BY THE WAY

Evening Star, Issue 21718, 12 May 1934, Page 2

BY THE WAY

IBj X.Y.] “ The time has come,” the Walrua said, " To talk of many things,” During one of our recent Princes street peregrinations we found a certain section of the footpath almost completely blocked by a stationary crowd of people. “Strange,” wo thought, “Bernard Shaw and the trots are both off; these dawdlers cannot bo listeners-in.” Out of curiosity wo joined the dawdlers and soon found that we were being entertained by a young .saleswoman of a. well-known department store, who was putting a flotilla of sixpenny speed boats through their paces in a big tub of water. The toy boats looked servicable enough to stand uj) to the batterings they would no doubt receive at juvenile hands, and so, with admirable presence ol mind, we suddenly remembered that the heir to the “X.Y.” millions would he celebrating a birthday in a lew days’ time. Thinking that the said heir to the alleged millions would, in the meantime, appreciate a. sixpenny speed boat, we squeezed in through the crowd and bought one. In fact, we bought two —one for emergency. When wo reached home we found that Airs X.Y.—the other great mind in the case—had also purchased two speed boats—one for emergency. And that evening a fond aunt of the heir dropped in with three speed boats—two for emergency. Which, if we are arithmethically to he relied upon, made seven boats all told. Well, the birthday is now over. The emergency units have been commissioned. The Grand Fleet is holding extended mahoenvres in the hath, and we are forbidden to pull the plug and let the sea away. One nimble craft seems perpetually to he buzzing round the hand-basin; we cannot shave in comfort till wo have hoisted it into dry dock. Moreover, Airs X.\. informs us that she cannot approach the wash-tub without first of all signing an armistice and paying an indemnity out of the “ Jolly ” hag. It is all very upsetting and inconvenient. What are wo going to do about it? Talk of disarmament conferences appears to he just a waste of time. The various units of the fleet show no signs of disintegration. Ah, we have it. It 7 we have much more rain there will he a permanent pool of water on the back lawn, and out will go the whole fleet and its personnel. Long may it rain. * * * * Despite the things that poets say About the merry mouth of Alay, And verdant leaves on every spray, Etcetera, ad nauseam, Your humble servant, living here In quite another hemisphere, Abhors this chilly time of year Without a single trace of sham. My daily paper on the path Is’ having an impromptu bath; I scan the pulpy mess, with wrath, For items of important news. The milkman with his clanking pail, The postman with the morning mail, Both squelching glumly through the gale In turn corroborate my views. “ Come out and greet the Alay!” Just that— But in this southern habitat I’m greeting, too (the past ts “grat ) ' According to the Scottish sense. “ Oh, That we Two were Maying!”'Yes. But if wc did it now, I guess We’d find ourselves in such a mess Before we reached that hawthorn . fence! Besides, the Alay—red, pink, or white— Is damned for ever in our sighr. It harbours slugs and apple-blight, And our paternal Powers that Bo Declare it outcast, cursed, and banned, And root it with a ruthless hand From every garden in the land. How could or would man spare that tree ? And when we’ve settled this, no doubt, And stopped it spreading blight about, There’ll he a Mayless Alay, without The leaf, the flower, or the bud. And that, of course, will suit N.Z., Where leaves, of course, in Alay arc dead, . ' When days are damp, and skies like lead, And May’s prosaic name is Mud, While Queens of Alay arc mostly found In scanty skirts, careering round A basketball or hockey ground, With Atnlanta’s lightning steps; And who’ll be Queen of all? Well, well! Of course, it’s early yet to tell What strong, imperious damosel Will lead Otago’s hockey reps.

Apropos the “no stocking” habit ia golf, a well-known English sculptor, Mr Charles dagger, has deplored the tendency of feminine youth to’ discard hose. Fortunately for the success of his attack, he does not base his opinions on Mother Grundy grounds, but, with a shrewd knowledge of where lies the vulnerable point in the defence. lias declared the fashion to be merely inappropriate and ugly. Be she ever so modest at heart, woman will not listen patiently or seriously to a lecture on how she should behave herself. But if, in the manner of Mr dagger, one throws out the hint that the discarding of certain articles of? apparel will have a deleterious effect on her personal appearance, one will probably find that she will sit up and take a iittle notice. Point out that the beauty of bare legs is marred by mottliugs and veins, and one may make an impression. Convince her that if she persists in ignoring the service rendered by stockings her logs will become as hirsute as those of men, and she will falter in her course. All that is needed to make her critics assured of victory is for the Amalgamated Society of Specialist _ Practitioners to state that exposure of the human form to the fresh air begets moles, warts, blotches, blisters, and carbuncles. In the fulness of time even ballroom attire may amount to something. * * v Our week's newspaper readings have left us with the impression that warfare is just round the cornel 1 . No, it lias nothing to do with Japan or Russia. It is to be waged by man against animal and insect life. One article deals with the efforts pf a Blenheim inventor who is perfecting what ho calls the “ Mover. Radio,” a transmitting instrument that can be arranged at night between dogs and the beds of their owners. The pro-

liminary idea is that when the animals bark they will wake nobody but their masters. Up to this point the invention bears all the symptons of sensible ingenuity. We have no objection to dog owners being roused. In some cases it is only right that they should be roused.

In our opinion, however, the Blenheim investigator touches on Heath Robinsonian ground when lie goes on to announce that if his machine fails to accomplish its purpose within 15sec a lethal gas will be released and the dog will die. Why a dog—particularly a good watch dog—should be exposed to the risk of mechanical defect we cannot understand.

If the taking of life is considered necessary, we much prefer the idea, of the English scientist who has invented an electric death ray which puts an end to the abnormal ability of flies and mice by shattering their nervous impulses. We have often wished that something belonging to flies and mice could he shattered. Hero, too, however, we sense impending danger. Experiments conducted on mice arc frequently extended to human beings. Wo hope that the power of the death ray will bo limited to a tuning in on stray cats, whose midnight serenades could, with every advantage, be switched off.

In an eleventh-hour endeavour to promote the brightness of this column and of life generally the sun reappeared yesterday after an eight-day unexplained absence. Not Dunedin, not New Zealand only has missed him of late. Towards the 'end of April an ingenious Sydney journalist notified that the surcharged rivers of New South Wales had dyed the Western Tasman a mud-coloured tint. Not for a. century had there been such a discharge. In March, 1934, boys swam in the Sydney “ carriage-ways,” and foundations of buildings spread or dissolved until roofs collapsed. This year’s April showers have “ done equal damage,” finding out the weak spots not only of roofs, hut of modern motorproof roads. To quote from our Sydney authority, “a drenched city, which has had torrential rain for about three weeks, is hailing two days of sunshine as a kind of religious rite. According to statistics, we are now about due for average seasons, hut it will he well to make good use of the occasion.” ♦ * * * Thus a country newspaper:—“Local gunmen were out early on. Tuesday morning last for the opening of the duck-shooting season.” No doubt many ducks were, “put on the spot” and “ taken for a ride.” •** ' • A newspaper paragraph informs us that, prior to her departure for Sydney, a lady singer of Dunedin was the recipient of a crocodile bag. Good hunting, Miss . We understand, however, that the best crocodiles are found in Northern Queensland. « ♦ ♦ • The ‘ News-Chronicle’s ’ Vienna correspondent says: “ Dr Dollfuss is tiring of the innumerable jokes about him. Accordingly the Government has decided to award prizes for any new jokes discovered. The first prize is six months’ imprisonment, the second prize three months, and the third prize one month, consequently Dollfuss jokes are no longer shouted aloud in Vienna. They are disseminated in whispers.” Now Hitler’s slim and masterful, -' Benito’s bold and massy, But Dollfuss’ mighty engines pull A Baby Austin chassis. It s most exasperating for A microscopic Chancellor When ribald folks Indulge iu jokes About his tiny chassis. No doubt he fuels a trifle sick Of being teeny-weeny; They talk of “ Mille-Metternich ” And “ Pocket Mussolini.” The papers wax extremely rude About his lack of altitude; He’s deeply galled At being called. A “ Pocket Mussolini.” They call his voice a'“fiver” since It couldn’t be a tenor; And round about tho streets of Linz, Of Innsbruck and Vienna, All sorts of little hats and boots, Cigars and collars, shirts and suits, They advertise As “ Dollfuss size ” In Innsbruck and Vienna. So every time the papers come It makes him frown and fidget At being called a minimum, A microbe, or a midget. At breakfast time he’s all a-funle, And capers round his dining room, Exclaiming “Damn! Who says 1 am A microbe or a midget? “ I’ll show these fools who gape and grin, These scribes who prick and dig me. That mighty wrath may move within The bosom of a pigmy. A joke’s a joke, and fun is fun, But soon there won’t be any one Who dare to qum The power that Is By calling Me a pigmy.” So, east and south and north and west Go forth his imprimaturs, With prizes for the brightest jest On undersized Dictators. The first is six, the second three, The third is one—not £ s. d., But months (I say!) For getting gay With undersized Dictators.

Our petrol-propelled juveniles ami adolescents excepted, ;ill our readers will remember the horse harnessed to the gig in which the deacon, also piesidcnt°of the Good Lodge, was driving to-morrow’s visiting parson to Rechabite Farm one Saturday afternoon. There were three tar ei ns between the railway station and the farm, and the horse insisted on making a prolonged stay at each of them. If all equities had pedigrees it might be found that the lame mare of Dunsdale was a lineal descendant of the deacon’s steed, and that both traced back to Robert Burns’s pony. T)unsdale’s Pride visited first the old still and then the new one, but was eloquently silent both then and at the trial at Invercargill, instituted by Mr Corderv. Collector qf Customs. It is a pity "there was no'interpreter as between man and beast, for on -Friday morning a surprised Dunedin public learned that Mr Justice Kennedy and a common jury had accepted evidence from “ still life,” as the painters would say. For Mr Eustace Russell, opening the defence the previous day, maintained that “ the evidence of crockery showed no connection between the M'Raes and the still, since it was of a make commonly found all over Southland.” Wc do not know how crockery was .sworn, or Mhcthoi it emerged from cross-examination in the fragments which Henrietta so deftly convovs to the ash-tin before the mistress notices, but wo think the admission of this evidence was a distinct slur on the much more reliable hardware present; for the report of pro-

ceedings states that milk-cans abounded at Dunsdale. It is in those whited sepulchres that Hokonui travels to market. Hokonui, contrary to popular belief, does not originate from barley. The malting process is unknown in Southland now. Sugar is the raw material, and the more manifold the distillations the higher the price. Still, ago will tell. The jury patriotically acquitted the defendants. For Canterbury is starting an opposition line. An enterprising Culvcrden apiarist was fined £lO on Thursday for converting his surplus honey into mead. Presently we shall hear of the local swain chartering a coracle and taking his best girl for a luxury cruise down th« Waiau, her finger and toe nails brilliantly dyed in the latest shade of woad.