THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 21636, 3 February 1934, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

The Epitaph.— -I wrote for Uncle Joseph. An epitaph which ends “He always tried to do his best,” And someone added, “Friends.” * * •SiMoney. —Husband: I can’t stand this money—money —money business much longer. The next time you mention money. I’ll leave you. Wife: How much, dear? # * * Generous Within Her Means.—-‘I don’t care for Peggy—she’s so smallminded.” , “But awfully generous—she’ll give anybody a piece of it.” ** ■ * Modernity.— “My word, Dick, you ve got the latest thing in typists.” “She is certainly that. She never gets here until ten.” * * * Accuracy.— “ Doesn’t your wife miss you when you stay out till throe in the morning?” “Occasionally—but usually her aim is perfect.” A Long Innings. —“ls the managing director in?” “Yes,” “May I speak to him?” “When he comes out.” “When will he come out?” “In four years.” ►x* ■ ■ # Changing Faces. “Girls were harder to kiss in your day, weren’t they, grandpa?” “Mebbe, mebbe,” ventured the old man, “but it wasn’t so dangerous. The old ; parlour sofa wouldn’t smash into a tramway pole.” *, * * Crushing.— The minister imploring an old man to repent his sins. “Well,” said the old sinner, “it yon will answer me one question, I will come to church.” “What Is the question?” “Who was, Cain’s wife?” “My friend,” replied the minister, “you will , never be able to . embrace religion until you stop bothering yourself about other men’s wives.” * - •» * Sensible to Other's Ne,eds. —They were discussing a mutual acquain- : “Tom’s not a bad fellow,” said Henry. “He always claims that when charity is needed he is the first to put his hand in his pocket.” , Bill nodded, his head. “Yes, he said ungenerously, “and keeps it there until the danger is over.” * * * Unskilled Work.—Two business rivals were having a wordy conflict. “You want me to tell you just what I think of you, Smith?” sneered Brown. - "Yes, go on!” replied Smith, with an air of defiance. “Very well,” said the other, , 111 be brief. You say you are ■ a self-made man ” : ' , ... ; “I don’t deny it,” put in Smith, with a self-satisfied grin. . . “Which just goes to show the horrors of unskilled labour,” returned Brown.

Suggestive. —Young Bidge: Don t you think that we might give mother a little Christmas present? Her Bridegroom; We might. How would she like a jar of vanishing cream? „ * * * ...

The Cripple.—The Tramp (piteosly): Please help a poor cripple, 31 Kind Old Gentleman: Bless me, why, of course. How are you crippled, my poor fellow? Tramp (pocketing the money). Financially crippled, sir.^ The Object Of Regard— Burly Bill: Got a penny on yer, guv’nor? Little Sniffey: Certainly, but what do you two men want with a penny. Beefy Bert: We want to toss up, guv’nor, to decide which of us is to have yer watch, and which yer money ■ • # Cheap Work.—A cheapjack at a Christmas fair was trying t 0 audience into , a good humour before offering his goods for sale. ( . "Now, ladies and gents, he said, holding up a shilling, “here’s a real chance for everyone. A silver shilling —how much will you give me for it? As he expected, bids came quickly. Finally, a small boy said, “ElevenP6 “Very well, my lad,” said the cheapjack, “the shilling’s yours. Hand up your elevenpence.” The boy shook his head. "Take it out of the shilling and give me the change,” he said.^ The Test. —-Brown stamped angrily into the second-hand umbrella dealer s “That beastly gamp I bought from you isn’t much good,” he expostulated. “How is that, sir?” asked the dealer. “I left it in a restaurant yesterday, explained Brown, "and it was still there to-day.” -» * * Changed His Mind.— The boy who had scratched his name on the paint of the stationary car had been soundly cuffed by the owner. Attracted by the loud howling which resulted, a crowd soon gathered, through which the father of the boy pushed his way. “Who struck my son? he demanded furiously. "Show me the man! ” Tjr The motorist stepped forward. He was 6ft, 2in in height and 49in round the chest. “I did,” he said. “Serve him right, sir.” said the man. touching his cap. "I’ll give him another hiding when I get him home.

The Fall. —Visitor: Poor fellow!: I suppose you were tempted and fell? Convict: Yus, -, lidy—tempted by a ’and-bag, an’ fell over a perishin’ dog. * * * Proud.—“ Did any of your family ever make a brilliant marriage?” “Only my wife.”Carried Too Far.—Parent: My son has so many original ideas. Teacher: Yes, especially in arithmetic. > *** - . ■ Quite General.—Boy: Do you know, dad, that in some parts of Africa a man does’nt know his wife until he marries her? , Dad: Why single out Africa? Asking For It.—A highly-efiicierit young man on duty at the stand of _a certain very popular car at Olympia told a visitor: “I’m selling this model by the dozen.’ ■ “And how much a dozen?” asked the other. & w A Good Arrangement. —Landlord (feeling the influence of Christmas,, to tenant in arrears of rent): I’ll meet you half-way. I’ll forget half of what you owe me. Tenant: Righto! And I’ll forget the other half! •i * «■ Cheap And Easy —A passer-by stopped to watch an old man in his garden weeding. “Which weeds do t you consider the easiest to kill?” he dsksdi “Widow’s weeds,” answered the old man. “You only have to say ‘wilt thou,’ and they wilt.” •» * * ‘ Sympathetic.— They were playing an. • exciting melodrama in the local theatre. . The villain. had pursued his dreadful career through three acts, - and in the fourth he brought things to a climax by robbing a girl of her savings. . At this point, an excited woman in the gal’ery lost control of her feelings and shouted: ■ ■■ ’ ' ■ “That feller ’ud pinch a worm off a blind hen!” , Swindled.—r The ‘ old hawker was looking despondent. • “What’s the matter, Tom? asked: - his wife. - ■ . , “Ay, but there are a lot of swindlers in the world, Martha,” he told b€r. ; 1 “Oh, and what’s happened now?” she inquired. . ’Ere ’ave I gorn and spent a alt a day paintin’ a sparrer to look like a canary, and a bloke comes along and gives me a dud ’alf ft crown for it!” *** „ . , The Remedy.—The traveller had held the floor for two hours, boasting about his exploits. • “There,” he said, “was I, nearing the edge of a cliff, moving at a terrific rate. The brakes refused to act.. Nothing before me but a horrible death. What could ! do? What would you have done?” ..... “Tried to-wake up, said the little . man in the corner.

He Knew. —Friend: Do you think the great oustanding poem of the century has yet been written? Poet: It has not only been written, but it has been rejected! Diplomatic. —She was fishing for compliments, but her young man was cut and something of a student of human nature. ■ , , “How old do you think I am? she asked him, anxiously. ■ “You don’t look it,” he answered diplomatically. - A Warning. —Smith: What are you cutting out of the paper? v Jones: A report of the case in which a man got a 'divorce because his wife went through his pockets. Smi{.h; What are you going to. .do with it? . Jones; Put it in my pocket. * * . -stCutting.— The teacher was giving a lesson on the Creation. John interrupted with the remark: “My father says we are descended from apes. Teacher: Your private family-af-fairs have no interest for the class. ## * . Looking Ahead —“How’s that patient of yours who’s always worrying about his food?” asked the doctor’s wife. “I’ve ordered him to eat only the plainest of foods and very little of it,’ replied the medical man. “Do you think that will help him to get well again?” she asked. The doctor smiled artfully. ‘Pro bably,” he replied, “but it will also help him to save money so that he can pav my bill.” «■ * * Misapprehension.— There is a girl who stutters dreadfully. One night when her sweetheart was leaving she, accompanied him to the door and said, “George, are you coming again next S-s-s-s-s ” The dog was on the doorstep. After George was half-a-mlle down the road, with the dog gaining on him at every leap, it occurred to him that possibly the girl had intended to say “Sunday’ instead of “Seize him.” But it didn’t occur to the dog for a mile or so beyond that. * * * Machiavellian. —-Harold: That fellow Jones • who lives next door to me has more confounded check than any man [ ever met.” Percy: “How’s that?” Harold: “Why, yesterday he came over to my place to borrow a gun. Said he wanted to shoot a cat,” Percy: “Well, where does the cheek come in?” Harold: “Why, it was my cat he wanted to shoot!*'