THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 21518, 16 September 1933, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Intelligent Child. —Proud Auntie: So this Is the new baby! I used to look like her at that age. Now, what’s she crying about. Little Nephew: Oh, Aunt Clarabel, she heard what you said! A Split. —‘‘How iifthe earth divided,” asked a pompous examiner, who had already worn out the patience of the "By earthquakes," replied one boy promptly, and the examiner passed on quickly to another subject. # * # Much More Careful.—The young man standing on the pavement was nervous. He made several attempts to cross the busy thoroughfare, but always stepped back. At last he went to a policeman. “Would you mind seeing me across the road?" he said. “Aren’t you big enough and old enough to see yourself across?” growled the policeman. “I am," replied the young man, “but I've just won five pounds a week for life In a competition, and I’ve got to be extra careful of myself now!" Not Half.— A councillor lost his temper during a meeting, and remarked that half his colleagues were fools. An apology was demanded. He promised to make reparation, and caused bills with the following words to bo posted around the town: “I said that half the town councillors are fools, I now declare that half the town councillors are not fools.” • » * Loving Kindness. —Bert; Did she let you kiss her? ? Trevor: Good heavens, no! She isn’t that kind. Bert: She was to me. #‘ # * Desperate—She (toward end of holiday): Let’s find a little cove right away from everybody. He: Splendid idea! I’ll sit on him while you take his wallet. * » * Paper Too.—" Was that sandwich quite fresh that you sold me just now?” v .. “Quite, sir. Each one is wrapped in transparent airtight paper.’’ “I wish I’d known.”

The Resemblance.—“ Whenever I see. you, I think of your brother.” “Why? We are not alike.” “No, but he owes me five pounds as well.”

Patriotism.— Shopkeeper: It was the embargo that made paint-brushes so dear, madams. Most of the best bristles come from Russia. Patriotic young housewife: But surely our unemployed could grow bristles as good as any the Bolshevists grow? , * * * All Askew.— Little Billy, aged four, was being shown the shape of the earth on a globe atlas, by his mother. After pointing out all the countries with their peculiar shapes, she asked: “Now, Billy, what shape is the world? Billy, looking very wise and happy, beamed on her with: “It’s in a terrible shape, Daddy says!” I.# # • , No Risks.—The doctor -smilingly entered the room' ; where bis female patient was reclining in' a chair. ' "Ah,” he murmured, “I see you ;are looking very much better to-day.” “Yes, doctor," the patient said. I have very ‘ carefully followed the instructions on 1 that bottle of medicine you gave me.” : “Let me see, now,” said the doctor, thoughtfully. "What were they?” “Keep the bottle well corked,” came the reply. *’ ■ • * Deserved, It. —Henderson: You gave that cloakroom attendant a big tip. old boy, , Johnson; Well, he gave me a good coat. *** , . , Indisputable.—A woman inquired or a negro porter the time of the train to Chicago, She then went to a white man and asked him. The porter went to the white man afterward and said, with a smile: “Perhaps she will believe it, now she has got it in black and white.” Sympathy.—Graduate: Professor, I have made some money, and I want to do something for my old college. I don’t remember what studies I excelled in, it any. Professor: In my classes you slept most of the time. Graduate: Fine! I’ll endow a dormitory. *** * „ That’s Different.—A negro was telling his minister that he had “got religion.” “Dat’s fine, brothah; but is you sure you is going to lay aside sin?” asked the minister. “Yessuh. Ah’s done it already.” “An’ is you gwine to pay up all yoh debts?” “Wait a minute, Pahson! Yon ain t talking religion now —you is talkin’ bizzness!”

Heavy Ones. —Jones came back from his holiday proud of his bulging muscles. “Look at these arms,” he said. They were certainly in good condition. His colleagues put it down to rowing, but Jones withered them with scorn. “Rowing be blowed!" he snorted. “I got them pulling up fish." * » * The Missing Daughter—First Kangaroo; And what has become of your daughter, Evangeline? Second ditto: Good gracious! Somebody has picked my pocket! * * * Out of Sight.—Policeman: WliyTe you stopping, man? You can’t park here. Driver: I’ve got a flat tyre. I ran over a bottle about a mile bacjk. Policeman: Couldn’t you see It and drive round it? Driver: No, the fool had it in his hip pocket! Was He Accepted?—lt being the day of the big cup-tie, six jurymen had cried oil an various • pretexts. When the Judge came to the seventh he was getting sarcastic. “Does your sick wife need your attention?” “No, sir, I ain’t married.” “What about your business?” “Haven’t got any.” “No fence to fix up.” “Haven’t got a fence on the place.” “You think you can really spare time to serve on the jury this afternoon?” “I do, sir.” The Judge sat a while and meditated. “You seem to be the only man who’s got time to serve his country as a juryman,” he said. "Would yon mind telling me how it happens?" “Certainly!” replied the juror. ‘‘You’re going to try Jim Billings, ain’t you? Well, he shot a dog of mine quite recently, and now I’m going to get my own back.” * * * Non-Slip. Exacting Mistress: There’s one thing In your favour, the mats in the hall keep their positions. How do you manage it, Mary? Maid (under notice): Oh, just chewing gum. 4f # Hep Complaint.—“l’m going straight down to the post office to make a complaint," said Freda pertly. “Oh, darling,” said her young man, “I’ll do it for you. What Is it you want?” She gazed fixedly at him, “I Want to find out why they haven’t delivered that box of chocolates you promised you were going to send me,” she replied.

Lost Property. —The old lady from the country entered a telephone box. She gave her number, and was told to put two pennies in the slot. She got her call, then left the box. Ten minutes later she returned, and again took off the receiver. “No, I don’t want a number,” she explained, in an agitated voice, “but I left my new umbrella behind Just now; it isn’t here. I suppose you haven’t seen it, have you, please?” * * * And He Obeyed.— Murphy, a new cavalry recruit, was given one of the worst horses in the troop. “Remember,” said the instructor, “no one is allowed to dismount without- orders.” v The horse bucked, and Murphy went over its bead. * * * “Murphy!” yelled the instructor, "did you have orders to dismount?” “Oi did." ■> “From headquarters?” - “No —from hindquarters.” « » ■* • Exclusive.—Mrs Blahb; She keeps ’erself to'erself, don’t she? : Mrs Gabb: I should-say she do. Why, she’s bin living 'ere a fortnight, and we don’t even know, ’ow much ’er old man earns, or what ’e gives ’er to keep ’ouse on, yet. **» , , ‘ Quite Accustomed. —Vicar, 1 hear that your son is leaving us to seek his fortune, Mrs Higgles. I expect he will find it strange at first, for there they have night when we have day, and day when we have night. Mrs Higgles; Oh, he’s used to sleeping in the daytime, vicar, he had a nightwatchman’s job for years. # # Not a Slack Job.—“ How did you learn to walk the tight-rope? Just; pick it up yourself?” “Oh, no It has to be taut ’ * * * Sympathy.—Accident victim; I take the trouble to keep to the side of the road. What do I get for my pains? Lady motorist: I haven’t the least idea. I’m not a doctor. * * * Holiday Time. —Husband (to wife who Insists on planning an ambitious holiday afloat): It’s not a bit of use your studying all those steamship companies’ booklets. As I keep telling you, beggars can’t be cruisers! ■55 1 •Jt’ Modern Mecca.—Married granddaughter: Tom and I have arranged our holiday. We’re going to hike. Grandma: It’s wonderful how popular that place has become. Everybody seems to be going there nowadays. * * * Not For Him.—She: I shouldn’t dream of marrying such an intellectual monstrosity and physical misfit as you —you nitwit! Do you get me? He: From the general trend of your remarks, I should Judge not,