BY THE WHY

Evening Star, Issue 21518, 16 September 1933, Page 2

BY THE WHY

[B, X.Y.]

“ The lime has come,” the Walrus said, “ To talk of many tilings.”

Mr 11. J. Culver, who is endeavouring to locate the winning hut missing motor car raffle ticket, will not allow himself to bo bothered with jigsaw puzzles. He states that mutilated tickets handed in by claimants for the prize will not bo recognised. This announcement must have come as a sore blow to the people who were trying to put two and two together and work in a three or so to match. As some compensation for their voluntary zeal we feel that an award should bo made for the nearest and best attempt to reproduce the original. After all ; a competition such as this brings into piny much more skill than the mere buying of a ticket from some unknown in the street. Personally wo can state that we are right out of it; our pocket book will disgorge no ticket that gives ns a shadow of a claim over a motor car. We shall have to be content with such articles as a gas cooker, a shaving mirror. or a free ticket for the tepid baths. • ♦ * •

Dr Dollfuss Soliloquises. Which shall it be, which shall it be? It must be on© or t’other. For Adolf shakes his fist at me, He’s looking out for bother; And Austria is nothing like The good old pre-war Oesterreich; She’s noticeably littler; So, though I’d like to call his bluff, I’m not exactly strong enough To shako my fist at Hitler. Benito isn’t finite as rude. Ho talks, instead of yelling. And yet, 1 feel his attitude Is —so to speak—compelling. I wish I knew the projects that Are brewing underneath his hat; But, none the less, the blighter Behaves in quite a friendly way, And no one, I am bound to say, Could ever be politer. My folk at home are all (too true!) Distracted and divided. I don’t know what the deuce to do, It leaves me undecided. I feel that something’s bound to go Or somebody—the status quo, Or Dollfuss—Donnerwetter, I think I’ll try it out, for fun, I’ll do as well as anyone (Perhaps a trifle better!). Yet Hitler’s coarse, and rude, and rough, A brutal, blatant bandit; And if I tried that sort of stuff Vienna wouldn’t stand it. Just think of Einstein, hunted out, And called a “something ” —well, no doubt The German word for “Sheeny.” “Adpllfuss” wouldn’t suit at all. I think I’ll let the people call My name “ Dollfussolini.”

Just when golfers are becoming used to steel-shafted clubs a revolutionary elub_ maker in tho Old Country is inconsiderate enough to place on the market a line which is, said to be infinitely better. Tho new laminated shafts, composed of pieces of cane glued together, are described as being practically unbreakable, and Abe Mitchell, who has reverted to them from steel declares that they enable him to hit further and straighter. When first we read this item of news we thought that hero indeed was the very club wo had been seeking for a long, long time, “ Further and straighter.” Fine! “Straighter and further.” Splendid! Then we recognised the truth that if we _ hoped to bo able to hit perfectly straight every time we trod the fairway we should require something even more effective than a laminated club. It would have to be an implement possessing all the capabilities and influence of a magic wand. Eventually, however, wc arrived at the conclusion that we should not wish things to be any different from what they are. For we are convinced that the Ancient Egyptians got a greater thrill out of building the Pyramid of Cheops than the fairies ever did out of waving magic wands.

Ever since the dominion tumbled into the slough of depression there have been heard on all sides heartfelt cries for a good leader. Now, wo muse be careful in our search for a good leader. It would be much more satisfactory if the country set to work and unearthed a wise leader. Mr Coates is a good leader, but, however much we can admire Ins courage and qualities of leadership, wo should have some difficulty in coming to a unanimous opinion in regard to his wisdom. The disturbance at the Lyttelton byelection meeting was far from edifying. Mr Coates should have left well alono the subject of Parliament’s longevity, and, oven if the matter had been eventually thrust upon him, wo cannot see that any good purpose would have been served by arguing so long with a casual interjector. “ 1 said from the public platform that, if we were returned to Parliament, wo would increase the life of Parliament for another year,” are the words which Mr Coates declares ho used before the General Election. No doubt the Acting Prime Minister is sincere in his belief that this announcement constituted a mandate, but many of us will be more inclined to view it in the light of a gallant piece of dictatorship. By force of character Mr Coates seems to have earned the applause and respect of a Lyttelton audience which, facing a lesser presence, might have shown' active sympathy with the critic who was escorted from the meeting. On the whole, however, wo think that the attitude of Mr Coates on and off public platforms does not stamp him as a man of wisdom. Probably ho is the best loader and the worst statesman in the. New Zealand Cabinet.

It must be apparent by now that the Otago Rugby team is always at its best against strong opposition. In fact, tho more formidable the other side is, tiio better docs Otago play. To take a peep into tho future and arrive at a comparatively accurate forecast should bo quite a simple matter. Hero wo

have au extract from the files of July, 1936: As Otago has enhanced its reputation as a giant-killing football province, it will not be at all surprising if the whole of its Ranfurly Shield fifteen will bo selected en bloc for the All Black side which is to leave for Great Britain next month. Last year practically the same side was well beaten by North Otago, Marlborough, and the Urewera Country, but the manner in which it dealt with Wellington, Auckland, and Canterbury, and went on to furnish nearly all the players in the victorious South Island team, was an eye-opener to students of form. Great things will bo expected of the All Blacks if they include the Otago fifteen, and, in case the selectors are sane enough to carry out our suggestion, we would urge that steps be taken immediately to have a game against _ the combined countries of Great Britain placed on the itinerary. Even if the run of the playing part of tho tour went against us, wo should still have the satisfaction of knowing that the dominion was well represented by social successes. * ♦ * t •

OX THE SUGGESTION* TO STRAIGHTEN’ THU THAMES. The good old Thames, from end to end, Has many rt turn and twist and bend, A devious way of flowing which In any well-conducted ditch Might well by engineers bo found Most reprehensibly unsound, And so It doesn’t cause the least surprise When gentlemen of enterprise Propound a scheme to standardise Its flow. Its serpentine behaviour drew The painter and the poet, too, To stroll beside the stream and bless The beauty of its crookedness; But wo have learnt in latter times To scorn these men of daubs and rhymes, And swear That even the Creator makes Most unaccountable mistakes In forming rivers, hills, and lakes. So there! For every river should bo made To serve the sacred ends of Trade; And lakes should bo of handy types For turning into lines of pipes; And mountain ranges mostly arc Confoundedly irregular. You don’t Enjoy the sweets of driving when A sharper grade than one in ten Reveals some beastly Fell or Ben In front. The time has come to educate Our rivers into running straight, And make our lakes obey the rules Of well-conducted swimming pools, Or reservoirs to fill our homes With watts and volts and amps and ohms, I think; Or send to baths and tubs and taps The wherewithal for arty chaps To wash their faces—or, perhaps, To drink. And as for hills, you know, they’re quite Erratic in their slope and height. I’m fully of opinion that They shouldn’t be too steep or flat, But nicely graded up and down To exorcise the folk from town, And sports Who drive a car or ride a bike, Or (being energetic) like A comfortable Sunday hike In “ snorts.”

You seo, these little stratagems For straightening the errant Thames Suggest a wild and wondrous dream Of hill and valley, lake and stream Reorganised and redesigned To meet the needs of humankind. Oh, yeah! No doubt ’twill have a fine effect, And I for one shall not object, Because I shan’t—as I expect— Be here. « ♦ * » In these days of record-breaking gold is not going to be outdone. Its price is soaring so high that we feel tempted today down pen and rush off to find a lost lead or ft hidden reef. From reports that are coming in we gather that tho finding of an old river bed is a matter of extreme ease. Anyone with land to sell or lease will tell you how to go about it. You pick out two ridges of hilly country running parallel and locate a few wash stones in between them. Practically all that remains to be done then is sink a shaft and float a company,' leaving somebody else to attend to such details as getting tho gold, if any, out of the ground. Yes. there are all sorts of possibilities in gold mining, ami, if wo are half as wide awake as the mayor wishes us to be, wo shall lose no time in turning part of Central Otago into something that will rival tho Rand. Maybe there will bo a chance for us all to get rich if we go to tho New Zealand Rand, but wo tender the confidential advice that it would be safer for those who desire wealth on the goldfields to raffle their watches, or open an hotel, or found a new Starr-Bowkott Society.