THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 21316, 21 January 1933, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Two More.—Hospital Matron: How’s this? The telephone message said you were bringing one accident case, and you have brought three. Ambulance Driver: That’s all right. 1 knocked the other two down on the way. * * * Just Wondering. —Two barristers were engaged in a heated argument. Finally, one exclaimed: “Is there any case so low, so utterly shameful and crooked that you’d refuse it?’’ “I don’t know,” said the other, pleasantly. “What have you been doing now ?” * * * Rehearsing It.—Author: Have you seen the new play I wrote about the couple who were always quarrelling? Neighbour; No, but I heard you and your wife rehearsing it. •Jfr 35* Hopeful.—Bailey was busy in his, garden. Presently his neighbour’s small boy loomed up in front of him. “Hallo!” said Bailey, wiping his perspiring brow. “Your father wants to borrow something, as usual, I suppose?” The boy nodded. “That’s right, Mr Bailey,” he replied. “Father said could you ’blige him with a corkscrew?” Bailey brightened. “Corkscrew? Certainly. You run along, sonny—l’ll bring it round myself." * * * Must Be a Reason. —Actor (rather a bore): Ah, my boy, when I played Hamlet the audience took 20 minutes to leave the theatre. Fellow-Clubman (rather bored): Was he lame or something? * ■x- iiAbsence Makes : Rastus, on his first ocean trip, was feeling decidedly unwell. “Say, Rastus,” said a friend, “it’s easy to see you’re a landlubber all right.” “You’re right, boy,” murmured Rastus. “And I’se just finding out how much I really lubs it!” vf # Tit for Tat. —“So you broke your engagement with Evelyn? Why was that?” “Well, I was only doing to the engagement what it did to me.” * # * A Scoop.—Casey and Murphy stood looking into a jeweller’s window. “Casey,” asked Murphy, “how’d you like to have your pick here?” “Sure,” responded Casey, “I’d rather have my shovel.”

An Awful Brick. —Tom: Yes, I think Molly’s an awful brick, Maud: Why, has she begun to throw herself at you now? Solemn Reflection.—lf there’s one thing that gets people down these mornings it’s getting up. # » -* Gardening Note. —The best way to keep apples from coming off the tree is to send the children to grandma. * * * Hardly Complimentary.—“l wonder,” said Hayes to his hostess, “if you would mind giving me the recipe for that plum cake you served for tea this afternoon.” His hostess looked surprised. “Why, certainly, Mr Hayes,” she said. “I'll be delighted to give it to you. But —but your wife makes most wonderful plum cakes.” z “I know —I know,” said Hayes, shaking his head, “but in these times of depression I want her to be more economical!” -s * * Beyond Him —Dramatist: So you’ve read my new revue? Well, what do you think of it? Manager: My dear sir, there are two scenes in it that Shakespeare himself couldn’t have written. Dramatist: Really! Which scenes are those? Manager: The one in the wireless shop and the one in the film studio. » * * Hard to Please—Shopwalker: That lady who has just gone out says you showed her no politeness or courtesy whatever. Assistant: Then they’re about the only darned things in the shop I didn’t show her!

Happy Release— Mandy, in applying for a position, was asked if she had any references. “Ah sho’ has, ma’am. This am it.” The letter read: “The bearer of this letter is leaving me after one month’s work. I am perfectly satisfied.” # * -iiAwkward. —Young Lady Helper (at jumble sale): I have sold everything out of that room. Vicar’s Wife: Oh. dear, dear; that was the cloak room. •fc * * His Very Words—Joyce? What d 0 you think Father said when I told him I was going to accept you? Bertie; Give it up, old girl. Joyce: Well! How did you guess? •K* Already Arranged.—Bertie (beaming): Oh, I have the most glorious news! Peggy has promised to be my wife! Gertie; So that’s what you call news! A month ago she asked me to be her bridesmaid. •x- * * Didn’t Bother.—“l understand the girl you are engaged to is a twin,” remarked a friend to the newly-en-gaged one. “How do you tell the difference between her and her sister?”

“Well, it’s a jolly nice family.” said the lucky man, “and I don’t bother very much,” ..■

Mistletoe Magic.—He (under the mistletoe): Have you ever kissed a man before? She (ditto): Y-yes. He: Teil me his name so that 1 can thrash him. She: But — might be too many for you. •* * * The Christmas Stocking.—“ Anything to declare?” asked the French Customs House officia.l. “Nothing,” was the reply, “Then what is the meaning of these cigars stuffed into your stockings?” “Good heavens! And I always said I didn’t believe in Santa Claus!” * * * Big Business.—The budding young artist was giving his usual Christmas show, and he had thrown his art gallery open to the public' in the hope that they would purchase some of his works. One day he was standing in the gallery with a friend when a man and woman arrived and stood talking earnestly before one of his masterpieces. “I say, Roland,” he whispered to his friend, “will you,saunter by those two people, and listen to what they are saying? This looks like business.” The other agreed to do this. Two minutes later he returned. “Well?” asked the young , artist anxiously. “She is ticking him off for staying out late last night,” Roland. informed him. ... * * * Lucky Doctor—Doctor: H’m Number Seven's temperatuve has jumped up to-day. You might let me have a sample of everything he has taken during the day. Pretty Nurse: Well, doctor, he—he took a kiss just before you came in! * * * A Pat Answer.—A clerk had stolen a sum of money, and his employer asked advice from friends as to how he should be dealt with. “Get rid of him at once,” advised an Englishman. “Keep him and deduct the sum from his wages,” said the Scotsman. “But,” said the employer, “the sum he has embezzled is far bigger than his wages.” “Then raise his wages,” suggested an Irishman. * * * Peace and Quiet. —“Henry,” said his nagging wife as she prepared to retire, “is everything shut up for the night?”

“That depends on you,” muttered Henry. “Everything else is.”

Out or Home?—The Swanker: Why, talking about swimming the Channel, I once gave the job up when only 200 yards from Dover!” The Cynic; Which side did you start from? * * * Silent Service.—The very particular woman was having her bedroom redecorated. Wishing ,to see what progress the painter was making in his work, she crept to the bottom of the stairs and listened. Not a sound reached her ears from inside the room. “Painter,” she called out, becoming suspicious, “are you working?” “Yes, ma'am,” came the reply. “I can’t hear you making, a sound,” she returned bitingly. “Perhaps not, ma’am,” he shouted back. “I ain’t puttin’ the stuff on with an ’ammer,” -:(■** Vain. —Dan was rudely disturbed from his slumber; his wife’s elbow plugged his ribs awfully. “Get up, Dan,” she pleaded hysterically, “there’s a burglar in t’ ’ouse.” Hastily he descended the stairs and found a man rummaging in the cupt board. Dan called out, “Well, owd man, wot’s tha seekin’?” “I’m searching for money,” retorted Sikes, coolly. “Oh, awright,” said Dan. “Aw’ll goa back ta bed. Tha might gi’ me a shout if tha finds any.”

Fond of Consolation —Mother: Did I see you kissing that young Allen last night? Beryl: Well, Mother, he told me he had just lost an uncle and I felt so sorry for him. Mother: If I know anything about that young man he won t have a relative left in a week’s time! Not For Keeps.—Friend (to young wife contemplating divorce): Remember, dear, you took your husband for better or for worse. Young Wife: But I didn’t take him for good, did I? * * * Or "Kay”—Mother (teaching alphabet) : Now, dear, what comes after “O”? Child: Yeah! Wrong Records. —“Did you hear the joke about the film star?” “No, what is it?” “Her secretary didn’t keep the records straight, and now she finds she has had two more divorces than she’s had weddings.” » » * Nothing Doing.—lt was Christmas week, and the dustman was on his usual round wishing his patrons the compliments of the season, hoping, of course, to extract a Christmas box. He came to one house, and on the door being opened he wished the lady the usual compliments, at the same time adding, “I’m the man who -mpties the dustbin.” But; the good wife was not to be “had.” “Thank you; r.;;r--- "o reply, “and I’m the U'dy