THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 21138, 25 June 1932, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Horse Of Habit. —Smith: 1 suppose Brown’s wife was a kennel maid and dog trainer before he married her. Jones: Ah! That’s why she’s made him “sit up” ever since. Trusting.—Wife (at the races): You don’t mean to say your bookie iias gone, George? Husband (new to punting); Yes, but it’s quite all right, dear, because he’s asked me to look after his stand while he goes and gets some more money. Promotion. —Mean employer: Jones, yon have now been in our employment for 10 years To mark onr appreciation of your length of service and unswerving loyalty yon will henceforth be addressed as Mr Jones.

Disappointed. —Friend (sympathetically): 'Never mind, don’t worry. You’ll have your husband with you again in a month. Wife (.sobbing): Yes. 1 know—and 1 thought he would get at least six months! Rude People.—A fussy woman got in a bus and noticed a man smoking, so she said; “Do you know that smoking inside the car is not allowed ?” “I’m not smoking,” was the reply “But you have your pipe in your mouth." said the woman “I’vo got my hoots on my feet, but I’m not walking, madam." answered lhe man. "Conductor, do \ on allow rude people in -voni car?” -lie asked, annoyed Conductor: “If you sit down they won't see you.”

Temperate.—A clergyman declares that playing golf helps him to think. If he wasn’t a clergyman he would probably put his thoughts into words, * Appropriate.—“ How do you feel this morning, Jimmy?” “Oh, just like everything in the garden.” “Lovely, eh?” “No. Seedy.” * * * Experienced.—They met under the mistletoe. “Do yon know,” she said, “you are the very first man to kiss me?” “Well, you must have taken lessons in a correspondence course, then.” said the sophisticated swaiu.

The Right Man.—The mistress ol' the house was feeling ill, and the maid dashed out tor the doctor. ‘■What’s the matter with your mistress?" he inquired. “I don’t know, sir,’’ the maid answered, “but she’s in pain and says she wants to die.” “Oh. does she?" said the medicus. “Then you did quite right to come to me.” * Bedtime. —She was a careful mother, and when the young man called to see her daughter she sat with the happy (?) pair during the whole evening, close up to 12 o’clock. Then she rose at last to hid her visitor good-night “It’s my bedtime,’ she explained “Th-itV v. ha 1 l'v, (!<•» u waiting to hear tW i-r.-i l*» o ho irs ” he re spoudeal politely. “Good-night,'’

Easy.—Herbert: I wish I could find out just how many relatives I have here on this earth. Robert: Why, that’s the easiest thing in the world —just buy a summer cottage. » » Candid. —Blobbs: Have you heard the tale about the case of sugar? Hobbs: No; and if it isn’t refined I don’t want to. * -xCandour. —An artist noted for his great conceit was showing a friend over his studio. “See that picture,” he said, pointing out one of his masterpieces. “What do you think of it?” The friend gazed critically at it, but did not say a word. “A thousand wouldn’t buy it,” went on the artist. “I quite believe it,” said the friend. “In fact. I’m one of them.” A Long Wait. —The foreman gardener was inspecting the work of his newly-engaged assistant.

“Did you water the century plants?” he asked. “Yes,” said the assistant, “X did that.” “Very good,” said the foreman. “In future it will be your job to look after them. And don’t forget this, if those plants don’t bloom in 1967 it will .be your fault.” * * * Family Tradition.—A little fellow who had just felt the hard side of the slipper turned to his mother for consolation. “Mother.” he asked, “did grandpa thrash father when he was a little boy ?” “Yes.” answered his mother impressively. “And did his father thrash him when he was little?” “Yes.” “And did his father thrash him?" “Yes.” A pause. “Well, who started this thing, anyway?” * * * Useless.—Sparks, the new policeman. was regulating traffic in the village high street. Seeing a car coming down the hill at a great rate, he raised his hand and signalled it to stop. The car wont careering past him. “Hi! Stop!” shouted Sparks: and when this order was also disobeyed he took out his whistle and blew it furiously. Eventually the car came to a standstill at the foot of the hill. “Hi, miss,” said Sparks, coming up, “didn’t you see my signal for you to stop?” “Why. no, constable,” she returned sweetly. “But didn’t you hear my whistle?" be persisted. “No. constable.” she replied. Sparks scratched hi-' b” v ploxity. “Well, i <!■••:’■;> " ' ' “I might as >•, r-y. to be doing any fcood round hero.”