THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 21079, 16 April 1932, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

“Noisery.”—Wife: That new maid of ours must be from New York. She speaks of the nursery as the “noisery.” Huh: Well, I rather think that’s the way it should be pronounced. * * * Not Necessarily Hereditary.—“ The new member claims to be related to you and says he can prove it.” “The man’s a fool.” “Yes, but that may be a mere coincidence.” The Endearing Process. —'Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” murmured the sentimental youth. “Oh, I don’t know.” remarked the matter-of-fact girl. “Did you ever try presents!” »' * * Wanted a Winner. —Customer; 1 say, waiter, what has happened to this lobster It is a claw short. Walter; Sorry, sir, but they’re so fresh and full of life that they will fight among themselves in the kitchen. Customer: Well, take this one away and bring me one of the winners. No Damage Done. —Little Mary was left to fix lunch, and when mother returned with a friend she noticed Mary had the tea strained. “Did you find the lost strainer?” mother asked. . “No, mother, 1 couldn’t,” replied Mary, “so I used the fly swatter.” Mother was nearly swooning, so Mary completed it with; “Oh, don’t get excited, mother, I used- the old one.” ss* # Those Servants. —Winthrop was in the habit of putting on airs when he met any of his friends. One evening he arrived very late for a dance to which he had been invited. “I’m terribly sorry,” he said to his hostess. “I was unavoidably detained. As a matter of fact, I was dismissing my second footman.” “Really?” broke in an acquaintance who was standing near them. “Now, isn’t that curious? I’ve just been dismissing my fifth parlourmaid.” A look of incredulity spread over Winthrop’s.face. “Your fifth parlourmaid?” he repeated. “Yes,” said the other, “my fifth this year.”

The Carnivora. —“Mummy, whv do men shoot lions and tigers?’’ “Because they eat sheep and kill the lambs. They should not do that.” “Mummy, why don’t men shoot butchers?" *■ * * Easily Overcome. —“I don’t like these shoes,” said a woman customer. “The soles are too thick.” “Is.that the only objection?” asked the shopkeeper. “Yes.” • “Then, madame, if you take the shoes, I can assure you that that objection will gradually wear away." * * * Cross Purposes. — Do you -know, John,” remarked Mrs Jaggs, ' as'her husband stumbled upstairs, “that I’ve been awake for hours waiting for you to come home from the club.” “If that isn’t Just like a woman!” growled Jaggs. “And I’ve been at the club for hours waiting for you to go to sleep.” The Pain Killer.—There had been a slight roadside accident. _ The big saloon car drew up and its young owner jumped down to see if he could help. Presently he called to his chauffeur, “Perkins, bring the flrst-aid equipment, will you?” And Perkins answered, with dignity. “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ve drunk it all.” * * * , And No Gas.—“l want a shave, said the determined-looking man as he dropped into the barber’s chair. “I don’t want a haircut or a shampoo. Neither do I want any bay rum, hair tonic, hot towels; or face massage. I just want a plain shave with no trimmings. Do you understand that?” “Yes, sir," said , the barber. “Will you have some lather on your face, sir?” * * * The Futile Effort.—A girl met an old flame at a party, and decided to humble him. “Sorry,” she murmured when the hostess introduced him, “but I didn’t get your name.” “I know you didn’t,” he replied unkindly, “but it wasn’t your fault—you tried hard enough.” * * * Strange, But True.—A lawyer whose name was Strange lay dying, and by way of sympathy a friend asked what he would like inscribed on his tombstone. “Just put, ‘Here lies an honest lawyer,’” said he. “But,” said the friend, “that will not tell people who It Is.” “Oh, yes,” replied the lawyer, “many a passerby will say: ‘That’s Strange.’”

Fashionable Adjustment— Reporter (to film star): In what year would you like to have been born? ** * . Feline.—Friend; Eleanor has never had any lessons In piano-playing. Rival: How sweet of her not to put the blame on other people. In Default of Conscience, —Optimist: The best thing in the world is a good conscience. Pessimist: And the next best thing a good lawyer. Not Quite Accurate. —A wealthy but not particularly cultured land owner was asked to present the prizes at some juvenile sports. One of the contestants was awarded a book,, and the prize-giver handed it over in this fashion; "And this ’ere lucky young man is goin’ to get a beautiful book by Sir Walter Scott, and the name of it is—let me see —ah, yes—'The Leg End of Montrose.”’ Ail Arranged.—Young Man: I may seem cruel, Topsy, but I ought to tell you that last night at your party your sister promised to marry me. Will you forgive me for taking her away? Topsy: Forgive you? Why, you fool, that’s what the party was for! * * *• Crime and Motoring.— #, It Is said that the advent of the motor has Increased profanity at least 50 per cent.” "Maybe, but think how it has cut down horse-stealing.” * -» * „ . The Last Resource. —Doctor: But, my good woman, why didn’t you send for me before? Wife of Patient: Well, sir, we thought we’d wait a while an’ give ’im a chance to get over it. * * * Unheard-of Courtesy.—A lady entered a crowded tramcar, and one old gentleman promptly offered her his seat. The woman fainted. After she was brought to she said, “Thank you!” The gentleman then fainted. ■» * * The Mystery.—The manager of the travelling concert party gazed glumly at the audience—five all told. “I say, old man,” he whispered to the comedian, “how do you account for this? We’ve never been here before, have we?”

Easy Money.—The two waiters were standing by the table over which the tired diner had fallen asleep. “I’ve already wakened him twice,” said the first waiter, “and I'm going to wake him a third time.” “Why don’t you have him taken out?” suggested the second waiter. The first waiter shook his head artfully. “Nothing doing,” he whispered. “Every time I wake him up he pays his bill." * * * Change of Venue.—The guide was conducting a party of visitors round the . ancient castle, which had been thrown open to-the public. Coming to the banqueting-hall, he said: “In this hall, 200 years ago, the young and beautiful countess was foully murdered.” All the visitors but one were duly impressed, and this one said:— “But I thought you told us last week that it happened in the anteroom?” , The guide turned angrily upon him. “I know that,” he whispered, “but we can’t go in there now—it’s being redecorated.” 4f * * ■ Secret Torment.—Wife: The brandy bottle is empty. We kept it for cases of illness. . Husband: Yes, I drank IL I was ill. Wife: You did not say so. Husband: I didn’t want to frighten you. * * * Close Contact. —“That man Is ta close touch with the heads of manv organisations.” “Well, well! He must be a good barber!” * * * That Did It.—A beggar clutched at the sleeve of a benevolent passer-by. “Twopence, sir, for a cup of coffee,” he whined. The other turned and surveyed him. “Why should I give you twopence?.” he asked. “What brought you to this plight?” “A terrible catastrophe, sir,” the beggar replied. “Two years ago I. like you, enjoyed business prosperity. I worked industriously. On the wall above my desk was my motto: ‘Think Constructively. Act Decisively.’ Wealth poured my. way. And then—and— then ” “Yes, and then?” The beggar’s fraihe shook convulsively. “The charlady burned my motto," he sobbed.