BOOKS OLD AND NEW

Evening Star, Issue 21079, 16 April 1932, Page 4

BOOKS OLD AND NEW

[By Canon Nevill.]

\Vhri the Kailyard School was in the ascendant a lady subscriber walked into Mudie’s and asked for “ ‘ The Stickit Minister,’ by Crockett, or ‘ The Crockett Minister,’ by Stickit.” She was not quite sure of the title of the novel, but she knew it was either one or thr other of these. • * • • Sir James Crichton Brown writes that Samuel Warren, K.C., for several years a valued colleague of his, was an exceedingly clever little man, but a bit of a snob. On one occasion at a dinner party he said loudly enough for all to hear: “ I,was dining at Lord So-and-so’s last night, and we had no fish.” Upon which Sergeant Murphy, who was of the party, ’remarked: 11 Probably it had all been eaten upstairs.” ft ft ft ft An American judge granted a divorce to a wife because her husband had coased to kiss her. This he defined as lt negative cruelty.” ft ft ft ft A patient of Sir James said to him: “ Heredity, in which I am a firm believer, has been a great consolation to me. 1 had a very depraved grandfather, and I feel sure he is responsible for all the irregularities I have committed.” ft ft ft * Sir James recalls a parliamentary election long ago in a Scottish county where the successful candidate secured the seat by one vote. There was no ballot in those days, but on scrutiny it was found that one vote had been given by a gentleman who had escaped from the lunatic asylum that morning. There was a petition, but it was decided that + he vote was valid, as the gentleman’s name was on the register, and it might create a dangerous precedent to inquire into the mental capacity of voters. ft ft ft ft Sydney Smith said of a little friend of his that he had such a great mind that he had hardly enough _ body to cover it, and was often exposing it indecently. ft ft ft ft A hyperbolic speaker described a gorgonzola cheese as being so strong that you could smell it through the telephone. ft * ft * A financial scapegrace of the last century, Baron Grant, provoked the following epigram : Honours kings can give, honour they can’t ; Rank without honour is a barren grant. The baron invited subscriptions to a mine called the Emma, which had no existence, so the Stock Exchange extended the epigram thus: That’s very true, but much worse the dilemma, To he without a title like the Emma. ft * ft ft ' “ The early pioneers who cut down the forests and settled the farm lands of North America,” says Stephen Leacock, “ never seem to have taken any exercise. They knew nothing of the value of deep breathing or of the advantages of lifting the left knee to the chest five times before breakfast every morning.” * ft ft ft Dean Swift, preaching on pride, said ; “ There are three kinds of pride—the pride of birth, the pride of riches, and the pride of intellect. Of the latter I need say nothing here, as you have no intellect to bo proud of.” ft ft ft ft The late Sir Henry Howorth, soon after the publication of his ‘ History of the Mongols,’ took into dinner a young lady .who said to him: “1 am so glad to meet you, for I want to consult you about my little dog.” “ Your little dog?” said Sir Henry. ‘‘l am afraid that is not in my line. I know nothing about dogs.” “ What?” said the young lady. “ Didn’t you write the ‘ History of the Mongrels ’ ?” . • ft ft ft In Teviotdale in former days a family of distinction, strongly attached to the Presbyterian cause, made it a rule, in accordance with an ancient custom, that a Bible and a bottle of strong ale should be placed in the bed chamber of every guest. On one occasion there was a meeting of the Synod in the neighbourhood of the castle, when all the ministers attending were invited to dine and stay the night there. As the guests

were numerous, seven of the reverent gentlemen were quartered in one large barrack room which was used on such occasions of extended hospitality. The butler took care that the guests, on retiring to rest, were each provided, as etiquette required, with a Bible and a bottle of strong ale. But after a little consultation among themselves the ministers recalled the butler as he was leaving the apartment. “My friend, you must know,” said one of the group, “ that when wo are met together thus the youngest minister present reads aloud a portion of Scripture to the rest. Only one Bible is thus necessary, so you may take away the six other Bibles and bring another half-dozen of ale instead.”

Canon Robertson told me that in speaking to the Episcopal school children at Dumfries on January 24 he asked them; “What great man and saint do we commemorate to-morrow?” In reply there was one jubilant shout from one and all of the children, “ Bobbie Burns!” “No, no, my dear children,” said the canon. “Ho was not exactly a saint. To-morrow is the feast of the conversion of St. Paul.” There was dead silence.

An old farmer from a remote part of Galloway was brought to the infirmary at Dumfries for an operation. To cheer him up the sister turned on the wireless. “What’s ho asked. “It’s music,” said the sister. “Ay, but where does it come frae?” “You see that wire,” said the sister; “it comes from Daventry.” “Ay, but where’s that?” “In the middle of England.” “In the middle of England—I hae ma doots.”

Professor Robertson, of Edinburgh, said to Sir James: “Is it not remarkable that an able man like the late Lord Dewar should have been a disciple of Conan Doyle?” “Not at all,” Sir James replied. “ He was brought up on spirits.”

A child wrote to the children’s country holiday fund in London: “Thank you very much for the trouble I gave you in sending me away.”

Sir James Dundas Grant told the doctor about an officer suffering from neuritis as a result of shell shock. Immense _ pains were being taken in reeducating him in articulation and speech. After this had gone on for some time the patient suddenly exclaimed : “ Let us have no more of this damned nonsense. 1 can speak as well as you!” And so ho did.

Sir James said that his friend the late Dr George Ogilvie, had a large body, a large heart, and a large brain, and an irresistible sense of _ humour. He was consulting over a patient who, after discrediting all the remedies that had been tried in his case, said: “I am very bad, and wTiat I need is a warmer climate,” to which Ogilvie replied: “ No, no, my good sir; that is just what we are trying to save you from.” Ogilvie’s gibe was like that of Lord Young, who, when told that a millionaire ironmaster who was dying had bequeathed £IOO,OOO to the Church of Scotland, remarked; “ That is the largest transaction in fire insurance I have ever heard of.” ft ft ft ft When a billiard ball stops what docs it do? Looks round. ,(■ ft ft ft ' ft, ' At a meeting of a p-ovihcial board of guardians it was moved that the clerk, in view of certain special duties, should be presented with an honorarium, upon which a member remarked: “ If the clerk attends to his duties he will not have much time to play upon the honorarium.”

Sir William Ramsay told- a story of a man in Aberdeen who had received a telegram that ho must break to his sister-in-law the news of her husband’s sudden death. He went straight to her house and burst in and said; “ I’ve got bad news for you about John. He’s in heaven.”

An old woman told Sir James’s wife that she had been suffering from “ Ulster of the stomach and duodecimo.”

A Scottish professor, obsessed by recent research work, told his class that oatmeal killed more people than whisky. A brother professor remarked that he must have been full of whisky when he said that.

A Scotch lady Bent an old farmer who was ill some custards and jellies. When she called she found that he had not partaken of them, and when she asked why he replied: “ Na, na, they’re ower plausible. I like something that takes a grip o’ the mouth like parritch.”

A very tedious minister preached for more than an hour on the major prophets, and then said: “ And now, my friends, where shall wo place Hosea? ! ’ On which a man in the congregation whose patience was exhausted rose, saying: “ Hosea can have my place. I’m off.”

After Sir Frederick Bramwell was elected a Fellow of the Royal Society he felt justified in increasing his professional charges. A client called to expostulate because Sir Frederick had given him no warning. “Oh, yes, I did,” said Bramwell. “ Didn’t you see the letters F.R.S. after my name; fees riz since.”

A restless child lying awake at night asked her mother to tell her a fairy tale. “ No, no, dear,” the mother said. “ It’s far too late for fairy tales. Go to sleep.” To which the precocious infant replied: 11 Father will bo in soon, and he’ll tell ns both fairy tales.”

A poor woman entered the shop of a somewhat surly butcher, who asked her sharply: “What do you want?” “ Want,” she replied. “ I want a motor car and a house in Park lane, hut what 1 am ordering is a pound of lean steak.”

An old Scottish laird in failing health agreed to the suggestion of his doctor that a second opinion should be called in. Not feeling sure about the frankness of the doctors, ho told his faithful manservant Sandy to hide in a small room close by and listen to their remarks afterwards. The consultation took place, and the doctors spoke to the patient in very encouraging terms. Later Sandy came in to make his report. “ Well, Sandy, what did the doctors say?” “ Oh, they talked a lot of stuff I didna understand, but the end of it was this: that they didna’ exactly ken what was the maiter with make it a’ clear.” ye, but that the post mortem would