THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 20996, 9 January 1932, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

An Extensive Practice.—Visitor: Why are the doctor’s consulting hours from six to eight In the morning? Maid: Our patient cannot come at any other time. 4. His Loss. —Barrister; Lwas deceived in regard to that man whom I defended on a charge of embezzling half a million. Friend: You found he was guilty. “No, confound it! He was innocent, and hadn’t a penny to pay me with.’’ Economy.—Client: Why Is,your employer always blowing you up? Typist: Well, he's a Scot, and that’s his way of giving me a rise. <9& # Too Much.—" There is one thing, Bridget,” said the mistress, "that I insist upon. If you break any dishes come and tell me at once,” “Sure, ma’am," protested Bridget, “but I can’t be runnin’ to ye every minute of the day!” * £. # One Reason. —The rector had Invited the village boys ,to the rectory for a strawberry tea. After they had finished, he, seeking to point the moral, said: “Now, boys, wasn't that nicer than breaking into my garden and helping yourselves ?” "Oh, yes,” chorused the boys. “And why was it nicer?” he asked a chubby-faced boy. “Because, sir,” was the reply, “wp* shouldn’t have had any sugar and cream with them.’’

Unavoidable Delay.—Joan: What’s made you so late? Jim: I ran Into a garage on the way. Joan: Did you need some repairs, then? Jim: No, but the garage will. Found Out.—Acre (beaming): Hurrah! Hurrah! At last I’ve found Payneall out. Field: Oh! Is he dishonest? Acre: No, he’s a dentist. In the Same Boat. —Beggar: Spare a copper. I have had nothing to eat' for four days. Man (whose wife is away): Nor have I. * # # His Contribution. —Hostess; Now, doctor, all the other guests have given proof of their talents, so we expect an item from you. Doctor: Very well, I will feel the pulSe of every’ guest present. Luck.—Hook: What luck did you have fishing? Sinker: Splendid! While I was away six men with bills called for money, * * * Counting the Cost.—A Chicago actress came into a lawyer’s office and said, “I want a divorce.” ' “Certainly," said the lawyer. “For a nominal fee I will institute proceedings.” - • - , ' “What is the nominal fee?" “Five hundred dollars,” he replied. “Nothing doing’’ retorted the lady. "I can have him shot for 10.”

Mutual Admiration.—Mrs P.: My husband admires everything about me —my hair, my eyes, my hands, my voice— | Mrs Q.: Well, -what do you admire about him? Mrs P.: Why, his good taste. Motoring Maxims. Pedestrians should be seen and not hurt. Say it with brakes, and save on the flowers. Time saved at a dangerous crossing may be lost in the casualty ward. * * # A Genuine Case. —Prissie: I simply had to give a shilling to that blind beggar. I was so touched when he said, "Won’t you help the blind, pretty lady?” Euby: Did he say that, dear? Oh, well, it shows he really was blind, doesn’t it? ** * / No Occupation.—“ What do you do?’’ "I keep. house, scrub, scour, bake, wash dishes, cook, do the laundry, iron, sew.” And the Census taker listed her: “Housewife —no occupation.”

1 Euphemistic.—Scorer: I can see the squire’s terribly hurt about being bowled first ball. I hardly dare put it down in the score book. Captain: Don’t put it down, then. Just put “retired hurt." Must Have Been. —Wife (looking up from paper)): What was "Hobson's Choice?" Husband: Mrs Hobson, I suppose. * * * Mother’s Pride.—Teacher: Your boy always promises amendment, but he never keeps his promises. Mother: Oh, yes, I know. He has always been a promising child. # # # Why He Hesitated.—Mrs Bosslm went on a day trip to the' seaside one August bank holiday. “I am at a loss to-understand your conduct when we parted," she said to her husband on her return, “I said good-bye to you. Why didn't you say good-bye in response?” ■ “I was going to," was the meek reply, "but I checked myself. I was afraid you’d accuse me of trying to have the last word r ”

The Very Thing.—Mr Brown: How do you like this place?' Shall we buy it? Mrs Brown: Oh, it’s perfectly priceless. The view from this balcony is so fine that it leaves me speechless. Mr Brown: Then we’ll buy it. *■ # * His Trouble.—The small boy was having tea away from home; but when his hostess asked him to have another piece of cake, he refused. “Why," she inquired, “are you troubled with a poor appetite?” “No,” he replied, “but I’m troubled with politeness!” * * * Very Modern.— Brisket, the young newspaper reporter, had been sent into the country to get the views of the farmers on * the kind of weather that could be expected over August Bank Holiday. After wandering about for some time he espied an old farmer who looked the last word in rusticity. “Good morning!” said Brisket cheerily. “Lovely day—what?” “Ay, ’tis an’ all,” said the farmer, pausing in his labours, “but there’s thunder about.” Brisket scented a story. “You think so, eh?” he continued. “How can you tell? Red sky in the morning is the shepherd’s warning—or perhaps you have some special method of your own?” The farmer shook hisdiead decidedly. “Dunno nothin’ about that,” he replied. “But it were given out on the wireless last night and ’twas in all the mornin’ papers.”

Tempted.—Attentive young ■ mans; Do let me give yon a little of this trifle, Miss Belsize. Miss Belsize: Dear*me, Isn’t this dreadful. I’m trying to diet, and yet I’m dying, to try It. -|- Hrfelilii * * * An English Summer.—He: He’s a pretty fast server, isn’t he? She: Yes, you’ve got to serve pretty fast this summer to get the ball across, the net, before the next shower. * * * Quite in Order.—The policeman on duty in a certain busy thoroughfare stopped a carman who was driving his van along. “You can’t come along here!” said the constable. “Didn’t you read the notice board? This is only open for traffic going one way!” “Well,” said the carman, puzzled, “I’m only goln’ one way, ain’t I.” 3. # Another Trick.—The place was crowded. It wasn’t exactly a fashionable wedding, but there was no gainsaying the interest it caused, because both bride and bridegroom had been much in the public eye—she as an actress, he as a conjurer. Everything went well until > they reached the critical stage of the proceedings, and the clergyman asked for the ring. The bridegroom plunged his hand into his pocket and brought out a rabbit. Then the horrified look in the clergyman’s eyes and a startled exclamation from the bride made nlm | realise that something was wrong. He looked down and saw the rabbit. “Pardon!." he said, act,”