THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 20980, 19 December 1931, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Why.—Percy: Sir, I should like to marry your daughter. Stern parent: I absolutely forbid you to do so. Percy: Why what's the matter with her? * * A Careful Parent.—Mistress: Maggie, 1 think I’ll take one of the children to church this morning. Maggie: Yes, ma’am. Mistress: Which one do you think would go best with this dress? Better or*Worse.—“How is your wife getting on, John?’’ “Well, miss, sometimes she’s better an’ sometimes she’s worse. But from the way she takes on when she’s better Oi be thinking at times that she’s better when she’s worse.’’ How it Began.—P’irst Actress (cuttingly): I wonder, dear, if I shall lose my looks, too, when I reach your age? Second Actress (equally cuttingly) : Well, dear, perhaps you may. You never know your luck. Let’s hope so, anyway. * * * Very Obliging.—Porter: Now, then, get in miss. The train’s just going. Young woman: But I want to kiss my sister. Porter; That’s all right, miss. I’ll see to that for you! Good News.—A motorist while driving in the East End had the misfortune to knock down a Hebrew, who was partially stunned. The driver jumped out, applied restoratives and soon had the victim conscious. “Cheer up, old chap,’’ he said. “You’re not going to die this time. You’ll soon recover.” “Vill I?” inquired the victim, brightening up. “How much?” * * * ox Quite Good. —The tram conductor handed back the florin to the woman passenger. “That coin is no good, madam,” he told her. “It is spurious.” “Ridiculous!” she said, examining the coin. “Why, it is dated 1901. Someone would surely have noticed it before this if it were bad.”

Different.—Applicant for job: I’ve come about that job that was advertised. Employer: Oh, yes. Can you do the work? Applicant: Work! I thought it was a foreman you wanted! * * ■» His Cue.—Suitor: May I marry your daughter, sir? Stern father: What is your vocation. Suitor; I am an actor, sir. Stern father (angrily); Then get out before the “footlights”! * « -55Safety First.—Nervous lady (in hotel): Dear me, porter, this bedroom is a tremendous height from the street. I do hope you take precautions against fire. Porter: Oh, yes, mum, we take eyery precaution. The proprietor’s got the place insured for twice what it’s worth. * * * A Gentle Hint.—A customer sat down to a table in a smart restaurant and tied his table napkin round his neck. The manager, scandalised, called a boy and said to him: “Try to make him understand as tactfully as possible that that’s not done.” Boy (seriously to customer): Shave or haircut, sir? Unquenchable.—The old actor was boasting of his past achievements to the very bored members of the club. At last one of them put a question to the actor. “Look here,” he said, “you may be wonderful and all that, but I do fairly well in business, and I think I have more to be proud of than you. In fact, I've been given an illuminated address, and that is more than you can say.” The actor smiled. “Oh, no, it isn’t, laddie!” he said. “I also have had one.” “And on what occasion was that?" inquired the other. “Once when my lodgings caught lire,” said the actor. » * * How It Ended.—A group of workmen were discussing the evolution and origin of man. One of the party remained silent, when a companion turned to him and demanded his opinion. “I ain’t goln’ to say,” he replied doggedly. “I remember as ’ow Henry Green and me thrashed that out once before, and it’s settled as far as 1 am concerned.” “But what conclusion did you come to?” “Well,” he said slowly, “we didn’t arrive at the same conclusion —no, we didn’t. Henry arrived at the 'orspital an’ me at the police station.”

The Bitter Truth.— Teacher: If coal is two pounds a ton and you pay the dealer 10 pounds, how many tons does he bring you? Willie: Four tons. Teacher: You know that Isn’t right. Willie: It ain’t right, but they do it! * * * What Did He Mean.—“So many men marry for money,” she said. “You wouldn’t marry me for money, would you, Harry?” “No.” said Harry, absently. “I would not marry you for all the money In the world.” And he was amazed when sbd exclaimed: “Oh, you wretch!” * * * Rewarded. —Boss (in a beneficent mood); Well, Jenkins, you’ve been with us now for 30 years. You’ve been a faithful employee, and we want you to know we appreciate your services. Therefore, as a mark of our appreciation, we have decided that in the future you’ll be called “Mr Jenkins.” * * * Somewhat Irish.—Talking about parents and sons, do you know the story of the Irish father who; in congratulating the young ’un upon reaching his seventeenth birthday, remarked: How wonderful it must be to be 17 with all your past still in front of ye! * * * Any Port. —There was a landlubber with the shipwrecked crew that had been adrift' for two days, with hope at low ebb. “What’s that?” exclaimed the landsman, pointing into the distance, “That’s land, isn’t it?” “I see nothing but the horizon,” replied the first mate. “Well, hang it all, that’s better than nothing. Let’s pull for it.” * * * A Great Favour.—“Thank you very much,” said the vicar, _as little Tommy handed up an offering for'the harvest festival. “I must call round and thank your mother for these eight beautiful apples.” “P-please sir,” stammered Tommy, “would you mind thanking her for t-twelve apples!” '

Hard Lines. —“Louise has a very difficult role in the play.” “Difficult? Why she hasn’t a word to say.” “Well, what could be more difficult than that?” * * * Not His Fault.—With an air of great determination the woman walked into the photographer’s studio. “Good-morning, madam; what can I have the pleasure of ?” “These photos of my husband,” began the woman, banging a packet down on the table. “They’re simply disgraceful. Why, he looks just like an ape!” The camera-man’s pride was wounded. “Indeed,” he replied, icily, “but you should have thought of that before you married him.” * * Jealous.—The business man had for once taken his wife to the theatre. And he was enjoying himself when an attractive girl seated herself two rows ahead. ' Turning to his wife he Implored: “Pretend you are not with me. That girl just seated is my typist; If she notices you are with me * she’ll get jealous and sulk for the rest of tee week.” * * * A 1 Slight Difference.—" Now, Mrs Fleecem,” said the lawyer, as the witness took the stand, “please remember that you are under oath, and that what you tell must be the exact truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.” “Yes, sir.” “You keep boarders, I believe?” “No, sir.” “What’s that? I certainly understood that you kept a boarding-house? “That’s different, Mr Smart. I remember that I am under oath, and must speak only the exact truth. I do not keep boarders. The boarders keep me.” *“ * * Wonderful.—George (read out from the newspaper); Five hundred elephants are needed every year for making billiard balls. “Fancy, Gorge,” said Aunt Mildred, who was staying with them, “isn’t it remarkable that such great animals can be trained to such delicate work?” Making Sure.—The two suburbanites were busy in their adjoining gardens. Presently Smith looked over the fence into Brown’s garden. “I say, old man,” he said, “are you using your stepladder this afternoon?” Brown was on his guard at once. •’ ’Fraid I am,” he replied. “Splendid!” came from Smith. “Then you won’t mind lending me your lawn mower?’ 1