THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 20666, 13 December 1930, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Ferry Fare. —Scot: how much dae ye charge for yer ferry? Ferryman: A halfpenny sir. Scot: Hae ye no excursions? Evidence. —Did your companion seem drunk? Yes, he tied the newspaper TOtmfi his neck and read his paper serviette during dinner. •» , ■» •» The Horror.—Artist: Do you think [ have depicted the horrors of war strongly enough in my new picture? Critic: Yes, I have never seen such a horrible picture. * * Hush Hush Policy.—l saw you, in the theatre yesterday. Was that your wife you had with you? Of course, it was, you suspicious beast. But do me a favour and don’t tell her so.

The Parting.—Departing Maid (after extremely short stay): I suppose you’ll send my letters on, ma’am. Mistress (sarcastically): Certainly, if there’s room on the envelope for any more addresses. #' * * Satisfied.—Engine-driver’s Sweetheart: And do you always think of me during your long night trips, George, dear? Engine-driver: Do I? Why, I’ve wrecked trains that way, already. E.D.S.: Oh, you darling. * -xAbsurd: Come, now, Hemma, said the Whitechapel bridegroom, you’Te goin’ to s’y “obey" when you comes to it in the service, ain’t you? ' Whot. me? cried the bride. She s’y “obey” to you? Why, blow me, ’Em uery, you ain’t ’arf me size!! The Contrary.—The argumentative town councillor was on his feet, bent on pulverising his opponents. , “Mr Chairman,” he said, “Councillor Jones says that this is a case of six of one and half a dozen of the other. But I say no—most emphatically no! It is exactly the contrary!” ** ’ * Quite. Legal.— Lawyer (returning home late): Sorry to be late, my dear. The fact is, I’ve been working like a horse. Wife (unsympathetic): Nonsense, George! That’s always your excuse. Yes, dear, but this time it’s liter !ly true. I’ve been drawing a conveyance al’ day. * # * Leander Outdone.—Teacher: Leander swam the Hellespont every night to see Hero. That is the strongest proof of love we have. Pupil: I know a better. Teacher: What is that? Pupil: Our maid loves the postman, so she writes a letter to herself every night to make sure he will come the next day.

The Prison Sermon. —It was Sunday morning, and the village parson had only just discovered that he had not prepared his sermon. *‘£tever mind,” said his companion, a prison chaplain, “I’ll loud you one of mine.” The defaulting . parson readily accepted the offer, and took it with him to the pulpit without examination. Everything went smoothly until he addressed his bewildered congregation in the following words; “I have seen some of you here before, once, twice, perhaps three times but I hope I shall never see any of you here again.” ■K* Where For?-—Two elderly women standing on the platform at the Waverley Station were requested to stand aside to allow a porter leading a bulldog to get by. One of'the women said to the porter: — “1 say, porter, is that dog ferocious?” “No, madam.” the porter replied, “it’s for Berwick,” ■ , ,

The Charm of Music.—“ How did you like my 'Slumber Song’? Was it not very effective?’’ “Very.” * * * Finale.—Visitor: Do you like reciting, dear? Child: Oh, no; I hate it really. But mummy only makes me do it ■when she wants people to go. « * •» The Wayback.—“What is your brother in college?” “A half-back.” “I mean in studies.” “Oh, in studies he’s away hack.” * * * Grandmother’s Funeral. —First office boy: Don’t you ever have a day off for your grandmother’s funeral? Second office boy: What! And me working for the registrar of births and deaths!

Birds of a Feather.—“ Bah!" Young Simpson snorted. “Golf is a game fit only for old men and fools!” “Yes,” Johnson murmured, sympathetically. “I make a hopeless mess of it, too!” ■» . i> * More Correct.—Teacher: I should like you all to take more pride in your personal appearance. Now, you Jimmy! How many collars do you wear a week? Jimmy: Please, miss, do you mean how many weeks do I wear a collar? Spring Hats.—Mrs Spenders: I wonder what will be the most popular styles in hats this spring? Mr Spenders: My dear, women’s hats will be divided into two styles this spring as usual; the style you don’t like, and'the style I can’t afford. *» , » No Digger.—Farmer: 1 cannot give you rmney, but I can employ you to dig potatoes. Workshy: But it would be better to employ the man who planted them. Farmer: Why? Workshy: Because he knows where they are. * * * Care of the Halfpence.—Manager of Multiple Shop: Jones,, you gave that customer a penny change instead of a halfpenny. Jones: I am sorry I made that little mistake, sir. Manager: Little mistake? You paid 100 per cent, too much, and call that a little mistake? # # # Indispensable: Two boys met outside the offices of a firm which was reputed to be worth millions, and which employed over two thousand people. Said the first boy: “’DIIo, Dick! Wotcher lookin’ at the orfice wot sacked you last week for? Are yer tryin’ to get took back?” His friend sniffed. “No fear!" he said. “I just dropped roun’ to see if they wuz still in biz’ness.”

A Moving Incident.—Smith was before the Magistrate for having injured his wife. Magistrate: You maintain that you threw your wife out of the second story window through forgetfulness! Smith: We used to live on the ground floor, and I'd clean forgotten we’d moved! ...» » » Probably Right.—A man who had sent a pair of trousers to be pressed was getting very indignant because the firm was very evasive concerning them. (As a matter of fact, its man had spoiled them by an accident.) “Look here,” said the owner of the trousers, telephoning. “I want to know what has happened. If you don’t satisfy me I’ll get a reporter-friend of mine to show you up in the local paper!" “Well,” came the reply, “he can, if he likes. - Tell him to report that th* trousers were all right at the time of going to ‘press.’ - r