THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 20422, 1 March 1930, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

To Put It Coarsely.—“l made some !’ very valuable contacts today.” ”1 didn’t make any sales, either." * * * Human Barbed-Wire.—"What have you in the way of a drink?” "Three policemen and a Federal agent.” * * * Give It a.Name. —Poor Golfer; “Well, how do you like my game?" -'Caddy: “I suppose It's all right, but I still prefer golf." * * • Midnight Embraces.—“ The lampposts in our road have been repainted.” “Yes, I noticed It when my husband came home.” * * Return Postage.—A callow rhymester went to a wise man with the question: "What book is most useful to a poet?” “A book of stamps,” was the reply, e * * Try a Brassie.—Golfer: If you laugh at me again, I’ll knock your block oft’. Caddy: Haw, haw, you wouldn't even know what club to use.

Quick Turnover. —Herbert: Arthur hasn't been out one night for three weeks. Flora: Has he turned over a leaf? No; he’s turned over a new car., « * • Call the Board of Health.— -NightClub Habitue (staggering out of dive at 4 a.m.): Good Lord, what Is that strange odour round here? Doorman: That, sir, is fresh air. * * * Own Up, Old Top! —Mr.- Beard: I want something to wear - round the dormitory. » Salesgirl: ■ How large is your dormitory? , Making It Right. —“ You’ve saved my life and I’d give you 10 shillings,, but, unfortunately, I have only a pound note.” "Never mind—jump in the river again.” • * « Too Much Sister. —She: Now you pride yourself on being able to judge a woman's character by her clothes. What would be your verdict on my sister over there? He (looking at her sister’s scant attire): Insufficient evidence.

Pass the Whisk-Broom.—Bettie (just homo from a holiday in Egypt): And, Auntie, it was so interesting: the tombs and pyramids and things were all covered with hieroglyphs! Aunt Louisa: Oh, dear! I hope you didn’t get any bn you, child. * . « *. Silent Movie,—Mother; What did your father say when he saw his broken pipe? Innocent: Shall I leave out the swear words, mother? 1 Mother:' Certainly, my dear. Inpocent; Then I don’t think he said anything. t • * Altered.—Charlie came home after a fight witlv his new neighbour. “I’m ashamed of you!” his mother said sternly. “And. I’m certainly surprised at that new boy fighting. . I thought he had such a nice face!” “Well, hasn’t now!” replied Charlie, thoughtfully. • ♦ 9 Try a Shovel.—Eating jelly with a knitting-needle was one of the competitions recently organised by a woman’s Institute in the country, and already we hear of several other sporting events that aspire to live up to the disheartened beginner’s definition of golf as “getting a ball into a hole with instruments singularly ill-adapted for the purpose.” * • • What the. Saints Will Miss.—The late Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree, the famous actor-manager, was once passing Into Gloucester Cathedral to attend a festival. He heard a man arguing excitedly with a steward, who refused to let him enter without his ticket,, which he declared he had lost. Losing his temper, the disappointed one demanded rhetorically, "Do ■ you think tickets will be required to enter Heaven?" “Possibly not, sir,” was the reply, "but Madame 1 will not be sinking there.” J

Surviving a Panic.—“ The scene beggared description." “Never mind,” said the editor, “borrow a few adjectives and go on with it.” ■*■ • * Educating Ma.—“ Has your son’s college education proved of any real value ?” “Yes, indeed, it’s entirely cured his mother of bragging about him.” • • » Friends of Silence. —By means of a new local anaesthetic, patients may ilisten-ln to radio while undergoing a surgical operation. Some, however, firmly demand chloroform. ■ *. * • On ! the Safe Side.—Father: “Are there half fares for children?” Conductor: “Yes. under fourteen." Father; "That’s all right. I’ve only five.” * • * 'Sure Fire.—Success Expert: What’s your name? Greek Client: Gus Poppapopupopulos. Success Expert: Get a job selling motor-cycles. y» « ■ Canine Morale. —Cinema Attendant; I’m sorry, madam, but you can’t take that dog inside. Mrs. Fitzdoodle: “How absurd! What harm can the pictures do to little Fido?” « • * No Relationship.—Housewife; “Before 1 engage you, I will just give you a little intelligence test.” Jane; “Intelligence test? Why, I thought you wanted me to do the cooking!” » • • Just as Reasonable.—“ Six feet in his boots.'” exclaimed Mrs. Flatt. “Yes,” said Mr. Flatt. “Nonsense! Why, they might as well tell me that s the man had six heads in his hat.” * • • Merciful Oblivions—Street Brawler: “Look 'ere, my friend, let me tell you this. When I 'its a man, 'e remembers it.” The Other: “Oh, ’e do, do ’e? Well, when X ’its 'im, 'e don’t.” ♦ • * ■The Retort Courteous.—He; "When I married you I thought you were an angel.” She;: “I imagine you did. You seemed to think I could manage without clothes or hats.” •■ » • He Talked Back.—“ What happened to your face?” “Hadia little argument with a fellow about driving in traffic.” “Why didn’t you call a cop?” "He was a cop.” • » * The Professor Again.—The absentminded professor, who is something of a motoring enthusiast, always reads the Monday morning papers to find out if he’s been in an accident the previous Sunday.

And Well Qualified.—Teacher: “You , ' have heard of William the Conqueror, of course ?” Pupil: “Yes. sir.” Teacher: “What would he be doing now if he were alive?” Pupil: “Drawing the old-age pension.” The Radiant Maid.—They had Just become engaged. ’’Darling,” he said, “you are the sweetest* angel on earth. Goodness radiates from' your face so that it shines—— ’’ “Does It?” she exclaimed In horrified tones. “Where is my puff?”' • • • Not Objectionable.—Agent; “I-for-got to mention ■ that in this house you’re buying there are two very old stained-glass windows.” Newrich: “That won’t matter. If they’re stained too bad to be cleaned I can easily have some new ones put in.” 1 •, » * Well-founded Belief.—A Californian > paper reports: “After - the ceremony. Smith declared, he visited his father-in-law, Daniel Roney’s house, whereupon his mother-in-law hit him over the nose, drawing blood, and his father-in-law fired at him twice with a shotgun. The police believe the Roneys objected to the match.T The Name.—Jones was proudly conducting his friend Smith over the new house. It was really a. comfortable dwelling, and Smith duly admired its qualities: ’ “Yes,” he said, “you've certainly got hold of a very nice house. But I see you haven’t named it yet. What are you going to call it?” “Littledown.” “Littiedown? What on earth for That’s hardly suitable for a house In the toiyn like yours."’ ' “Oh, yes, it is. Little down —and balance by instalments.’’