THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 20316, 26 October 1929, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

1.0. U wife loses quite a lot of money at bridge, doesn’t she?” “Yes, I do.” ' ■■■ Hence Two.—“l understand Jones has two cars now.” , “Yes, there wasn’t room for all the accessories on just one.”^ Not Yet' Acquainted. —Esther: “One of my girl friends is here at the beach looking for her husband.” Richard: “What’s his name?” Esther 1 “Oh, she doesn’t know yet.” « it $ Some Other Idiot.— Wife (to returning husband at seaside resort): “Oh, darling, I’m so glad you’ve come. We heard that some idiot had fallen over the cliff and I felt sure it was you I" » * « Postponed. — “l think marriages are really made in heaven, don't you?” “Well, if all men took as long to propose as you, most of them would have to be.” r. ft ft . Weary Hours. —Patient professor: “Now. gentlemen, I don’t mind you taking out your watches and looking at them, but please be courteous enough not to hold them up to your ears as if you thought they had stopped.” Starting Early. —Clubman: "I’ve struck a perfectly priceless idea. I’ve arranged to give a man £2,000 on condition that he relieves me of all my worries.” Friend: “That’s fine, but where are you going to get the £2,000?” Clubman: “Ah, that will be his first worry.”

The Eternal Dole.—“Yus, Maria, I goes afore the committee, I does, and I ses. 'GenTmen, I’ve come for the eternity benefit.’ ‘But, my good woman,’ ses the chairman, ‘don’t yer know that eternity means the 'ereafter?’ ‘Well, genTmen,’ ses I, ‘1 don’t know much abaht the ‘ereafter, but I does know that I’m ere after the eternity benefit.’ ” •

Some Driver.—A man with more confidence than ability took his new car into the London traffic, and got badly tangled amid the various islands in Trafalgar Square. After watching his evolutions for some time, a-.policeman strolled across and said: —'T say, you aro a fine driver, you are. I believe if you were in the Sahara Desert you’d run into a water trough.” No Temptation.—Sandy McPherson was travelling to Glasgow, and on the way he felt thirsty, so he took out a bottle and drew the cork. Just as he was about to take a taste, a fellow passenger, in clerical garb, addressed him: — 1 ‘‘Excuse me, sir, but I am 05 years of age. and I have never tasted a drop of whisky!” “Dinna worry ycrsel',” said Sandy: ‘‘you’re no’ gaun tae start noo!” * * * Another Expense.—"My dear,” said a man to his newly married wife, “where did all these books on astronomy como from?” “A pleasant little surprise for you,” responded the wife. “You know, you said this morning we ought to study astronomy; so I bought every book I could on the subject.” It was some minutes before he spoke. “My dear girl,” he said slowly, “1 never said we must study astronomy: I said wc must study economy!” No Hurry.—An itinerant collector of old iron was trundling his barrow along a very narrow road. Behind him was a somewhat elderly motor-car, the impatient driver of which was hooting and tooting in his anxiety to pass the old-iron harrow. The old-iron merchant looked round at the car, and then addressed the owner: “Orl right, guv’nor. I’ll call for that tomorrer!” No Illusion.—Rather nervously, the little tailor walked up the steps and rang the bell of the West End mansion. “Is Mr. Gerald Lastword in?” he asked the man who answered his summons, "Yes, sir; will you come in?” the footman invited; “Mr. Gerald is in the library.” “Thank goodness,” murmured the little tailor fervently; “I am going to see my money at last.” But the footimyi had overhead the remark. “Oh, don’t make that mistake,” ho said; "if Mr. Gerald ’ad any money, sir, ’e wouldn’t be in, believe me.” * £ £ Better Going.—A certain railway line had the reputation of being very badly laid. A train was rushing along » seven miles an hour and rocking atrociously. Passengers were rolling from one side of the carriage to the other, or holding on like grim death to the window straps. Presently the motion became a little steadier. A traveller smiled faintly at the quietlooking man sitting opposite, and remarked, “We seem to be going smoother.” "Yes,” said the other, “we’re off the rails now.”

Instalments. —"Here is my bill,” said the lawyer. “Wish you would pay £SO down and then £5 a week.” "Sounds like buying an automobile,” said the client. “I am.” said the lawyer. ’* * * Understatement. —New Yorker (incredulously): “And you mean to sa; that in California you have 365 days of. sunshine a year?” The man from Los Angeles: “Exactly so, sir, and that’s a mighty conservative estimate.” # *►' ft Not as Good as a Feast. —Sammy (aged seven):- “Mamma, can I have some more puddin’?” Mother:' “No, Sammy, you’ve had enough.” Sammy: "But, mother, 1 don’t want enough. I want too much.” * * Nothing New,— Returning American Tourist (at port of entry): "What! Four hundred and fifty-seven dollars duty for some gowns and a few other things I bought in Paris? What an outrage!” Customs Officer: “Just an old United States custom." ; ft ft ft Making Sure.—A young mother was having difficulty in persuading her four-year-old son to go to sleep, so on this occasion she promised him a handful of raisins, of which he wai especially fond. The child smilingly subsided, and after a few minutes the nap appeared to have been begun, when he raised his head and asked, “Your handful or mine?”

The Diagnosis.—A young doctor, just from hospital, was called into his first case. The patient was an old lady, and having thoroughly examined her he nervously said to her husband. “This is simply a case of angenical contraditis emanaspasmosis. Coupled with this there is a slight enlargement of the collosis septergenoniensis, or In plain English, she’s got an attack of stomach ache.”

What, Indeed?—The prim old lady was dining one evening, and while the waiter was standing by the table she asked him to find out the title of the piece the orchestra was playing. Other duties claimed the waiter for a time, and when ho returned the lady had completely forgotten her request. Imagine her confusion when he bent toward her and softly whispered: "What Can 1 Do to Make You Love Me?” * * * Brain Work.—The mill foreman came upon two darkies walking slowly up ihe road, single file. “Say, you, why ain’t you worthless niggei’s working?” “We’so working, boss, sho' nuff. We'se carrying this plank up to the mill.” "What plank? I don’t see any plank,” "Well, fo’ de lawd’s sake, Abe! EC we ain't gone and forgot de plank!” v * * Outsize in Head. —The chauffeur wai holding forth in the village inn. “Yus, my young guv’nor rowed fo Hoxford a little wlxile back, 'e did.” His audience stared. “Yus, 'e wins kindreds of races went on the chauffeur, warming to Ir task. “An’ ’e always 'as the nair an’ date painted on 'is skull.” But that was too much for one Ik tener. “On his skull?” he echoed indignantly. “Lumme, 'e must ’ave an 'ead like an elephant.” * * « Sat on a Hot Stove?—A diplomatic attache found his work piling up in neglect, due to his endless social engagements. Finally ho resolved to cut them all out until he was cleared up. That very day a French lady of great charm insisted that he attend her small dinner that night. “No, madame, lam very sorry. I can have no more social engagements. I have burned my bridges behind me," "Ah, monsieur, I am so sorry! But I could lend you a pair of Henri’s, no?” * ■-> * Get Your Speckled Beauties.—A new means of taking trout from the San Jacinto Mountain streams has been discovered. It appears that two local fishermen were having poor luck whipping Straw - bei'ry Creek, when one suggested that the bait be soaked in some of the bootleg one of them happened to have brought along. This was tried, and at the first cast the rod bent nearly double, and it took the combined efforts of the two sportsmen to reel in the prize. Then it was discovered that the worm had seized a big fish by the throat and was choking it.