TELEPHONE COMEDIES

Evening Star, Issue 18034, 31 July 1922, Page 2

TELEPHONE COMEDIES

FROM A SLOT ’PHOHE.

“CALL CURLS " ON THE JOB,

“ANOTHER PENNY, PLEASE I”

A reporter had occasion to use a slot telephone for business purposes the. other night. He was in a hurry, and chd not read the instructions placed inside. tho box (it was one of tho new machines, where tho use* gives the handle a twirl to call tho exchange before placing a penny in the metal mouth). The . lady who answered was very polite (they all are, for that matter), and after asking for the number the reporter wished to be connected to, told him to drop tho penny in. , “I have already done; so, answered the reporter. “ Excuse mo, yon have not put a penny in yet,” said tho lady. “You could not havo <lono sOj a 3 I have not heard it dropped all right,” said the scribe, “and 1 am not going to give Bill Massey another penny. Will you ploaso connect me to the number I want?” “I am sorry, I cannot do eo until I hear the penny drop,” was tho answer. After a little more argument tho young lady whispered: “Hold on a second, and you can explain to someone else.” “Are you there?" said another female voice. “'Will you please place your penny in tho slot, and then wo will connect you up? It is your own fault for not leadinn- the instructions before ringing.” “Bill Massey is not going to get another penny,*' answered the reporter. I am in a hurry, so will you please connect me up!” , . . Tho young Indy’s next remark evinced considerable power of recollecting voices. “I believe you are a reporter,” she said; “I have heard your voice very often.” “Sure!" answered, the scribe; “but no more pennies. One is enough just now.’ “What about our pennies?” asked tho lady. “I have to walk home now that the Government has made a second out m my wages. You newspaper folk are afraid of the Government; otherwise you would slate them for cutting down our Tho reporter sympathised, and said he would make inquiries at the first opportunity. ’ • j -r . “ Now you keep your promise, sn-d i will put you on the number you want without that extra penny," said the lady. The reporter sent his few lines over the wire, situ was about to bang up tho xoceiver when the “call girl said: “All set? Nice night for a ramble! Be good, and don’t forget, to write something in favor of the Civil servants. As an afterthought she added: . “And don’t forget to read the instructions before you use a slot phone next time ‘ HE WHO LAUGHED LAST.

The reporter will not forget soon how his friend Rivera turned the tables on three practical jokers. True story; hnpnened right here in Dunedin. Rivers was in town with three friends, who -were convivial souls-, on ths night of a big five. He went home, but the three were too i wide-awake to hanker after bed. Rivera t had got snugly bet-wee r the sheets, and ; was enjoying his first sleep when “ Ting- , a-ling” went the telephone bell ; “ Bother," said Rivers (or words to that; effect), and went to the ’phone. “Whos ; there?” “ Tha-t you, Rivers?” said an anxious falsetto voice. Rivers said it was, ; and what did ho want. There:,was a- ■ h-r-r-r in his ear, and then silence. Rivers ; waited in the cold, yelling “ Hello, Hello, ) Hel ” Then ho went to lied again. ; A quarter of an hour afterwards he_was; wakened from a dozo by the bell. Elvers said they could go hang. The bell went again and again. E-ivers got up, and the , samo performance avus £one through at the ’phone. Rivers returned to bed saying things in a loud voice that his first- , born Avas fortunately too young to under- i stand. And his wife was used to it. This sorb of thing happened twice more, | and Rivers bad exhausted his vocabulary ; and danced all the jazz 'stops ho knew, i It was then half-past 4. He dressed and slipped down to town, it having dawpen upon him that his friends (?) were finish- : inrr up the night or starting a new day bv making a fool of him. Wanly <tp- ; proachin* the office of one of-these men, ; sure enough he saw the three standing at ; the doorway, obviously happy and well | content. Rivers sneaked away, i«ng up ; the police, and told them about being cl is. i turbed by “malicious false alarms. A, constable strolled round, and, finding- the men in the office, demanded an explanation. “We know nothing about it bed the three musketeers. The resourceful “John” rang up the exchange, 'and in | the name of the King got the requisite • confirmation. Then the fat was in the - fire, the cat out of the bag, and t the i pots on. The manager of tho business ; made representations; Rivers was Ann. , The police considered prosecution for ; “mischief.” A compromise was effected : which resulted in a donation of »o to a. charitable fund then being-rawed being acknowledged from “ Three Who.Laighed First.” It was Rivers who laughed last, j DAILY HOSPITAL CALL.

One of the daily jobs of a city is to “call up" the hospital and fire department to see if there is anything doing." A reporter making these uiqumcs day after day becomes well acquainted with the toilers at tho other ends of the wires, and knows how to deal with their moods and fancies (not forgetting the mSs of- the ’Change girls). , In making thSc calls this is what generally hap- , please,” from the ’Change' please—the hospital,” says the j “ Both numbers engaged,” quickly comes the answer. The reporter probably has other inquiries to make, and- is in a great hurry. Ho walks the office floor for a lew minutes, and then has another turn at the handle. , “Number, please,” comes the same old j “The .reporter asks -for the hospital num- I her again, and this time his luck -appears to be in. as the ’Change girl quickly answers;

“Through!” . , But there is no answer forthcoming from the hospital, and, after hanging on to the receiver for what the reporter thinks is an hour, ho twirls the handle with a savage snarl, and then gets a blast from the ’Change girl. “Don’t ring in my ear like thatl sue cries. "Didn’t you get the hospital? i put you through.” “Ho, I didn’t get them, snarls the -reporter. “ I cannot bang on waiting all day for someone to answer. Please give them a good ring.” ... “ Just a moment,” answers the girl, who has forgotten for the moment that the reporter had given her a- dizzy feeling m the head as a result of his vicious ring a i few moments previously. “I’ll try them again,” she concludes,. as she bangs the connecting plug home. _ . Everything is all right this time, as a sweet female voice calls: “Hello!” • "Is that the hospital?” asks the reporter. I “It is,” says the lady. “ How are you I to-day?” “This is the ‘Knickerbocker’ office, I answers the reporter, forgetting all about i the girl’s question regarding the state of his health. "Anything doing to-day?” "I don’t think so,” answers the girl; "but wait a minute until I see.” The reporter waits until this obliging young lady turns up the day’s entry of admissions in the book. She returns to the ’phone, sometimes after a few moments and sometimes not at all. Should she fail to return it is not her fault, as she has probably been diverted elsewhere under orders from a superior. But this happens only once in a while, and her answer to the waiting scribe, with pencil and paper always ready is something like this: “Nothing in to-day. Good-bye.” But the reporter knows there is something doing, as he has a clipping before him describing an accident admitted jjjie night before, . :

“Just a moment, please ; ” be says, before the lady has time to ring off. “Was there a man named admitted fast night?” (< “Oh, yes,” answers tho lady. . “I thought you got that case. Just a minute until I look up the book again.” . The reporter waits,, and the wait is beginning to get wearisome. At last the voice resumes:

“Yes; are you there? Here it is: Jonathan Swoetapple, aged forty-six. single, residing at Pcncarrow avenue, was admitted to hospital last night suffering trom a eivolled head. Injuries not serious. That’s all so far to-day.” Bo endeth the first call. The second call will follow before the paper goes to press. FIRE HAZARD CALL. There is very little humor to be extracted from tho call to the fire department. Here every man is trained to such a degree that he is ready to jump to tho call of' duty at a moment’s notice. The watch room at headquarters' is inbnbita'ted day and night. A man trained in every branch of a fireman’s calling is always on duty in the watch room, and when an alarm comes in either by telephone or by the Duplex street boxes “ bis not to reason why,” but to ascertain the exact locality of the fire, switch on tho general alarm, and in a few seconds the huge shining engines are fanning tho breeze to the place whence the call came. Tho men on watch-room duty and the reporters become acquainted in time, but there is never any “back talk” over the wire; there is no time for it.

The reporter makes his first fire call about 11 a.m.

“Numbei-, please,” says- the ’Change girl again. “00,00, Fire Brigade, please.” “Engaged,” comes the answer. “Is it urgent?” “No; I will try again later on.” A few minutes later he tries again, and is connected with the simple word “Through,” from the ’Change girl. “Fire Brigade hero,” comes tho quick answer of the man on watch-room duty, and one can almost picture him as ho springs like a cat to the 'phone “Knickerbocker office here. Anything doing to-day?” The answer may bo given in the negative, or if there has been a call registered the man will reply briskly; “ We bad a call at 11.30 last night to 777 Sixth avenue, but you had better bang on until I call the deputy-superintendent. He will give you the particulars.” This officer may be in ,his quarters, or superintending some work in another part of tho station, but the man pushes several electric buttons, and in a lew seconds that officer is at the ’phono and rattling off tho particulars of that fire in quick time. He is used to it, and knows exactly what the reporter wants. Should the "fire lx: in those suburbs where there are sub-sta-tions, particulars are always given from headquarters. It is one ,of the standing orders.