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THE KAISER’S WILL

HIS DESPAIR. It is «aid by an exchange that the Emperor of Germany, recognising the hopelessness of the conflict now pending in Europe, has made a fresh will. It reads:— This is the last will and testament of me, Wilhelm, the super-swanker and ruler of the sausage-eaters, recognising that I am fairly up against it, and expecting to meet with a violent death at any minute at the hsnds of brave Johnny Hull, hereby make niy last will and testament. I appoint the Emperor of Austria to bo ray sole executor (by kind permission of the Allies). 1. I give and bequeath to France the territories of Alsace and Lorraine. (As this is only a case of returning stolen property, I don’t deserve any credit for it. and am not likely to get it either.) 2. To Servia I give Austria. 5. To Russia I give Turkey, for the Tsar’s Christmas dinner. 4. To Belgium I should like to give all the thick ears, black eyes, and broken noses that she presented me with when I politely trespassed on her property. 5. To Admiral Jellicoe 1 give all my Dreadnoughts, (submarines, itorpedo-boat destroyers, and fleet of Linkers generally —what’s left of them. He’s bound to have them in the end. so this is only anticipating events. 6. To John Bull I give what’s left of my army, as his General French seems so handy at turning*my men into sausage meat. 1 suppose he 'means to finish the job with his Kitchener, the champion German sausage cooker. 7. To the British Museum I leave my famous moustaches, souvenir of the greatest ewanker in this or any other age. 8. To Mrs Pankhurst and the wild women I leave my mailed fist. They will find it useful, no doubt, when they resume their militant tactics. 9. To Sir Ernest Shack loton I leave the Pole. I’ve been up it for so long that I regard it as my own property. (Signed) H. I. M. Wilhelm, Lord of the Land, Sea, and Air. Witnesses: Baron Von Sauerkraut (not forgetting the sausages and lager beer), Graft Von Munichlagerbicr.

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https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/ESD19141107.2.19

Bibliographic details

THE KAISER’S WILL, Issue 15644, 7 November 1914

Word Count
357

THE KAISER’S WILL Issue 15644, 7 November 1914

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