IN LIGHTER VEIN.

Evening Star, Issue 13090, 24 October 1908, Page 10

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

A Happy Afterthought.—Emily (in command) : “ Now, Mary Jane, pull up your stocking—stick yer ’at on, and—get put of the way of that ’ere motor. ” Schoolmistress: “As for you, Willy Tompkins, yours is a double offence. Why didn’t you give up your apples when the other boys did?” Willy"; “Please, I thought you only wanted enough for a pie.” Village Postmistress : “ What Ore these dashes c’ ’ Hodge : “Oh. he’ll understand tnem right enough.” “ But we can’t send them by telegraph.” “Well, they’re the price of my pigs; he’ll understand.” “ Yes. but you must put them in words, or figures, else wo can’t'send it.” “ Must I? Well, I’ll whisper it to ’e, then!” SUGGESTIVE. From a co-operative store in the North of England : Rabbits Mourning 1' f esh Wreaths Gaily. To Order. She : “ Why are artists always so careful to sign their paintings?” 'He : “To indicate which is the top and which is the bottom of the picture.” Importunate Rady (who has been subjecting the child to a running fire of questions): “Is the skin of the fox any use ?” Child ; “ Yes.” Lady : “ What for?” Child: “For keeping the fox warm, of coarse!” Mr Snoodlos : “Good afternoon, Miss Annex. Going for a walk? May I go with you?” Miss Annex: “Yes; Dr Sergeant says that we must always walk ■with an object, and I suppose you’ll answer the purpose.” “Edmund is the smartest child I ever saw, boasted the fond mouther. “He is as keen as a razor.” “ Yes,” spoke up grumpy grandpa, “ and he reminds me of a razor. “In what way?” “Why, he needs strapping.” “ I grovel here before you in the dust,” observed the impassioned youth, as he to the floor. “ I don’t know what you mean by dust,” replied she coldly; ■ after this room most carefully myself every morning.” ' A worthy old lady pffers the following advice to girls : “Whenever a fellow pops the question, don’t blush and stare at your foot. Just throw your arm around his neck, look him full in the face, and commence talking about the furniture.” Wife (examining the bill) : “Do you remember, my dear, how many fish you caught last Sunday?” Husband : “There were just twelve-all beauties. Why?” Wife : “The fish dealer has made a.mistake; he. only charges for half a dozen.” Dejected Traveller; “I say, p a t ‘j.y you ever make an idiot of yourself about a woman?” Fat: “An id jut, is it? Sure, I’vo made mesilf ail intire asylum.” 1 A melodrama of the most stirring kind was being played in a theatre in a small provincial town. In on© of the critical scenes the hero suddenly became aware of the fact that he had come upon the stage minus his dagger. Without a moment’s hesitation he made a dash, at the traitor. “ Die,, villain !” he exclaimed. “ I .meant bo strike thee with my dagger, but I left the, weapon in my dressing room, and will therefore strangle .thee in the presence of this indulgent audience.”

, A ladyteaoher'was questioning a claas •* of small hoys regarding - the . ' different methods of swimming employed byani- ’ mols. “What, do dogs swim withr’ shV asked. “ Their paws, "miss,” was the • prompt reply. “And fishes?” “Their fins, mips,” was the answer. “Quite right; iro sre getting on nicely. Now, what do Little boys swim with?” There was a pause. Then one little fellow put up his hand. “Well. Tommy, what do 0 s you say?": Bathing pants, mitsi” A newly-arrived Irishman was r -einplOyefl ■*9 drive-a tip-cart, " pne day % “bces.l’U him say .i-to a ’fcndw-laborcir v' ‘‘•Where’s me whup?” remarked scathingly • Jf; “Haven’t we fcoen in 1 this- counthry longenough to say phipj”, ■ j“* A SUITABLE EXPLANATION. * | A wealthy. Scotsman was entertaining as Montenegrin prince.. The morning afto-rv the prince’s arrival host and guest, set out? in a huge inotor car for a long| run. and \ as they whizzed past-an inti a'couple oft Highlanders rose from a bench outside and li saluted them. , • i Ihe prince seemed amazed at the High-1 land dress. • ° ■ t “Why,” he asked,-“do these men go I bare-legged?” ( ,j, ■ | “It is a local custom,” said-his host; f “ a mark of respect for your Highness, | In some places people'take off their hats | to show honor to •' Uei - e they take off their-trousers*? A CYNIC'S CATECHISM; What is creation7—-A Failure.' What is life?—A hbre. What is man?—A fraud; ,~ c ; Wliat is woman?— Both a fraud and a \ bore. -. i What is beauty?—A deception. What is love?—A disease. j What is marriage?—A mistake. i What is ii wife?—A_ trial. > What is a child?—A r.disancc. I What is a devil?—A fable. ; What is good?— Hypocrisy. ;■ What is evil?— Detection* i What is wisdom?— Bluff. j What is happiness?—A delusion. i Wliat is friendship?— Humbug. * What is generosity?—ftnbecility. ■ ! J What is money ?—Everything. And what is everything?— Nothing. THAT SETTLED IT. It was the meeting of the village cricket team, and the business before it Was the election of a captain for the coming season. 1 Of the dozen youngsters present more ' than half were candidates for the post. First one and then another rose and stated the claims and qualifications of his particular favorite. ’ - The matter was undecided when the son of the owner of the cricket field stood up. He was a small, snub-nosed lad, with a plentiful supply of freckles, but ho looked about him with a decided show of dignity and confidence. , ” l’ m going to'be captain this year,” he : said convincingly, “or else father s' old bull is going to be turned into the field.” He was elected unanimously.