THE STRANGE ADVENTURES OF LAURA DUFFER.

Evening Star, Issue 8613, 5 September 1891, Page 2 (Supplement)

THE STRANGE ADVENTURES OF LAURA DUFFER.

By a Member of the Family. [From the ' Otago Girls 1 High School Magazine.’] Chapter I. A funny little girl was Laura Duffer, the heroine of my story, I like to call her my heroine, because I am rothaUtio and sentimental ; but I question whether she was really a heroine, you know, in the same sense as Jane Eyre or Robecca Sharp. Yet heroic qualifications she undoubtedly had, such as no properly constituted heroine should be without. To begin with, she was of ancient family. Hapsburgs and Hobenzollerns are but of yesterday compared with her ancient stock ) Guelpha and Ghibellinbs are mushrooms to the Duffers. Not that Laura’s papa made much parade of his genealogical tree. It certainly hung in a conspicuous place in the Duffer entrance hall, just opposite the door-scraper, and was surmounted by a sampler, worked by an industrious ancestress, on which was represented tho Doffer arms—on the first and third quarters a plum-pudding oouohant, gules; on the second and fourth, a cuilUre regardant, verte, with a foolscap statant for crest, and underneath the motto " Doughty, aye Doughty.” But Mr Duffer, Liura'a fatber {fjuliua Duffer was h\a full name) took no trouble to trace his lineage further back than the time of tho Conqueror, when an ancestor of bis, a Norman admiral, had commanded one of William’s invading galleys —La Plomrae Deuf from which circumstance it is said, though incorrectly, by some chroniclers that the nickname of Duffer was conferred on the Admiral by Harold’s English soldiers, But anyone who takes the trouble to consult the magnificent treatise on heraldry by the great Dutch authority Salmasius Bukwurrum, D. D., will find that Duffers existed long before the acorn was dropped from which grew the oak that formed the keel of La Plomme Deuf. There is, however, better historical authority for another tradition current in Laura’s family that the town of Dufferton, in which she resided with her parents, had taken its name from the same admiral ancestor who, for eminent services rendered, had been created Reeve of the Shire and Lord of the Manor by the grateful William. So numerous were the Admiral’s descendants that almost every third person you met in the High street of Dufferton (and for the matter of that in the streets of the two neighboring Cinque ports) was either a Duffer or married to a Duffer. So you see that at any rate Laura’s blood was blue enough for a heroine of romance.

In revenge, however, I am afraid I must confess that Laura was not nearly clever enough for a true heroine. She was a simple sort of girl; indeed, some people thought her dull. But for my own part I never could think a girl dull who was so brave and so truthful as she was; for it never occurred to her that she could get out of a scrape by tolling an untruth, or gain credit by palming off work for her own which she had never done—a meanness which she had been taught to believe was a combination of stealing and lying. Further, she had very pretty ways with her; she Was always kind and considerate; she did not titter; she did not talk or laugh loud ; and she dressed well. By which last Ido not mean that she wore fine things; for though Laura’s parents were gentlefolks they were far from rich ; and there were “ young ladies ” who had six new dresses for every one of Laura’s, and wore five or six bangles on each arm, and yet who could not be said to dress nearly eo well as Laura; for she was always fresh and neat as a buttercup, wore becoming colors, and, above all, dressed as became her age, and not like a fashionable “young lady.” Laura attended tho Dufferton Girls’ High School. Where Dufferton is ? As to that, turn up a very largo Keith Johnston’s atlas, and look along longitude—l forget what longitude; but search the index and you may or may not find it. Her age ? Laura’s age ? Having no access to the school register I am not in a position to state her c go—a thing less to bo regretted because it is no business of yours to ask such questions about heroines. So much I know, that she was sometimes naughty when she was old enough to know better, Was she pretty ? Well I thought her pretty, but everyone I like I think pretty, and I liked Laura. What she was like ? I shall give you a moat particular description of Laura, for when I read, myself, about a girl I like to know exactly how she looked. I shall therefore describe her in the fullest detail. To begin with her hair. This was of a color—l have some difficulty in saying exactly what color her hair was of. It was not black, like the raven’s wing; nor blonde, like unspun flax ; nor was it

In gloss and huo the chestnut when the shell Divides threefold to show tho fruit within ; nor was it red, like the warm blush of eastern dawn; rather was it of the color —in short, it was of a color more easily imagined than described. You will understand what her eyes were like when I tell you that they exactly matched her hair; so did her complexion, only, if anything, it was a little paler. Her nose was of the true English pattern, and stood out a little from her face, between, and just a little below’, two somewhat arched eyebrows, of the same color as her hair, or it may be a shade darker ; whilst two red lips —an upper and a lower—stood midway between her nose and chin, in which latter feature the lower part of her face ended. She had a good figure, which her mother was too sensible to allow her to pinch in at the waist. He height had varied at the different periods of her life; at the time when my story opens she was not yet full grown. What size of gloves she wore I cannot say, but I know that she bad good serviceable hands of her own—not too big to be gawky, and not small enough to make her vain. Of her boots I can say nothing except that they had not high heels to them.

I think I began by saying that Laura was a funny Utile girl; but that was only a way of speaking. She was not so very little but sbo might have been less ; and as to being funny, perhaps it would have been more correct to say that she was an original girl, with characteristic tastes and distastes of her own. For instance, she was very fond of ice-cream and other delicacies, whereas she particularly disliked five-finger exercises for the left band. But perhaps the most remarkable thing about her was that sho disliked Euclid. Most girls are very fond of Euclid; but not eo Laura. There were other subjects she disliked, such as English composition, Latin, French, arithmetic, science, geography, and history, not to speak of drawing and sewing; bnt as to Euclid, that was her black beast—she could not manage it however hard she tried. Not that she ever did try very hard, but she knew that however hard she tried it would be just the same; and if she knew that, it was the same thing as if she had tried ever so hard. The more she tried the more obstinately did the angles ABC, AGB, and BAG mix themselves up in a tangle. It is needless to say that the Professor of Mathematics was often cross with Laura: that is to say he would have been cross if he ever did get cross, which however he never did. And accordingly on this very afternoon on which the strange events of my story happened Laura was in trouble ae usual for her Euclid. Laura had been asked to prove that if the equal sides of an isosceles triangle be produced the angles on the other side of the base are eqnal, not to speak of the angles on one side of the base; and as everybody knows that one pair of angles is as much as anybody can properly manage at one time, you can easily conceive the state of addle to which Laura’s brain was reduced on being required to look after two pair. The blackboard began to swim, and the figure of the Ass’s Bridge soon assumed the appearance of a very complex Oat’s Cradle. In vain Laura added this angle to that, and subtracted this from the other, and explained, as if it were, a new discovery of her own, that it was absurd to think that one angle could be greater than two others when all the while it was less than half of one .of them. All in vain; nothing would come of it but hopeless muddle; and at last Laura was told that she must give some part of her attention after school to this muchneglected subject of her school course. Now, as it happened, this was more

than usually vexations on that particular day, It was Monday, and consequently sewing day) and the weather being fine, indeed a trifle sultry, the girls had been promised that if all went.well during the day they should have the last hour of the afternoon to themselves. Laura had arranged with her three dearest friends, DoVa Hopkins, Nora Popkins, and Flora Tomkins, that they were to have a glorious set of tennis first and then finish off with a still more glorious game of fives. The games finished, she would go home and finish the reading of a fairy tale which she had begun, and which she had been obliged to leave just at the climax of the story, when the hitherto disguised Prince Feok-ov-trnbbles, throwing off bis cloak of brilliant crimson plush, cast himself at the feet of the peasant girl Darinda, and besought her to be the queen of himeelf and his kingdom. She should ride in a coach of four for the test of her days; she should dress In silk attire, and walk on nothing but three-pile carpets. At this interesting point Laura bad had to tear herself sway, and the scene bad so impressed itself on her imagination that 1 am afraid Prince Feck-ov-trubbles and Dorlnda were in some degree responsible for Laura's bad Euclid lesson.

The extra hour had been promised if ail went well. But with Laura alt had not gone well; and when school was dismissed at three she had to betake herself all alone to the large hall. All alone did I say? Yes, all alone, except for that subtle Greek gentleman, whose absence she would have preferred to his company—Euclid, the head and fountain of all her woes, So she sat down, opened her book at the proper place, leaned her bead upon her two hands, and stared at the Bridge in a state of great despondency. And indeed, dearest reader, if yon ever find yourself the sole occupant (which of coarse you never will) of a large school hall, some fifty feet by thirty feet, on a sunny half-holiday, with arrears of lessons to make up, you will find it not the most cheerful of places. To Laura the two fireplaces looked preternaturally grave and solemn, as if they thought that a girl who neglected her Euclid was in a serious stats indeed. There was an exasperating preaebiness about the tick of the clock—“ Good lack, tick tack, pat back, put back, tick tack, alack, alack ” it went on with maddening repetition until Laura, though as a rule a charitable' and forgiving girl, felt in her heart thaf she would like to commit faorologicide by oboking it off with a wet towel. On the face of the dux • board in front of her there was an undisguised sneer, intimating more plainly thus by speech how utterly preposterous it was to suppose that the name of “ Duffer ” ever could be blazoned on its honorable surface. As for the full-length portrait of the founder of the school, Sir John Dickson, that hung on the back wall, Laura did not dare to look at it, knowing too well how the eyes of the picture were looking at her with an expression more of sorrow than of auger. The busts of Cuesar Augustus and of Hebe, one on each mantelpiece, seemed heartlessly oblivious of her presence, being too busily engaged in a flirtation of glances across the doorway to have any leisure to pity the misfortunes of a mere nineteenth century girl. No, all was bare, hard, and unfeeling. Why, even the sparrows, sitting on the arch of the window under the facade peeped in only to jibe at her; whilst in an acacia at one of the windows on the other side a thrush was singing, and mocking her in so many words, for this was bis song

Come out! come out i como out I Quick with you, quick with you ! quick with you! You can’t! you cant! Oh you duffer 1 oh you duffer! oh you duffer ! Tennis, tennis, tennis, tennis ! Fives I fives ! Duffer, duffer, duffer! Come out! come out! come out! come out! and so da capo. Laura’s spirits wore very low indeed, and she was loaning her bead on her arms in utter dejection when a very extraordinary thing happened. There was a flutter in the leaves of her Euclid, as if a door had been left open and a wind were blowing in ; when, greatly to Laura’s astonishment, there bopped out on the floor before her the queerest littlp being she had ever seen in life—so queer, indeed, that had she not been restrained by a sense of politeness she would have laughed outright. Yet, odd as the little figure was, she seemed to have seen something like it before—on second thoughts, indeed, it seemed quite familiar to her. But she had not time to think or wonder much about it, for the singular being placed itself before her, removed the conical cap it wore, and, making a very low bow, said:

“ I ask your pardon Mdlle. for introducing myself but really— the force of circumstances you know, I am Signor Isosceles, master of the Revels to Her Symmetrical Majesty the Queen of Parallelogramata, and very much at your service, miss. I shall be delighted if 1 can serve you of your estimable family.” " Oh, indeed ; that is to say, I am very much beholden to you for your courtesy," said Laura, a little confused, but trying to make her speech as courtly as possible. “ I think I must have had tho pleasure of meeting yon somewhere before. Won’t you sit down?”

“You are very kind,” said the Triangle. “ No, 1 thank you, I will not sit. The fact is that my sides have been produced to such a length that these sea's are too low for me. And do you know, if 1 sit on a low eoat it hurts my angles so, you can’t think.”

“Ob, here’s the Rector’s stool,” said Laura, getting up very obligingly and fetching a high stool covered with brown leather—“ perhaps you will find that high enough, and I’m sure the Rector won’t mind ; he’s so fond of triangles you know, especially isosceles ones.” “Oh, thanks—do you know”—here the Triangle hesitated. “ No, I don’t,” said Laura,

" Quite so ; that is just what I was going to ask. I wonder will they be long ” “ Will what be long ? Yonrsides? Don’t you think they’re long enough already?!’ said Laura.

"My sides? Oh no, not my sides. As yon so accurately, and, if you will allow me to say so, perpendicularly remark, they are produced to their full length already. I was only wondering whether they would be long ? ” " They ? who ? ” asked Laura, puzzled. “ Why the Queen and Court, to be sure—the Queen of Parallelogramata, didn’t you know ? The revels are to be held here this afternoon. The Queen, with all her lords and ladies-in-waiting, will be here presently, and you’ll see them. “Oh dearl” said Laura, “and I’m not dressed. Whatever shall Ido ? If I could only wash my hands and face, and do my hair; but I can’t, I can’t.” “ Well you do look—if I may take the liberty of saying so—a little ungeometrioal, but never mind. H old yourself well up, and your arms down at the proper angle and you’ll pass for a cone or at least for a conic section. See, like this.”

Laura tried to look as like a conic section as she could, but she was greatly troubled lest she should attract attention by her very nngeometric&l appearance, She held her arms at an angle of 65 degrees, and kept asking the Triangle whether he thought that she was improving at all. But just then they heard a sound of trumpets in the corridors, the door was thrown wide open, and the Queen of Parallelogramata walked in preceded and followed by officers of her household and dignitaries of state. In a twinkling the hall was crowded with figures of all shapes dressed in every sort of costume. The Rector’s chair was placed on a raised dais and in it the Queen proceeded to enthrone herself. She was a Great Circle of very portly dimensions, with a face like a new spoon,'but of a benignant expression, as if she found pleasure only in the happiness of her subjects. Behind the throne stood the Prime Minuter, a great squareshouldered parallelogram, with an eye like Bismarck’s and a most portentous diagonal, On the Queen’s right hand was the heirapparent, a somewhat rotnad bnt ill-natured looking Small Circle, his hair bristling on the arc of his bead like porcupine quills; and bn the other side stood! the Princess Royal, a few years older than her brother, the heir-apparent—a tali and exceedingly handsome Ellipse with the dearast dimples of foci that ever wore seen, the hair radiating all round her like an aureole* “ What a dear I Z should so like to kiss her.” said Laura to herself, but ball aloud, “ Ah,” said tiie Isosceles Triangle, “you’re looking at Her Illustrious Luminosity the

Princess of Hypotenuse, this day solemnly to be betrothed to Hie Translucent Refulgence the Grand Duke Trig, nephew and heir of hie Hyperbolical Mightiness the Prince Palatine Sohlangenbaogenparallelopipedhausen.” *' Sohlangenbang I beg your pardon ?” said Laura.

" Schlangeabangenparallelopipedhausen ; but we call him Piped for short, and a rare old Tarter he Is. They do say he dines every day on young parallelograms, whom his Chief cook entraps and kills with pickled walnuts in the dungeon of the castle; but I don’t believe it.” Laura shuddered ; but her attention was arrested by overhearing a voice near her whispering to her companion : “I say, Sassy, old boy, whit lovely conic’s that you’re talking to ? Dj introduce a fellah T ”

“ I do wish, Hex,’’ replied Signor Isosceles in a tone of irritation and disgust, “ I do wish that yon would be a little less rough and ill-bred. You quite set rtiy angles on edge with yonr vulgar and slangy expressions, I shall not introduce you; it would be exceedingly improper; and I shall report you to the Queen if I. ever find yon again murdering her English.” “ What an irritable old person you are !” returned the other. “ I shall henceforth address you in Latin; Where I shall be beyond the Queen’s jurisdiction.” " Well, don’t lot me catch yon at it in English > tbal’d all, or X shall have you transported to Dunedin, where it is said that even young ladies talk slang. We’ll see how you’ll like that. Here comes your sister; if you wish to be introduced to Miss Duffer ask Miss Hedron to introduce you. ” Just at that moment a strangely-shaped figure such as Laura had never seen before came up chattering and smiling, and shook bands with Signor Isosceles. Laura thought she looked good-natured; but there was something in her manner and in her style of talk that grated upon her. “How do you do. Miss Poly?” said Signor Isosceles, addressing her. “Al'ow me to make known to you my fi lend, Miss Duffer. Miss Duffer, Miss Poly Hedron; Miss Hedron, Miss Laura Duffer. ” “How do do?” said Miss Poly la what seemed to Lavra an affected tone of voice, and with an unnecessary simper. “So awfully glad to meet you. Though I’ve never met you before, Mies Duffer, I know a good many of yonr family, as who doesn’t. We’re a pretty large family ourselves, and a queer lot you’ll think us—so angular, you know. Of course you know my godfather, Sir James Hector. I’ve just returned from the Dunedin Exhibition ; my god papa insisted on my travelling, to see if I couldn’t mb off a few of my angles. But It was no good. Here I am, and they stick out just as much as ever. I’m the eldest. Do you know my sisters? Look, there’s Dodeca over there; that’s her—never mind grammar—talking to that old frump of an angle, the Queen’s fourth woman •in • waiting. Horrid old thing ! measures 120 degrees If she’s a second. Icosa, poor thing, hardly counts ; she’s so rarely seen nowadays, you know, since she retired into a nunnery, but you’ll probably make the acquaintance of my younger sisters, Hepta, Penta, Tetra, and Di, and you’ll like Di best—she’s such a simple little thing. Ah, there’s my brother Hex. He’s the only boy of the family, you know, and so spoilt. We all laugh at Hex, bethinks himself so knobby.” Laura thought if Hex were more knobby than his sister Poly be must be knobby indeed, for she was all over knobs; but there was no time to say anything, for at that moment Hex came up to be introduced, simpering in the most fascinating way, with an eye-glass stuck on one of his angles. Tbo necessary forms having been gone through, Laura, feeling bound to say something, opened the conversation with a remark upon the weather, which she hoped suited his angles. “ Non ad omne,” said Hexa Hedron. Laura was not a linguist. Her French was bad, and her Latin was worse. She bad therefore to think a little what Mr Hedron meant. Then she hazarded the remark that she was extremely sorry to hear it. “ Did he like dancing, perhaps ?” “Gott bewahr ! potztausend ! donnerwetter!” said Hex.

This was far from encouraging. Laura was growing bewildered and desperate. She tried, however, to look as if she understood, nodded her head expressively, and proceeded to say that the Princess Hypotenusa looked charming to-night. “ Bene satis,” answered Hex. “ Eat bonum genus puellas, sed non pannus super vobis. Dico, soitis, estis laterculus. Per Jovem ! qualis tumor estis,” Poor Laura did not understand a single word of all this, but she thought Mr Hex Iledron looked very ugly and impertinent, and she was growing more and more confused. At last she said :

“ I’m afraid I'm a dunce at languages. I never could learn them, somehow; but if you would confine yourself to one, and speak it very slowly, and spell a word now and then, and sometimes give me the declension, perhaps 1 could manage to understand you. 1 suppose now you know heaps of languages.” “ Mais certainement, gewiss, aicuramente —sorter,” replied Hex. “Ah, then, perhaps you speak English ?” said Laura.

‘ Of course I do," said he. “Why didn’t you ask me before ? That is to say, I always speak it after five-and-twenty minutes to 4 p.m. It still wants one minute and twenty five seconds of that time, but as a particular favor I don’t mind making an exception just for this once.” “That is so kind of you," said Laura, feeling really grateful. “ Well, why don’t you go on ? ” said he. “But here’s that horrid old gossip the Duchess Dowager of Analysis Sententiarum, so I’m off. I can’t bear her incessant tingle, tingle, tingle, clatter, clatter." With this he went away, much to Laura’s relief, who was beginning to feel the strain of the conversation, and presently she was aware of a fussy little being, all frills and furbelows, advancing towards her, shaking out her flounces and pruning her curls, as if each little tag and ribbon were of the first importance. What she said and did must be told in another chapter. (To be continued.)