WIT AND HUMOR.

Evening Star, Issue 7403, 24 December 1887, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOR.

Young artist: " Well, Charley, what do you think I ought to get for this painting ?" Charley : " Six months." " Have you weak eyes ?" said a lady to an applicant for a kitchen position who wore blue spectacles. "No, ma'am," said the applicant; " but I scour pots and things so> thoroughly that the glitter of them hurts my sight/' A clergyman says:—" I once married a handsome young couple, and, as I took the bride by the hand at the close of the ceremony and gave her my warmest congratulations, she tossed her pretty face, and pointing to the bridegroom, replied—*l think he is the one to be congratulated.'" According to Mr Bosworth Smith, at Toynbee Hall, the Bedouins used to have a proverb which said—" The best son-in-law is the grave." Here one has a beautiful example of the different views of things in general taken by Oriental and European respectively. Western civilisation would !>rot>ably have said—" The best mother-in-aw is the grave." No man can go into bad company without suffering for it. The homely old proverb haß it very tersely: " A man can't bite the , bottom out of a frying-pan without smutting his nose."

Drawing-room car. First porter (in a hurry): " Another washont!" Second porter (excitedly): " Where, where!" First porter (as he disappears through the next car): "On the clothes-line 1"

"My friends," said a temperance lecturer, lowering his voice to an impressive whisper, "if all the grog-shops were at the bottom of the sea, what would be the result!'' And the answer came "Lots of people would get drowned."

Between the acts. She (reproachfully): " Edward, you've been drinking." He: " Only a glass of milk, my dear." She: "But your breath smells horribly of whisky." He (with concern): "Is that so? The cow must have been fed on distillery slops."

A young townsman who had fallen in love with a country girl went to her father, a blunt old farmer, and, with a polite flourish, said: " Sir, I have come to ask for the hand of your daughter ia marriage." The old man, looking at him in surprise, responded: "Her hand—only her hand I Why don't you ask for the gal ?" Jack : " Ethel, lam ashamed of you. I saw that Frenchman in the conservatory kissingyou repeatedly. Why didn't you tell him to stop ?" Ethel: " I couldn't, Jack." Jack: "Youcouldnt! Why not? Ethel: " I can't speak French." Lovers are prone to self-depreciation. Said he, tenderly, as they sat looking at the stars: "I do not understand what you can see in me that you love me." " That's what everybody says!" gurgled the ingenious ma ; den. Then the silence became so deep that you could hear the stars twinkling. " John, I wish you would rock the baby." "Why should I rock the baby ? " •■ Because he is not very well. And what's more, half of him belongs to you, and you should not object to rock him." "Well, doesn't half belong to you ?" "Yes." "Well, you can rock your half, and let my half go on crying." The Consistent Husband.—" Women," said Mr Seacook to his wife, " do not seem to appreciate the fact that life is serious, but spend their time in frivolity. Just this afternoon I saw you with half-a-dozen women standing in front of a millinery store for an hour looking at some fool bonnets and things. All that time was wasted, my dear." " Where were you all that time!" "Why, I was watching a fellow at the corner who put a lot of cotton in his mouth and blew out fire. Most amusing thing I ever saw." Six Months after Marriage.—She: " Why do you look so unhappy, George! Don't you know we arc one now!" He: " Yeß, I've heard that before, but when it comes to paying the weekly board bill the landlord don't seem to think so. One beggar was coming out of a house, when another met him at the garden gate and asked how the chances were. "Itis not worth while knocking here," was the answer. " The people are not up to much. I have just had a peep through the window, and saw two ladies playing on one piano." Two business men were talking the other day about the inefficiency of their assistants. One expressed himself very warmly on the subject. The other quieted him by saying: " Wait a minute. Did it ever occur to you that if those people were as smart as we are they would not be our assistants!" " Your papa and mamma know what's best for you, Bobby," said his mother; "don'ttease me any more." Bobby lay down on tho rug and rolled over once or twice. Then he eaid, from his recumbent position : " Ma, do you know that I feel like being an orphan ?"