WIT AND HUMOR.

Evening Star, Issue 5589, 5 February 1881, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOR.

A pcet asks : " Hits yoa lived the &OBf s you sir.g, love?" If he sings "We won'c go home till morsing," Be doubt he k«s livid at least one of thsm.

Ms Flaindame, after loeking long and thrughtfally at a plaster aast of Shake&peare, remarked :: " Poer man; how pale he wat I He couldn't have been well when it waa tsken."

Elderly Lady (to shoemaker): "It's not so much a durable article (bat I require, Mr Crispin. I wan* something dainty, yon know—Bomeihhag ooy, aad at the same tine just A wee bit a»«oy." A longjwindod lawyer lately defended a criminal antaeeewraliyy.acd daring the trial the judge re«*iTed the following note : " Th« prisoner humbly praya that the time occupied by the ple*.ef the counsel for the defence be eonnted in hit lentence." Woman reeesables ammunition. She aeeds powder belorethe Ball. Litt>e Jf mm has a sitter, a year married. Last week this sister became the mother of a pretty babe.. " Look, mademoiselle,"said the nurse, showiag the- new-born to its little aunt. " Isn't it the prettiest delly you erer saw * " Jeanne danoed delight. Then the approached te take it from the nurse's »rms. A cry of disgust arose. "Pooh!" ecreamed J«a*oe, " It's nothing but a mea*; baby." I* was in a Bowery opara-house. The two gentletr.ea were from the country. After the curtain fell on the first act, one of them, who had been reading the programme, said in an ewirrl I©, 1 ©, just got up to take in strangers." " What's a swindle?" "Here it says the next act ia two years later. I wonder if they think we are geisg to stay in New York, at two dollars a day for two years, j tist to see this thing; out ? " They went out aud saw the ticket-man stout it.

A Gflvdßton gentleman has bten sick fix some time, but finally recovered enough to take a ride along the beach in a hired hack. The hack-driver waa very accommodating •nd attentive, and wh*n the invalid was helped cut he expressed his appreciation of Jefcu's aervic-s, remarking that h* would need him again. " Yes, yon look like you would need me once more; but you ought to mention my nwna to tha undertaker at once, and not pa't it off till tie very last moment," wrb the cheerful response of the driver, who had aa eye to business. " Don't c*U me boy !" said an indignant ycuth ; "I've emoked a pipe these aix years !" "Can a clergyman marry himself ?" asks an exchange. We nappose he can, bat we are afraid ho would not be a happy couple. Said Uncle Thomas to his nephew, whom he wished to see wedded : "John, whom do you love best —Alice-, who is pretty though poor, or Jane, who is rich but ugly ?" The nephew replied, with a sigh, " I iova Alice, but I prefer Jane." A geatleman at a hotel spilt some milk cat his cjat, and wondered ;f it would leave a grease-spot. " (Jreite-spot," queried the fellow-bcardor just opposite—" greate-ipot £ Well, I: should eay no. Rather look for chalk marks whoa it dries up." Tie- Betrothed.—Eider Sister: ""Sba should makot-frionds again. It is absurd fonan engaged pair to quarrel." Laura r " Wellj.then let Eigsr say the first word."" Edgar (with a lively recollection of- the. recent tiff):: " ¥es, so long as you hava-fch* donlfc eare." To.make a. good dividend.—Take a slic» of the capital; as much as may be required.. Baste it with, the revenue derived from tk& traffic; Carefully separate the expense* feeaa the income and throw the former asidei Garnish with assurances that the 3rosp*etai of the liae are first-rate, and that the- dividends of next yssr will be greatcsy than the present j and serve up hot and strong as she naUKyearly meeting. A Suggestion for ImpecunJ,p;u» Ifarfeiee.— Old coaotry woman (to squire's, amall daughter, who has brought awmessag* from tbo hall) : " Thank yewr paqa, naias, a»' roJght glad I am fur I cam!t aaiike-b©*h ends meet now." Squire's small) daughter (innceeatly): "Then why don't, yout Make one end vegetables, Mrs Hoggins During the last session .oftthe Cbart at , Wisconsin, Lawyer Blank* had been trying for two long hours te-ic%premupon the minda of the jury the facts, of the, «*se. Hearing the dinner-bell, he tprned to tfca judge, and said " Had we better, ad jpa*a for dinner, or shall I keep right on ?>"' Weary and disgusted, His Hrapi replied "Oh, you ktep right on, and «*.- will g> to dinter."— ' Harper.' The Rev. Ifa B—,. cf P , I Hnoia^ when preaching his indwell sermon to people, pointed out to them the kind. c£ preacher ihey shptfcld get as his and havirg. obtained aneh a one urged >hem to keep \}m. He said " You have been given to keep jo»r paators loeg ; n*°ver b%i a pastor die among you, i&pr do I think y*u »wr will, unl«a he «trx»k by lightning while on tb%w.ing."— • Harper.*'