Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXXII, Issue 89, 11 October 1941, Page 15

Wit and Humour

An admiral—and a stickler for uniform—stopped opposite a very portly sailor whose medal ribbon, was an inch or so too low. Fixing the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that medal for eating, my man?" "No, sir." "Then why the deuce do you wear it on your stomach?" A friend called upon a guest at a hotel, knocked, and asked him to open the door. "Can't; door's locked," the voice i within announced. ! "Well, unlock it!" I "Can't; have no key." I "Great scot, man! What will you do if there's a fire?" • "I can't go!"

The film star was an inveterate practical joker. At his Hollywood home he had an electric chair—disguised as an ordinary upholstered one. As soon as a guest had relaxed in it the actor would press a button and the guest would leap high in the air, tingling with the shock. One day a pretty girl came to interview him. She sat in the electric chair, and the film star could not resist pressing the button. Nothing happened. The girl sat there with shining eyes, conversing animatedly. Finally the actor asked: "Don't you feel rather strange?" The girl replied: "Oh, yes—just as if electricity were flowing through me— but I always feel like that -\vheh I'm talking to film stars, they're so magnetic."

Two sweet young things were chatting as they removed their make-up after the show. "Dick proposed last night," remarked one, "and Ive accepted him." ; ■ "Re*lly?" replied the second, acidly. "I suppose he didn't happen to mention that he had previously proposed "Weil, not exactly," replied the first, blandly, "but he did confess that he'd done a lot of silly things before he met me."

"My country," said the Italian general, as he handed over 40 tanks, 20 guns, and 3000 rifles, "has become the arsenal of the democracies."

"This is Matilda, Father, and she's a bit tired of jokes about waltzing."

Hitler looted Michelangelo's "Moses" from the Louvre and carried it off to Berchtesgaden. When asked by his associates why he had stolen this particular treasure, he replied:

"Oh, it's a great piece of art, you know."

But one of the Gestapo, spying on the boss, has reported another explanation. He saw the Fuhrer on his knees before the great Jew and he was saying: "Dear Moses, tell us how to get across that strip of water!"

Old Lady (to little Cockney evacuee): What is your name, sonny?. "Septimus Fitzgerald Nebuchadnezzar Tweet." "Good gracious' me, whoever gave you that name?" "I don't know; but when I find out, they're going to suffer for it."

Two Germans met in Paris. Carl said to Fritz: "Have you a good job here?" "Yes, I have a very good job. I sit on the Eiffel Tower and watch for the English to wave the white flag," said Fritz. "Is it good pay?" asked CarL "Not much," Fritz answered, "but it's for life."

A Scotswoman engaged a Highland boy as a page, and gave him a livery on condition that he would wear it only on special occasions. One day, in their London house, a company of callers arrived unexpectedly. The small boy was not sure what to do, but.he came in amid the company and said to his mistress in a loud whisper that all could hear: "Please, ma'am, wull I put on your breeks or my am?"

A business man who had been prevailed upon to accompany a friend on a bear hunt had concealed his nervousness manfully, although his first night in camp in the mountain fastness was a sleepless one. Starting forth in the morning, the two had walked but a short distance when they came upon fresh tracks which the enthusiastic sportsman identified as being those of a large bear. "Tell you what we had better do," said the business man brightly. "You go ahead and see where he went, and I'll go back to see where he came from!"