Wit and Homour

Evening Post, Volume CXXXI, Issue 39, 15 February 1941, Page 19

Wit and Homour

"Dear Dad, —Wish you had come to the school concert. We did 'Hamlet.' A lot of fathers and mothers came. Some of them had seen it before, but they laughed just the same." "So" you won the Distinguished Service Cross for conspicuous bravery in extreme danger. Didn't you feel shaky?" "Not until I lined up for the general to pin it on me." "Tommy," said the teacher, "can youquote a famous African proverb?" ~ After a moment's desperate thought, Tommy replied. "Yes, sir," he said brightly. "The darkey's hour is just before the dawn." A young and nervous clergyman was about to preach his first sermon. He stood in the vestry fingering his collar and wondering if his hair was tidy. He noticed there was no mirror on the wall. "Could you get me a glass?" he whispered to the verger. "I'll do my best," said the verger. The clergyman waited patiently. Presently the verger returned with something concealed under his coat. All the choirboys watched the scene with interest. "I managed to get a whole bottle by saying it, was for you," the verger said proudly—and produced a bottle of beer. The new vicar was calling on one of his parishioners. "I hear," he said, "that you have a son in the film business at Hollywood." "That I have," replied the .woman proudly. "He's been there years, and he comes back to see me regularly every summer. "And brings his wife with him, I expect." - "That is so, sir, and they've been five smart and pretty girls, too!" The pretty girl in the knife-throwing, act on the fair ground was ill, and her mother, rotund and blowsy, was taking her place. The noises off-stage grew to a thunderous roar as the knifethrower took aim and threw the blade. Then all wa still. "Blimey!" exclaimed an incredulous voice, "he's gone and missed her!" Exercise kills' germs—but how do you get the germs to exercise? HIS BUSINESS. "What do you do when all the world is grey and gloomy?" - "I deliver the milk." - GOOD BEGINNING. Youthful father: Our baby is beginning to recite "Baa, baa, black sheep, have ydu any wool?" Neighbour: And he's only eight months old? Father: Well, he doesn't say all of it yet, but he's got as far as the "Baa, baa," ; . - TWO! / » An elderly lady living in the country had a son in the Navy. On one of her rare visits to a neighbouring town she saw a sailor. Trembling with excitement she asked him if he knew her boy. She told him his name. "Well, what ship is he on?" asked the sailor. "What ship?" exclaimed the old lady. "Are there two?" An. enemy bomb fell close to the cottage of an old woman who lived by herself., The bomb did not explode, and A.R.P. wardens went to tell her she must leave the cottage. "Oh, aye," she said. "Will you tell me why?" "Hitler's dropped a time-bomb outside your doorway," replied a wit among the wardens. "It may go off any minute and blow you up." "Well, look you here," said the old woman. "I've refused to leave this hous% for t'landlord; I've refused to leave!for t'bailiffs; and I'll be hanged if I'll leave it for Hitler." Mistress: And how long did you stay at your last situation? New Cook: A month, mum. 'Ow long did your last cook stick it 'ere? Doctor; I don't like the look of your wife. Husband: Neither do I, doc, but she's a good mother to the children. ON THE WAY. Mistress (to cook at 5.45 p.m.): I know it's the thjrd time this week, Mary, but my husband just phoned and he's bringing three men to dinner. How long Will you need to get ready? Mary: I'm ready now. I packed my trunk the last time it happened. MAKES A DIFFERENCE. Teacher: What is half of eight, John? John: Which way, Teacher? Teacher: What do you mean, which way? ' John: On top or sideways? Teacher (bewildered): What difference does it make? John: Well, half of the top eight is zero; but half of the eight sideways is three. • PROPHETIC! A Spanish journalist at Burgos submits an article to the censor. One passage in particular worries the official. "I will refer it to my superiors," he says. And he telephones: "Hullo? Rome?" A voice answers him: "Ja." A private in a Scottish regiment went off to France armed, with everything the country could give him "to make him a good soldier—plus an accordion slung over his. shoulder. He returned from Dunkirk in his bare feet and with only a pair of trousers and a shirt left of his fine equipment—but still plus the accordion slung over his shoulder. "You've lost your rifle and your kit at Dunkirk," sneered a sergeant, "but you saved your bloomin'. melodeon." "I should think so," replied the soldier. "I'm still paying the instalments on it!" The skipper of a tramp steamer, in writing up the log recording an eventful day, rounded off his task with the entry, "Mate intoxicated." To the mate, who indignantly protested on reading it, the skipper retorted, "Well, it's true, ain't it?"' On the following day it was the mate's duty to write up the log, and he completed his account with "Skipper sober." The captain stared at it for a moment then exploded. "Well, it's true, ain't it?" .was the mate's xeJoindeu.

At a race meeting a Jewish sportsman had won a bet on a five-to-one chance. When the man with the satchel handed him six five-pound notes, representing his stake and winnings, the recipient /blocked the line by" stopping till he coumed the money and examined every note carefully. "What's the matter?" asked the bookie resentfully. "Fraid I'd cheat you?" "No,"' replied the other, still scrutiniising the notes. "I only vanted to make sure the yon I gave you yasn't among 'em." TIT FOR TAT. A lady was training her Chinese servant, to answer the door bell. She went outside, rang the bell, and the servant answered the rdoor. The next day she .was worried by a continual ringing of the bell. At last .when no cone .answered 'the cdoor, she opened it herself and found her servant on the step. - : "Whatever rare you 'dojng, Li?" she asked. "Yesterday you 'foolee .me, now I foolee you," was the reply.j .'_ __■. J TELLING.HIM.. . . ... ] A!t target practice" of a company of Home Guard ifheS captain swaggered up to the latest recruit and proceeded ;to give some instructions about his gun. "See here, my man, this thing ;is a rifle. Here is the barrel. There's the stock. You slip the cartridge In there. Now you put the weapon to your shoulder. These little things on the barrel are the sights. When you haye1 taken accurate, aim, pull this little thing, which is the trigger. Now remember what I have, told you. Smarten up and look more like a soldier. By the way, what is your business? A clerk, I suppose?" "No, sir," was the reply. "I'm a gunsmith." - Actor: I can't possibly take the three parts you've given me. Stage Manager: Why? Actor: Well, in the first scene! have to fight with myself and then dash in and separate the two of usl A CLUE. Dad: Do you know what has happened to my shaving brush? I can't find it. - Tommy: No; but Johnny's wooden horse has.a new tail. HOPELESS. She was his maiden aunt, and her young and bright days were a long way behind her. She had come to live with him, and although he expected to find her a trial in some ways, lie did not anticipate the vigorous opposition with which she greeted his suggestion that it would be a goad idea to install a telephone. "John," she. said, "I shall die" of fright if you bring one of those awful things here. We shall have the house blown down as sure as anything." "But," protested John, "it's safe enough. There's nothing whatever " "You needn't tell me that," interrupted the old lady; "look at the thousands of poor, innocent Indians it killed last year." "Oh, but that was a typhoon, aunt, not a telephone!" ' She looked at him sternly for a moment. Then: "I may not have been to school as recently as you, John," she remarked, "but at least I do know that the typhoon is the Emperor of Japan." Then John gave it up. CAUTION. The hotel manager was passing down the passage one-morning when he saw the Boots kndeling at one of the bedroom doors cleaning a pair of shoes. "What are you doing?" .he asked. "Take them down to the basement at once and clean them there." "Impossible, sir," replied the Boots; "there's a Scottish gentleman inside the room, and he's hanging on to the laces." Two young men were touring part of Ireland in a car. The vehicle broke down, in the most lonely spot imaginable. After tinkering about with the thing for some time, they decided to leave it and try to find somewhere to sleep for the night. They walked some miles and at last came upon a cottage of the poorest type. Pigs and chickens were sharing the only room with the inmates of the cottage, and the muddle was indescribable. But as there seemed no prospect of finding anywhere else to rest their weary selves, the young men asked if they could spend the night there. The cottagers agreed, and the travellers came in. Inside they saw a large double bed in one corner of the room and a pile of sacks in another. They rather wondered where they were going to sleep, as the family in the cottage consisted of a man and wife and two children. Early in the evening the two children were put to sleep in the bed. The young men looked glum, as they didn't fancy the corner to sleep in. However, when they announced that they were ready to sleep, the man and his wife lifted the sleeping children and put them on the sacks in the corner and told their visitors to get into the bed. The young men did so, and in spite of everything, slept well. In the morning, when they awakened, they found that they also were on the sacks, and the man and wife in the bed! CONDENSED. 7 Visitor: What are the twins called? Mother: Henrietta. Visitor: Not both the same name? Mother: Certainly not. One Henry and the other Etta. COMPLIMENT? A lady had been looking for a friend for a long time without success. Finally, sho came upon her in an unexpected way "Well," she exclaimed, "I've been on a perfect wild goose chase all day long, but thank goodness, I've found you at last!" TOO FAST! Twin brother and sister, six-year-olds and very lively, had been billeted on Mrs. Robinson, and they kepi her busy. "Now, look here, you two," she exclaimed one day, "I've"told you you mustn't race through the house like that again and you've disobeyed me. You must sit in the corner until I give you permission to move." Half an hour later Mr. Robinson came home from work and looked at the youngsters in surprise. "Why are you two so quiet?" he asked. "We've been arrested for speedingl" replied the, small girl promptly