WIT and HUMOUR

Evening Post, Volume CXXX, Issue 150, 21 December 1940, Page 21

WIT and HUMOUR

A plumber joined the Army and went in for his trade test. He was asked to make a joint in a lead pipe. When it was finished the officer put on his papers, "Joint very neatly done." Three weeks later the plumber found himself head cook of the officers' mess. "Germany rules the waves," claims Goering. Perhaps he meant waives the rules. The Home Guard, we read, has three roles. The Army, of course, has only one—Role out the Barrel. "Sir, I want a job as your chauffeur." "You'd better see my wife." "I've already seen her. That's why I want the job." Vicar (presiding at a village concert): I shall not allow this concert to proceed until I know who called the last singer a "blithering idiot." Voice (after a long pause): 'Taint no use, vicar. We ain't botherin' abaht who called the singer a blitherin' idiot, but who called the blitherin' idiot a singer. The constable called at a villa and rang the bell. Inside the house the piano playing ceased and a rather scared-looking young woman appeared at the door and asked: "Yes, what do you want?" "Well, miss," said the constable, "we've just 'ad a telephone call to say that there's a fellow called Mozart being murdered in this 'ere 'ouse." A butcher had a note delivered to him by a small girl. It read: Dear Sir, —Will you give my little girl a piece of sirloin, about 31b. I'm sorry I can't come myself as I'm in bed with my youngest child and lib of dripping. "Are you an art connoisseur?" "Yes," replied Mr. Cumrox; "although I should never speak of myself as such." "Why not?" "Because I'm not absolutely sure I know how to pronounce the word." Two cowboys in the wild and woolly West met after a„long period apart, i "Well," said the first, "so old Jack's gone to his rest. Did you miss him?" "No," replied the other cowboy. "That's why he's gone; I never miss." Jane: I should feel extremely obliged, mem, if you would do me a little, favour. Mistress (who knows the value of even an inferior servant): Well, Jane, what is it? Jane: I hardly know what to say, mem. Mistress: Well, of course, I cannot comply until I know what it is. Jane: Well, mem, my young man is at the back door, and I thought perhaps you would be so kind as to speak with him for a few minutes while I run upstairs and make myself presentable. An American was showing a friend the sights. He finished the tour by taking him to Niagara Falls. "Here you are, Niagara Falls," the American said. His friend seemed unimpressed. "Well?" he said. "Don't you think its marvellous?" asked the American. "What?" "All that water cascading down from such a huge height." "Well, what's to stop it?" An income tax collector had died, and a subscription was raised in a city offl.ce for a wreath. The chief promised five shillings. A few days later one of the clerks called to collect the money, and the chief handed him a ten-shilling note. "You want five shillings change, sir," said the clerk. "No," growled the other: "keep it and bury another." A woman was trying frantically to find a seat in a train. "Come with me," said a helpful porter, "and I'll fix you up at the end of the tram." "Indeed you will not!" she retorted. I may not be an oil painting, but Im certainly no mascot!" An English parson comes regularly every summer to Troon for a golfing holiday, and year after year a typical old Scots caddie named "Auld Geordie" claimed, and was allowed the privilege of carrying his clubs in all his matches. When the parson appeared on the tee on the occasion of his last visit, however, he saw his clubs were in charge.of a young man who greeted him with the remark: "Yell be missin' 'Auld Geordie.' sir!" "Yes, I was. What's come over him?" "Aw! Yell never see 'am again; he's in Heaven!" A class at Rawden County School, England, was' given this question to answer: "Who do you think will win the war, and why?" One youngster wrote this answer: "England is the Motherland and Germany is the Fatherland. When mother and father quarrel, mother always wins. England will win." "Henry," said Mrs. Glipping, in one of her tearful moods, "if I were to die would you mourn for me?" "Certainly I would, my dear," replied Mr. Glipping, as he scanned the financial page. "And would you vi?it my grave sometimes?" "Of course. Why do you ask such a foolish question? You know the cemetery is on the way to the golf links!" . Jones: Very polished woman, Mrs. ; Brown, don't you think? Smith: Yes, very polished indeed. Everything she says casts a reflection on someone. I As an economy measure the newspaper street-sellers in England are writing their own placards. The cockney is world-famed for his sense of humour and examples are occurring daily. When the Italian Fleet, or rather units of it, met the British soon j after their entry into the war, they quickly ran for port without risking an engagement. When the papers reported the incident one of the venders had written his placard thus: "Italy Wins the Boat Race!" "Miss Jones, take a letter." "Yes, sir. Who to?" . . .. I "I can't tell you—it's confidential."

Certain Messerschmitt squadrons | have been given yellow, orange, and I red noses. The R.A.F. is giving themj all a black eye. The recruit was a simple-looking lad from the country, so the sergeant thought he would pull his leg. I "Here, my lad." he said, "let's see i how far you can climb up that search-; light." ! "Oh, you can't catch me," said the recruit, "I know that trick. As soon as I get half-way up you'll turn out] the light!" "This cheese is so strong," said the new resident at the boarding-house, "that I believe it could walk over and say 'Hello' to the coffee." "Perhaps so," replied the man who had lived at the boarding-house for a, long time, "but the coffee in too weak to answer back." Many a man looks down at the heel, just because there's a trim ankle above it! Ministry Official: There's the siren. Quick—drop work everybody; get down to the shelters. . Typist: Can't I finish this draft circular first, sir? Official: No, no. Get below at once. . . . What's the circular. Typist: It's the appeal to employers not to cease work when the siren sounds. "Will you have a cup of tea, uncle?" "Na' tea!" "A cup of coffee?" "Na' coffee!" "A whisky and soda? "Na' soda!" First Golfer: It's pretty hopeless looking for a ball in that patch. I'm afraid you'll have to drop one over your shoulder. Second Ditto: I have. That's the one I'm looking for. THERE'S A LIMIT. Doctor, giving first-aid lecture, asked a pupil what he would do if he rescued a man from drowning. "Lay him on his chest for artificial restoration. "Suppose he had broken a rib? "Turn him on his back and apply Sylvester's method with his arms." "Suppose his arm was broken? "Throw him back and let someone else find him!" ASTOUNDED. The singer had just concluded his performance. Tlie applause was slight. "Extraordinary! Remarkable!" loudly exclaimed a member of the audience. "Pardon me, sir," a puzzled man sitting in the next seat remarked: "You astonish me! I've always claimed some knowledge of the subject and am of the opinion that the performer's voice is extremely poor." "Voice?" queried the other. "I wasn?t thinking of his voice! I meant the fellow's colossal nerve." NOW IT IS. "How did you come to write a poem on the back of a Government bond?" "I was tired of hearing folks say that my stuff wasn't worth the paper it was written on!" TACTFUL COURSE. Mrs. Freshwed: You must not expect me to give up my girlhood ways Elll ctt OHCCS. Mr. Freshwed: Certainly not, my dear. Go on taking an allowance from your father as if nothing had happened. HOSPITALITY. The scene was the officers' mess. A captain, newly transferred from another unit, strolled in. His fame had gone before him and it was common knowledge that in civilian life he was a very worthy member of the community. "Have a drink?" Another captain was prompt in offering hospitality. And then on second thought, "Oh, I'm sorry; of course, I forgot. You were the president of the local temperance society, weren't you?" "No, no," replied the newcomer. "That's all right. It was the morality commission of which I was president." "Oh," said the other. "I knew there was something you didn't do." NOT WHAT HE MEANT. The new assistant in the ironmonger's shop was- willing and enthusiastic. When he was allowed to dress the window for the first time he determined to demonstrate his keenness by writing attractive showcards drawing attention to the wares. When the boss returned from his lunch, he found a giggling crowd outside his window. He pushed his way forward to be confronted by a tastefully-written card which stated, "We have all kinds of vices." NOW IT'S QUIET. "I bought a new car and exchanged my radio as first payment." "I didn't know they accepted radios as payment on r.jw cars." "They don't as a rule, but the salesman is a neighbour of mine." THAT MIDDLE-AGED SPREAD. Unshrinkable wool will save much waste of clothing, say the experts. Science is now concentrating on developing an unexpandable wearer. TRANSFERRED. Little Tommy Jones was trudging along dejectedly in the grip of a policeman. In his arms he carried a football. There had been a window broken. Several of his pals stood on the street corner. He decided to keep a stiff upper lip while passing them. "What did you do, Tommy?" asked his pals. "Nuthin'," he replied. "They've just asked me to play for the police." OPPORTUNITY. Male Voice (over the telephone): Mabel, may I come over tonight? Female Voice: Sure. Bill, come on over. Male Voice: Why, this isn't Bill. Female Voice: This isn't Mabel, either. But come on over. CHARGES. Policeman: You're under arrest." Dancer: My goodness! Policeman: Naw! Your naughtiness! . Worry never helped anyone—except a competitor.

A very tipsy fellow was giving an oration on a soap box in Hyde Park. He kept saying over and over again, "I would rather work for Hitler than for Churchill." He said it so often that even tolerant Londoners began to get annoyed, and a bobby came up and said: "Here, buddy, you'd better shut up. Don't keep saying that you would rather work for Hitler than .Churchill." "Yes, I would," insisted the man. "You see, I'm an undertaker." "In looking over the records of the past year, it must be admitted that few businesses have had a more difficult time than the map-publishers." Fashions change so. A well-known crooner, states an American paper, started his career as a newsboy. This, I am afraid, will make many people less polite to their newsboys. "Mon, it was a terrible accident," said the Aberdonian, describing the overturning of his car; "but none of us was even hurt, and I shouldn't have got a penny piece from the insurance company if I hadn't the presence of mind to kick my wife in the face. She didn't mind; she's a business woman. Two recruits, walking back to camp, met an old farmer with an empty hay wagon. "Jump up, lads," he said "I'll gie yo' a lift." Thankfully they accepted' the invitation. After a mile or two, on coming to a steep hill the farmer halted his horse and cried out, "Now then, yo' chaps, yo'll have to get out and walk up t' hill." Then quickly, in an undertone, he said: "Stop wheer yo' are, chaps. Ah'm nobbut kiddm. t' hoss. Oo on, Dobbin; they're out. The worried countenance of the bridegroom disturbed the best man. Tip-toeing up the aisle, he whispered: "What's the matter, Jock? Hae ye lost the ring?" "No," blurted out the unhappy Jock, "the ring's safe eno', but, mon, Ive lost ma enthusiasm." Old Farmer (to soldier son just returned from the front): Well, Dick, what be these tanks like that there s so much talk about? Son: Why, they're just wobbling thingamabobs, full o' what-you-may-call-'ems, and they blaze away like billyo! , „ Old Farmer: Ay, I heard they was wonderful things, but I never could get any details afore. The minister's wife, while calling on a member of the congregation, mentioned with excusable pride that her daughter had won the prize in a music festival. Her listener at once showed her fel-low-feeling. "I can understand your pride,' she said. "I well remember how pleased I was when our pig took first prize at the agricultural show." "I must find another tailor. This one reads too much." "Reads too much?" "Yes, every letter he writes to me begins, 'On going through my books . . . '!" The leader of the Auxiliary Fire Service called at the house across the way. "Pardon me, but are you the lady who was singing?" "Yes, I was singing. Why?" "Well, lay off the top notes, please. We've had the bloomin' fire engine out twice!" The doctor rushed out of his study. "Get my bag at once!" he shouted. "Why, dad," asked his daughter, "what's the matter?" "Some fellow just 'phoned he can't live without me!" gasped the doctor, reaching for his hat. His daughter breathed a sigh of relief. "Just a moment," she said quietly. "I think that call was for me!" An old gentleman saw a little boy carrying an open umbrella in the street, and said to him: — "Why are you carrying that umbrella, my boy? It is not raining, and the sun-is not shining." "Well," replied the boy, "when it is raining father takes it to business with him, and when it is sunny mother has it, so this is the only sort of weather when I can use it." On to the parade ground marched the colonel. He gave a look at the paraded men, rubbed his monocle, and had another look. "Hang it all," he barked at the captain, "what's the idea of parading all the big men in front of the smaller men?" "Sorry, sir," explained the captain. "It seems that the sergeant was a greengrocer before he joined up." Success is never attained by staying awake at night, but by staying awake in the daytime.