Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXX, Issue 72, 21 September 1940, Page 19

Wit and Humour

BOSTON OFFICER. Inspector, to amateur speed demon: Whither art thou bound, O winged one? To a conflagration, perchance? Artist: My most difficult task is usually completed before breakfast. Friend: You work before breakfast? Artist: No, I get out of bed. Suitor: Yes, I'm a self-made man. She: Well, it's nice of you to take the blame.NAMED. Golf Professional: Now there's one thing I must impress on you—always keep your eyes on the ball. Novice (coldly): Oh, so that's the sort of club I've joined. Mr. Brown: There's no use talking. Women can't take a joke. Mrs. Brown: Can't they? Well, what did I do when I married you? Mistress:. Mary, the window in your bedroom is so dirty.that one can hardly see out of it. Mary: Oh, that doesn't matter, ma'am. When I want to see anything, I just open it. THE METHOD. Stranger (to small boy with a large dog): How do you manage to lead an animal like that? Boy: It's not so hard—you just put a leash on him; find out which way he wants to go, and then hang on. HIS DIFFICULTY. "My advice to you, Colonel, is to go through the movements of driving without using the ball," said the golf instructor. "My dear fellow," answered the Colonel, "that's precisely the trouble I'm wanting to overcome!" EXPERT. The manager was interviewing aft applicant for a situation. "Is there anyJthing you can do better than anyone else?" he asked. "Yes. sir," was N the reply. "I can read my own writing." Two actors who hadn't much use for each other met in a friend's house. They exchanged frigid nods. "How are you getting along?" asked one. "Pretty well," replied the other. "Still keeping alive, you know." The first eyed him steadily for a moment, and then asked casually:. "What's your motive?" HUMOUR WAS DRY. A few weeks ago a company ofsoldiers -was transferred from the East to sunny California—arriving in the midst of the rainy season. The commander of the company, making a night tour of the camp, was challenged by a sentry who had been standing at his post for two hours in a driving rain. "Who's there?" called the sentry. "Friend," replied the CO. "Welcome to our mist," said the sentry. The dramatic critic asked his newspaper to assign him to the front as a war correspondent and his request was granted. At the time he had belittled fourteen plays in a row. "I hear," said one of the reporters, "that. Gammond's going to cover the war." "Good heavens!" ejaculated another. "Supposing he doesn't like it?" UNLIKELY. At the tea-party a long argument had been going on about whether or not women should be allowed to do men's jobs. The local auctioneer decided to take a hand. "At any rate," he said mildly, "mine is a profession that women can't take up." "Nonsense!" said a strong-minded woman. "A woman would make quite as good an auctioneer as a man." "I wonder," replied the auctioneer. "Try to imagine an unmarried woman standing up before a crowd and saying: 'Now, gentlemen—all I want is an offer!'" OUTCLASSED. An enthusiastic gardener was proud of his crop of monster red currants. Several of his friends, after admiring the fruit, advised him to send an exhibit to the local horticultural show. He took their advice. Judging being completed and the awards announced, the entrant was disappointed to learn that his currants had secured only third prize. He discovered afterwards that a mistake had been rnade.^ They had been placed in the tomato'class. WHY NOT? The lawyer faced the tramp in the witness chair. He pointed a neatlymanicured finger at him. "You'll remember that you're under oath," he thundered. "Now tell us where you were at noon on July 19." The tramp shifted slightly. "I sat in the middle of a park bench," he explained. "I was eating half a bag of peanuts for lunch." "Hmmmm," mused the lawyer sceptically. "And what were you doing at 6 p.m. that day?" "I sat in the middle of the same bench," returned the tramp. "I was eating the other half of the bag of peanuts for dinner." The lawyer suddenly leaned forward. "Now tell me," he barked. "What did you do after you ate the last peanut?* The tramp shrugged. "Nothing much," he said. "As I remember it. I just moved from the middle of the bench to the end of the bench." The lawyer straightened. He gave the jury a significant look, and then wheeled to the tramp. "Ah!" he cried dramatically. "And just why did you shift from the middle of the bench to the end of the bench? '' The tramp glared at the attorney. "When you're through eating," he answered defiantly, "don't you ever leave the kitchen and move into the sitting-room?"

SHARE BASIS. Barber: Hair cut? Farmer (in chair): Yes. Barber: How do you want it cut? Farmer: I'm not particular. Barber: I'll cut any way you like. ■ Farmer: That's a bargain. Cutit on shares. You can have half the hair for your work. • ■ A city man was crossing a pasture. "Say, there," he shouted to the farmer, "is this bull safe?" "Well," answered the farmer, • "I reckon he's a lot safer than you are just now." • Thomson: Yes, it was a wonderful party. Last thing I remember clearly was Bronson getting into Jones's grandfather, clock and trying to telephone to his wife. OPTIMISTIC. A farmer had been to a fair and bought a horse. After stabling it, he gave it some feed. The animal refused to eat. A little later it refused water. The farmer's eyes gleamed hopefully. "If only this horse is a good worker, what a bargain I've made!?' During the evacuation of Flanders ten captured Jerries had to be released. When they got back an officer questioned how they were caught. 'We were out on patrol," said the leader, "when suddenly we were surrounded by an Englishman." AS USUAL. "The- time will come," shouted the speaker, "when, women will get men s wages." "Yes," interjected the little man in the corner, "next Friday night. Guide (escorting party through canning factory): Over there you will see the girls putting the pork in the beans.: Member of Party: Where are the girls who take it out? Contractor: Does the foreman know that the trench has fallen in? . Labourer: Well, sir, we're digging him out to tell him. GYMNASTICS. They were discussing personal fitness. "Now, look at me," said Hobson proudly. "For years I have had five minutes wrestling every morning and I am as fit as a fiddle.' "Who do you get to wrestle with you?" asked one of the company. "No need for anyone." replied Hobson. "I have my-collars., starched well, that's all." SUMMER FICTION. "John! This is. a terrible way to stait our vacation trip, b.ut I'm, afraid we'll have to turn back. I just happened to think that I forgot to lock the back door!" , . . _■~,■., "That's all right,, honey. Don t feel bad about it. After all, it's only a hundred.and eighty-six miles." ; THE DESTINATION. ' Grandma Jackson and her young grandson were riding on a train. Grandma had dozed and suddenly she sat up. "What was the station the conductor called?" she asked the boy. "He didn't announce any staiton; he just put his head in the door and "Get the bundles together quickly," said Grandma. "This is Oshkosh." READY FOR ACTION. j Vernon: Grandma, if I was invited { out to dinner somewhere, should I eat my pie with a fork? Grandma: Certainly, Vernon. Vernon: You haven't a piece of pie around the house that I could practise on, have you, Grandma? . • . OF COURSE. Two Chicago women, visiting New Orleans, saw their first Spanish moss. They could not imagine what it was. They pulled some off the trees and discussed it at length and finally one con- j eluded the conversation by saying: "It must be some of that Mardi Gras we've read about." SOCIABLE GENERAL. A young Scottish recruit was put on sentry-go outside the general's tent. In the morning the general rose, looked out of his tent, and said in a stern and loud voice: "Who are you?" "Fine, sir!" beamed Sandy. "Hoo're yoursel'?" ACCOMMODATING. The rich man eyed the young man up and down. Rich Man: So you want to marry my daughter? Have you already fixed the date of the wedding? Youth: I leave that entirely to your daughter. . "Do you want a big wedding or a small family affair?" "I leave that entirely to your wife, sir." "How big is your income, young man?" "I leave that entirely to you, sir." , AMUSED HIM. In the course of an English lesson, the teacher wrote on the blackboard: "He was bent on seeeing his old school." "Now, children;" she said, "I want you to study that sentence and then write it down in your own words." One small boy obviously did some hard thinking. Then he proudly; wrote: j "The sight of his old school doubled him up." CAUSE FOR ALARM. The two men on the bus were obvi- I ously exchanging experiences. The i big man on the outside seat chuckled. "Yes, she's just like my wife. Sadie will have it that I'm a heavy sleeper, but that the merest whisper wakes her up. Yet I heard the siren first. I had to shout to her. She wanted to j know what I was making such a fusS j about. 'Air-raid warning,' I told her. j 'Oh, is that all?' she asked, rubbing j the cobwebs from her eyes. 'I was j afraid you were going to tell me that you thought you'd heard a mouse.'"