Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXX, Issue 30, 3 August 1940, Page 19

Wit and Humour

NOTHING TO IT. "Sculpture .is very easy, isn't it?" remarked the sweet young thing. "Very, very easy," answered the sculptor, "and very, very simple. You just take a block of marble and a chisel and knock off all the marble you don't want." "Aye," said the old man, "I be the oldest in the village—ninety-five come Christmas—and I reckon I'd be a hunderd if it hadn't been for this 'ere putting back of clocks." BUT HOW ABOUT THE STEAK. Diner: I've been waiting half an hour for that steak. Waiter: Yes, sir, I know you have. If everyone was as patient as you, this would be a better world. "How are the fish in these parts?" asked the visitor. The fisherman looked up with a sigh. . "Well. I really can't say. . For. a week I've dropped them a line each day but so far have had no reply." A certain officer's cpnfidential report had written on it, by his commanding officer: "This officer should go far." The Brigade Commander added: "The farther the better," and finally the District Commander wrote: "He should start at once!" REBUKE. "Late again, Simpkins; how's that?" asked a schoolmaster of a tardy scholar. , J . "Please, sir, I got up late, and only left myself ten minutes to dress," said the boy. . "But I can dress comfortably in that time." "Yes, sir; but I wash!" Lady (to applicant): Yes, I advertised for a maid-of-all-work. You are an early riser? Applicant: Indade an' Oi am, ma am! At me last place Oi was up and had breakfast ready an' all the beds made before anybody else in the house was up! In Germany a man strolled up to a corner and, pausing, tightened his trouser belt another notch. A Gestapo member demanded, sharply: "What are you doing?' "I was just having my breakfast, was the reply. EDUCATIONAL. "Yes, stamp collecting is educational," said the fond mother to the visitor. "For instance, where is Hungary, Without looking up from his stamp book, the young collector answered promptly: "Two pages in front ot Italy." A Nazi in Berlin blocked the passage of a man in the street. "Step aside, Jew!" he commanded. "Step aside for a Nazi." The other, a good German citizen, looked at the Nazi with all the distaste of six years written on his face. "I'm not a Jew," he said in a tired voice. "I just happen to look intelligent." RESTRAINT. To impress on his pupils the need of thinking before speaking, the master told them to count fifty before saying anything important, and one- hundred if it was very important. Next day he was speaking, standing with his - back to the fire, when he noticed several lips moving rapidly. Suddenly the whole class shouted: ''Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, a hundred. Your coat's on fire, sir." CHANGING THE SUBJECT. Mr. Newrich had been asked to distribute prizes at the local school. During his speech he dwelt on the benefits of education. "What a wonderful thing is education!" he said. "Now, take arithmetic. If we are educated we know that two twos make four, that four fours make 16, that nine nines make—and then there's history. . . ." At a small chapel in one of the Yorkshire dales the appointed minister had failed to make his appearance at the time for the beginning of the usual service. One of the waiting congregation, a local farmer, was eventually persuaded to officiate as substitute for the absent cleric. The lesson was the chapter from the Book of Daniel, which contains the oft-recurring passage: At what time ye hear the sound of the cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, psaltery, dulcimer, and all kinds of music. The farmer, with evident trepidation, waded three times through the comprehensive catalogue of ancient Babylonian instruments. When, however, he again came to "At what time ye hear," he paused for a moment, wiped the perspiration from his brow, and then continued: It's t'same band again, friends. A needn't read 'em out.

[ NEEDS PEP. "You sold me a car two weeks ago." "Yes, sir." "Tell me again all you said about it then. I'm getting discouraged." "I told your sister that I love her, and that we are going to be married in the winter." "July?" "No, I really love her." "Finding the campaign interesting?" the friend asked the political candidate.. "Well," he replied, "I certainly am learning a lot about my past I never knew before." IT'S OLD BUT GOOD. : Garage Mechanic: What's the trouble, lady? ' Mrs. Newdriver: They say that I have a short circuit. Can you lengthen it while I wait, please? "When a person is blind, his hearing is more acute," said the professor, explaining the law of compensation. "Oi see,'" said Pat. "Oi often noticed that if a man has one short leg the other is always longer." STICKY. : "I've got a surprise for you, my dear," said Hubby. "I've varnished the kitchen floor while you were out." "And I've got a surprise for you, darling," responded Wine. "You've used a jar of golden syrup to do it with." Boss: There are two dollars missing from this desk and only you and I have the key. What about it? Office Boy: Well, sir, let's each put in a dollar and say no more about it. EXCITING CUSTOMER. The mother took her little daughter into a shoe store to buy her a pair of play shoes. Before the little girl would consent to even try on a pair she said to the clerk, "Can these shoes run fast?" ■ : PROOF "ENOUGH. An ambitious hostess entertained a dinner party of distinguished authors. These discoursed largely during the meal, and bored one another and more especially their host, who was not literary. To wake himself up he excused himself from the table with a vague murmur about opening a window, and went out into the hall. He found this footman sound asleep in a chair. He shook the fellow, and exclaimed, angrily, "Wake up! You've been listening at the keyhole." , Collecting fares in the black-out, the bus conductor approached an old lady who kept him waiting while she mad£ quite sure her pennies were not halfcrowns. "Feel the edges, lady," said the conductor. "You can always tell that I way." She thanked him, and when she was getting out she pressed a coin into his hand, saying: That tip's worth knowing. Get yourself a packet of cigarettes. 'X. The conductor thanked her, and when she had gone he felt the edge of the coin. It was a farthing. "Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?" asked the Judge. ; "I certainly have, me Lud," replied the. accused. \£L* desire ,to . take .-.this opportunity of stating with reserve of circumlocution that in my opinion the penalty imposed upon me by this court should be in keeping with my station in life, or, as it were, commensurate with my social position, which hitherto has been one of no inconsiderable importance." : "Well/ remarked the Judge drily; "you certainly seem to like long sentences. Ten years." MODERN METHOD. A young lady from Boston was explaining. "Take an egg," she said, "and make a perforation in the base with some suitable pointed instrument, and a corresponding one in the apex. Then, by applying the lips to one aperture arid forcibly exhaling the breath, discharge the shell of its contents." "Well, well," said the farmer's wife who was listening, "it beats all how folks do things nowadays. When I was a girl, we just made a hole in each end and blew." At a certain convalescent hospital for naval officers there was a particularly pretty nurse. One after another the officers invited her out to dinner —only to be told by the matron, a very strict individual, that the rules of the hospital would not allow this. One day, however, a 'new patient, who had made the usual invitation and had received the same answer, said to the matron: How very unfortunate, as I happen to be her brother. "How very unfortunate indeed," replied the matron, "as I happen to be her mother 1"