Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXIX, Issue 17, 20 January 1940, Page 19

Wit and Humour

The story is told of two Yorkshiremen who walked from their county to London. When they reached Barnet they asked how ,much further it was. "Ten miles," they were told. "It's no good," said one of the Yorkshiremen. "I'm beat. I can't tramp another step." "Let's go on," said his companion, bravely; "it's nobbut five mile apiece." "What made you suspect that Jones was the worse for liquor last night?" "Well, he put a- penny in the pillarbox, then looked up at the G.P.O. clock and said, "Spare me days! I've lost four stone!" Pit ponies are said to grow extraordinarily rapidly during their periodic visits to the surface. , A pony which had just returned to the pit had grown so much that the boy who was driving it was unable to get the animal through a very narrow section of the shaft. To make it possible for the pony to pass he took up a pick and began to break away part of the roof. A collier immediately came up and remonstrated with him, saying that the. .sensible, thing would-be to dig away part of the floor to deepen the shaft. " "Don't be so daft," said the boy. "It's his head what's bumping!" Politician: The people won't elect me because of my youth. Friend: But. you're over fifty, and your youth is spent. Politician: That's' the trouble. They found out how I spent it. The reporter was sent to write up a charity ball. Next day the editor called him to his desk. "Look here, what do you mean by this? 'Among the most beautiful girls Was Horatio Lucian Dingley.' Why, you crazy idiot, old Dingley isn't a girl—and, besides, he's one of our principal- stockholders." "I can't help that." returned the realistic reporter. "That's where he was." Haberdashery Advertisement: "Wonderful bargain in work shirts for men with 16 or 17 necks." And it is equally true that fewer people would be late for work in the morning if industry would adopt a Simple rule permitting the last man in, to .blow the 7 o'clock whistle. "For three years I have been a client of this beauty parlour." "Really! If I were you I should try another." Nervous Old Lady: Now drive very carefully all the time, pay strict attention to the traffic police at street corners, and if the road should be slippery- • Taxi-driver: And which hospital would you like to go to? (Police Sergeant: Did you third-de-gree the prisoner? Constable: Yes, sir. We browbeat him, badgered him, and asked him every question we could think of. Sergeant: And what did he do? i ■ Constable: Dozed off, and said, "Yes dear, you are perfectly right!" _ "We don't want any of them newiangled scales in Ireland," said O'Hara There's an aisy way to weigh a pig without scales. You get a plank and put it across a stool. Then you get a big stone. Put the pig on one end of the plank and the stone on the other and shift the plank until they balance. Then^ou guess the weight of the stone, and you have the weight of the "What do you think of Jones advertising for a wife?" "Did he get any replies?" "Hundreds of 'em. Each one wroteYou can have mine!'" TRUE ENOUGH. Just after the "local" had closed a man stumbled through the'dark night into an ambulance first aid post. "This the casualty place?" he asked 'It is," replied the official on duty smartly. "What's the trouble?" "I've been stung by a wasp!" "Well, we can't treat you here." "Why not? Ain't I an air raid victim?" . NOT TO BE TRUSTED. Charged with theft, he had pleaded guilty, but the jury retired, and an hour later returned to court to announce "Not guilty." "What!" exclaimed the judge, "after he has confessed that he is guilty?" "But. my Lord," replied the foreman of the jury, "we've all known Smith since he was a boy, an' he's the biggest liar in-the town. GOOD START. The farmer was showing the new man around the farm, explaining all the jobs he would have to do. When the list had been completed the man aske "Plow about clearing the snow from round the house?" "What on earth do you mean? There's no snow at this time of year,'" said the farmer. "No, but there will be by the time I've finished these jobs." NO USE TO HER! In the middle of their shopping tour, two women stopped for a chat. "And what's your husband doing novy?" asked the first, presently. "Just sitting round and telling everybody what Hitler will do next," was the reply. "Then he's a bit of a prophet?" "Npt much! So far as I'm concerned, he's a dead lossJ"

He wondered on his way ho] whether he had bid a little too hi for the volume he was holding, had only had time for a cursory glar at it before the auction began ; a though it had seemed just the thi he was seeking, he could only make rough guess at its true worth. St he had taken the chance, and he mi trust to luck whether it . filled t breach or not. Happily his misgivings were i founded, and when he bore his pr indoors the family were delighted find that the newly-acquired . toi propped up the disabled settee p fectly. He: I hope my visits are not unple ing to you, Miss Betty? She: Not at all. The displeasure feel in seeing you is compensated i by the "joy I experience when y go. -■ / . ./■■;•■ A lunatic was trying to knock a n; into a wall. But he had the head the nail against the wall and was hai mering the point. At length he threw down the., n; in 'disgust and "saidr-'Bah!" Idibi They gave me a nail with the head the wrong end." Another inmate of the asylum, wi had been watching, began to laugl "It's you that's the idiot," he said. •'Why?" ' - ■■-■.■■• ...••:■..• ••.: ..V The other jerked his thumb at tj opposite wall. "Nail was. made for ti other side of.--the room,'.'-&e said. Jones was sitting with his wife fc hind a palm on a hotel verandah la ane night, when a young man and girl came and sat down on a ben< near them. The young man began tell the girl how pretty, and good ai lovable he thought she was. Hidden behind the palm, Mrs. Jon whispered to her husband:.'...' "Oh. John, he doesn't know we': lere, and he's going to propos Whistle to warn him!" ''What for?" said- Jones. "Noboc whistled to warn me." The man in the queue for tl cricket match felt someone touching h aaek. Turning round, he saw a gi about to leave the queue. "I'm going across the road to gi some cigarettes," she said. "Well, that doesn't interest me," sa ;he man. "I know," was the reply, "but Ii out a chalk mark on your back in cai [ forget my place!" '•What is the most useful of a ;ocial accomplishments?" asks a co :espondent. Being able to yawn wi' ;he mouth closed gets our vote. Mother: Why are you making fad it that bulldog? Small Child (wailing): He starte ,t. . . . ; . A touring theatrical company haltc n a small town for one night onl; The play was a melodrama, and as tt mdience didn't like it, eggs, cabbage md potatoes rained on the stage. Still the performance went on. Tl hero raved through his endlei speeches, dodging an onion or an e| every other minute, and was preti sore from those missiles he hadn't bee able to avoid. Finally a gallery-ite hurled a heav boot, and the actor, thoroughly alarn ed, began to retreat. "Keep on playing, you fool," hisse the manager from the wings,- as h hooked the boot with an umbrell; "Keep on till we get the other one.'; ON THE WAY. Some local farm labourers were en gaged to assist at the drilling of borehole in a Kent valley. Befor starting they had to promise not t disclose anything to anyone. At the local pub one night a strange asked one of them if they had struc coal at the borings yet. "No," he replied, "but we're gettin near it." "How do you know that?" asked th stranger, feeling that his round o drinks was already paying dividends. "Well," said the workman, "we'v just struck a seam of coke." STARTING TOO EARLY. .Full of importance of his new rani as uncle, nine-year-old Jimmy wen with his mother, to see his sister's nev baby girl. While the two grown-ups .talked, h< did a bit of exploring. The contents o the baby's basket fascinated him Then suddenly an exclamation o shocked amazement broke from him. "I say. sis!" he said, holding up the powder puff. "Isn't your baby rathei young for this sort of thing?" HARD TO BEAT. The haughty aristocrat was indignant. "You ask me if my family is old? Old! It goes back further than time. Legend has it that one of my ancestors viewed the Creation from the balcony of his castle!" SHORT AND SNAPPY. Manager (pointing to cigarette butt on floor): Smith, is this yours?" Smith (pleasantly): Not at all, sir. You saw it first. The manager of a cinema interviewed an applicant i'or the position of an attendant. After asking the man several questions as to his suitability for the job. he finally, asked him. "What would you do in case of fire?" "Oh," said ihe man, "don't worry about me! I'd be out in no time."

THE "EFFECT.

A mail said to a Jew —"How is it the people of your race have so much brains?" "Fish," said the Jew. -"I must try it," said the other man. "Give me a pound," said the Jew, "and I. vill send you some nice fish.' The pound was handed over. Some : {time after the two men met again. ' "Like your fish?" asked the Jew. "Oh, yes; but it was a very small amount of fish for a pound, I thought." The Jew smiled. W .."It's beginning to work already," he 5^ &m.-: ■ •. ■-...■■.... ' ■'' ■ ■ '■■■ I. , - m CONSIDERATE. jjj£ An optician, was seriously ill, and kp when he recovered fromjthe anaesthem tic after an operation fle found himS self lying in bed in a darkened room S| with his wife seated in a chair nearby. M He asked why the blinds had been S& lowered. fk . His wife replied, "There's a building &£ on fire over the road, and I thought P that if you saw the blaze through the Iff window you would think the operagii tion had been fatal." P " TACT. S. The shoe store.proprietor was hiring S a clerk. "Suppose," he said, "a lady p customer were to remark while you ijp were trying to fit her, 'Don't you think « one of my feet is bigger than the %: other?' What would you say?" iy "I should say, 'On the contrary, if madam, one is smaller than the other." ( ■ "The job is yours." a . AHA! is! Employer: Why hasn't this job been £j clone? It's nearly a month since I told ? you about it. Office Boy: I forgot, sir. Employer: Forgot! Suppose I forgot to pay you. What would you say? Office Boy: I should come and tell i you immediately, not wait a month | before I kicked up a fuss. !THE OTHER SIDE OF WAR. The pilot of one of our "leaflet" planes reported back at headquarters two hours before he was due. His i astonished CO. asked for an explana- , tibn. 3 "Well, sir," the young officer replied, 1 "I flew over enemy territory as in--1 structed and tipped out the parcels I over the side." X "Do you mean you threw them out 1 still roped in bundles?" asked the CO. * in an anxious voice. "Yes, sir." "Great Scot, man, you might have hurt somebody!" LATEST METHOD. A British destroyer was on patrol. When the captain signalled the order to stop; the first lieutenant appeared °c on the bridge. |" "Why have we stopped, sir?" ■*c "There's an enemy submarine immeC 6 diately below us." ld "Shall we get busy with the depth aS charges, sir?" ,^ "No, I'm sending down a diver with 11. leaflets." ist he RIGHTO! Son: What is meant by the bone of •"" contention, Pop? c . Pop: I'd say it was the jawbone, to son. ne Jr' QUACK! QUACK! Doctor: Your eye looks bad. I see signs of liver trouble or anaemia, and ls" I fear chronic nervous affection. • Patient: Look at my other eye, Doc. £ That one is glass. )U / ACCUSTOMED TO IT. She: It's wonderful—marvellous! Lil I called Jake a fathead, and he never o f flinched! a . : Her: Oh, of course not! In the summer he's a baseball umpire, and in the (il winter he's*a football referee! at; .-, ■■: , AHEM! Teacher: James, why do we call Eng--10 lish our mother tongue? l. I James: Because father does not get ;• much time to. use it. le HAIR-RAISING STORY. Ie The jßostpn^niaii,, qarefuL of his and , ; other folkrs'= grammar, asked the clerk for a man's comb; c . "Do you want a narrow' man's t I comb?" the clerk asked.' a "No," said the man, "I want a comb k for a stout man with rubber teeth." 2 DOWN TO EARTH. ; "He wrote all that music on top of ;si a mountain while on his, vacation last summer." ■c "Yes, the trouble is that he brought c. it down with him." y PREPARATION. x "And what are you going to be when you grow up?" c "Well, after I've been President for is a while to please mother, an' a lawyer , fl a while to please dad, I think I'll be a flyer." Bride: I am so glad you like the dind ncr today-—mother always says that the only things I can cook are potato soup c and custard tarts. c Young Hubby: And which is this? CAUSE AND EFFECT. U "Yes," said the world traveller, "the r- Chinese make it an invariable rule to ' h settle all their debts on New Year's , Day." "So I understand," said the listener, !S "but then the Chinese don't have a ; Christmas the week before." " \ UNEXPECTED PRAISE. Budding Author: How much postage d will this manuscript require? r. Clerk: Three cents; it's first-class c matter.. 5 , Author: Oh, thank you, sir. c DIFFERENT POSITIONS. ;s "So you're a young man with both S feet on the ground, eh? What do you y do for a living?" n "I take orders from a man with both feet on the desk." V ' ————— l" THE SOFT ANSWER. d Mother (at tea): Tommy, your hands p are dirty! Tommy: Yes, Mummy. I didn't .wash ' them so's I'll be ready for gardening directly after tea. OF COURSE. "Don't you find that children 1 brighten up the home?" - "Yes, our electric light bills are enor- } mous." I EDUCATIONAL FILMS. ' "Movies are educational." , , "Yes, I took my wife to one and she ' learned that she needed three new ~ dresses." c "THEIRS BUT TO DO." Two pals had joined up together and, like so many others, were finding it difficult to understand what the drill instructor barked at them. When the instructor gave an extra-. ; involved order, Alf whispered— ; " 'Ere, Bill, what did 'c say?" "Ain't got the least idea," replied Bill, "but we've got to,do it." " VERY IMPORTANT. "What is the first thing you do when cleaning your rifle?" asked the sergeant. "Look at the number, sergeant," replied the private smartly. "Look at the number!" snorted the sergeant, in surprise. "What ever for?" "To make sure I don't clean someone else's." SMART. A squad of recruits were out with m an officer who was putting them through an observation test. Corning to the top of a hill the officer pointed to a distant party of soldiers. "Private Smith," he said to one of his squad, "how many men are in the digging party in that field?" The party was so far away that they only looked like .tiny dots, but Smith replied unhesitatingly, "Sixteen men and a sergeant, sir!" The officer put his field glasses to his eyes and counted them. "That's quite right." he said, "but how did you know there was a sergeant there?" "He's the one not digging, sir," re- J plied Smith- I imt