WIT and HUMOUR

Evening Post, Volume CXXVIII, Issue 103, 28 October 1939, Page 19

WIT and HUMOUR

THE DOUBLE CLEANSING. Teacher Now, I want you to notice how clean James's hands always are. James, tell the class, how it is that you keep your fingers so nice. James: Ma makes me wash the dishes every morning. THEORIES. "I'm glad you're so impressed, dear, by these explanations I've been making about banking and economics," remarked the young husband. "Yes, darling. It seems wonderful that anybody could know as much as you do about money without having any of it." . OVER THE GARDEN FENCE. He leaned over the garden fence and beckoned to his neighbour. "I say, old fellow," he said, "I understand that you have Thompson's new rake." „ The neighbour nodded. "Good," said the first. "If you let me borrow that occasionally, I'll let you use Jones's roller whenever you need it." NON-SLIP. Exacting Mistress: There's one thing in your favour, the" mats in the hall keep their positions. How do you manage it, Mary? Maid (under notice): Oh, just chewing gum. EXCHANGE OF COMPLIMENTS. Barber: How do you like this new soap, sir? - ■ . Man in chair: It tastes fine. You must have lunch with me some day. VAULTING. AMBITION. Elsie (aged five): I do hope some Dutchman will marry me when I grow up! Aunt Mary: Why, dear? Elsie: 'Cause I want 'to be a duchess! NOT A SLACK JOB. "How did you learn to walk the tight-rope? Just pick it up yourself?" "Oh, no, It, has to be taut." . HEAVY ONES. \ Jones came back from his holiday proud of his.bulging.muscles.,: "Look at these arms," he said. They were. certainly in good condition. His colleagues put it down to rowing, but Jones withered them with scorn. "Rowing be blowed!" he snooted. "I got them pulling up fish." THE MISSING DAUGHTER. First Kangaroo: And what has become of your daughter, Evangeline? Second Ditto: Good gracious! Somebody has picked my pocket! PAPER TOO. . "Was that sandwich quite fresh that you sold me just now?'' "Quite, sir. Each one is wrapped in transparent airtight paper." "I wish I'd known." UNPREMEDITATED. "Oh, Janet, how did you come to break that ornament?" "I'm sure I'm verra sorry, mum; I wis just accidently dustin' it." ¥ A SERIOUS MATTER.--"What would happen if this lift should drop to the bottom?" asked the passenger as they drew near the top of the skyscraper. "Gosh," exclaimed the lift girl, turning pale at the very idea. "I'd lose my job." Magistrate: Why did you hit the plaintiff over the head after you had stolen his watch chain? Accused: Well, there was no watch on the end of the chain. Notice in a doctor's surgery: Ladies in the waiting-room will please not exchange symptoms. It gets the doctor hopelessly mixed up. A bishop was accosted in a railway carriage by a reveller, who said: You think you know everything, but I'll tell you two things you don't know. "Very likely," said the bishop. "What are they?" "I'm your cook's husband and I'm wearing your shirt." MODERN POLITICS. Candidate: It is my intention to conduct a bunkless campaign. Publicity Expert: Good—l'm just the man to put that kind of bunk over. KEEPING IT DARK. "Now, Nora, did you tell God how naughty you were yesterday?" "No, mother." "Why not?" "I thought we had better keep it in the family." MAYBE, The little sailing boat came waltzing into the bay.—From a novel. With a Liszt to starboard? "I put a button in that cigarette machine, and do you know what came out?" "No." "The tobacconist."

Magistrate: You are accused of speeding, no licence, number invisible, drunk , ._ Accused: Whilst you are at it you may as well add that the car was stolen.* The teacher was trying to get little Freddy to understand the principles of subtraction. . "Now, Freddy," she said, "you have ten fingers. If you lost three of them, what would you have?" Freddy brightened. "No more music ; lessons, teacher," he promptly replied. Tramp: Would you lend me a cake of soap, please, mister? Householder: Do you mean to tell me that you want soap? Tramp: Yus, mister. Me partner's got hiccups and I want to scare him. "Yes, this is a nice little bedroom," said the person who came after an advertised . bed-sitting-room. "Now show me the sitting-room.? I "Here it is, madam —on the bed. Shopkeeper (who has just sold an attache case to a Scotsman): Shall I wrap it up for you, sir? Scotsman: No, but you can put the i paper and string inside. —' John: How is the new radio? James: It's a howling success.* Shopper: Can I stick this wallpaper on myself? Salesman: Yes, sir; but it would really look better on the wall. An ancient car drove painfully to the gates of the football ground. The gatekeeper, demanding the usual entrance fee, called: "Half-crown for the car." The driver sighed wearily, and said: "Sold." A girl asked to see the hospital doctor. ■..■■"■" b Doctor: What is it? Girl: I would like to be a nurse in this, hospital. Doctor: Have you the necessary experience? .Girl: I think so. Two of my brothers play football, one is a boxer, mother plays hockey, and dad runs a motor-cycle. Binks: Who invented work? Jinks: Don't you bother. You'll never infringe his patent. Aunty: Have another piece of cake, Teddy. Teddy: No thank you. Aunty: You seem to be suffering from loss of appetite. Teddy: No, I'm suffering from politeness. "Jones's wife thinks the world of her husband." "Does she?" "Yes. She even believes the parrot taught him to swear." ' Girl (at dance): What's the difference between dancing and marching? He: I don't know. Girl: I thought so. Shall we sit down?