WIT and HUMOUR

Evening Post, Volume CXXVIII, Issue 13, 15 July 1939, Page 20

WIT and HUMOUR

"Fine piece of land out here!" said the dusty, shrewd-looking man as he descended from his trap outside the farmer's house. "You're right there," replied the farmer eagerly. "It's the best in ' the country." "Bit high a figure for a poor man, 1 reckon?" asked the stranger. "It's worth every penny of. three hundred an acre." answered the farmer with an eye to business. "Were you thinking of buying and settling in these parts?" "Hardly,"' murmured the traveller, making some notes in a book. "I'm the new tax assessor!" A man took a clock to a pawnbroker in an effort to get some money. "Is it an eight-day clock?" asked the pawnbroker. "I don't know," replied the man. "I've never had it more than four days at a time." Brown (.meeting happy father in street): Congratulations, old boy, I hear you've got a son. . Smith (who lives in nearby neighbourhood): Gracious! Can you hear him all that distance? Parson: I was very pleased to see you at the prayer meeting last night, brother. _ , Village Toper: So that's where I was! Well, I'm jiggered! Brown: What was the worst storm you ever encountered? . Jones: Oh, it raged at about two hundred and eighty words a minute. "Where's the car?" the professor's wife asked the professor. "Did I take the car?" "Certainly you did." . "Well, I thought it strange. When I got out at the post office I turned round to thank the gentleman who had given me a lift and he wasn't there. A man at a boarding-house said to the maid on the mornings after his arrival: -'I say, you might take,.this back. If it's my early cup of tea its too weak. If it's my shaving-water it s too strong." - An American in England was giving some illustrations of the size of his. C°"Say!" he said' impressively, "you can set into a train in the State of TSaf at dawn, and twenty-four hours ers. "We've got some pretty slow trains, too." A SHORT CUT. Guest (at party): Where is that pretty maid who was handing out looking for a dr Gue?st: No. I'm looking for my husband. H-M-M! "How did you know this to be a bachelor's apartment?" "There's no chair by the telephone. SIMPLE, MY DEAR WATSON! Brown and Smith were walking down North Street when they were passed by a smartly-dressed woman. Smith was sure that he knew her. "I say, Brown, old man," he remarked, "do you know that woman across the street?" "She certainly looks familiar,' came Brown's reply. "It's my wife's dress, my daughter's hat, my mother-in-law s umbrella—why, of course! It's our cook." * TRY THIS FOR SIZE. Customer: I want a nice firm cabbage. Former Haberdasher: A fairly large head, ma'am —say, about seven and three-eighths? 1066? Street Corner Speaker: It's knowledge we want. Ask the average man when Magna Carta was King of England, and he can't tell you. NICE GARDENING. "How did your potato crop turn out, old chap?" asked one ardent amateur gardener of his neighbdur. "Splendid," replied the other. "Some were as big as marbles, some as big as peas, and, of course, there were quite a lot of little ones." "How dp you like this chimneysweeping job?" "Oh, it's soots me." HIT AND MISS. "My wife can drive nails like lightning." "Really?" "Yes, she never strikes twice in the same place." OF COURSE. Paul: Can any of you schoolgirls tell me what a mandate is? Jane: Yes, sir, an appointment with a gentleman. RISKY. A man went into an insurance office to have his life insured. "Do you cycle?" the agent asked. "No," said the man. "Do you motor?" i "No." "Do you, then, perhaps fly?" •'No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I have no dangerous. . . ." "Sorry, sir," the agent broke in, "but we no longer insure pedestrians." PROFESSIONAL. The fil:n producer visited his oculist and complained of seeing spots before his eyes. "Wall," smiled the oculist, "there's nothing serious about that. We'll have you fixed up.in no time. Why, thousands of people see spots before their eyes." The film producer sighed. "Yes, I know that," he replied, "but mine are in technicolour." "Mary, you were entertaining a man in the kitchen last night. I don't like it." "Nor do I, ma'am; but you were wsine the drawing-room."

Customer: What is the charge for this battery? Electrician: One and a half volts. "Well, how much is that in English money?" Suburban Resident: It's simply grand to wake up in the morning and hear the leaves whispering outside your window. . City Man: It's all right to hear the leaves whisper, but I never could stand hearing the grass moan. Judge: I cannot conceive of a meaner, more cowardly act than that of the prisoner. He left his wife, and is nothing more than a contemptible deserter! Counsel: I submit, my lord,' that if you knew the woman, you wouldn't call my client a deserter. You would say he's a refugee! "What about the five pounds you promised to pay< me back in the spring?" "What? Have you the cheek to call this awful weather spring?" "What is the typical modern executive?" "A man who talks golf all morning in the office and business all afternoon on the links." "Is she progressive or conservative?" "I don't know. She wears a last year's hat, drives this year's car, and lives on next year's income." "Darling! At last you've found out how to cook a nice lightly-done steak." "Oh, yes. I was going to tell you. Robert. I'd only half-cooked the dinner when the man came to cut the gas off." The bright young thing came into the room and smiled at her mother "Mother," she said, "I must have some money for a new dress. Will you ask Daddy for it?" "Ask him yourself, dear," was mother's reply. "You are getting married in a month's time and you must have some practice." The gangster stood ,near the witness stand his right hand raised. I "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but .the truth?" droned the court clerk. The gangster felt quite carefree at that particular iroment. "Soitenly," he promised. 'Til try anything once!" WHY WORRY? . Father: No, I won't do your sum for you. It wouldn't be right. Bobby: I don't suppose it would, but you might have a try. HIS OWN MEDICINE. "When I went to the dentist's yesterday I had. a great pleasure." "Pleasure at the dentist's?". "Yes. He was sitting in the chair and his assistant was drawing one of his teeth." ." i A GOOD, START- I Choirboy (to Vicar): The choir is organising a cricket team, sir, and we wondered if you would lend us the bats which the verger says you have in the belfry. THE GUARANTEE. Farmer: Do you guarantee this clover seed? " Merchant: Guarantee? I should say so! If that seed doesn't come up, you bring it back and we'll refund your money. : . ■ THINK OF IT! Weary Willie and Tired Tiru were sitting by the roadside discussing how they would put the world to rights if only they were given the chance. "Listen, Tim," said Willie, "if I was dictator, I'd give three 'undred and sixty-five 'olidays a year." "Don't be a fool, mate!" said Tim. "What if ye did that, we'd 'aye to work a 'ole day every four years." NO CHANCE YET. Teacher: Smith minor, what do you know about Cleopatra? Smith Minor: Nothing, sir. The film has not been to our cinema yet. AHA! Teacher: I am going to ask the class what is the best material to make bows of. Pupils: Yew wood! SHREWD MACPHERSON. "Hello," exclaimed Ronald, "Hae ye heard about Macpherson?" "No, what's the matter wi' him?" "He's opened a new business. Daein' fine, too." "What's his line?" "He's selling glow-worms tae beekeepers." "Whatever for?" "Tae put in the beehives so that the bees can see tae work at night." THE UNUSUAL WAY. Reporter: To what do you attribute' your success as a golfer? Champion: Well, perhaps I'm tx> lazy to take as many strokes as other people. AWFUL. Golfer: I'm not playing the game I used to play. Caddie: What game was that, sir? Customer (irritably): Why is it I never get what I ask for at this shop? Shop Assistant: Perhaps it's because we're too polite, madame. "So you have adopted a baby, Ronnie? Well, it may turn out all right, but aren't you taking a chance?" "I don't think so. No matter how many bad habits the child may develop, my wife can't say he inherits any of them from my side of the family." "You must miss your husband terribly when he's travelling." "Oh, no. I just pvop a newspaper in front of his plate at breakfast and I dons know he's away." "Won't you subscribe five shillings towards the funeral expenses of our saxophone player?" "Rather! Here's thirty-t-bury the whole band."

THE REVERSE. "Papa," said the young son, "what is the difference between a statesman and a politician?" "A statesman, my son, wants to do something for his country. A politician wants his country to. do something for him." GOOD REASON. The Frenchman was spending a holiday in England. Frenchman: Ah, now I know why the English are so fond of tea. Friend: Well, why? Frenchman: I have tasted their coffee. TURNING THE COMPLIMENT. At a university, a certain student is quite plump; and after a particularly unsuccessful recitation, the professor said: "Alas, sir, you are better fed than taught." "That's right. Professor," sighed the youth, subsiding heavily; "you teach me—l feed myself." JUST TO KEEP IN FORM. A representative body of master plumbers called on a humorous weekly 'to present a protest against the plumber jokes which the weekly constantly printed. It is rumoured that one of the delegates had to go back for the protest. NOT SO GOOD. Little Mildred had just had her first dip in the sea. : "How did you like it, dearie?" asked her mother as she fastened the six-year-old's frock. "I didn't like it at all, mother," she replied, coldly. "L sat on a wave and went through.!" : . ' .;. ■. . GETTING BACK TO EARTH. "We had a wonderful trip!" enthused the motorist. "We saw snow-crested summits leaping toward the cerulean heavens; foaming' torrents raging through the bottom of shadowy canyons; we looked down from beetling crags into the depths of limpid lakes; traversed sylvan glades shot with flashes of golden sunlight; we—;-" "How many miles to the gallon did you get?" - , EXPENSIVE. "Oh, Dr. Killem." "Yes, Dr. Fixem." ■ "I wish you'd give me something. I've got an. awful attack of indiges-i tion." ! "Well, you're a doctor. Why don't you treat yourself?". ; . "Not me. I charge too much!" The BETTER WAY. "I clean my diamonds with ammonia, my rubies with wine. my. emeralds with brandy, and my sapphires withj fresh milk," said Mrs. Newrich, "Is that; so? When mine get dirty. I just throw them away," replied Mrs Oldrich. CLEVER FELLOW. The man hurried into the police station, hot and out of breath. "I wish to report," he gasped, "that my car has been stolen." "Did vyou see who took it?" asked the sergeant. "I did." "What did he look like?" "Well, I couldn't exactly describe him," explained the victim; "but," he added, producing a notebook, "I succeeded in taking the number of the car." THE DRAWBACK. "You, a Scotsman, and you don't play golf?" "Ay. I havna played for yearrs." "Why not?" "I lost my ball." WONDERFUL AIM The dear old lady made it her duty to visit the patients in the local hospital. On one occasion she went up to the much-bandaged man who was sitting up in bed, and after a little preliminary talk, asked him sympathetically: "I suppose your wife must miss you a great deal?" "Oh, no, mum," came the prompt reply. "She's got a wonderful aim for* a woman." SLIGHT MISTAKE. . The thrifty old housewife entered an outfitter's shop, and asked the assistant for a linen collar for her husband. "Just one?" queried the assistant. The old lady drew herself up and snapped: "Young man, are you msinuatin' that I have more than one husband?" AUTO MINDED. Little Corky seemed very much interested in Grandma's hair, which was dressed in a coil at the back of her head. After Grandma had noticed him staring at it for some time .she asked, "Corky, why do you stare at my hair in that manner?" Corky replied, "Well, Grandma, you carry a spare, don't you?" DAD'S DOINGS. , "Yes," said the schoolmaster, "I must confess that your son has a great thirst for knowledge. Where does he get it?" "The thirst," said the pupil's mother, "he gets from his father, and his knowledge from me." FRESH START. Kind Lady: What are you crying for, little man? What's your name? Where do you live? Small Boy: That's what's the matter. 1 don't know my name or where I live. We moved yesterday, and mother was married again today. GANGWAY! The manager of a theatre interviewed an applicant for the position of attendant. After asking the man several questions as to his suitability for the job he finally asked him: "What would you do in case of fire?" Applicant: "Oh, don't worry about me. I'd soon get out." THE REASON. Teacher: Now I want you to notice how clean James's hands always are. James, tell the class how it is that you keep your hands so nice. James: Ma makes me wash the dishes every mornins.