POSTSCRIPTS

Evening Post, Volume CXXVII, Issue 140, 16 June 1939, Page 8

POSTSCRIPTS

Chronicle and Comment

BY PERCY FLAGE

Parent Unknown. —The Land and Income Tax Department is installing a hot air system. Parliament opens next week. # * * Flaremond Cornet will be justified ia blowing his own trumpet after breaking so many world walking records. « • «, The warden of the Kansas State penitentiary refused to allow convicts to wear silk underwear under their prison garb because it would be "completely out of place." Would it be "ia place" draped around their necks? # * » Jumbo.—lt was stated last week by the Assistant Secretary of the Department of Labour that any competent man, not necessarily a skilled worker, applying to the State Placement Service, would be found employment within a reasonable time. By Jove, he might be right, too. » « * . TRUTH AND FABLES. : Sir Harry Batterbee tells us the truth is that "the fable of the bundle of sticks is just as true today as it was 2000 years ago," and he also mentions "the spirit of mutual understanding and co-operation." Many people nowadays hesitate to give credence to fables and things of the spirit, "while the Spirit of Truth itself is so intangible that people appear afraid of it. Yours truly, THE WHOLE TRUTH. # -s- * DON'T SHOUT. Dear Flage,—The other day in a city office one of the staff had a longdistance call on-the telephone. He was one of those men who think he has to speak up louder to make up for the distance. The managing director, hearing all the shouting, said to his typist, "What's happening out there?" She said, "That's Mr. Martin speaking to Palmerston North." M.D.: "Is it? Go out and tell him to use the 'phone!" ALURED. # * * THE DEMON BEER. Mr. Flage,—This beer your contributors seem to regard as the nation's lifeboat and safeguard from all the ills of the flesh an' the devil on sea and land! Listen to me: You have heard of the snake in the grass, my boy— Of the terrible snake in the gr?ss; So now-you must know man's deadliest foe Is a snake of a different class—alas! 'TIS THE VENOMOUS SNAKE- IN THE GLASS! • T.D.T. P.S.—Ask any seasoned reporter! « * » SAFETY FIRST. A Hataitai reader of this column, who is interested in the "Safety First" Campaign and believes that r change from the danger-danger-danger type of slogan would induce a healthier complex in drivers, offers this one (from America) as more effective and compelling:— When your car approaches the train Stop—it takes a minute. You can quite easily start again, And better still—you're in it. We prefer that one to many of the hackneyed warnings which have been dinned into the ears of motorists by radio and otherwise. Another American warning takes this penetrating form: Honestly now, what's your hurry? Here again the right note is struck. « • « BRAIN-TEASER. Here's the last communique dealing with last Saturday's puzzlers. Firstly, the answers —No. 1: The debt would never be paid, supposing coins of infinitesimal value were obtainable. No. 2: Ocelot, okapi, echidna, civet, tigress, ounce, marten, panda. Latest solutions: Uncle Cecil (Lower Hutt), Nos. 1 and 2 ("after this I'm going to give the income tax return my attention, and I might 'get that right"), "Scruffy" (No. 1 and .875 of No. 2), A.C. (No. 1), Blotto (Nos. 1 and 2), "Nyne" (Nos. 1 and 2), Gasmask and Diana (after a marathon struggle) completed No. 2 (they were in earlier with No. 1), as did W. M. Roche, one of the first to solve No. 1. Joynt got seven of the eight animals, and J.C. received full marks for No. 1, but was three short in No. 2. In" response to requests for another animal test we shall set one for the weekend neither too easy nor too headachy. And there'll be a No. 1, o£ course. Sharpen up your minds —not for* getting the pencils. # * * THOSE TOWN HALL CHAIRS. Dear Mr. Flage,—Did you read those rude remarks about, our Town Hall chairs in the "Evening Post" tonight? Our Town Hall seats are marvellous! Especially downstairs. When you're sitting through a concert On hard old wooden chairs! Each minute they get harder; And in moments such as these The poor old bony framework Goes all numb above the knees. Then you squirm and do a wriggle, And heave yourself aloft — And wish the chairs weren't quite so hard Or you weren't quite so soft. Please, kind, good Mr. Councillors, List to our maidens' prayers. Do let us have a cushion When we perch upon your chairs. Perhaps a few advertisements Draped round their backs so bare Would defray the cost of cushioning The poor old Town Hall chair! Yours, MAISIE. Lower Hutt. HOOTS, MON! Dear Flage,—Your castigator, J.H.D., calls you in question for saying "Hoots, Mon!" and then tells you that he read in a book where the author gave a clever and truer indication of the actual pronunciation when he wrote "Hoots, maun!" and advised you to try it. Don't, you'll only make yourself look ridiculous. So far as pronun-. ciation is concerned "mon" and "maun" are exactly the same, but in their written forms are vastly different. "Maun" in Scots means "must," for the proof of which there are many classic examples, viz., from • Burns's "My Bonie Mary." The ship rides by the Berwick-law And I "maun" leave my bonie Mary. And in "Again Rejoicing Nature Sees": And "maun" I still on Menie doat, And bear the scorn that's in her e'e! And from "For A' That and A' That"; A prince can mak' a belted knight, A marquis, duke, and a' that; But an honest man's aboon 'his might, Gude faith he mauna fa' that! "He mauna fa' that, means he must not try that. Therefore, to write "Hoots, maun," as suggested, would simply ,_.-,„,-, "Koctc, must." p*^ «""*Vi h'",' vt-« must ultimately i«nd joli .a a spufc or two of trouble. Hoots, mon!

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