LAUGHING GAS

Evening Post, Volume CXXVI, Issue 150, 22 December 1938, Page 19 (Supplement)

LAUGHING GAS

"Excuse me staring at you," said the man in the corner seat, "but you are very like an acquaintance of mine—my wife.to be exact—-a speaking t likeness— —" . ':'. f .■.■ \ .-.-■, ..,-,■■ "That sort of thing often happens." "Yes, you are the image of her—except for the moustache, of course." "But I have no moustache.". ■ "My wife has."

A customer approached Lapidus's pushcart and asked the price of herring. "Today," smiled the merchant, "I'm hevink a spacial on herrinks. Six cents itch." "Six cents!" protested ihe customer. "Vhy, dorm de stritt is a man who's sellink herrink for a nickel. And it's de same herrink." "I know, I know," said Lapidus proudly. "Batt I'm wrappink mine in later editions!" The critic started to leave in the middle of the second act of the play. "Don't go now," said the manager. "I promise there's a terrific kick in the next act." "Fine," was the retort; "give it to the author." Mother: Marilyn, were you a good little girl at church today? Marilyn: Yes,: mother. A man offered me a big plate of money, and I said, "No, thank you." Mistress (to new maid): So far as your evening out is concerned, I'm prepared to meet you half way. • Maid: No need of you to, ma'am—l'm not afraid to come home in the dark. * Mother: After all, he's only a boy and boys will sow their wild oats. v Father: Yes, but I wouldn't mind if he didn't mix in so much rye. v An Aberdonian on a visit to a friend in London overstayed his welcome. It was getting towards Christmas and his host thought a kindly hint would have the desired result. "Don't you think," he said, "that your wife and family will want you to be with them at Christmas?" "Mon," replied the Aberdonian, "1 believe you're richt. It's rale thochtfu' o* you. I'll send for them."

. "Sir, the enemy are before us as thick as peas!" "All right, shell them!" A London Coroner is telling the story of a death certificate which reached him recently. In the column reserved for "cause of death" the doctor had signed his own name. The Coroner returned the certificate with a note which said: "This may be true, but don't you think we had better have some scientific reason as well?" Mother (to small son who is going to a party): Now, dear, what are you going to do when you've had enough to eat? Little Tommy: Come home. Smith entered a big London store and made his way to the gardening department. "1 want three lawnmowers," he said. The assistant stared hard at him. "Three, sir?1:' he echoed. "You must have a very big estate." "Nothing of the kind," snapped Smith grimly. "I have two neighbours." Customer (pointing to laundry parcel): Is that my name in Chinese? Laundryman (hesitatingly): N-no. Customer (curiously): It is some kind of identifying mark. What is it? Laundryman: Just descliption. Means li'l fat man, clooked nose, no teeth. Wife: I'm reading a mystery book. Husband: Why, that looks like our household budget. Wife: It is. The quantity of "lost property" .collected from vehicles in this country every year shows that we are a nation of absent-minded people, and at the same time it helps to preserve our reputation of being good losers!

The Slowtown Amateur Dramatic Society was giving a show, and a recently-joined member was given a part with one sentence.

He was the headsman and, arrayed in black tights and mask, he strode on to the stage.

"My lord, my lord, I have beheaded the maid!" he cried.

"Oh, you have, part was that of me tell you, you'v done it two acts 1

, have you!" cried Binks, whose a cruel king. "Well, then, let 'c spoilt the whole show. You've too soon."