Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXVI, Issue 80, 1 October 1938, Page 27

Wit and Humour

INFALLIBLE. Smith (new to gardening): Can you tell me a good way to grow a nice patch of grass? Jones (an old hand): Yes. Lay a gravel path. I QUITE PLAIN. i "For the life of me I cannot understand why my daughter wastes so much time and money on her face," remarked her father to a visitor. "H'm!" exclaimed the visitor. "It's plain to see!" ; BY THE BILL. "Is it a good show?" "Well, not bad. They advertise a beauty chorus of seventy, you know, and quite a number of them don't look a day over sixty-five." NOT SO WELL. Brown: My dog has art trouble. Jones: You mean heart trouble. Brown: No, I mean art trouble. He a tube of paint and has been off colour ever since. WILLING TO WAIT. "Three pounds a week!" exclaimed the agent. "Why at that rate it would take you 300 years to pay for this magnificent yacht." "Oh, well, it's worth it."

! PROGRESS. "So he's teaching you to swim? How much have you learned so far?" "That he's twenty-one, single, and has a good job." SUITED HIM. Visitor: You mean to tell me that you've lived in this out-of-the-way village for over thirty years? I can't see what there is to keep you busy. Villager: No more can I. That's why I like it. MORE DIFFICULT. James had obtained a position as a butler and become very friendly with the other servants of the house. "In my last place I used to take things fairly easily," he said. "Well, it's different here," exclaimed one of the servants. "They keep everything locked up." PIN MONEY? A Scotsman entered the post office and asked the postmaster for a sixpenny postal order. The postmaster looked up at Mac and said: So you are going to have a go at the pools this week, Mac? Mac retorted: It is a pity that you can't mind your own business. Can't a man send money home to his wife without you asking questions?

WHAT A SHOCK. It was Friday night, and Sandy turned up his wages to his wife. ! "Look here, Sandy, there is sixpence short." "Yes, Mary Ann. We had an explosion at the works, and the foreman docked me for the time I was in the air." CLOSE OF PLAY. "1 must say you're a wonderfully young-looking man for 70." "But you should see rtfy father. He's 92 and he's got 25 children." "Why don't you inform the newspapers?" "Not till I get the final score." EGGS NOT INCLUDED. A Scottish farmer had agreed lo deliver 20 hens to the local poulterer. When the birds arrived, however, the shopkeeper found that there were only 19 in the case. Just before the shop closed for the night the farmer came hurrying to the poulterer's office, bringing the twentieth hen. "Man" said the poulterer, "but you're late with this one!" "Ay," agreed the other. "But she didna'-lay until this afternoon!" A TACKLER'S TALE. A tackier in an East Lancashire tpwn was running along the main street, his face was red, his veins sticking out. and he was perspiring freely. ! A pal stopped him and asked where he was going in Such a hurry. The tacklsr replied in a very squeaky (voice: "Don't stop me, don't stop me. I'm tekking this muffler . back to t'stores. It's that tight it's nearly choking me." LOOKING AHEAD. A young fellow was seen picking up cigarette ends and then throwing them away again. A passer-by, taking pity on the lad, said: "Here you are—here's 3. ci_2£UT©ttc" He accepted it and then proceeded to take the cork tip off. j "Don't you like cork tips?" said the dondr. , _ I "Oh, yes," replied the youth, "but I am going to join the navy soon and I'm saving them to make a lifebelt." ; BUSINESS. Isaacs, an outfitter, had bought half a dozen cheap shirts for which he could find no sale, so he consulted Levinsky, a fellow-tradesman, as to how he should dispose of them. "Why," said Levinsky, "send them to MacCohen, and enclose an invoice for five shirts. MacCohen will think you've made a mistake and take the six shirts and pay you for five, and, after all, that's better than not selling them at all." Isaacs said he would try this. A week later the two met again, and Levinsky asked Isaacs if the ruse had worked.

"Levinsky," said Isaacs, "you tried to ruin me. I sent the six shirts to MacCohen with an invoice for five, and he sent back five shirts with a note to say he didn't want them."

POSITIVE PROOF. She: I could not marry a man without character. You must prove that you have backbone. He: Would a doctor's certificate be sufficient? NECK AND NECK. A voluble Frenchman was giving evidence in an important law case, and the reporters were having a difficult time. The more they exerted themselves, the faster he went. They had almost reached the point of exhaustion when he turned to them and shouted: "Not so fast! Not so fast! Don't write so fast! How do you think I can keep up with you?" IMPROVING WITH AGE. - "My grandmother," announced Brown to the world in general, "is a wonderfully strong old lady. When I last saw her she was sitting at the fireside, patiently knitting." "Indeed!" scoffed the listener. "And I Suppose that proves her strength?" "Well, not exactly," replied Brown, quietly. "But if you had seen her as, I saw her—knitting wire-netting with a couple of crowbars—l guess you'd agree that she's tough for her age." READY FOR DUTY. The colonel, just home from Poona, walked down to the local inn for a nightcap. Before long a meek-looking little man called out to the landlord. "Take away the empties, George. They're like the British Army." This was too much for the colonel, who jumped up and demanded an explanation and an apology for what he termed an insult. "There was no insult, sir," replied the little man, with a smile. "They've done their duty, and now they are ready to do it again." The colonel quickly paid for the round. CULBERTSON CORNER. A particularly interesting example of Squeeze" play occurred the other night during the finals of the Doubleton Parva mixed pairs. At table 4, South (Major Bluebottle) playing against a contract of four hearts (doubled), squeezed his partner's foot in an attempt to make her lead a club up to his ace-queen. Entirely misapprehending his motive North (a spirited girl whose name we've forgotten) sprang to her feet, blushing furiously, and knocking the table for six. "No better than I should be I may be," cried North, "but there's them as had ought to keep themselves to themselyes,. them being military gentlemen, so called, and such as should not stoop to act so familiar." And fetching the Major a smart crack on the bean with a scorer, she flung out of the Parish Hall, cheeks aflame.

The penalty for this, according to Culbertson, is 6000 points or bread and water for a week. It's a small world, isn't it?

VERY LIKELY. Old Lady: So, although you stayed over two years in Ireland,-you couldn't get a job. . Tramp: Not at me trade, mum. Old Lady: And what is your trade? Tramp: I'm a snake-charmer, mum. FAIR DO'S! A young lady was wrathful with her friend. "You are mean," she said. "You particularly promised not to give away that secret I told you—especially to Maudie!" "But I didn't give it away, dear," the friend assured her. "I exchanged it for one about Ethel!" a ABSENT-MINDED. A youth went m\p a stationer's shop and asked for some perfumed stationery. The young lady served him, and then he said, "And some nice coloured ink, please." "Violet, sir?" asked the assistant. "Er —no," he replied absently. "Joan." FITTING. Engaged Sister: When we are married, dear, we must have a hyphenated name—it's so much smarter. What would go well with Eaton? Her Small Brother (from behind the door): Moth! IT CERTAINLY DID. The auctioneer held up a pair of antique silver candlesticks. "Will someone give me a start?" he began. "Fourpence," came a reply. j "What's that?" queried the . auctioneer. "Ah," retorted the bidder, "I thought that would give you a start!"

A man very much the worse for drink was in the tube train, but did not quite know where he was going. He asked his equally inebriated friend what the time was. "Choosday," said the friend sleepily. The other sat up with a jerk. "Choosday," he repeated; "then I had better get back, for that's tomorrow!" A very old farmer who had never left his village in his life went up to London to visit his married daughter. He was fascinated by the pavements. He moved his feet about on the hard surface, and, turning to his daughter, remarked:— "Well, I don't blame 'em for building a town here. The ground is too hard to plough, anyway." "When were you born!" demanded the Magistrate. I No reply. j "Did you hear what I said?" came the question in angry tones. "When is your birthday?" "What do you care?" grunted the | prisoner sulkily. "You ain't goin' to give me nothink, are you?" A small slum child was sent into | the country to recuperate after an illness, and was ordered a glass of new I milk every day to "feed him up." On ! the second day, however, he refused the j milk, and when asked why he replied: "In London we gets our milk out of a noice clean bottle; dahn 'ere you gets it out of a dirty 'ole cow!" The new minister, on a round of visits, arrived at a farmhouse. He was asked if he would like something to drink —a cup of tea, perhaps? "No tea for me, .thank you." "Coffee, perhaps?" "No coffee for me, thank you." The old farmer whispered, "Whisky and soda?" "No soda for me, .thank you." The doctor had overhauled his patient. "You confess that you are bad tempered," he said. "I suppose you know that science has discovered that your bad temper is caused by an ugly little microbe?" . ' . "Hush!" said the patient, with fear m his tones. "For goodness sake speak quietly, doctor! She's sitting in the next room." Two men walking through some fields met a farmer with his dog. The dog sat down and began to howl. * "What on earth's the matter with that dog?" asked one of the men. "Oh, he's just lazy," replied' the farmer. "But there must be something wrong for him to howl like that." "Oh, no. He's sitting ori a thistle, and he's too lazy to get up!"' The memory expert had been giving his turn in the village hall. The audience had not been very enthusiastic, and the questions asked at the end oi the show infuriated the man. When one dear old lady came up and asked him to what he attributed his remarkable memory, he thought it was time to call it a day. "Well; madam," he explained, with a straight face, "when I was in the Air Force I once had to make a record parachute jump from a height never before attempted. Just as I jumped from the plane, the pilot leaned over the side and yelled, 'Hi, you've forgotten your parachute!' , "And, believe it or believe it not, madam, that taught me a lesson, and I've never forgotten anything since." The flames shot upwards; the smoke curled in clouds around the doomed building. , , Suddenly a young woman rushed up to one of the firemen. "Oh," she cried, "save it for me! Save it!" She pointed to a second-floor window, and without a word the fireman rushed to do her bidding. "How old was it?" asked one of the bystanders. "Only a month!" sobbed the woman. "And look!"—as the figure of the fireman could be seen coming down the ladder again. "He has failed! He's coming back without it! Oh, what shall I do?"

The fireman approached. "I'm. sorry," he said, "but I could find no child."

"Child?" cried the woman. "I said nothing about a child!" "Then what was it?" they asked her.

"it was my b-b-bicycle!" she sobbed. I'd only had it a month—on the hirepurchase system, tool"