Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXV, Issue 36, 12 February 1938, Page 26

Wit and Humour

The jealous husband spied his wife dancing with too much abandon. He glided up to her on the dance floor.

"Everybody's staring at you, Jane," he whispered. "You'd better tell your partner not to dance so close to you." "You'd better tell him, honey," answered the wife. "I don't even know the guy." "Give me the works, hair cut, singe, and shampoo—and trim my moustache and beard." Looking around: And where shall I put my cigar? The Barber: Would you just as soon keep it in your mouth, so I'll have a landmark to work from? "I have had a very bad attack of hay fever," said Giles. "I am sorry," said his friend, taking a small box from his pocket. "Here, try some of this." "Is it good?" "Wonderful. I've had hay fever for thirty years, and never used anything else." A Sunday school teacher was giving a lesson on the Fall. Question: "Have you ever wondered why it was a woman who first tasted the forbidden fruit and thus brought sin into the world?" Dead silence. "Come, now, why wasn't it a man?" Bright little girl: Please, teacher, wasn't the story written by a man?

Visitor: A lonely sort of spot to live in, this. What do you do for a doctor if you are ill? Native: We don't much bother about doctors in these parts. We mostly dies natural deaths. Tram conductor: I'm glad nobody got off at that stopping place? Inspector: Why? "I called the wrong name." Passer-by: Why don't you give your brother a bite of your apple? Tommy: I've given him the seeds. He can plant them and have a whole orchard to himself. Judge: Is there any reason why I should not sentence you to ten years' hard labour? Prisoner: Well, your Honour, I can t think of one. But.maybe my lawyer can—that's what I hired him for. "Pa, what does it mean here by diplomatic phraseology?" "My son. if you tell a girl that time stands still while you gaze into her eyes, that's diplomacy, but if you tell her that her face would stop a clock you're in for it." Tom paced up and down, in a fever of anxiety. What a dreadful thing waiting is,,he reflected, when one could do nothing but wait. Dear Joan, he thought, with a rush of feeling, what pluck women had. It seemed unfair that she should face the business alone. Still, after all, she had wanted it as much as he had. One thing—we shan't be going out so much, he thought, so we shall save money that way. When he had left for work that morning she had told him today was the day they had both been waiting for. How cheerful she had been, too, and full of confidence when she had "Don't worry, darling. This is a woman's job." He listened anxiously. What was that noise? Hurrying to the front door, he flung it open. "Did you get it?" he asked his wife, who was just emerging from the car, looking very dishevelled. . "I beat everyone to it, she cried, and pointed triumphantly to the brandnew wireless set, latest short-wave, offered at half-price for one day only. The teacher was giving a health talk to her class, and warned them never to kiss animals or birds. "Can you give me an instance of the dangers' of this, Jackie?" she asked. "Yes, miss, my Aunt Alice used to kiss her dog." . "And what happened?" asked the teacher. "It died." Enthusiastic real estate agent (showing mod:rnistic house). "There's not a flaw in the entire house." Customer: "Do you mean to say they're leaving those out, too? Joan aged five, was speaking to her father 'on the telephone for the first time. As it was a little above her reach, her mother tipped the mouthpiece down towards her. "Oh don't do that, mummy, she.exclaimed, "daddy might fall out." Nuwcdd, a newcomer to the suburb, looked dazed and weary. His neighbour inquired the reason "My wife," said Nuwedd hoarsely. "She told me to take our old tomcat and lose it, so I put the beastly thing in a basket and tramped into the country for about six miles." He paused for breath. "Well," put in the neighbour, "did you lose it?" "Lose it!" gasped Nuwedd. "If I had not followed if I should never have found my way home!"

They had gone to Morocco for a holiday, and joined a party of tourists on an expedition to the mountains. Reaching a narrow pass, the car stopped, and the guide dismounted. "From this point the road is only passable for mules," he informed the party, "so I must ask the ladies and gentlemen to get out and continue the journey on foot." He: Can you make the cakes that my mother used to make? ■ She: Yes, if you can put up with the indigestion father used to have. Mrs. Brown: I hear that the vicar thinks your daughter has a real genius for reciting, Mrs. Smith. Mrs. Smith: Yes. All she wants, he says to me, is a course of electrocution, just to finish 'er off, like. "Please, madam," asked the tramp, "have you any dinner for a hungry man?" , , , "Yes," snapped the woman, and he will be home at twelve to eat it." The Scottish business chief called his oldest employee in. "Angus," he said, "we've had a good year, and so Im going to give you a cheque for £50. Sandy was most grateful. As he was leaving the room the employer said, "Yes, and if we have another good year next year, I'll sign it."

He: I've wanted to ask you a question for weeks. She: And I've had the answer ready for months. "John's in the fireworks manufacturing business now." "How's he getting on?" So far, all the reports are favourable." He: I was out with a nurse last night. She: Never mind. Maybe your mother will let you go out without one some day if you're good. Young Actor: I've got a job at last, dad! It's a new play and I'm a man who has been married twenty years. His Father: Splendid! That's a start, anyway, my boy. And maybe one of these days they'll give you a speaking part. "Be careful when you dust those pictures, Mary," said the mistress; "they're all old masters." "Goodness, madam," exclaimed the maid, "I had no idea you had been married so many times!" "In my profession one never knows what the next day will be like." "You are in a Government office?" "No, I edit weather reports." "Oh, what a time we had! I just don't know how I ever came through! First I got angina pectoris, and then pneumonia, followed 'by arterio sclerosis and phthisis, after which they gave me hypodermis. Then I had barely recovered from these when I got tuberculosis, with appendicitis, followed by tonsillotomy. Yes, indeed, it was the hardest spelling test I've ever had." A short-sighted old man went to choose a pair of spectacles. "These glasses," he said, "are not strong enough for me." "But, sir, they are No. 2," replied the assistant. '•What is next to No. 2?" "No. 1." "And after that?" "After No. 1, sir, you will want a dog." "Yus and when I carries 'is bag up 'c slips something in my 'and, and he sez, 'There, ma laddie, that's for a cup of tea.'" "Wot was it—a penny?" "No, a lump of sugar." First Policeman: It's a publicity gag, I tell you! Second Policeman: What is? First Policeman: Diana Dearhart, the actress, just phoned in and said she had lost some pork chops in a taxicab. The butler entered her ladyship's boudoir and coughed awkwardly. "What is it now, James?" she asked, tersely. "It's his lordsip, my lady." said James nervously. "He's just sent me a note to say that he's going off on a brief hipliday, and he desires me to forward his drawing materials." "Well, well," she exclaimed, "isn't that plain enough?" "Hardly, my lady." replied James. "I don't know whether to send his paints and brushes or a couple of corkscrews." The members of a football team were seated in a train on their way to an away match. Ten of them were reading, when suddenly the eleventh broke out into deep and awful groans. The rest of the team looked at him anxiously, and one of them forced a flask of brandy between his teeth. "How do you feel now?" he asked. "Fine," said the invalid. "What was the matter, anyway?" "Matter! Why, nothing. What should be the matter?" "Then why were you groaning?" asked the owner of the brandy. "Groaning? I wasn't groaning. I was singing,"

EGGS-ACTLY. The guest glanced up and down the menu with enthusiasm. "Oh, well," he decided finally, "you may bring me a dozen fried oysters." "Ah's very sorry, sah," said the coloured waiter, "but. we's out ob all shellfish, exceptin' eggs." SHE DIDN'T KNOW. The boxer's young wife was listen-ing-in to a radio commentary on. her husband's fight. "Ah!" exclaimed the commentator, "Jimmy Slogg has just stopped a terrific right with his jaw!" "Bravo, Jim!" breathed Mrs. Slogg, "Keep stopping 'em!" ' ■ .T'.J?- L'(. SUSPECT. Jack was home on his first leave from the Navy, and his old father was admiring his uniform. "What I can't understand," said the old man, after a moment, "is why they make the trousers so wide at the bottom." "Oh," explained Jack, "that's so we can roll them up quickly." "Well, you're no son of mine," the old man warned him, "if you fight with your feet. It's your jacket sleeves that ought to be wide at the bottom!" BUSINESS INSTINCT. "You will observe," said the schoolmaster, "that the higher the altitude, the colder the temperature becomes." "But isn't it warmer up in the mountains" asked the boy at the bottom of the class, the son of the local ironmonger. "Certainly not," replied the master, "why do you think it would be warmer there?" "I thought," answered the youngster, "that the atmosphere was heated by the mountain ranges." TWO SIZES LARGER. "Heard the latest news about Newrich?" "No—what now?" "He bought a Louis XIV bed, but it was too small for him, so he sent it back and asked for a Louis XVI." ANOTHER RECORD. Magistrate: Are you sure the prisoner was drunk? Policeman: No, sir, not positive, but his wife says he brought home a manhole cover, and tried to play it on the gramophone. TANNED. The small boy from the highlands was on his first visit to Glasgow. Suddenly he drew his mother's attention to a shop window in which several pairs of ■ brown boots were displayed. "Look ma," he shouted, "the sun must be awfu' strong in Glesca. A' the buits are sun-burnt." MAYFAIR MURMURS. The Friend: She looks nice enough to eat. The Fiance: She does, too. PHENOMENAL. Ethel: Last night Jim tried to put his arm round me three times. Betty: I say, some arm! BETTER THAN NOTHING. In an Irish court an old man was once called into the witness-box. He was nearly blind, and mistook the steps that led into the witness-box; instead he mounted those that led up to the Bench. The Judge smiled at the mistake and asked him jocularly: "Is it a Judge you want to be, my good man?" "Ah, faith, thin, your Honour," was the reply, "I am an ould man now and maybe it is all I'm fit for." THE OPEN MIND. Woman (about to attend a political meeting): I'm not prejudiced at all. I'm going with a perfectly open and unbiased mind to listen to what I'm convinced is pure rubbish. UNIMPRESSED. Two farmers were standing on the station platform when a lady passed, dressed in the height of fashion. "There, George," said one, "what's think o' that, lad?" Georee eyed the stylish Tady for a few minutes and then said: "Ay, well, it's poor ground that takes so much top-dressing." HE KNEW. The small boy who had seen the accident was put in the witness-box. "Now," • iid the Judge kindly, "do you know the nature of an oath?" "Yes," replied the little man, "I'm a caddie." WANTED. A determined man strode on to the fair ground and made for the circus. "Where is the man who can saw a woman in half?" he inquired. "Do you want him?" asked the attendant, warily. "Yes, I have a job of work for him." The meeting was enthusiastic, time was short, and the speakers many, but the chairman, an ardent rftotorist, put the situation admirably with the advice, "Please bear in mind the longer the spoke the bigger the tire." "Now, if I write 'n-e-w' on the blackboard, what does that spell?" "New." "Now, I'll put a 'k' in front of it, and what have we?" "Canoe." She: Henry, dear, we've been going together now for more than ten years. Don't you think we ought to get married? He: Yes, you're right—but who'll have us? Mrs. Brown (to new cook who has burned the bacon): Fortunately, my husband has not to be at the office till ten. It's a good job, isn't it? Cook: Not 'arf, mum. 'Ow did 'c get it? Small Boy: Mummy, may I go in to swim? Mother: Certainly not, my dear; it's far too 'deep. Boy: But daddy is swimming. Mother: Yes, dear, but he's insured. The old man went to a bookstall and asked the attendant, "Can you let me have a copy of the 'Daily Roarer' for a week back?" , , .... "Certainly," said the attendant, "but don't you think a mustard plaster would be better if it is really troublesome?" The lady of the house was going to stay with her mother for a fortnight, and before she left she gave instructions to her husband about the care of her pet Pekingese. ■ "Mary," she said, indicating the mam, "will look after her during the day, but I want you to be sure and take her out for an hour or so every evenHer spouse promised faithfully. , When she returned home, her first thought was for her beloved pet Fondling the dog in her arms, she asked Mary if her husband had kept his Pr°To lSbe sure he did," replied the maid, "and I enjoyed it, too. We used to go to a different place every night.'1 Widow: I'd like you to paint my late husband's portrait from this photograph And do you think you could remove that nasty old bowler hat? Artist: Certainly, madam. At which side did your husband part his hair? Widow (hesitating): Oh, let me see, I really don't remember. But there, you'll see when you take his hat off. Clergyman: And what does your mother give you for being a good girl? Little Girl: She\ lets me stay away from church on Sundays. It was a sunny afternoon, and the students, anxious to remind the professor that time was passing, began to make various noises. | "Be patient, gentlemen," said the professor, "I have only a few more pearls to cast!" Levy: Give me a penny to see the sea serpent, Fadder. Isaac: Don't be vasteful. Here's a , magnifying glass. Go and find a worm.

You must read six other columns in this paper to learn the meaning of the word displayed below. In association with other words they form the name of a great motion picture. Cut out tha seven words you find and so paste them on a sheet of paper that they spell the name of the film. Post your result to "Competition." Bos 1358, Wellington. First correct response will receive £1/1/-; second, 10/6. The next twelva will receive free admissions to see ths picture. " , EH Paste correctly. Add your name ancfe address and post before midnight Monday;] nest. ■