Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXIV, Issue 69, 18 September 1937, Page 26

Wit and Humour

SOUGHT AFTER.

COMPLIMENTS

Manager: From your references I see I you've had four places in the last month. Applicant: Yes, sir. That shows how much in demand I am. INFORMATION. Maid: I can give a better kiss than you. Surprised Mistress: What! Has my husband been— Maid: Oh, no, madam. The chauffeur told me. HE KNEW. The teacher was taking a class of boys, and said reprovingly, "John McTavish, your mouth is open." "I ken," said John. "I opened it masel'." OVERDUE. Motorist: I've had my car a whole year, and I haven't paid a penny for repairs since I bought it. Friend: Yes, so the' man at the garage tells me. NO SHORE LEAVE FOR COOK. Captain: Where are you going with that saw? Messboy: The cook says we're out of firewood and sent me to cut up the ship's log.

When Mrs. Maggs and Mrs. Daggs met in the street, both dressed in thenbest, they stopped to exchange mutual admiration. "My!" exclaimed Mrs. Maggs, admiringly, "you do look a lady, whatever you might be!" Mrs. Daggs was not to be outdone. "And you, my dear," she gushed, "are a lady, however you may look." SLIPPED HIS MEMORY. Mr. Newrich was spending a few odd thousand to brighten up the walls of the castle he had just purchased. In a dealer's shop he took a fancy to a work of art. "Let me see, now," he said, "who painted this picture?" "It is a lithograph," said the dealer coldly. "Why, yes," Newrich hastily agreed, "I knew I ought to recognise his style." CHEESE IT! "Whatever are we coming to next?" said Sam. "They say there's a mouse going to sing on the wireless." "Extraordinary!" exclaimed Bill, "but I bet we don't get the performance on our miserable set."

"Why not?" said Sam. "Well, fathead," he answered, "do you think it could get past a cat's whisker?"

HANDY. "Is your husband a handy man about the home?" "Yes, he certainly can knock anything together I want. Why, only yesterday I needed a box in which to keep rubbish. Do you know, within half an hour he had made me a splendid box out of the top of our piano, the side of our gramophone cabinet, and the drawer of our writing bureau." WHACKED. Stage Manager: Now then, hurry up. Run up the curtain. New Stage Hand: That's done it I've managed every job so far. I've worked like a donkey, jumped like an antelope, and climbed like a monkey, but I'm 'anged if I can make a squirrel of myself. POSITIVELY NO CHANCE. "No," said the proprietor of the wayside cafe, "I don't want' any slot machines which involve gambling." "That's quite all right," replied the travelling salesman. "These are not gambling machines. The customer hasn't a chance." NEVER AGAIN. He was spouting with great vigour against corporal punishment for boys,' which he declared never did any good. "Take my own case." he exclaimed. ' I was never caned' but once in my life, and that was for speaking the truth. "Well," retorted somebody in the audience, "it cured you." ENOUGH FOR ALL.: A man entered a big store and made his way to the gardening department. "I want three lawn mowers," he said. The clerk stared at him. "Three, sir?" he echoed. "You must have a very large estate." "Nothing of the kind," said the man, grimly. "I have two neighbours!"