Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXIV, Issue 57, 4 September 1937, Page 26

Wit and Humour

"Hey, you two, handle that gunpowder carefully!" . "Why?" they asked. * "Don't you know that some of that same stuff exploded last month and killed seven men?" "Well," one of the two replied "that couldn't happen now. There are only two of us here." He was hardly the brightest boy in the school. In fact, his teacher thought that he would never make a really good carpenter, as he seemed to learn nothing at all about woodwork during I the course of instruction. 1 At last the day came when this dull youth- was to be examined, before being recommended for a job. "Now," said the examiner, anxious to find out what he knew, "how would you make a Venetian blind?" "Oh," answered the candidate, "that's an easy one to me! I should,poke him in the eye with a screwdriver." A and B were having a round of golf, and were both searching for A's ball, which was lost in the rough. After a minute, or two A said: "I got my ball." Now what ought B to do, knowing all the time that he has A's ball in his pocket? ' . ■ . "What are you, anyway?" shouted Mrs. Henpeck during the quarrel. "A man or a mouse?" » "A man," answered Henpeck bitterly. "If I were a mouse you would be up on that table yelling for help."

Mrs. T.: Bobby, little Tommy Jenkins told me you were caned in school today. What was that for? Bobby: Teacher told us to write a composition on, the result of laziness, and I sent in 'my page blank! THE MAN PAYS. "I suppose you'd be surprised if I gave you a cheque for your birthday present, George?" said Mrs. Robinson. "Indeed!" replied her husband. [ "Well; here it is-^-all made out 'and ready'for you to sign." BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. "Hurry up with that game boys." said the village, fireman, "there's a fire in the next village." "How do you know?" "I had a postcard this morning." HE COULD DO IT.' A clean shaven subaltern joined the Guards depot. . "You must grow a moustache," declared the adjutant. "Yes, sir." "Arid not a miserable Chaplin affair —a proper moustache, understand." "Yes, sir." ' "Well,, that's all. What are you hanging about for?" "Any particular colour, sir?" TOO MUCH. Two hired,hands from neighbouring farms were telling each other their troubles. One was complaining about not getting enough to eat. "Just this morning," he said, "the cook says to me, 'Do you know how many pancakes you've eaten already this morning?' I told her I didn't have occasion to count 'em. 'Well,' says she, 'that last one was the twenty r sixth.' And it made me so hot I got up from the table and went to work without my breakfast." THE LAST WORD. "When you've got the working week down to a minimum, what will you do then?" •■■••■• "We will strike for a 30-minute hour." Mistress: Did you water the rubber plant? 'Maid: Why ma'am, I thought it was water-proof. . NOTHING TO GRUMBLE AT. The tennant of a new house was complaining to his "landlord about its condition. , ' "It's disgraceful! Why, there's grass coming up through the floor boards in the drawing room!" "Oh, we'll soon settle that," said the landlord. "I'll send a man round with a lawn mower." HIGH TIME. During a session of court there was so much talking and laughter going on' that the judge, becoming much provoked, shouted: "Silence! Order in the.Court!; We have decided half a dozen cases nere this morning, and I haven't heard a word of one of 'em! Silence!" SPEECHLESS. Two Irishmen were working together in a quarry. Suddenly one of them fell down a deep hole and disappeared from sight. His mate, tftoroughly alarmed, came to the edge «* the hole and looked over. "Arrah, Pat!" he called. "Are ye alive? If ye ewi't spake tell me." "Yes, Moike, Oi'm alive. But.Oi'm spachless." SETTLED. An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were arguing as to which of their respective countries had the lightest men. The Irishman, full tilt at the obvious, led with, "We have men of Cork." The Scotsman, "Yes, but we have men of Ayr." ' "But," said the Cockney, "we have lightermen on the Thames." It was enough.

"What's happened, George?" the wife inquired as her husband got out of the car to investigate. "Puncture," he replied briefly. "You should have been more careful," she said. "The guide book warned us there was a fork in the road at this point." "Did you behave?" asked an interested relative when Jack returned from church. "Course I did," replied Jack. "I heard the lady at the back of us say she never saw a child behave so!" Two Officers walked into a hotel in Salonica and ordered Turkey without Greene. "I am sorry," said the waiter, "but I cannot Servia." "Oh," replied the Officers, "then you must call your Bosphorus." The head waiter came in and said, "I do not want to Russia, but you cannot Rumania." So the Officers had no dinner. ■ A Manchester commercial traveller met another "knight of the road" in the dining car. "Of course, you're from Lancashire?" said the latter. The Manchester man replied that he was, and asked why the question had been asked. "Oh, I was just accounting for your accent," was the reply. Then the Manchester man said— "And "where do you come from?" "Worcester," replied the other, innocently. ■ " . • "Ah, well." remarked the other, "now I can account for your sauce."

NOT ALL IS VANITY. Chorus Girl: I stand in front of my mirror for hours admiring my beauty.' I suppose you call it vanity? Friend: No, imagination. ' HM-M! ' ■ :•.•■• "Is the head of the house in, Sonny?" asked the agent. .. • "No, sir; there's nobody home but Dad and me." NON-STOP. Mr.'Henpecfc: My wife won't let me sleep; she talks at me the whole night long. .■.-.. ■'■■.. ■ • '. ■ Solicitor: Nonsense. She sleeps, doesn't: she?' Mr. Henpeck: Yes, but her teeth keep chattering from force of habit after she lays them on the table. 1 BRIGHT BUCOLIC. A stranger addressed the farmer's boy across the fence. "Young man, your corn looks kind o' yellow." "Yes, that's the kind we planted." "Don't look as if you'd get more than half a crop." • "Don't expect to. The landlord gets the other half." "Boy," said the stranger after a .pause, "There isn't much between you and a fool." ' "No," replied .the boy, "only the fence." OVERSIGHT. Mistress: You're leaving tomorrow? Why, I thought you were supposed to give me a week's notice., Cook: I know, ma'am, but I forgot to tell you last week. : SAFETY FIRST. "Papa, may I go out today and look at the, eclipse?" "Yes, but don't get top close!" "Do you know' that Mr.- Softman I was just speaking to?" asked a guest at a tea party of a woman standing next to her. '.-■■■ :. "Oh, yes," was the reply. "I suppose he says those sweet things to all the women he meets?" "No, he never says them to me." "Indeed! and you know him?" . "Oh, yes—l'm his wife!" "BULLS." A clergyman took occasion to reprove some of his congregation for sleeping in church,\ and observed that it was one of those sins that people committed, with their eyes open. After a crowded service an old lady in church was heard to say, "If everybody else would only do as I do, and stay quietly in their seats till everyone had gone out, there would be no crush at the door." An Irish Methodist clergyman, in an outburst against the Devil and all. his works, consigned his Satanic majesty to "the bottom of the bottomless pit." An Irish servant girl wrote home to her sister that the people she was with were so rich that their flannel petticoats were made of silk. Here is another domestic "bull" worthy of a place, in any collection: Mistress, "Why don't you keep the baby quiet, Kate?" "I can't keep him quiet, ma'am, unless I let him make a noise." • ■, ' ■ ■ The old churchyard notice must also find a place in this collection: "No one buried here but those living in the parish." , ' : THE LONG TRAIL. He was baffled at every turn, but he went on and on. He knew that if only he coultji keep going long enough he would finally reach the sea. He lost all count of time. All he could think of was- that moment when he would leave this bewildering expanse and feel the salt tang in his nostrils; it was a moment worth striving for, and his step quickened. Now his way lay uphill, but his stride remained firm; he felt that any minute now his wanderings would end, his quest prove successful. And, sure enough, soon afterwards he staggered triumphantly from the maze of corridors, shops, pleasure-halls, and palm-lounges on. to the luxury liner's promenade-deck.

LABOUR-SAVING. "Oh, John," exclaimed the young mother happily, "the baby can walk!" "Good for him!" returned the father. "Now he can walk the floor with himself at night." NEVER FALL. "What's the ■ most potent water power known to man?" "A woman's tears." HM-M! "I don't need none!" said the lady of the house before the agent had opened his mouth. "How do you know?" he returned. "I might be selling grammars." SHAKE! Said one salesman: I made some very valuable contacts today. The other salesman replied: I didn't make any sales either,. EXPLICIT. "Pardon me, does this train stop at Tenth Street?" "Yes, watch me and get off one station before I do." "Thank you." THRIFTY. An Aberdeen terrier was accustomed to take a penny each day to' the baker's for a bun, but one day buried the coin in 'the garden. His mistress was puzzled until she saw a notice hanging in the bakers window, "Seven for 6d." SLOVTWORK. ■ The mistress of the house went into the kitchen to learn why dinner was so late and found her newly-acquired Irish cook wrestling with the pepperpot. "When are we going to have dinner, Bridget?" she asked. "Shure, ma'am, an' .it's meself can t say. I don't know how long it 11 be takin' me to get all this pepper in the thin? through the little holes in the top!" • THE ONE DIFFICULTY. Lady: Is it difficult to write well? Budding Author: Not at all, but it is difficult to make people realise that one does.' THE WONDER OF IT.' "Pat, Pat!" said the minister in reproach, "sinners stand on slippery ground." • „ ~ _, . "So Oi see, yer reverence." said Pat, "but faith, it's more than Oi can do. GETTING SATISFACTION. "Well," said the Englishman (you know him) to the Scot (you know him, too), as they alighted from the LondonGlasgow express, "it's been a long and tiring journey." . . , "Aye," said the Scot, "an' so it ought tae be, for the money." LOGIC! "How do you parse 'Mary milked the cow'?" asked the school teacher. "Cow is a noun, feminine gender, third person, singular number, and stands for Mary," replied Tommy Green. , . , ~ "Stands for Mary?" exclaimed the teacher. ~.. "Because," answered Tommy, - it the cow did not stand for Mary, how could Mary milk it?" ATTENTIVE BROTHERS. The principal of the young ladies' school beamed upon the proud parent. "You ought to be proud to be the father of such a happy family; all your sons appear to be devoted to their sistsrs '* "Happy family! Devoted!" gasped the visitor in amazement. ' May I ask what you mean?" • , "Well, no fewer than five of-Mollys brothers have been here to take her out walking." NOT' ONCE. ' The magician had called a small boy from the audience up on to the stage to help him with a trick. . . "Now, my boy," said the magician, "you have never seen me before, have y°"No. daddy," was the reply. HARD WINTER. Arctic Explorer: It was so cold where we were that the candle froze and we couldn't blow it out. ■• . Second Explorer: That's nothing. Where we were the words came out of our mouths in pieces of ice, and we had to fry them to see what we were talking about. JUST A MOMENT. "I am trying," said the stranger at the door of the seaside boarding-house —"I am trying to trace a lady whose married name I have forgotten. All I know is that she lives ill'this neighbourhood. • , , "But she is easily described," he went on. "Sheyis a lady of singular bfcauty and charm, ' with a pink-and-wnite complexion, ears like seashells, eyes like the stars, and hair such as a goddess might envy." "I'm sorry, sir," said the little ser-vant-girl. "But I don't know ——" Suddenly a voice came from the top of the stairs: "Jane, tell the gentleman I'll be down in a minute." A GREAT HELP. "I've an invention at last that will mean a fortune!" "What is it this time?" "Why, it's an extra key for a typewriter. When you don't know how to spell a word you.hit that key, and it makes a blur that might be an 'c, an 'a,' or almost anything else you like. MUSTN'T WASTE TIME. The rejected suitor arose with dignity to his full height. "Then this is absolutely final?" he asked. , ... "Quite," the girl calmly replied. "Shall I return your letters?" "Yes please. There's some very good material in them that I can use again!" ALL DEPENDS. Gent: This liquor won't cause any damage to my eyes, will it? Husky Bartender:"Not if you've got the money to pay for it! CHEAP TIME. "Young man," said the city merchant, severely, "I notice that you are almost invariably from 10 to 20 minutes late in getting to the office "I know, sir," replied the youth, "but you seem to set such a small value on my time that I didn't think it mattered much." EASY METHOD. "We never needed any of them newfangled scales in Ireland,. said O Hara. "There's an easy way to-weigh a pig without scales. You get a plank and put it across- a stool. Then you get a big stone. Put the pig on one end of the plank and the stone on the other, and shift the plank .until they balance. Then you guess the weight of the stone, and you have the weight of the pig;" FOR A BIG SPLASH. Angler (to friend): Yes, the fish was too small to bother with, so I got two men to throw it back into the water. THE AUTHOR. Box Office Clerk: Yes, sir, we have plenty of good seats. Inquirer: That's unfortunate. "Why?" , „ "I wrote the play. THE RETORT COURTEOUS. To start with, smith doesn't cut a cistinguished figure in . his evening clothes. In a fashionable restaurant the other night, as he stood near the door waiting for his wife, a tall, pompous Englishman came up and asked. "I say, my man, are you the head waiter?" , _ ~, " As quick as a flash Smith answered: "No but I heard him tell a young man this afternoon that he wasn't taking on any more help." WHEW! The American and the Irishman were trying to see which could tell the taller story. Said the American: .... "Well, I guess this beats everything! I once knew a man in the States who could take a 20-rung ladder into a field, stand it up on end, and then walk up •to the top and down again.' "Begorrah, that's jist nothin' at all.", replied Pat, not to be outdone. "Oi know a man1 In Oireland who can take the same ladder into a field, stand it on end, walk up to the top—an' then pull it up after him."—Answers. |