Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXIII, Issue 132, 5 June 1937, Page 26

Wit and Humour

Little Tommy came home from Sunday school with the distressing news that he had lost the penny given him for the collection.

"But that is three Sundays running you have lost your penny," his mother complained. "Well, I must win sooner or later, Tommy replied. "Fred's luck can't last for ever."

Here's a story that's going round and around in film circles. A dear old lady was taken by a dutiful nephew to see her first talkie. "Well, auntie," said the nice lad afterwards, "how do you like the talkies?" "Mm," quavered the old dear, doubtfully, "it was all right, but I think 1 prefer the old unspeakable films.

The owner of the cheap watch took it to the jeweller's bhop to see what could be done with it. "The mistake I made, of course," he explained, "was in dropping it." The jeweller shook his head sadly as he picked up the little heap of wheels and screws. "Well, I don't suppose you could help that." he said; "the mistake you made was in picking it up again."

Doctor: Ask the accident victim what his name is, so that we can notify hi." family. Nurse (a few minutes later): He say? his family knows his name, sir.

The conversation was on the fashionable topic—dieting. "Yes." said Fellowes, "I've eaten beef all my life." "Do you think it has done you any good?" she asked. "Good?" he returned confidently. "I feel as strong as an ox." "Ttfat's strange," she ventured. "I've been eating fish for about three months and I can't swim a stroke."

A fashionably-dressed woman approached a flower seller and asked for a shilling's wofth of blooms. After the purchase she inquired:— "Will you be here next Wednesday, as I want some flowers for my daughter? She's coming out on that day." "She shall have the best in the market, ma'am," the woman answered. "What's she in for?" "Of course," said Briggs, as he began to tackle the portion of chicken, "I may be wrong, but it rtrikes me that this chicken " "Well," snapped '.he landlady, "and what's the matter with the chicken?" Briggs shrugged his shoulders. "Oh, nothing—nothing," he said, offhandedly. "I was going to. say it is quite evident that the bird was an offspring of a hard-boiled egg." fessor was trying to make conversation- . "The Romans were fond of card games," he said. And the Sweet Young Thing responded eagerly: "Oh, yes, I know; wasn't it a man called Horatius who held*he first bridge party?" The weary business man held his head in his hands. "Jove," he exclaimed, "I wish I could go somewhere for a long holiday? Somewhere, anywhere, where I'd be entirely cut of! from the world." His friend looked sympathetic and asked: "Why don't you try a telephone-box, old chap?" "Your sister's a long time about making her appearance," suggested the caller. "Well," said the little brother, "she'd be a sight if she came down without making it." "Patience and perseverance will accomplish all things," said a passenger in a railway compartment. • "Nonsense, sir!" said a fellow-passenger. "Will patience and perseverance enable.you to carry water in a sieve?" "Certainly!" "I would like to know how?" "Simply by waiting patiently for the water to freeze." Mary: Do you know that my sweetheart is a riddle to me. " Jane: Yes, I know. I once gave him up myself.

"That letter 1 gave you this morning—did you post it?" asked .the wife. "WpII no dear," said her husband. "Of course you didn't. And I told you it was important, md it should go today.'/ ; "Yes, dear." "And you forgot to post it. If that s not just like a man!" "But, dear " "Don't 'but' me. I'm angry. "But, dear, look at the letter. You forgot to address/ it!" Among the instructions which Mrs. Brown had given to her new maid was to bring a glass of milk every morning at 7 o'clock. The first morning the girl brought in the glass clasped tightly in her hot hands. The mistress waf flabbergasted. "Jane," she said, "don't you ever do that again! Always bring it in on a tray." , The following morning Jane appeared at the door, with a worried look on her face and a tray full of milk in her hands. "Excuse me, mm," she said, dolefully, "but do I bring a spoon with this or do you lap it up?" Farmer (using telephone for first time): Send me a bushel of"oats. Voice over the Wire: Who are. they for? Farmer: Don't you be funny with me, my lad. They are for my horse. "Thank goodness I got away. I've just had to dance with the hostess. "No, I don't have to. I'm the host." Have you danced with her yet?" Teacher: Are" you sure you read your lessons over to yourself? < Little Marjorie: Yes, t but perhaps I wasn't listening.

TWO REASONS NOW. Mrs. Smith: You know, dear, you hold that umbrella over me every' bit. as nicely as beforfe we were married; in fact, you are even more careful. Mr. Smith: Yes, I have to pay for your dresses now. NO RAILROAD. Railway Surveyor: The company wants to run a line, through here. Farmer Giles: What! Through my big barn? "Yes." "Ah, well, they can't. I've got a hen sitting." ' NO HELP. Mother: When that naughty boy threw stones at you, why did you not come and tell me instead of throwing them back at him? Junior: What good would it do to tell you? You couldn't hit the side of a garage. PITY POLL. ' Every Sunday the minister called on one of his flock who owned a parrot that was prone to use racy language; and every Sunday- a cloth was put over the parrot's cage before the- minister's arrival. But once the minister called unexpectedly on a Wednesday, and the cloth was hastily thrown over the cage as he entered the room. "Hi!" shrieked the parrot, "that's a darned short week!" A CHIP OFF THE BLOCK. A story is told about a well-known Judge not noted for his deep insight into law, and whose decisions were constantly reversed by the Court of Appeal. One morning "my lud" kept all the officials and practitioners waiting for over half an hour, and when he came into court he explained his absence by saying that "he had been delayed through a splinter -getting into his finger." A witty young barrister in a whispering tone was heard to.remark to his senior: "The old buffer has been scratching his head." SYMPTOMS. "Have a good time at the party?" "Splendid; I feel awful!"