Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXIII, Issue 55, 6 March 1937, Page 27

Wit and Humour

"I'm sorry, Jones, but you're not enough of a live wire for our organisation. I fear you're the typa of man who waits till his house is on fire before ■ summoning -the. fire brigade. Pat had been out oi work in the potteries for four years when he got a good job. Unfortunately, during the first week he dropped a statue and was told that he would have to pay the price— £ lOC--at 6d a week. Next week he dropped a piece of work valued at £200, saying to his workmates: "Begon-ah, I've got a job for loife." ■' Two men had put up at a boardinghouse and were just preparing for bed when one of them proceeded to shake the blankets vigorously. Just then the landlord looked into the room and exclaimed: "Ere, that won't kill em! Whereupon the boarder replied: "I know that, but it'll make 'em dizzy for the night." A simple Highland, shepherd lad, named Donald, was an obedient son and a shy lover. "Mither," he said one evening, "Can I get oot tae see ma lass?" "Of course, Donald," replied his mother, readily. Later, on his return, she asked: "Well, Donald, did ye see Jean?" "Aye, mither." he replied, "and if I hadna' bobbed down behind the dyke she'd hae seen me!" Minister: Ye've worked hard for me, Pat, and I am going to give you that fat .pip. Patr God bliss yer rivirence. It's just loike ye, sorr. "It's awfully decent of you to dance with me, Miss Sprightly." "Don't mention' it—after all, it is a charity ball."

Model: Are you sure I am the first model you ever kissed? Artist: I swear it. . Model: And how many models had you before. me? ■ (..Artist: Four. A pineapple, two brangesi and a vase of flowers. A client was being shown round an antique shop by a new assistant, the proprietor being out. "This chair," said the youth importantly, pausing before an old piece of furniture, "belongs .to the period, of Louis Cross-Eye." . The prospective customer looked puzzled. "Louis Cross-Eye1," he repeated.' "I've never heard of such' a person." ..••■• ■ • .• "Well, that's how the label describes it," said the assistant; and he handed him a card'bearing the words."Period of Louis XI." A man, after placing some flowers on a grave, noticed an old Chinaman putting a bowl of rice on a grave nearby, and asked: • ■ "When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?" . The old Chinaman replied with a smile, "Same time your friend come' up to smell flowers." A good Scottish minister, on his way back to the kirk, met a little boy carrying a fishing-rod and line with a bent pin on the end of it. "Dinna ye ken,": he said to the boy, "that this is the day of rest?" "Aye," said the lad,-"but I'm no1 tired." A colonel was playing round the course, with his sergeant-major caddying for him. Half-way round he turned to his caddy and said: "Well, what do you think of the game?" "Not bad, sir," was the reply; "sort of .'ockey. at. the 'alt,.ain't it, sir?" ■ : "I like that puppy—l'll give you a pound for him." . "Sorry, sir. can't be done. 'E belongs to my wife, and she'll sob 'er cart out if I sell 'im. Tell yer. wot though. Make it another ten bob— and we'll let 'er sob." A stationmaster, after enrolling a new recruit, called a porter off a platform to show him "round."1 Four hours afterwards they were seen returning towards the station after having visited the Free Library. Art Gallery, and other places of interest! ' American: Do you know my bis brother Bill was so strong, he used to So into the woods every morning and cull up a tree by the roots. Scotsman: That's nothing! .My big brother Jock used to go down to the river, jump into his rowing boat, and pull up the river. ; Agent: Can I install a burglar alarm in your house for you. madam? Mrs. Smith: No, thank you, we don't need one; the people in the house opposite watch over the place so closely, that even a burglar couldn't get in without being seen. A golfer at St. Andrews hit a small boy and, seeing the boy's tears, ■ said, "I'm sorry, my boy, and here's a shilling for. you." "Thank you, sir," replied the boy, "and what time will you be playin' the morn, sir?"Little Pamela: Mamma, do angels have wings? Mother: Yes, dear. Little Pamela: Well, I heard daddy tell nurse she was an angel last night. Can she fly? Mother: She will. _ "You.took, a day.off saying you felt ill. Yet I saw you at. Trentharri looking far from ill.'-' ■ -•■ "Ah, sir, you should have seen how sick I was after the third race." It is. often said that the jokes about mean Aberdonians are manufactured in Aberdeen; but it is unlikely that a Scotsman would make jokes at his own expense. ' ''Why 'do artists sign their names at the bottom of their pictures?" "So you can tell which "way to lookat them."

Mabel: What's worrying you, Davic; David: I was just wonderin if Dad would see to the milkin' while we're on our honeymoon, supposin' you said "yes" if I asked you, .... , .. , Customer (back at the cash desk): Look here! .You didn't give me the right change just now. . Cashier (sharply): Too late, sir! You should have counted it when I gave ■ U Customer (cheerfully): Oh, all right! Only you gave me ten shillings too much. Good morning. . . , Brown: What are- the Christian names of that young couple who have come to live next door. Wife: We won't be able to find out for a week or so. They've just been married, and he calls her Birdie and she calls him Pettie. "What became of that manservant you got from the city?" ' "He used to be a chauffeur"and one day he crawled under a mule to see why it wouldn't po." ; ■ "The doctor said that he w.oul'd have me walking again in three weeks." "Well, did he do it?" "He did; I had to sell my motorcar to pay his bill." "A man is judged by the company he keeps, I believe?" "Certainly." ' i "And also by the cigars he keeps, I presume?" ■ ■ "oh, no; by .the cigars he gives away." >: . j Teacher: Jones, this is tne third time i i I've seen you look on Smith's paper.

Jones: Yes, sir, he doesn't write very plainly, sir! '

Hooley, as a boy, was the life and soul of his village—in every- bit of mischief. Everybody liked him and called him "Hooley." ■ When he grew up to man's estate and married, his pals called him "Mr. Hooley." .....■.':. Later on he was elected to the city council, and people called him "Councillor Hooley." In time he became an alderman, and was. called "Alderman Hooley," which pleased him very much. ) Finally he was made Mayor of the town. As he entered the church on the first Sunday of his mayoralty, the whole, congregation rose to their feet and sang: 'Hooley, Hooley, Hooley, Lord God Almighty." A bandsman was returning home after a hilarious evening. When he got to the barrier he could not find his ticket. "Now, then," said the ticket collector, "where's your ticket?" "I've losht it," said -the bandsman, swaying on his feet., "Nonsense! Feel in your pockets. You can't have lost it." "Can't I?" hiccupped the reveller. "I've lost the big drum!" The office boy entered the editor's office and said: "There's a tramp outside who says he hasn't had anything to eat for six days." "Bring him in," said the editor. "If we can find out how he does it we can run this paper a bit longer." Solicitor: How did you recognise the watch the prisoner .stole?. Witness: It had my wife's photograph in it. Solicitor: I see. A woman in the case, eh? Two tough mugs were drinking at a pub. "Can you imagine this?" croaked the first mug. "I'm getting on the tube when a bloke steps on my foot. The chap is about to apologise when I clips him on the chin. After I stretches the fellow, I steps all over his face for good measure." The other mug put down his glass. "What else did you do?" he asked. The first mug shrugged. "What else could I do?" he returned defensively. "I knew the chap didn't do it on purpose." : . •..■-• Solly became involved in an argument. ■ The high words drew the usual crowd that gathers on such, occasions, and before it was over Solly had suffered some damages, including a broken nose and two black eyes. The police interfered. His assailant escaped, but Solly was dragged, protesting, to the police station. - ■ . ■ ■ ■■ ■ The next morning, when the Magistrate had sifted the. evidence and de-' cided that poor Solly was not to blame, he said to him: "Why didn't you explain the matter to the constable at the time?" "Exblain?" cried the injured innocent. "How could I exblain? Dey handcuffed me before I could say a vord!" Wife: John,- how dare you look so hard at that woman who just passed? Husband (meekly): My dear, do you mean the one with the auburn hair and false teeth, dressed in pale green tied up with ribbons and things? I hardly noticed her. LONG TRAIL. The tourists were following the verger .through Canterbury Cathedral. They reached the tomb of Nicholas Wootton (d. 1567), who, the verger explained, held the appointment not only of Dean of Canterbury, but also of York. ■ r • • , ■.■■■. "Gosh!" exploded an American; member of the party, "and I guess he didn't even have a car!" UNDAUNTED. Business Man: If you're not out, of my office in two minutes I'll ■ Commercial Traveller (cheerfully): And what would you like me to show you in the two minutes, sir? KNEW BEST. Smith had called, on .his. tailor with a complaint. "Isn't'this bill, rather steep?" demanded the customer. "You should know best, sir," said the tailor, "for it was run up by you."

CHANCE TO ATONE. "Really, sir—how dare you ask me for the hand of my daughter? Whyonly a few years ago you were a caddie at my golf club!" "That's right—l. remember—but I said to- myself, 'Well, he's a rotten golfer, but he's in a good position and he may make a first-class father-in-law!' ". NATURALLY. The Scotsman had lost a pound note. Sadly he • entered the advertisement office of the local newspaper, and put in. the notice he wanted inserted in the "Lost and Found" column." • The clerk had difficulty-in restraining his mirth when he read, "Lost, a £1 note. Sentimental value." A CLEAN THRUST. "Johnson," cried the teacher one morning at school, "something ■ tells me that' you are very fond of riiotor cycling." "Yes,.sir," .admitted Johns.on, beamingly,."!, simply love, the sport." ■ . "Well," said the teacher, sternly, "go to the wash-bowl and practise on tht dirt-track." ONE 'GUINEA, PLEASE. ■ Mr. Stoutbody: What would I eat to get thin,'doctor? ■■■■': •■ Doctor; Less. ' -■• - ■ ■■ ■ : .. : . '.■/■ "-■-. POSSIBLY. . Diner: What is special today, waiter? Waiter... (under notice): What we couldn't, get rid of yesterday, sir.. . MISSED.!'"'.' The dramatist mistook, the., noise in front and was distressed to find out, although they wanted to see him, what they wanted to see him for' was something very different from his" expectations. '.: ' " ' ■•■".'. But he dodged behind the curtain just in time, and dodged back again to■ reproach the gallery. -..""■ "It's true," he. said, "that I haven't made a hit. But neither have any of you!" . . EASY." . " Customer:' I'm ' seeking . something appropriate for a gift—something timely and striking. . Assistant: Clock counter third •on your left. . ■ ' ! •.

EASING THE BURDEN. ■ The manager of the window-cleaning company had not a very good opinion of the workmanship of Smith. • /'Today, Smith," said the manager ■ one morning, "you must clean the windows of duster's Factory. It will take you all day, because there are two hundred windows. Stop work for the usual dinner hour, of course." ! "Okay," said Smith, picking up his bucket and cloths. . '.\ "And you'd better take a piece of ; chalk with you, Smith,"... growled the i manager, "so that—when you leave off i for dinner —you can mark the "■ last ; window you've cleaned, and you won't be puzzled as to where you left off!" ■ . ' ' INSULTING. „ A car came'to a "standstill outside, a [ country cottage. The motorist tried i to start the engine by the handle in front, but in vain. His woman friend sat in the car waiting. At last the 1 owner of the cottage came out shouting. ■ ■ '. "Now, then, thee must not play and take the bloomin' monkey wi' • thee!", ■/• , - ■, . . RETORT OF THE WAITRESS.' When the "fresh" diner observed sarcastically to the restaurant waitress : that he couldn't find any chicken in ' the chicken soup, she sai'd:; "Well, you '• won't find any horses in the horseradish either!" . . . '. ■ IDEAL JUROR. A Judge was holding Court-in a remote district. He was listening iri- : tently while a, prospective juror was questioned by a lawyer in.the case. Lawyer:. Do you know anything about this case? i ■■ Prospective Juror: No. Lawyer: Have you heard anything about it? -•- : •-■■ Prospective Juror: "No. I can't read. Lawyer: Have you formed any \ opinion about the case? i Prospective Juror: What case? . : Lawyer: Accepted. . . , i CARRYING OUT INSTRUCTIONS. The Mayor pressed a button on his desk, and the office boy entered. "Here," said his Honour, "are a number of directions telling us how to run . our city. See that every one is carried out." • ■ . : ■' - . ! And the office boy, gathering them all in a-big waste.basket, did so. . . WELL CHOSEN. :' i The:old farmer who had never before visited a town of any size, arrived in ' London with his son, and was immediately fascinated by the ■ pavements. IHe scraped his feet on the hard sur- ; face, and, turning to his son, remarked, • "Well, I don't blame 'em for building 1 a town here. The ground is too hard to plough, anyway." NUTTY! i It was during the botany lesson, and i the master had been explaining the ; different kinds of nuts, cobnuts, coconuts, Brazil nuts, chestnuts, etc. ■ Sud- ■ denly up shot-, a hand, and Jones minor, ■ the wag of. the class, asked in a i squeaky voice, "Please, sir, do all nuts grow on trees?" "They do, my boy," said the master. "Please, sir,: what about doughnuts?" asked Jones'minor. A titter ran round the class; but the master was equal to it. "Oh, dough-nuts?" he repeated slowly. "Yes, they grow on trees, too. Pan trees. And you can stay in-after class and write out that interesting fact a hundred, times, Jones!" ... . POOR FISH. The angler had landed a catch when ■an inquisitive, ' interfering woman chanced to be passing. "Oh!" she exclaimed, "that poor little, fish." "Well, madam," returned the fisherman, "if he'd kept- his mouth shut: he wouldn't have got.into.trouble!".,. .. ; . SHE NOTICED. Head Cook: Didn't I tell you to notice when the soup boiled over? Assistant: I did. It was half-past ten. PROOF. : He was applying for a navvy's post on an excavation job. "Do you think you are fit for really hard labour?" asked the foreman. "Well," replied the applicant, "some of the best Judges in the country have thought so."