Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXIII, Issue 49, 27 February 1937, Page 27

Wit and Humour

Tramp: If you please, mister—ha! ha! ha! ■ - Gentleman: What do you mean by standing there laughing like that? Tramp: Well, sir—ha! ha! ha! he! he! he! —your doormat —ha! ha!—is ticklin' me feet through the holes in me boots! "I left /an umbrella in the train yesterday." "What kind of umbrella, sir?" "Oh, any kind'U do." "The thing for you to do," said the doctor to the man with the frazzled nerves, "is to, stopthinking about yourself—to "bury yourself in your work.' "Gosh," returned the patient, "and me a cement mixer!" . ; . "Where did you first meet your wife?" "I didn't —she overtook me." "Are you a friend of mine, daddy?" "Certainly, dear." "Well, let's dump the cod-liver -oil in the dust-bin!" . "You do love me!" "Of course!" "Do you think of me day and night?" "Well, to be. frank, sweetheart, I think about.football sometimes." .' A Scottish society was holding its annual dinner. At the end of the evening the cloakroom attendants were communing. ••• "How have we done, Bill?" asked one. "Rotten!" groaned the other. "Even the decoy tanner's gone out o' the plate!" Author: This is 'the plot of my story. A midnight scene. Two burglars creep stealthily towards' the • house. They climb a wall and force open a window, and enter the room. The clock struck one ■ ; ,■•■■-.■■

Sweet Thing (breathlessly).: Which one? .. '"■ ... v

The recent discussion in court over the plural of "mongoose" recalls the effort of the retired colonel who wanted two of the creatures. He did not like the look of the words "two mongeese," nor of "two mongooses"; so he wrote, "Please send me a mongoose— and—damn it—send me another." ■..-.: A .Scotsman, gave his blood to save a millionaire's life.-He was paid £500. A- second transfusion was found to be necessary .and the Scotsman' again obliged. For. this,; operation he received, only £100. ' . ■■' To complete the cure the Scotsman gave'his blood'"a third time. By now the millionaire was restored to health. But- the Scotch blood had prevailed. There.was.no further reward. The lady of the house tiptoed to the drawing-room .door and peqped in. There she saw her .husband kissing and making love to the new maid. : ". "Thank goodness," she. exclaimed under her breath, "at last we've got a maid who might stay a while. ■ Two' strangers met at a hotel dance. !' "Can you make up a dress tie?" whispered one. "I can," was the reply, come to my bedroom." ' . " , ■ They went" to the bedroom and the clever one ordered the ungainly one. to ■lie down on the bed. The tie was beautifully made up.. . "Why had I to lie on the bed?" said the first. "■ , "•"' . ■ . , „'"-.,• "Oh! I am an undertaker and that s the. Only way I can do it." • An owl one day, wishing to see his lady love, put on all-his best clothes; but on coming out of his hole he saw that it was raining hard. Sadly he exclaimed: -Too-wet-to-woo. .... ' A gentleman went .into a. restaurant and ordered as his first course some chicken soup. After getting the. soup, he called back the waiter and said, "Call this chicken soup?" • "Yes, sir." "I don't; anyhow, take.it away and get the old hen to step through it again.". Sandy was out walking with his fiancee when she suggested that they should go to the pictures. With Scottish caution, he persuaded her to go instead to the free picture gallery. Once inside, the young man took his future bride by the arm and began to race her round the room. "What on earth are you doing?" inquired the girl breathlessly. "Take a look.at yon pictures," was the reply. "Can ye no see how they're moving? We've nae need to pay bawbees to the cinema." She: What are you thinKing of, darling? - ■ He: Same as you, sweetest. She: Beast., Teacher: What would you do if I gave you a pound note, Ikey? Ikey: I'd change it into ten-shilling notes. Then I'd change them into half-crowns, ■ then small silver, then coppers, then halfpennies. Teacher: Why? Ikey: Somebody might make a mistake. __ . . Husband (trying to make.it up): And what little present shall I buy for the one I love best?. ■ . Wife: What about a box of cigars? A woman was charged with assaulting a rate collector when he called at her house. When asked by the Magistrate why she- did it, she replied, "Well, he shouldn't have, called after dark.- I thought it .was my. husband." ■: Mrs. Brown had been examined by.a -doctor who, as he was ■ leaving, said to her husband: "Tell your wife not to worry about her rheumatism. It is only a sign of advancing years," "Ye-yes, doctor," said Mr. Brown meekly. "B-but ,w-would you mind telling her yourself?" . • Willie: Father, can you sign your name with your -eyes shut? ■ Father: Of course I can. Willie: Well, shut your eyes and sign .my school report. : • Judge: Have you ever seeh the prisoner at the bar? Witness: Yes, that's where I met him.

Favourite game aboard an ocean I liner this weather: Pitch and toss?. ■ Father: When he proposed didn't you ask him whether he'd seen me? • Daughter: Yes.1 He said he'd seen you many-times, but he loves me just the same. . .■ . A man was travelling home in a crowded tramcar. He was desperately clinging to a strap as the vehicle swayed and jolted its way. The conductor passed down the car and stopped for the man's fare, and the passenger struggled to get the money out of his pocket without letting" go the strap. The conductor gave him up for the time being and waited for his fare again on the next journey down the car. Again the man fumbled unsuccessfully to get the fare-out of his pocket, and again the conductor moved off. The third time the conductor said impatiently: "Come along sir, I must have your fare. I can't wait all. day like this." "All right." said the passenger, letting go of the strap, "hold on to this for me." There once was an absent-minded professor who came down to breakfast, kissed his, egg, and cracked his wife on the head. . : A man pulled a rabbit's foot out "of his pocket when looking for some change. . . . . "Oh, are you superstitious?" asked a friend, laughing. "Well, this thing brought me luck last night, anyway." ' "How?" "Well, my wife put her hand in my pocket last night, and. thought it was a mouse." . -. ' .

Dad had been ill for several weeks-, but was still keenly interested in the way the farm work was being car-1 ried on. "Dave," he said, " 'ow are th'-cows goin'?" "Not too bad," Dave vouchsafed. "Gfittin' about ten gallons a day." ; "Ain't so bad," Dad agreed. " 'Ow much skim milk are we sellin'?" "Nine gallons a day, Dad." ■ '"Ow much cream".?. , "Three gallons ana bit, Dad." The man in the bed did a bit of complicated mental addition. Then his smile vanished. "Wot th' 'ell are you doin' with the rest?" he demanded. A Jew was playing golf on a local course when he was hit on the back of the head by a ball played by a fellow-member. :He turned round furiously and demanded to,be recompensed: "I will sue you for five thousand pounds," he shouted. "I said 'Fore,'" the culprit replied. "All right," said the' Jew, mollified. "I'll take .that." _ ■••' . ■■■• Mr. Bones: And how is your,poor husband today? '' . Mra. Holmes: Oh, very poorly. He's got a terribly expensive disease. The doctor says he's got to be kept in good spirits! .■ , Manager: Can you give me one good reason why I ought to engage you? Would-be Office-Boy: Yes, sir.1 I've got no grandparents to bury, sir. He.got the job. . -■;..■ He: Janet, will you marry me? She": Why, you couldn't keep me in handkerchiefs. ' He: Well, you don't expect to have a cold the rest of your life, do you? A Sunday-school teacher asked a little boy what was meant by the quick and the dead. Small Boy: Them as gets out of the way of motor-cars is quick, and them as don't is dead. , •• The boarding-house landlady was having a slight argument.with a young man lodger. "I'm always at work," said she, "busy as a bee." "You're not like a bee," said the boarder. "A bee can sting a person only once." . A certain vicar had two curates; one, a comparatively elderly man, was a very fine preacher, much better than the vicar.' The other was a young and handsome fellow fresh from college and very popular with the: ladies.' They were both too- popular, anyway, for the vicar's liking so he gave them both the sack. 1 On their last Sunday at the church the older curate preached a farewell sermon at the evening service and he took for his text, "Abide ye here with the ass while I and the lad will go, up yonder and worship." . A Scotsman stood treat for the crowd in a pub so that the fellows wouldn't think "him as close as storytellers make his countrymen outto'be —and then found out that all the time they .thought he was Irish. A man, coming home very late, was met at the doorby his wife.'. "You're very late, George," she said angrijy;-- "where have ■ you been?" "Couldn't help it, my dear, been at .— hie!—cemetery all day; sober as a .judge,, but very upshet." "Really?- Who's dead?" "Whole blqomin' lot!" A man travelling in foreign parts accepted an invitation to stay with a -friend, an* went to bed the first night rather the worse for ; drink. As he tossed in his room, crowds of mosquitoes came to add to his torment. He wandered put at last in search of a 'servant. : "Can I get hold of a mosquito net?" he asked. ■ . - "I'm afraid not," answered the man, "the master never uses them." "Well, how does he get on. with these things?." "Well, the first part of the night he's generally too full of whisky to worry about the skeets, and the rest of the night they're- too full of whisky to worry about him!" • ' ■ Judge: Why did you desert your wife? ■. . . ■ . Prisoner: I'm no deserter, my lord. If you knew her you'd" call" me a refugee.

MOTIVE. . "You say you came to the city to look for work. I put it tqypu there was another, a stronger motive, that brought you all, that distance." "Well," hesitated the defendant, "there was." "Ah!" cried: the barrister, triumphantly. "And what was it?" "A locomotive." WAIT AND SEE- ' A wealthy man decided to commission an artist to paint his new country mansion, with himself, as the owner, standing in- the' doorway. He approached the. artist, who' agreed to the proposal. In due course the picture was completed, but the artist, for some reason, had neglected to paint in the figure of his client. "It's all right," said the man, "but where do I come in?" The artist tried to pass off the error as a joke. "Oh," he said, "you've just gone inside to write my cheque!" ■'." "Oh, have I?" retorted the other. "Then perhaps I'll be coming out soon, and if I do I'll pay -you. In the mean-; time we'll hang it .up and wait." FAILURE. ' "Husbands never deceive their wives!" v ■ ■ ■ "They seldom; do!" ■--.-•■ THE SPOT. ' • Counsel: And you were struck in- the fracas?' - . ' ' ' ' Witness: No, sir. In the earhole. ■ NEARLY FINISHED. • "Mother," said a little boy, coming in from a walk. "I've seen a man who makes horses." ' "Are you sure?" asked his mother. "Yes," he replied. "He had a horse nearly finished when I saw him; he was just nailing on his back feet." RARE, Antique dealer: I have here a very rare revolver. Dates from the time of the Romans. ■. Prospective Customer: But the Romans didn't use revolvers. _ Antique Dealer: I know, sir. That's what makes it so rare.

TAKING A RISK. "Who will drive this car away for £10?" was a notice I read the other day in the window of a secondhand dealer.. ■' . . , . And, believe it or "not, the dealer told me that a man went in,- looked doubtfully at the car, and then remarked: "Air right. I'll take a chance! Where's the money?". ...■•.:' . VALUES. "Yes," said the first . manufacturer "sadly, "I lost a thousand quid; over Jones's bankruptcy. I'd just sold him a big lot of goods when he closed down." . "Well,", said his friend, "you still had the goods, hadn't you?" "Oh, yes," replied the first, "I had the goods! But what could I do with a lot of rubbish like that?" THE NEAREST APPROACH. "Say, dad," said Willie, "what does it: mean when people talk about the heyday of youth?" "I don't know' about the hay day," came the reply, "but I guess it's when .we're in clover!" ~ . . HIS RECORD, 'How long is it since you were in court?" 'Twenty years.'.' ~ . "And .where have i you been since then?" ) "In prison." THE BROTHERS. "Fate plays queer tricks," sighed Jiggins, pointing across the street. "That poor chap over there, in the invalid carriage, has been on his back for ten years, and hasn't made a, penny." "Hard lines," murmured Higgins. "A heavyweight boxer was on his • back for only ten seconds, and made a small fortune out of it!" : ' NOW, WHAT? ' A man had lost his pocket wallet in the street, and in an effort to get it back inserted an advertisement in thelocal paper which read: "The man who picked up my leather pocket wallet in Cheltenham Road this afternoon : was recognised. He' is requested to return it." The following evening a similar announcement was in the same paper, and said: ... . . ...... "The man who picked up the wallet and was recognised requests the loser of same to call any time and collect it." GENEROUS TO A FAULT. The-Judge sternly regarded'the prisoner before Him. "I intend to senience you to ten years' imprisonment, but before I pass this sentence, perhaps you might like to say 'something on your own behalf." "Well," said the prisoner, "I don't know as I have anything particular to say for myself, but I don't mind tellin' you that you people around this court are pretty liberal with other people's time." PERFECT GENTLEMAN. • Chivalrous Old Gentleman (in tram, to man who has just settled in the seat he has vacated): Pardon me, sir, but I meant that seat for this lady here. The Other: Oh, it's quite all right. That's my wife. THE REASON. Griggs: Do me >a favour, old man. Don't let -your wife wear her new autumn costume when you come round to our place. I don't want.my wife to see it just now. r Briggs: Why, man alive, that's just why we are coming! • NO LAUGHING MATTER. "You are the only gentleman in the room," said a stranger. "In what way?" asked a guest. "When I tripped in the dance, tearing my partner's dress, you were the only man'who did not laugh." "The lady is my wife, and I paid ten pounds for that dress yesterday." ■ MYSTERY. She came into the police station with a picture in her hand. "My husband has disappeared," she sobbed. "Here is his picture. I want you to find him." . The inspector looked up from the photograph. - "Why?" he asked.