Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXIII, Issue 1, 2 January 1937, Page 18

Wit and Humour

They were trying to explain to the intelligent Frenchman the meaning of the expression "an ideal wife." After they had laboured for some time, his face lit with comprehension. - "Ah, I see it!" he exclaimed. "Ze ideal wife—ze fancy woman! Yes?" Two lawyers wrangled before a judge. One of the disputants, losing control over his emotions exclaimed, "Sir, you are the biggest fool that I have ever had the misfortune to set eyes on." "Order! Order!" exclaimed the judge. "You seem to forget that I am in the room." An old lady, born and reared in Australia, had reached her eightieth birthday. Unexpectedly she received a large sum of money, and there was much excitement among her friends. "Well, Mrs. Smith," said one of them, I suppose you will be taking a trip to England now?" "What!" replied the old lady in great indignation. "The country where the convicts come from!" The rain was pouring through a large hole in the roof of an Irish labourer's cottage. "Why don't you mend that hole?" a stranger asked. "Sure, an' it's impossible to attend the roof in bad weather like this," answered Mike, "and in fair weather it's as good a roof as any." Mr. Singleton: Miss Willing—er— Nellie, you don't care if I drop the "Miss" and call you Nellie, do you? Miss Willing: No, indeed! Only yesterday I remarked to mother that I was getting awful tired of being called "miss."

Prospects.—For the sake of saying something the barmaid said to the undertaker. "Well, how's business, Mr. Musty?" "Not too good, Bessie, but I've got me eye on two or three likely ones." The lecturer was addressing the students on epidemics. Suddenly he pounced on a slumbering youth in the back row. "Now, Jakes," he said, "name something that spreads." "Jam, sir;" was the sleepy retort. "They tell me that Jenkins had to propose at least five times to Miss Moneybags before she accepted him." "Well, she certainly gave him a run for his money." Teacher (examining Teddy's homework): I don't see how it is possible for a single person to make so many mistakes Teddy (proudly): It isn't a single person, teacher. Father helped. A tramcar was crowded, and'an old man with a kindly.twinkle in his eye took five-year-old Tommy on his lap: "This will be better than standing, won't it, my boy? "Yes," said Tommy, who had, enjoyed lurching about the car. "But you want to be careful I don't pick your pocket," the old man said genially. Yer can't,'" Tommy retorted, in a muffled tone. "As soon as I saw you lookin' at me I put me penny in me mouth." Passer-by (to owner of antiquated car): Engine trouble? ? Owner: Well, I can't tell until I walk back and find the engine.