Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXII, Issue 70, 19 September 1936, Page 26

Wit and Humour

Mrs. Mean was seeking free advice from the doctor who was staying at the same hotel. "Doctor, what would you do if you were run down?" she asked. "Madam, I would take the number of the car and tell the. police."

Caller: Is your master in? Maid: No; you'll have to leave your bill. Caller: But I haven't come with a bill. Maid: Then you've come to the wrong house.

"Martha, did you wash the fish before you baked it?" "Lor', mum, no! Wot's the use of washin' a fish who's lived all 'is life in the water?"

"I dinna like the sound o' this hauf croon," said the punter to the bookie. "Well, did you expect the Westminster chimes from 'arf a dollar?"

"I want a dog licence," demanded Mrs. Snobb. * "Yes, madam," queried .the official "What name?" "Towser."

An Irishman, driving a donkey-cart in the middle of a narrow road, heard continuous hooting behind him. He looked round and saw a powerful car following in his wake. He continued on his way, and the car behind continued to hoot. After a mile or so the road widened sufficiently for the big car to draw level. "Why didn't you make room for me to pass?" asked the infuriated driver. "How should I know you wanted to pass? You weren't going any faster than I was," was the reply.

A lady was entertaining her friend's small son.

"Ai* you sure you can cut your meat?" she asked, after watching his strucsles. "Oh, yes," he replied, without looking up from his plate. "We often have it as tough as this at home."

. Two small boys halted before a brass plate fixed on the front of a house, whereon was. described in bold letters the word "chiropodist." "Chirrupodist!" remarked one of them, puzzled. "What's that?" "Why," remarked his companion, "a chirrupodist is a fellow who teaches canaries to whistle."

"Nothing, eh?" repeated the policeman, sarcastically." "It seems to me you've been begging." . • -,. "Begging—me begging!" exclaimed the tramp, indignantly. "Why, I'm travelling for a baker, and these are my samples!"

Wife: If only I knew where you had been,

Husband: Honi soit qui mal y pense. "There you go. Whenever you come home in that state you start using bad language."

"What is a debtor, dad?" "A man who owes money." "And what is a creditor?" -. • , "The man who thinks he is going to get it." .■...,

Donovan's wife was «uing her husband for maintenance. After . hearing both sides of the case, the Magistrates consulted. Presently. the chairman of the Bench addressed Donovan. "We have decided," he said, "to allow your wife ten shillings a week."

Donovan beamed back at him, and said. "Why .■ shure, and that's very generous of you. I'll see if I can add a bob or two now and again."

"What . a night!" said the guest, looking out of the window. ' "You can't go home in that' rain," said the host. "You must stay . the night with us." ,

The guest disappeared, returning in half an hour, dripping wet. "Where have you been?" asked the host. "Home for my pyjamas."

Wife (looking up from newspaper): It tells here about a man giving his wife a £SO necklace'. Nothing like that everhappens to me. . , ~■ . . . Husband: I was just reading about a man giving his wife a pair of black eyes. Nothing like that ever happens to you, either.

The manager heard that a £2 10s a week employee had a car, and asked how he could afford it.

,"Easy," said the man. "There's 200 of us in this place. I raffle my wages every week at a shilling a go."

"That's all right," said the little schoolboy to the school mistress when she thanked him warmly for a nice bunch of flowers he had brought her. "I'll bring yer another lot ter-morrer if our lodger ain't buried by then."

"I have regulated my income—4o per cent, for rent, 25 per.cent, for clothes, 25 per cent, for food, and 25 per cent, for miscellaneous." "But that makes 115 per cent. "Unfortunately, it ddes."

Mrs. 'Arris: Ain't it awful, all these road, accidents every week? Mrs. 'Awkins: Well, some seems to think it's the fault of the motorists, but I think it's the Presbyterians myself.

"How can I cure myself," asked the yokel of the quack, "of sleeping with my mouth open?" "The trouble is incurable. Your skin's too tight; so when you shut your eyes your mouth opens."

"Talking of hens," remarked the American visitor, "reminds me of an old hen my dad once had. She would hatch out anything, from a tennis ball to-a lemon. Why, one day she sat on a piece of ice and hatched out two quarts of hot water." "That doesn't come up to the clubfooted hen my mother once had," remarked the Irishman. "They had been feeding her by mistake on sawdust instead of oatmeal. Well, sor, she laid twelve eggs and sat on them, and when they hatched, eleven of the chicks had wooden legs and the twelfth was a woodpecker."

J6nes appeared wrapped in gloom, and his friend asked the cause. "It's that fellow Smith," he replied. "Last night he called me a liar." The friend tried to console him, saying that it was a common thing to be called a liar without cause. "But, dammit, man," said Jones, irritably, "he proved it!" Policeman (after a collision)■:, You saw this lady driving towards you.- Why didn't you give her the road? Motorist: I was going to, as soon as I could discover which half she wanted. "It seems that all your family has toothache." "Yes, baby is getting his first set, Bobby his second set, and my wixe her third set." "Joan was lucky in catchlnr Mich a rich husband." • "Yes, but her luck has deserted her." MAKING SURE. He was in trouble again. "Why, you good-for-nothing loafer," his wife railed, "here you've been spending money again—and never even offering to look for work! I'm sure I - don't know whatever you'll do if'l happen to die and you find yourself without this allowance my father makes us!" "By gosh!" . he exclaimed, horrorstricken, "I never thought of that, my dear! I'm dashed if I don't go right now and take out an insurance policy oh your life!" TIME TO GET UP. Guest: Well, good night. I Hope I haven't kept you up too late. Host (yawning): Not at all. We should;have been getting up soon in any case. CANDID. "I have been twitted with being a turncoat," exclaimed the street-corner orator. "Years ago, I admit, I supported the other party. Then I had a reason, but now, gentlemen, I have lost my reason." AN OUTLET.' "My husband will talk in his ; sleep. I wonder what I can do about it?" "Ever, tried' letting him talk while he's awake?" ■ MAKE BELIEVE. Fred: Say that I'm a fool again and I'll knock your head off. . . Bill: Consider ■' it said again, then. Fred: Consider your head knocked off. POULTRY. Papa (to Johnny, four years old): Won't you have.another piece of duck, Johnny? , „ „ ' ■.„ Johnny: Yes, please, father, I will, Duck's my favourite chicken, 'cept i turkey.

STALE. "Where did you get this fish?" "I bought it at the door." "Had it knocked many times?" , MISSING. Passer-by : (to owner of antiquated car): Engine trouble? . Owner: Well, I can't tell until I walk back and find the engine. PARTICULAR. New Prisoner (receiving his first rations): Wot? Eat that? Not me? Why, I'll leave the bloomin' place first! -. FALSE CLAIM. Show Manager: Why do you say the show was misrepresented? Patron: Well, you advertised a chorus of seventy, and none of them looked to be more than sixty. FIFTY-FIFTY! A wealthy man was "turning down" a young suitor for his daughter's hand. "Im sorry, my boy," he said, "but it's impossible. I couldn't possibly allow her to marry a man unless he earns at least £IOOO a year. That is the amount' she costs me now." "Well, look- here, sir," the swain said, earnestly, "I earn £250, and my people allow me £250. What say if you allow me £500? ' I mean—why, I'm the very chap you want—-I'd be saving you a round £SOO a year!" PEAK OF ACHIEVEMENT. "Smith is a fine salesman. Last week he sold a refrigerator to an Eskimo." - "That's nothing. A friend of mine once sold a book on 'Self-Confidence' to Mussolini." 1 FOOLISH QUESTION. A six-weeks-old calf was nibbling at ths grass in the yard, and was viewed in silence for some minutes by' the city girl. "Tell me," she said, turning impulsively to her hostess, "does it really pay you to keep as small a cow as that?" ,

PREFERENCE. : "What is your impression of the Italian imbroglio?"' "Well, frankly, I much prefer British dishes." - ACKNOWLEDGED. She: I . wonder if outstanding leaders, ever make good husbands?; He: Hur-r-umph er perhaps you had better .ask my wife. PEACE WORK. "I served two years in the Air Force.!' _ ~„„ . "In the House or the Council?" CAREFUL, DOCTORS. "Now that you are through college, what are you ; going to.do?" one of his relatives asked. , "I shall study medicine and become a great surgeon," replied the youth. "The medical profession is pretty crowded already, isn't' it?V ventured the relative. • . "Can't help that," snapped the youth. "I shall study medicine, and those who are already in.the profession will have to take their chances, that's all!" HE LOST. "Do you ever play cards for money?" "No, but I used *to think I did. AND SO TO BED. "Well, dear," said Mr. Blair, after tea had been cleared away, what are you planning to do-tonight?_ Mrs. Blair shrugged her shoulders "Nothing special," she replied. 11l probably write a letter or two, read, listen to the radio, and so;on. '"I see," he replied. 'When you come to the scr on, don't : forget my shirt buttons." THE WAY OUT Mrs. Murphy: What! You're going to sell up .and marry that hard-up lodger of yours? What on earth are ye going to live on? . Mrs. O'Flynh: Begorra, we'll be all right. The poor fellow owes me enough to keep us in comfort for years. ■ DID HIS BEST. At the inquest on the body of a Scotsman found on the beach, after many witnesses had been examined, the local constable was called, and the coroner asked him to give his ver"Well, sir, on information, received I hurried to the spot and found quite a.crowd round the corpse." "And what did you do?" asked, the coroner. "Did you try to resuscitate . This rather puzzled the constable, so the coroner said, "Did you try to restore life?" "Well, said the constable, "I went through all his pockets, but he showed no sign of animation." ■ ' • THE EXPLANATION. The scientist returning meditatively from a lecture cahie upon the recumbent figure of a man in front of a house. He discovered that the man lived on the first floor. He piloted him upstairs, and, opening a door, pushed him gently in. On reaching the ground floor again another human being confronted him, and. he also needed help to. the first floor. But when the scientist found yet another fellow-creature in distress his curiosity was aroused, and he said: "It's strange that there should be three men needing help to the first floor of the same house." ",.- Jt i. "Not so strange, mister, replied the prone figure, "seeing as how you ve dropped me down the lift 'ole twice. THE WRONG BAT. • The home team wanted 10 runs to win, and as the last man walked across' to the crease it was obvious that he' was rather "under : the influence." The first ball, came down, he struck at it and missed by inches, but as the ball'was wide, his wicket remained intact.* He called his captain, and asked what he had better do, as he could see three balls instead of one. "Hit the middle one," was the captain's advice. The next ball came down and was badly missed; the stumps went flying and the game was lost. "Why didn't you go for the middle ball?" asked the skipper. "I did," replied the unsteady one, "but I hit it with the wrong bat."