Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXII, Issue 10, 11 July 1936, Page 26

Wit and Humour

SOFT ANSWER.

HELPING OUT.

MacTavish: How is young Sandy getting on? He took up journalism, didn't he?

Donald: Och, aye, but they would only let him write on one-^side of the paper and the waste broke his heart.

"Why did you tear the back part out of that new bookj" asked the longsuffering wife of the absent-minded doctor.

"Excuse me. dear," said the famous surgeon, "the part you speak of was labelled, 'Appendix' and I took it out without thinking."

The head clerk was admonishing one of the girl typists.

"You are the last to come in the morning," he said, "and the first to go at night."

"Well." replied the typist, "you wouldn't like me to be. late twice a day, would you?"

"This room," said the man who wanted board and lodging, "reminds me of a prison." "Well," replied the landlady tartly, "it's largely a matter of what one is actually accustomed to."

"Tell me the truth. Who did your homework?" "Father." "Quite alone?" "Oh. no; I helped him!"

Mrs. Malaprop: I think Napoleon was a much greater soldier than Bonaparte.

Friend: But they were identical.

Mrs. Malaprop: That may be, but I always said that Napoleon was much the more identical of the two.

'Those are mighty big oranges." "Yes: it wouldn't take many to make a dozen."

The customer proved most exacting, and the assistant was growing impatient.

"Now you are. sure this is genuine crooedile skin?" the customer inquired, critically examining a handbag. "Quite sure, madam," was the reply. "You see, I, know the man who shot ( that crocodile." "It looks rather dirty," remarked the customer.

"Well, yes," replied the assistant, "that's where the animal struck the ground when it fell out of the tree."

"Now, Tommy," said the lady as she was leaving the house after a visit, "you're coming to the train to see me off, aren't you?" "I'm sorry, but I can't come," was the reply. "Mummy says that we're having afternoon tea as soon as you've gone."

An old Scot was taking his first trip across the Atlantic. In .the smoking room he got into conversation with another traveller. "And tae what country do you belong?" the Scot inquired. "Gee," was the nasal response, "I guess I belong to the greatest and dandiest country on earth." "Aye," replied the Scot, ."but ye seem to have lost your accent."

A Scot, whose child had swallowed a sixpence, rang up the doctor. "How old is it?" asked the doctor. "It's a bricht new one, dated 1934," replied the father.

A hatter in a thriving town stuck the following notice in his window:— "Our felt hats fit so well that they are hot felt."

Not to be outdone, the man across the way produced the following gem:— "Our carpets are sold by the yard, but are not worn by the foot."

"Oh," said the son, lamb!" -

"What did he say?" "Baa!"

"Doctor, I was surprised to hear that Mrs. Jones died from heart disease. I thought you were treating.her for pneumonia." "Pure gossip, Mrs Brown. When I treat a patient for pneumonia, that. patient dies of pneumonia." ■ "

Father: At your age, Tommy, I never told a he. Little Tommy: When did you begin, father?

A voice from the back of the crowd: "There is only one thing that prevents me calling you a barefaced liar." "And what is that?" sneered the tub-thumper. "You've got a beard."

"Daddy, I want to be an Arctic explorer;" "That's fine, my lad." "But, daddy, I want to begin at once." "What do you. want to do?" "I want sixpence a day for ice cream, so that I can get used to the cold."

Sandy: How do you like the pattern of my new wallpaper? Friend: The pattern is O.K. But why have you put it on with drawing pins? Sandy: Well, surely ye don't think Im going to bide here all my life!

"But, madam, I'm afraid you're making a mistake. I am a doctor, certainly, but I'm a doctor of music" "I know that," replied the old lady. 'That's the reason why I came to you. I ye a terrible singing in my ears."

Author: Well, sir, the upshot of it was that it took me ten years to discover that I had absolutely no talent for writing literature.

Friend: You gave up? Author: Oh, no; by that time I was too famous.

Two Scotsmen dined together in a restaurant. After dinner the waiter produced the check. -The two sat and talked for a couple of hours, and then the conversation failed, and the two Scots sat in silence. At 1 a.m. one of them telephoned to his wife: "Dinna wait up any longer for me. lass,"" he said, "it looks like a deadlock." ■

Optician: How many lines can you read on that chart? Patient: What chart?

Novice (with great determination after .numerous attempts): I'll stay here till I hit this ball.

Caddie: Weel, ye can get some ither laddie to haud yer sticks, tor this is ma bath nicht.

Billy: Please, mother says, can she have a pound of butter just like the last you sent her?

Farmer: Oh, yes, I am' always pleased to send my customers just what they i want.

Billy: Thank you. You see, a lot of people are coming to tea, and ma doesn't want them to come again.

An American ■ was telling an Irishman: "The fish are so numerous -in one river in the States that the.folks there just'drop a pail into the water and.pull.it out full,of fish."

"Well, now," said Pat, "do you know that in the River Liffey, in Ireland, if the people want a pail of water they have to push all the ' fish out. of ■ the way before they can get the pail in."

"What a delightful baby!" said the nervous young curate, visiting a parishioner. "And how old is—er —he, she or it, as the case may be?" "Just five weeks, sir," replied the proud mother. "Well, well!" said the curate helpfully. "Your youngest, I suppose?"

"Well," said the proud father, "what happened when you asked the boss for a rise?"

"he was like a

He was a busy man and was inwardly storming at the- ultra-deliberate efforts of the barber, who. was shaving him. , . . .

. • "Keep the razor still," he finally exploded, "and I'll waggle my head."