POSTSCRIPTS

Evening Post, Volume CXXI, Issue 85, 9 April 1936, Page 10

POSTSCRIPTS

Chronicle and Comment

By Percy Flace.

it is about this time every year thai Uncle Sam's hard-boiled Easter yeggs start hatching out nefarious things. * * * Another thing. Government should be an institution for people to live under —not on. <* * «■ Why all this fuss and flurry? If we don't know whence those millions are coming, at least the Government has been frank about where they are going. ♦ « ♦ .. ■ "Horses to follow for Easter," shouts a billboard at us. Follow what? asks Henry, who says that he can alwayi pick-those who follow the winners— usually a long way after—and doea not need any telling. «■ # * DIFFERENT SPHERES. At a recent meeting of the Upper Hutt Borough Council a discussion arcße as to the advisability of allowing Association football to be played on Maidstone Park on Sundays. < A Councillor: Cricket is permitted. Another Councillor: But there is a big difference between Sunday cricket and football. Certainly there is a big difference —mainly in the size of the ball. • R.J.P. » * ♦ '" MILDEWED CLOTHES. Dear Sir,—Being an ardent admirer of your Column 8, would you grant a special favour? Through misfortune my wife has had all her week's washing gone mildewed. Now we were wondering if you or some of your readers would care to help us out of the difficulty by instructing how to get it out. The hint would be very much appreciated, not only by my wife but by many other women as well. Thank* ing you in anticipation, I am, yourf respectfully,— E. DE RENE. Miramar. • *■••-♦■■ i EXTINGUISHED. Not before it was time, the technique of Britain's hold-up exponents is revealing a certain measure of originality. Last' month two men entered an antique shop in Tooting and asked the assistant behind the counter if they could see some daggers. In a burst of jocoseness the assistant replied that they could —if their eyesight was, clear enough. That sorry jest worked off, the assistant turned round to find the daggers, and as he did so his clients jammed a biscuit tin on his head. There it stuck fast, and the two men made off with three daggers. For the best part of a minute the assistant remained well and truly crowned, and was forced to call for help to have the tin removed. He finished up with a sharply-abrased nose, a wintry smile, and —we trust—the usual stimulant which assists a feller to recapture his self-respect. * ♦ ♦ . ■ ' UNDESERVED FAME. , We were discussing the recent Ac* mise of a well-known citizen. "Old Bill was a dead game old sport," said one. "Do you know, he wag, the first man to spin a double-headed penny in New Zealand?" We did not know, but were quite ready to add Old Bill to the list of claimants to the honour. Perhaps one of them has a right to it. One often hears or reads of someone'as having been the first white child born somewhere, or the first settler in some district, or the first man to cross some pass. Then you hear or read that none of them was what is claimed for them. Probably the most widely accepted unchallenged fiction concerning New Zealand in the | outside world is the one- that names Captain Cook as the discoverer of this country. Outside of New Zealand, I have been sharply contradicted when I named Tasman. And it is far outside that one meets with people with the most amazing claims for, generally,' some relative. For instance, once, while in a restaurant in a far corner of the earth, two men sat at the next table to mine. One of them mentioned that he came from Sydney, Australia. "Ah," said the other, with an accent born somewhere between London and Liverpool, "I've an uncle in Sydney. Got a big brick-works out there. He was the first man that Started making bricks in Australia." CINCH. Gisborne. ' ' " ■ ♦ * . ♦ MORNING TEA MONOLOGUE. Well, Heastertime 'as come once mor« Like it 'as done in days of yore, Bringin' who knows what in its train. Unless it is a'spot uv rain, • ! The which would make folks wild-'rf-mad , ■ After the sunny days we've 'ad. They've laid, by what the shops show, dear, Wonnerful Heaster eggs this year. Talkin' uv such (I mean not those ■. With choclit shells)—do you suppos* I'll give the price they ask today? Not on your life! I'd rather pay Two or three bob, an' without fail, Get lots uv oysters plus some ale, When, as is said, it would befall A 'appy time was 'ad by all, An' no one 'urt. That's what I'll do, If it is all the same to you. A sandfidge, please. I didden try To work out Flage's puzzle. Why? I reckoned 'twas a lotta rot. It strikes me that bootmaker got Jest what was due to 'im—the fool; Maybe 'ed never been to school . Like I was. I was pretty slick At readin' an' arithmetic, But that chap was a silly goat. Fancy asceptin' a dud note, Not knowin' it was crook! But still— , I noo the answer, so did Bill, An' Flage was wrong: 'c lorst two quid, That's what the silly blighter did. You couldn't bluff my "snob" like tha«| Hees 'orny-hearted, cute-'n'-fat, An' wouldn't give a nail away . . « Where are you goin' Anzac Day? * * ■••■■■ ODD NOTES. Dear Flage,—Describing a misadventure, a newspaper used the words "an old man of 56." Tut! If the victim had lived another couple of decades-ha would have been entitled to the honourable term. I have seen 73 lovely summers, and my only disabilities are an acute impecuniosity of the wallet and a cast in the eye (for the ladies). As proof of age, when five years old I paddled in the ocean a chain away ■ from Barrett's Hotel, Lambton Quay. I bowled the other day with an intelligent old cove of 96! A Sydney publication has at times called New Zealand "Maoriland," "Masseyland," "Coatesland." "Shiveryland," etc. Dare it now call God's Own Country "Savageland"? In your column the other, day » lady wrote about some animals with picturesque names. I don't recollect seeing any of these, but when.l return to Auckland will investigate and let you know. . ■ ■ ■ When arriving in Auckland, G. B. Shaw remarked to a reception committee: "I ought to have been dead - years ago." No, no, Bernard. On the contrary, school children ought to be taught to say, "God Bless Shaw!" Coolisb Wellington has open tramcars; hottish Auckland has closed * trams. My word! UNCLE HARRS; j