Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXIX, Issue 128, 1 June 1935, Page 24

Wit and Humour

Lady: So you are on a submarine. What do you do? Sailor: Oh, I run forward, ma am, and hold her nose when we want to dive.

Hayfoot: Hey, your shoes are mixed; you've got the left shoe on the right foot.

Strawfoot: And here for twenty years I thought I was club-footed.

"I can assure you," said the philosopher, "that a good woman's thoughts rise above dress."

"That's right," agreed the cynic. "She's probably thinking of a new hat!"

Willie had gone to visit his cousin in town.

"These pictures," said the cousin, with an air of superiority, "are handpainted." "Well, what of it?" replied Willie. "So's our chicken house."

It was the final phase of the quarrel. "Do you know what you are?" one of the participants asked. "No," was the reply.

"Well, what you want to do is pray you never have the bad luck to find out!"

Barber: A haircut, sir? Man: No, every bloomin' one of them! Barber: Any particular way, sir? Man: Yes, off.

Riblcy: I say, you know that dog you sold me the other day; well, it won't beg for me. Rabley: I should think not; do it yourself. That dog has his pedigree to think about.

Fed-up: I can't get anything on my wireless set. Hard-up: Why not pawn your watch?

Hey, it's pretty fortunate for you this happened in front of a doctor's house. Victim: Yeah—but I'm the doctor!

He (devoutly): I shall devote my life to meeting your smallest desires. She (airily): I wasn't aware I had any small desires! •

"Mose, you lazy rascal, do you think it right to leave your wife at the washtub while you spend your time fishing?" "Oh, yassuh, mah wife doan need no watchin'. She wuk just as hard as if'n I wuz dere."

"Are they fresh?" asked a woman buying fish from a costermonger. The coster looked at his long-dead stock. "Fresh, mum? Why, just look at 'em." And turning to his wares h<s shouted, "Lie still, can't yer? Lie still!"

A lawyer said to the coloured prisoner- "Well, Rastus, do you want me to defend you? Have you any money?" "No suh, I hain't got no money, but I got a 1934 model, can," Rastus replied. "Well, can you raise some money on that? Now, let's see—just what do they accuse you of stealing?" "A 1934 model cah."

Tramp: Lady, won't you help a poor man that lost his family m the Yorkshire flood and all his money in a crash? ~ Housewife: Why, you are the same man that lost a family in the South Wales flood, and was shell-shocked during the war. . Tramp: Yes, lady. I'm the unluckiest guy on the face of the earth.

He was a kind-hearted old man, and it upset him to see the poor little fellow crying. "What's the matter, my little man?" he asked sympathetically. "I'm lost." . "Lost? Nonsense. You mustn t give up hope so soon. Where do you live?" "Don't know," whined the youngster. "W-we've just moved, and I can't remember the address." "Well, what's your name?" "D-don't know." "Don't know?" exclaimed the old man. "No," sobbed the youngster. "M-mother got married again this morning."

First gossip: Why did they separate? Second gossip: Nobody knows. First gossip: Oh, how terrible!

"Aren't you ashamed of yourself begging?" "Madam—l am not begging—l am a professional coin-collector.".

Sergeant: What would you do if an appeal came through for volunteers? Recruit: I would step aside and let them pass.

Accepted swain: I know I'm not much to look at. T,he girl: Still, you'll be at work all day. • .

Judge: Where were you born? Prisoner: Wellington. Judge: Were you brought up there? Prisoner: Yes. Often!

Mrs. Henpecked (sarcastically):. I suppose you've been to see a sick friend —holding his hand all evening! Mr. Henpecked (sadly): If I'd been holding his hand, I'd have made some money.

Mrs. Sambo: Yo' lazy loafer! S'pose I was took ill an' couldn't take in washing, how would you live? Mr. Sambo: Ah never thought ob dat, honey. Ah'll bustle 'round tomorrow and git some health insurance on you.

"I don't believe in associating with my inferiors. .Do you?" "That's all right, old man. I don't mind making an exception in your case."

"How many seasons are there?" asked teacher. "Just two," answered Rachel. "What are they?" inquired the puzzled instructor. • "Slack and busy," replied Rachel.

When a dance-band violinist was married recently his colleagues formed an archway of fiddles. Now the pianist has announced his forthcoming wedding!

A fond father went to a school to see what progress his son was making. In response to his inquiry the principal said: "Your son will probably go down in history—" "That's good news," glowed the parent. ' The principal lifted his eyebrows, and continued: "But he might do better in geography and the other subjects."

Mrs. Smiggs nobly visited her enemy, who was recovering from a serious illness, but could not refrain from being catty. .

"Why, you don't look so bad at all, Mrs. Blank," she remarked. "I don't think you look any worse than you usually do."

"Yes, madam, I survived the Boer War, Boxer Rebellion, and the Great War," said the beggar. "How lucky," replied the lady. "How did you manage to escape injury?" "I just kept away from them," he retorted.

"My wife has been nursing a grouch all the week. "Been laid up, have you?

Older Brother: Freddy, I'm surprised to see you soak your bread m the gravy on the dish. It's exceedingly bad °Freddy: Well, it's awfully good taste.

Diner- I want a nice bit of steak. It must be fillet—not too well done, but not under-done. With two eggs—just set, not too hard. Waiter: Yessir. (At server) Steak and two eggs!

Boarding-house keeper: You'll find this place is just like home. Potential Boarder: Can you direct me to the nearest hotel?

"The missus has gorn light-headed, Bill!"

"Wot? How awful! Delirious, I suppoise?" "Wuss than that, Bill—platinum blonde."

"Where did you get all that money?" "Borrowed it from Wilson." "But I thought he was pretty tight." "So he was."

' "Many a love nest has been furnished on the instalment plan." With a little down, in other words.

"I see you're letting your little boy drive your car." , "Yes, he's still too young to be trusted as a pedestrian."

"My rose," he whispered tenderly, as he pressed her velvet cheek to his. "My cactus!" she said, as she dodged fcis whiskers.

Friend: I bought your book in Hamburg. Author: Oh, so it was you.

Rich man: What! You/are heavily in debt, and you want to marry my daughter? "Yes, of course—unless you can suugest any other way out of "the difficulty."

"Look here, Alice, that boy of ours has been taking money from my pocket." "How can you say such a thing. .You might as well accuse me." "No, it wasn't all taken." . Referee: Hey, the bell rang for the eleventh round. Tired boxer: Aw, let's hit this one out.

"Last night Jack told me I was the handsomest girl he had ever known." "He told me that last year."

"Yes, but he explained to me how his taste had improved in the meantime."

"This is the fifth time I have had to ask you for the money you borrowed off me." "Well, how many times did I have to come to get it lent?"

Peck: My views on bringing up the family are — Mrs. Peck: Never mind your views. I'll bring up the family. You go and bring up the coal.

"You should try this style of dress, madam. It would suit your rather pale complexion." "But I'm not usually so pale, I'm only shocked at the price."

"John, the boot repairer has called for his money." "Tell him he's out of his turn. I haven't paid for the boots yet."

"Now, when we cross the road, my dear," said the old lady to her friend, "don't look round, because if a motor hits us in the back it's their fault, not ours!"

First Actor: Actors generally live to a ripe old age. Second Actor: Another victory for fruit and eggs.

One evening spinach was, served at Oliver's home, and, as usual, there was, a struggle to get him to eat it. "But, dear," said his mother, persuasively, "I know thousands of little boys and girls who would be only too glad to get spinach all the year long." "H'm!" Oliver grunted, sceptically, "name three of them."

"The tired-looking man sat facing the solicitor'.

"So you want a divorce from your wife?" said the solicitor. "Aren't your relations pleasant?" "Mine are," came the answer, "but her's are simply terrible."

Jackson met an old school friend whom he had not seen for .a number of years. "Hallo, old chap," he said, heartily, "I hear you've been engaged for nearly a year. Who is the woman in the case?" "I don't think you know her," replied Jackson. "She's a Miss Terry." The other shook his head gravely. "I understand, old chap," he replied. "I've been married to one for ten years, and she's still a mystery."

A man wrote to a wholesale firm for a book for Boy Scouts. It was delivered in due course with the invoice. By return came a letter asking why the uniform had not been delivered. The wholesaler's assistant was amused but replied that no uniform was issued with the book. A letter, rather indignant in tone, was received stating that the customer still waited for the uniform and asking that they should examine the offer on the back page of the cover, where were the words "Uniform with this Volume."

"What position did you hold in your last situation?" the manager asked the small applicant for the post. "I was a .doer," sir," said the boy, seriously. "A doer! Whatever's that?" "Well, sir, when my boss wanted anything done he would tell the cashier, the cashier would tell the bookkeeper, the bookkeeper would tell the junior clerk, and the clerk would tell me." "And what would happen then?" "As I hadn't anybody to tell, I'd do

In the course of a football match in the North the referee gave one or two doubtful decisions against the home side. The wrath of the spectators was kindled against him,, and he had to have police protection at the end of the game. Back in the dressing-room he warmly thanked his escort;

"Don't thank us,. mister," said the biggest policeman, "we always look after a blind^nan!"

The vicar and his head churchwarden were checking up the subscriptions for the new church hall. The churchwarden paused as he picked up one cheque. "H'm," he said dolefully, "five pounds. Is that' all the squire is giving to the fund? Why, he ought to give at least fifty. The vicar smiled. "Ah," he said gently, "I.expect he forgot the 'ought.'"

The negro preacher had successfully concealed the fact that he had served a term in prison, but years of upright living had not destroyed his fear of eXOne Ur|unday fagm his sermon his heart sank on seeing in one of the front pews a former ceumate. Quick thinking was necessary. He fixed his eye on the stranger ana delivered himself slowly and lmpresS1 "Ah'^takes mah text dis rno'nin* from de sixty-fo' chapter an de fo hundre'th verse ob de Gospel ob Saint John, which says, 'Dem as sees me an knows me an' says nothin', dem will |Ah see later.'"

ACCORDING TO LABEL.

A customer entered the grocery store and said to the assistant: "I donit care much for the pot of jam I had last week; There were too many stalks in '^Assistant: Madam, if you look at the jar again you'll read on it, "Branches everywhere."

ONE VIEW OP IT,

He was asking for the hand of the wealthy man's daughter, and certainly displayed assurance and confidence. "You want to marry my girl Doris!" said the surprised parent. Why, man, you were caddy ing for me only a-year or so back." . . "Oh there's not much m that,' said the applicant. "I don't see why a poor golfer shouldn't make a decent sort of father-in-law."

THE FINAL BLOW.

It was night. The trees bent before the fury of the blast. The slender figure of a girl appeared on the footpath. In the distance another figure appeared. A man! The girl ran towards him with a cry of welcome on her lips. But suddenly the very skies seemed to burst open. A flash of lightning caught ,-. distant oak, and it fell, crashing on to the oncoming man. Terror-stricken now, she crept anxiously forward and knelt down by the still figure. Her heart beat heavily, her face was ashen-white. "Dead!" she cried, aghast. With a hysterical laugh she ran aimlessly off in among tb? trees, caring little for the tempestuous rain. Then suddenly a voice spoke behind her. She turned. "Not enough human interest," said the film director. "Put more life into your acting."