Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXVIII, Issue 36, 11 August 1934, Page 24

Wit and Humour

"My man," said the patonising friend, as | he handed him a cigar,' "that's something like a cigar!" • "Yes," responded the victim after he had taken a puff or two, "but what is it?" "Was your bachelor party a success?" "Rather. We had to postpone the wedding, for three-days!" Vicar's Wife (engaging maid): Have you any religious views: Maid: No. muni, but I've got some nice picture postcards of Brighton and' Worthing. Chauffeur: This, madame, is the hand brake—it's put on very quickly, in case of an emergency. - Madame: I see—something like a kimono. That night under- the stars he swore eternal. love.. '.'But how can Ibe sure you are sincere?" she said. "I expect you deceive all the girls." "Oh, that's an awful libel," he exclaimed. "You're the first, really." First burglar: If I can pick this lock, we can lay our'hands on ten thousand pounds. Second Ditto:. Well, mind you don't break the blade of my penknife! The following correction appeared in a provincial paper:— "Our paper stated last week that Mr. John Doe is a defective in the police force.' This was a typographical error. Mr. Doe is really a detective in the police farce." Higgs: You say that your wife has received an anonymous letter informing her of something you did before your marriage. Well, the best thing you can do is to confess. . Biggs: I know, but she won't let me read the letter, and I don't know what to confess.

Man: Do you girls-really like conceited men better than the other kind? , Girls (simultaneously): What other kind? •'..•!. "Can you forgive me and love me still," said the now-made bride, "when I confess that my teeth are artificial?" "Thank goodness!" cried the groom, as lie snatched off his Avig. "Now I can cool my head!" . ' "Do I understand you to say," asked the Magistrate,: "that when you heard a noiso you got out of bed; turned on the light, and went to the head of the stairs—that a burglar was at the foot of the stairs, and you did not see him? Are you blind?" "Must I tell the exact truth?" asked the witness,. as he mopped his perspiring fa ■'~■ and blushed furiously. "Yes, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." . • ' "Well," -replied the man. slowly, my wife was in front of me." . A clergyman invited a: workman to attend His church. The reply was: "No, guvnor, I've no use for the Church. Only twice I've been,-once when they threw water over me, and a 6econd time when they threw confetti over me." "And I suppose," retorted the clergy-man,-"the next time will.be when they throw dirt over you!" After the locomotive had smashed a gar at the crossing, a flapper rose from the wreckage uninjured and powdered her nose. The' engineer and 'others gathered round. . "Why in the world: didn't you stop when you saw the engine coming?" asked the engineer. The. flapper was indignant. "I sounded my horn before you blew your whistle," she said defiantly. Golfer (to partner in foursome): What was the matter with-you at the sixth and seventh You went all to pieces. If you hadu.'t recovered so wonderfully, we'd haye lost for a cert. Partner:" Well, it. suddenly struck me that I was. to have been married today, but when I remembered I'd nothing fixed for nest Wednesday, I felt O.K. again.

I "Once a friend of mine and I agreed that it would be helpful-for each of us to tell the other all our faults." "How did it work?" "We haven't spoken for five years." Customer:' What have you got in the shape of motor tires? Assistant: Children's hoops, lifebelts, quoits, curtain rings, invalid cushions, gramophone records, and bicycle wheels. Two charwomen were. discussing their husbands, and neither seemed quite.satisfied with her match. "Anyway," ■ said one, resignedly, 'I II say this much for my man —he's a gentleman at heart. He hates work." The rich uncle wrote to his nephew: "I am sending'you the £10 you requested but must draw your attention to an error in your last letter; 10 is-written with one nought, not two." .' • Her Father (crossly): Eh! What do you say? Want to marry my daughter? Speak out, young man. Youth: Yes, sir, that was my .intention, but she said there was no use asking you; you were so cross and irritable —never did anything she wanted. "Oh, indeed!" snorted the old gentleman; "she said that, did she? The impertinent monkey! I'll show her she's quite wrong. You may have hotI,' young man." ■ ■ .. The harassed clerk at the Labour Exchange was having a busy time taking particulars of claims for unemployment benefit. One applicant was anxious to obtain the additional "benefit due to him on reaching the age of twenty-one. "I'm twenty-one today!" he exclaimed. The clerk'looked fiercely at him. "Well," he shouted, "what do you want me to do—bake a birthday cake?"

He leaped gaily up • the front -steps, ■flowers under one : arm, a box of chocolates under the other. At the door he was confronted by her little brother. "Hullo, Johnny." . . "Hullo!" . • "Sister expecting me?" • - "Yes." ' ; .;.',■■. "How do you know?" , "She's gone out." . Mrs.. Gordon rushed into the house in a state of great alarm. "Tatamas, Tammas!" she exclaimed, "there's a cow in the garden." ■ 1 "Dinna stand there wastin'' valuable time,"' replied Tammas. "Get back and milk.it before it gets, out." '~'.. "Time after time," said the big-game hunter, "the lion' sprang at me, and time aftertime as he leapt I threw myself forward and lie went harmlessly over my head. Eventually the animal gave up the j attempt to fell me and trotted off into the jungle: ' The following ; day I came to a cliff overlooking' the sea, and there on the beach I saw-that same lion. I stood transfixed at its antics." "What'was he'doing?" ■ "What was he doing?" said the hunter, dramatically. "Perhaps you won't believe me, but that lion'was practising short jumps." . , THE SECOND SIGHT: "Dotty broke with Jack." "Why?" ■■:'• " :' ': "He said he fell'in love with her at first sight." • ' . ■ "What's wrong with that? • "Well, he met her at/a 'masquerade." RESULT OF;TRIAL. "Well, Judge,"' said tho waiter, "wlvut'll you-all have foh breakfast ? Has you cber tried en'ny.of ouah. boiled eggs, sah?" "Yes," .responded the Judge, "and I found them guilty." , t _ GIVING THE GAME AWAY. Hostess: So you've been wintering in Canada, doctor? How. nice. Did you do much sleighing? . Doctor'(absently): No, I only lost one patient. . .

! DEFINITELY.- . He: Do you remember when we first met'in the revolving door at the bank? She: But that wasn't, the first time we met. . He: Oh, well, that's when we started going round together, wasn't it? . MYSTERY. , . "What are the seven ages pi woman?" "Her real age, and cix guesses." RETIRED. "Give me a cigarette." "I'm sorry; I've given it up.w"What, smoking?" ~ ■ . ■ "No, giving." . ; . EASY. Applause is cheap. It may be had for a mere song. DEFINITION. Experience. is what we find when we are looking for something else. . , OVERHAULED. She: So you're late because you had your car overhauled? He: Yes, by some smart speed ■ cop. ; THRILLING. ; • Tom: How do you like to read mystery novels? ■-■ . • Jack: With every light in the housp turned on. ' ' THE SAME THREE. "I. get three, pounds a week and my wife gets three pounds a week, too." "Gee, doesn't.that make six pounds?" "No, I ■ get it. first and she, gets it afterwards." ■ THE GENTLE HINT. Voyager: Doesn't this ship tip a great deal? ( . Steward: No, sir, not that I've noticed. She leaves that to the* passengers, sir. HOUSEHOLD LOGIC. Johnny: Mother/ won't you give me that chocolate now? Mother:-Didn't I fell you I wouldn't give you any unless you kept still? Johnny: Yes,-, but-—- V Mother: Well, the longer you keep still the sooner you'll get it. GOOD OLD DAYS. Mother was telling. stories of the time when she was a little girl. Little HaroM listened thoughtfully as she told of riding a pony, sliding down a haystack, and paddling in the creek on the farm., Finally he said 'with a' sigh: I wish I had met you earlier,, mother. HIS METHOD. "How do you account for your success as a futuristic painter?" "I always use' a. model with hiccups." HALF SETTLED. "Dad promised to pay half our expenses after we're manied." "Good! Now, all we have to dp is to find somebody to pay the, other, half." OBLIGING. Bus Conductor' (to old lady who has just handed him two halfpennies and four faithings in payment for twopenny fare): That's all right, mum; anything will do. Next time bring one or two empty jam jais. HOOKED. Mabel:1 So you and Jim are to be married? Why, I thought it was only a mere flotation. Helen: So did Jim. ' PROBABLY SO. "I tell . you,". said Mabel's father, "Charley. Slogo has a. level head." "Very likely," replied Mabel,' sweetly, "probably that is what makes his convoisation so flat." FOOLING, HIM. A holiday-maker- in Ireland hired a cab to take him into the country, and had not proceeded far when it pulled up at the foot of a very steep hill. The driver appeared at the door. "What are you at, my man?" asked the traveller. "This isn't where. I.told you to stop." "Whist!" murmured the driver. "Im only deceiving the beast and all. If I barn? the door he'll think you're out, and he'll cut up the hill like the divil." ITS USE. Teacher: 'What is bread chiefly used for, Johnny? Johnny: Please, sir, bread is chiefly used to spread butter and jam on. ALL DEPENDS. "What is the new building you have put upon the hill there?" asked a curious visitor of a farmer. "Well," replied the farmer, "if I find a tenant for it, it's a bungalow; it I don't, it's a barn!" TRAINED. Mrs. Smith: And so your daughter is about to many. Do you really tool that she is ready for the battle of life? Mrs. Jones: She should be ready. She s been in four engagements already." ONE AYE. Sonny, aged six, has just been told that sailors always addressed their officers with "Aye, aye, sir." • j After thinking over this for some little time, the little chap very seriously remarked: Well, they didn't,say that in.Nelson's time, because "he only had one eye!" '. MORE USEFUL. , '-' The young couple had. just moved into a new house, and .'they•■ stood surveying the situation.' :. ■ "I'wish," said;she, "that this carpet was1 velvet." -'.-■'■, . 7 ,-. "I don't," he replied, unfeelingly. "1 wish it was down." 'PLAIN.FACT. The local newsboy found his "football editions"'not selling1 so'well; so he hit on a bright idea. - ■ i ■■ At the street corner he called, "Famous footballer ■ shot." ■ He soon sold out.. . His last" customer said. "I can't see anything about ashofi footballer." * The boy replied, "Yes, sir;'lie shot, but he didn't score!" • • : : VERY,'HEALTHY/ An old gentleman had just arrived at a seaside hotel, and .was, pestering, the reception' clerk for. information:' "Are' you sure this is a'healthy spot?" he asked. ■■.-■'■•'■.' . . The! clerk, smiled confidently. "Healthy?"- he echoed." "I should say it is. Why,- a,little while 'ago an'old fellow came here in a bathchajr, and after stajing for a fortnight, lie ran away without paying his bill." ■ • ■' ; • ■ ' EMBRYO.' New Boarder: And what's .the food like here? . •■•■... Old-Boarder: Oh, we get chicken every morning. . ' ; " ' ' ' New Boarder: That's great!' Roasted? Old Boarder: No—in it's shell! EXPRESSIVE. Policeman, (to • motorist): Why didn't you slow down. . Didn't you see that notice back there, "Slow Down Here?" ' Motorist: Yes, but',l,thought it referred to your village! POSTPONED.' Bully (to email boy): Why run away? I thought you said you* could lick me with one hand tied behind your back? Small Boy: I'm just going home to get some string. ' ' . HE : MISUNDERSTOOD. Traveller: Good morning, sir. I am representing a debt' collection agency. We are prepared: to buy . your outstanding debts. '„-'■•■, v Business Man: Come inside. You can have mine for nothing. I've owed them long enough' myself. PERMANENT CURE. "I know a man who has influenza all the. time." . "Doesn't he know that whisky is good for influenza?" ..„,,,. „ "That's why he,has it all the time.