Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXVII, Issue 17, 20 January 1934, Page 20

Wit and Humour

The sergeant was talking to a squad of recruits.. ; ■:

"For the last time," he shouted, "I ask you thie simple question: What is a fortification?"

The recruits stood fast. No one answered. Striding up to the most intelligent-look-ing man, the n.c.o. bawled: "Tell me, what is a fortification?".

The man hesitated, then replied meekly: "Two twentificatiohe, sir."

Scribbler, a struggling writer, had his bank book out once, when a friend noticed an inscription on the front and a6ked what it was.

Scribbler held it before him and displayed the words: "Dedicated to my wife."

' Agent: Is the boss of the house in? Proud Father: Yes; he's asleep upstairs in his cradle. •

Smith: I 6hall be everlastingly indebted to you, old man, if you'll lend me, a sovereign. Tomkins: Yes, I know you will—that's the trouble.

"Your father is an old crank," said the youth who had been told it was time for him to go. .

Her father overheard the remark. "A crank is necessary in case of the lack of a self-starter," was his answer.

The guests had all fed well at the Scotsman's Christmas dinner. When everyone had finished his share of the Christmas pudding the. host rose and made the following speech:—

"Friends, would the gentleman who found sixpence in the pudding kindly return threepence change, as the cook dropped the saxpencein by accident?"

The teacher at the school for deaf .nd dumb children was delivering her weekly lesson on good manners. •

"Children," she wrote on the blackboard, "here is what I want you to memorise this week: 'I must not talk with my hands full.' " ;

Teacher: An anonymous person is one who does not wish to be known —who's that laughing in the class?

Small Voice: An anonymous person, sir,

A Bhopkeeper was ■ persuaded ifi insure his premises against fire. After the formalities had been completed the shopman said, "Now, let me understand this properly. If my shop catches fire tonight; how much will I get?" * • . ■

"Well," said the afjjent, _ with a crim smile, "taldnc recent events into consideration. I should say about ten years."

He: Why did they hang that picture? She: Perhaps they couldn't fiud the artist. ■

NOT WHAT SHE THOUGHT,

TOO LONG.

A man who had been celebrating, unwisely, but well, came upon a^ workman digging a hole. - ' , > "Whatsh you doing?" he asked. ~ "Digging a tunnel, said the workman affably, ■ ', "Where's it going?" asked the jolly one. "Under the river," replied the workman. ' "And how long will it take?", went on the other. . "About three or four years," the workman told him. "Well," said the persistent one, "I can't wait all that time. I think I'll take a taxi.''''

NO SAILOR.

"A life on the ocean wave, it's grand," said Brown, who had just finished describing the beautiful sea and skies on his return from a Mediterranean cruise. "What do you. thing of it, Green?" "No more cruises for me," replied Green. "As far as I am concerned, they are all 'bunk'!" ■,■■■'.■

HUSH!

Doctor: You confess that you are badtempered. I suppose I need hot tell you that science has discovered that your bad temper is caused by an ugly, old, little microbe?' 1 Married Male: Hush, doctor! My missus wouldn't need. to hear you talking like that about her!

Husband: Darling, what has happened? Why have you that plaster over your left eye?' . " . ■ Wife: Plaster! That's my new hat.

The city investor was entering the Stock Exchange one morning when he felt a tug on his arm and turned to see an old fellow who looked like a farmer. "Hey, mister," he said, "this is the Stock Exchange, isn't it?" "Yes," replied the city man.. "Well, it's a funny thing," said the other, "I bin 'ere for two hours and 'aven't seen a cow or anything yet. Is there a back entrance where they bring them in?" .

A newly-married" couple were entertaining,l and amongst the guests was one whose conduct wa's rather flippant. At supper he held up on his fork a piece of meat which had been served him, and in a vein of intended humour\ remarked: "Is this pig?" "To which end. of the fork do you refer?" asked a quiet-lookinff man sitting at the other end of the table.

■His wife began to laugh at him. "You silly, she said, fancy being superstitious after all -these years! Why* do you remember the first time we met? We walked under a ladder, and you said you were sure something horrible would happen to you." "Well?" said he.

A BOOMERANG.

"She broke him of. smoking so that he /:ould save money." : / "And did he save money?"

"Yes. He got so interested in saving money that he broke off their engagement so that he could save still more."

A USEFUL HABIT.

They had just become engaged. "Sweetheart," she said, coyly, snuggling closer, "when we are married you won't expect me to give up all my spinster ways, will you?" :

"Why, no, darling," he replied, fondly. "Indeed, it will be a good idea to continue some of them—getting your, pocket money from your father, f'r instance."

THE RIGHT MAN.

Mr. Meek: I admire a;man very much who gays the right thing at the right time.

Mr,-Mild: Yes, so do I, especially when I am thirsty.

The new vicar was ■ calling upon one of his parishioners.

"I hear," he said, "that you have a son in the film business in-Hollywood?" "That I have," . replied the woman, proudly. '

How long has he been in America, Mrs. Smith?" "Five years." "Indeed! And does he ever come home?" "Every'summer, regularly." "And brings his wife with him, I Buppose." "That is so.'And they've been five smart girls, too."

STRAIGHT,

Staylaight: May I come and see you again?

Miss Wobbins:. \yell, I can't see how you can very well unless you go this time. ' ~

GOOD ADVICE,

She (learning to drive car): Help, George! Help! The brakes won't act! He: All right. Keep cool and try to hit something soft.

She: A pretty time of night for you to come home!

He: A pretty time of night for you to be awake!-

She: I stayed awake for the last four hours waiting for you to come home.

He: And I have been • keeping myself awake for the last four hours at the club waiting for you to go to sleep.

Little Willie was sent to the hospital doctor with a note which ran :—

"Please, will you do something to Willies face? He's had it a long timo and it's1 spreading."

Betty: I hear you've broken off your engagement with Jimmy? Ida: Yes, I have. He told me that he was a salesman in the lace trade, and I discovered him selling bootlaces next door.

QUICK ACTION.

Willie was spending -his first night in the country- The family cat was dozing near the kitchen stove. Suddenly Willie grabbed its tail and pulled furiously. "My boy," remonstrated the hostess, "why are you so cruel to the cat?" 'Tin not cruel," said Willie. "I pulled her away from the fetove because she was starting to boil."

NO HURRY.

, A man met his doctor in the street and stopped him to .say: "Oh, I say, doctor, such a peculiar thing has happened to my wife. I think she must have got lockjaw, for she can't open her mouth at all." Then, after a short pause, he added: "Could you look round in about^a week's time, and see if you can do anything for her?"

NOT WHAT HE MEANT.

A man in the- pit stalls was greatly annoyed by continual conversation in the row behind.

"Excuse me," he said, "but we can't hear a word that's being said." ,

"Oh," replied the talkative one, indignantly. "And is it any business of yours what I'm telling my wife?"

NO LONGER FRIENDS.

Fred and Tom were old pals, but hadn't met for two years. After the usual interchange of greetings, Tom exclaimed, "1 hear sou are friendly with Polly Andrews." "What nonsense," declared Fred. "We're married!"

THE WISE MEN

Wife: Are all men as stupid as you are? \ • : .

Husband: No, my dear. Some of them are still bachelors.

TOO LATE

Hubby: I've made up my mind to stay at home this evening. Wifey: Then you must stay alone. I've made up my face to go out.

TENDER-HEARTED,

There was a terrific crash. The grocer hurried. out of his shop- and saw hie plate-glass- window shattered to pieces, while down the road ran.the obvious culprit.

Without wasting .much time the grocer streaked after him and caught him at the end of the road.

"Now, then," he said, shaking the boy vigorously, "what do you mean by breaking tay window and running away ?" The boy raised two pleading eyes. "Oh, sir," lie replied, "I couldn't bear to see my ball go through all that pane."

A well-known politician was chatting with a friend in a London hotel when a stranger approached him and said: "Can I see you for a moment, Mr. Dash?"

. "Certainly," replied Mr. Dash, rising. The young man led him- across a long room and seemed to have something very important to impart to him. Arrived in a corner, the stranger whispered in Mr. Dash's ear, "I'm on the staff of an evening paper, and I should like you to tell me what you think about the situation in Germany."

Mr. Dash looked puzzled at first; then he said: "Follow me."

Leading the way, he walked through the reading-room, down' some steps into the drawing-room, then through a long passage into the dining-room. At last, drawing his visitor into a corner, he whispered: "Sorry, but I really don't know anything about it." , i

A man staying in a North of England hotel wished to summon the chambermaid. The only bell he could discover was in the bathroom attached to his bedroom. He rang several times without result. Later, having dressed, he encountered the chambermaid in the corridor and .reproached her with having failed to answer.

"Which bell did you ring, sir?" she asked.

"The bathroom bell."

"Ah, but, sir, you'shouldn't have used it. That's only, to be used in case you faint or drown, in the bath." ' ,

QUITE CLEAR?

Motorist: Is it far to the next" town? Native: Well, it seems further than it is, but you'll find it isn't.

LITTLE DIFFERENCE.

"I don't know what to do—learn to drive a car or learn to play golf." "Well, there's not much difference, only when you are learning to play golf you don't hit anything,"

REASON TO BE PLEASED.

Did father seem pleased," asked the newly-engaged girl of her young man, when you told . him of the £200 you had saved?" ■ "I think so. He borrowed it.'-'

EVIDENCE!

The man stood in the dock charged with having uttered spurious coin. i When the defendant's premises were searched, said the; Judge, "was anything suspicious discovered?" "Yes," said the constable. "We found a book which was entitled 'An easy way to make money at home.'"

. The engaged pair were talking over the future. "Darling," she said, "when you marry me you'll have a woman in the house who really knows how to cook." He looked surprised. "But, dearest," he said happily; "I didn't know' that you were a good cook." She shrugged her shoulders. "I'm not," came her reply; "but when we're married my mother is coming to live with us." .

They had just returned from their first motoring tour, and were trying to impress their friends with recitals of all they had seen.

And," someone remarked, "I suppose, during those long runs, you went through large tracts of barren waste?"

"Oh, rather*," they chimed. "Hasn't lie a perfectly wonderful estate!"

Schoolmaster: What is the plural of penny? Class;(in chorus): Tuppence.- ■■;■••'

HE KNEW,

"My daddy's a bookkeeper," said' Bertie1 proudly. ' "I know it," replied his little playmate. He has several of my daddy's."

UNANSWERABLE.

Here is a true story from Scotland. The relatives of. the late lamented were suggesting to the village undertaker than the price charged for the coffin was excessive.

The old man pondered the complaint slowly.

"Weel," he said, "there's nae a job like this ever comes back for repairs."

THEY LET HIM GO.

"Yes," said • the famous strong, silent hero' of the films, "when our entire company was captured by cannibals on that remote island I was the only one to escape." ■ /

"How did it happen?" he. was asked. "Waal, folks," he drawled, "ye see, their chief had kind o' heard o' me as a tough guy, and his teeth weren't too good that morning!"

SHE WASN'T AFRAID.

Jack and Jill, strolling along the street the other day, parted company. Only for a moment, though. Jack passed round the foot of a ladder standing in their way, -while Jill walked boldly underneath. "Don't you feel nervous, walking under a ladder like that?" queried Jaek> . ~., "Certainly not," replied Jill. "I've no time for such superstitious nonsense, assides, I had my fingers crossed!" :

"You must find that impediment in your speech rather inconvenient at times. Mr.Brown?" "Oh," n-no; everybody has little P-pe-culiarities. Stammering is m-mine. What is y-yours?" "Well, really, Mr. Brown, Tarn not j aware that I have anj'." "D-do you stir y-your tea with your right hand?" Why, yes." . . ' . . - "W-well, that is your peculiarity; most p-people u-u6e a t-teaspoon," i