Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXVI, Issue 145, 16 December 1933, Page 22

Wit and Humour

"Does the giraffe get sore throat if he gets wet feet?" "Yes, but not until the next week."

"Dad, what's dignity ?"■

"Dignity, my boj', is what you think you possess until the boss says, 'What is the meaning of this?' "

Reveller: I say, officer, which, is the other side of this street? Policeman; Over there, of course. Reveller: Why, I've just asked over there and they sent me over here.

"Tell me, darling," he asked the girl to .whom he had just become engaged, : "have you been asked before to get married?"1 "Yes, dear," she answered. • '--Father and mother have often asked me to."

"Do you know, old chap, there's something about Peggy Prim that appeals to me? I don't1 really know what it is, though," • "I think I know, old boy," commented his friend. "It's her purse."

THE REAL ERROR. The owner of-, a; cheap .watch brought.it iuto the jeweller's shop to see what could he dftno tor it. "The mistake I'made,' o£ course,I', he admitted, "was in dropping it." "Well, I don't suppose you could help that," the jeweller remarked. "The mistake you made was in picking it up."

SUSPENDED JUDGMENT. They took their seats in the'carriage. Mac took out his pipe and lit it, and Sandy produced a cigar. "Hallo, rabn," said Mac, "where did ye get that cigar?" '' ■■ ■ ■■ , \ "A body gave it to me," replied Sandy, preparing to light it. , .'■ y "A fr-r-iendS" asked Mac. "I dinna ken," replied the other. "I haven't smoked it.jet."

A JOB FOR SOMEONE. "Darling, I've bought you a simply marvellous washing-up machine. ' You just press a button and the work's done." j "Urn-hum!—and who's going to press the button?"

Policeman (to burglar, whose pockets are bulging with silver ornaments): What are you doing carrying these things in your pockets ? Burglar (sarcastically): Oh, we haven't ■enough room for them on our sideboard.

First Steeplejack: Where's that fellow you took on yesterday—the chap that used to be an artist? Second Ditto: Oh, he was too conscientious. Soon as he laid a coupler bricks' 'c stepped back off the scaffolding to admire Jis work.

When a certain city went over to its new broadcasting station it is told that the man in the control room, who had to make notes on the services and describe any faults, or noises, gave the following report on one of the services" broadcast from a church: "Minister blasting badly. Congregation faint."

"Gosh, what a night,'' said an Irishman at the patty. "It's simply pouring." "You can't go home in that downpour/ remarked the host. "You'd better stay the night with us,"

The Irishman disappeared, returning an hour later, dripping wet.

"Where have you been?" asked his host: ! "Home for my pyjamas, replied the Irishman.

Mother was telling Tommy how to behave at the party. . , ' "Now," she said, "if they pass the cake a second time you must say, 'No, thanks; I've had plenty.' And don't you forget it."

All went well with .:■; Tommy until the hostess said kindly, "Won't you have.another piece of cake?" "No, thanks. I've had enough,, and don't you forget it," was the astonishing reply.

It was nearly dark when they came across an. urchin ■ standing by a hole on the golf links, so they asked the reason.

"Well, I was walkin' past 'ere before dinner 'n a man says ter mind this 'ole. I've, been mindin' it ever since.. 'E's sure; ter give me> somfethin' wlien 'c comes back." . .

"My dad must have got into all sorts of mischief when he was a boy." ■

"What makes you'think so?"

"He knows exactly what questions to, ask me when he wants to find out what I've been doing/ .

Miss Jones: What has become of our friend Mr. Notts?

Sir. Brown: He has taken employment in a powder mill for six months. Miss Jones: How strange! Mr. Brown: Not at all. He wished to break himself off smoking. *

The diner scanned the imposing list of fish on the menu. At last he decided on hi? choice and- said, "I'll have grilled whiting, please."

The waitcir thereupon Walked over to the kitchen window and shouted, "Fish for one "

"How much of the bench do you want?" asked the carpenter, annoyed At the other man taking up too much o! it.

"Only enough for a man to lean oft com' fortably/?' the other Replied,

Warder: You are to leave here toda; Prisoner (who has bad a year of peace. What have I done' wrong now?

Lady Customer: How can you tell imitation pearls from the real ones? Salesman: Madam, you do not tell. You keep that to yourself.

Wife: I. sec some Canadian has invented a buttonless shirt. Husband (sareasticallj'): That's nothing new. I wear them regularly.

Jack: 3ly chief has the worst memory I ever heard of. Bill: Forgets everything, doss he? Jack: Eather not. He remembers everything.

First Striker: What are we out for this time, Bill? Second Striker: Shorter hour?. First Striker: 'Ear, 'ear! I always said CO minutes was too long.

• : -.'" THE WEAKNESS. i . "What did she do when she heard about her legacy?" "Ran out and bought a uew. hat." '•Ah, I was afraid it would go to her head." .. ~ ■

SERVICE. A man dropped into the drug stdre and .isked for some ant powder. "Will .you lake it with you?" politely inquired the derk. ''•"'! ''Xo, thank you." said the customer I pleasantly. '"I'll just *end them around, I and you can rub, it on them." |

THE WAITRESS AND THE MAN. The waitress who had taken the ntftft's j order some tune £go now returned to his table dteep in meditation. \, "Ah," said the customer brijjhtiy, "a penny for your thoughts, young lady." The iiirl raised a pair of worried eyes. "Well, sir." She said, "we are very busy I today, arid I was just wondering whether: you were a stewed rabbit or a boiled Wl!" : '

The Scotsman slowly and carefully counted out the exact amount of his taxi fare and handed the money to the driver. "I have known gents what gives a bit over," observed the taxi-driver. "Ay," said McPherson. ''That's why I asked yo to stop under the lamp." ,

The new hand was strolling round (he farm. He had only arrived that morn-, ing. : ; He came to a windmill with 4 number of cows resting under it. "You are very kind to your cows, sir,*' the now hand remarked that night. "How do you make that out?" tile farmer asked.' ' ' "'• ' "I noticed the big. fans that you have for keeping the cows cool in the hot weather," the new hand replied. - j

Bandit: Hands up! Out with all the money you've, got. Post Office official: One minute ( p'le»se; kindly fill up this withdrawal fotft.

Magistrate: What's, your ■ eXcuSfe this time? .; . . ■ ■ Old offender: Stop me if you'yft heard this one before.

Mrs. Brown: What does your husband prefer for breakfast? . ' Mrs. Smiffey: Anything 1 don't happen to have in the .house.

"Jones always strikes me as an indolent sort of chap." ' '

"Indolent? Why, he's-,»o lazy, that he always runs his car over a bump to knock the ash off his.cigar."

"Does your father know I -write poetry!" asked the suiter. • . ' '

"Not* yet, dear," replied his wife-to-be. "I've told him about all your other faulty but I wanted to see how he took them before I mentioned that."

A country newspaper came out with this in its advertising column^:— "For sale, a splendid bakfery business, huge oven; owner has been in it for 12 years." ~

Young Betty was watching her mother's friend spread a piece of bread and jam. "Why, Mrs. Blank, mummy said that you put on too much jam—and you don't."

Salesman: "Yes, sir, of all our cars this is the one- we feel confident and justified in pushing."

Prospective Customer: "That's no good to me, I want one to ride in."

"Smiggs has been boasting that his daughter is now a finished musician."

"Yes>" remarked.a neighbour of Smiggs, "and elie vfdwld 'be finished if a few people; living nearby c6uld have their wa.y." i." ■•■ . -

"It's :.a funny thing, but every time I dance with you the dances, seem very short."

"They are. ily. fiance is leader of the orchestra." . . .

Father: Tommy, •what's your little brothei' crying so mtieh about?. Tommy: 'Cause I'm eating my cake and won't;give.him any. Father: Is his own cake finished? Tommy: Yes; an' he cried whfeii I *a£ eating th4t, toft,

.... THRIFT. . . . "Milher, can I hao sixpence to gang to the pictures?" "No, ye canna; ye can hae a. bit gorgonzola cheese for supper, an' that'll ,gie ye the nightmare,, which is just as excitin' as. buy picture."

SEAT RETORT.'' Angry Motorist: Some of you pedestrians walk along as if you owned the streets. Irate Pedestrian: Yes, and some of you motorists drive about as if you owned the car! \

HIS SCORE. A man had just; had his first game of golf and returned to the clubhouse flushed with, pride. "What was your score?" asked a fellow-member. _ I "Seventy-two," replied the novice. i "Seventy-hvc? That's jolly good!"' | '•It's not so bad," agreed the novice, j "but I'm hoping to do better at the second hole." , ■ .

FAMILY PROSPECTS. She said solemnly; "I cannot marry you because I do not love you. But I will be your sister." I "Good," he answered, "and how much do you think our father \vi]l leave us when he dies? ■ >' ■ .

SEEKING- RELIEF. ( The speaker had been droning on for half an hour and showed no signs of ceasing: A guest sitting near .was nodding drowsily. A gentle tap from the toastmaster's hammer aroused him slightly, but he soou dropped off again. The toastmaster hastily, wielded his hammer oiice move.

"Harder," murmured the drowsy one. ■'Hit me harder. I can still hear him."

THE VERY IDEA. The liner was striking heavy weather in mid-ocean, and some of the passengers were beginning to feel very uncomfortable. After watching a miserable-looking man who was bending over the side o£ thevsllip, a fair young thing turned to the woman at her side. "Your husband is a poor sailor, is he not?" "Certainly not," said the woman, "he is j i a rich stockbroker.

I' - IT WAS FOR HIM. Two undergraduates met in the corridor ■ of one of the colleges. "Hallo!" said ouo. "Where have you been all the morning?" "Taking part in a guessing contest," replied the other wearily. . "But 1 thought you had an examination in maths, this morning," put in the first. "I did—that's what I mean."

SCOTTISH STRATEGY. * "Children in arms nqt admitted," said the notice outside the hall. However, after argument at the door the Scot, his wife, and baby were allowed in, but were warned that if, the child cried they would be asked to leave and their entrance money would be returned. Heilf-way through the entertainment i\ngus asked his wife what she thought of it.' : , "Not much/ was thereply. : I "Same here," Angus agreed, "pjnch th» bairn."

•'"You"have changed a good deal since I ■saw you last," she remarked to an acquaintance. "For the better or the ■worse?" . "My dear, you could only change for the better." .

• At a meeting of his creditors, Isaacs was j asked to make an offer. "Vel," he replied, "the best I can do is two shillings in der pound." "Ridiculous!" said the principal creditor. "Veil, den, half a crown," replied the debtor.. "Hopeless," was the reply. "Now,- listen," said Isaacs. "I'll do-my best to make it three shilings, but. believe me, gentlemen, I shay lose money by it!" ■-...■•

Gent: "Why is it, Brown, that,-although you are a gardener, I never see you wearing a buttonhole?, Brown: Well,"'sir, do .you ever see a butcher going about Tyith a pork chop hanging round his neck?" ' ■ I

Child: Mummy, do angels have wings? "Yes, dear." .."Do'tHey fly, mummj'?" ' • "Yes, dear." "Well, daddy said nurse vras an angel last night. AVhen will she fly?" "Tomorrow, dear," replied mother.

"Mrs. Smith is an unfortunate womanrher husband never comes home before four, in the morning." ' •• "How do you know?"' ' "He brings toy husband with him."

Firit Actfets: Oh, dear, I'm worried. Second" Actress: How's that'? ' Firfct Actress: My publicity man has not kept the recofds straight, arte} *t>w I find I have 'had two more divorces than I've had weddings. '

"Does your, husband try to" understand you?" ... :■■"'.. ■ ; ' "Yes, indeed, He always. asl^a twice when I tell him "what I want." \

•■ Accused: How could I commit jfoi'gery When I can't write my own-name? Judge: Yo.u are Hot accused1 of writing your own name. ' . ;

Boctpr: Well, • Thomas,- -how are you?" Thomas: I'be better, th an lj was, sir; but I ain't as well'as I Was before I was as bad as I be noTV."

"My word, you have the literary gift, all right. Have you ever? tried writing for moneys" ,: "Often;; but my mher never takes any notice."

" Constable Pinchetti, With a disgusted lobk oa Lis face, Waa looking At «orne lambs in the churchyard. "Whit's Wrong, constablet" eftmeofle Wk6d. ■■■ , "Some people think they're smart, he gTOunted. "Someone rang up and told me they were gambling in this yard1." 1

"What did the doctor say was the matter with you after that car ran over you?" ' ■. ■ "He told me I was run down.

Mother: Why don't you want to take thi* castor oil? You know it;s very good for you. . Tjjmniie: Ah, I can't swallow that.

Judge (sternly): The nest person who interrupts the proceedings will be rer moved ffom the Court.

Prisoner: Hooray!

She: 1 am simply delighted at the tmnv ber and value of our wedding presents.

He: I'm not. Most of them come from people who are not yet married.

"Why are you eating dog-biscuits?" "The doctor said I was to take more animal food." '•

"What is that;something that tears a man away from his dreams and brings him to lace the cold realities of life?" "An alarm' clock."

The two taxi-drivers glared at each other. "What's the matter with you?" demanded one.

"Yer gave me a-, nasty look," replied the other. "Me? You certainly 'aye a nasty look, but I never give it to yer."

"Xow, what's the use of having cash if you don't know how to enjoy it?" "And what's the use of knowing how to enjoy it if you haven't got any?"

Lovesick Flapper: I am so happy. I am' marrying the man I. want.

Seasoned Aunt: True happiness, niy dear, comes from marrying -the man someone else wants. ',"

Brown had been offered a lift on. a cotititry road, and had accepted gratefully, But lie found his benefactor ivas a most reckless drircr, and his hair almost stood on end.- • ■ "I s-say," ho faltered, "you took that ccorner at si-sixty! ■ You ought to be in a lunatic asylum!" ''That's awfully clever of you," said the aftabk stranger, taking another corner at a terrific speed. ''This is the second time I've escaped in the last sis months!"-