Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXVI, Issue 31, 5 August 1933, Page 17

Wit and Humour

Alex: I was shocked to hear that Dick had run ofi with your wife. I thought he was your best friend..

Matthew: He is—but he doesn't know it yet. , ■'.■■■■

Dad was travelling in Greece. One day a picture postcard., arrived for his small son and daughter. ■ "What does Daddy say?" asked mother. Billy read the message:—. "This is the mountain from which the ancients used to throw their defective children. Wish you were both here. —:Djid."

Dick: How did your brother hurt his leg? : • . • ' Joe: Do you see those steps Dick: Yes. Joe: Well, my brother didn^t.

"Where do I catch the southern express?" a pompous man aske"di the porter. ''Turn to your left and you'll be right." "Novr, don't try to be funny, young man." ■ . "All right, then. Turn to your right and you'll be left."

"Now, my little boy," said the parson, "if your mother gave you a large apple and a small apple and told you to give ,one to your brother, which would you give him?" " "Do you mean my big brother or my small brother?" .

A farmer turned into his-gate and met a swaggie .coming' out. The ewaggie, greeted by a friendly "Hullo!" mistook the farmer for another wanderer in quest of a meal. ' "Say, mate," the swaggie confided, "don't go in there. The cooking's notup to much."

The second shouted at the boxer: "Hit 'im!. Hit'im!" He vainly entreated his principal, but the heavyweight ■ aspirant, hopelessly outclassed, failed to comply. He recoiled dazed from the vicious attack and clutched despairingly at the ring-post. . "Not with thati you fool," shouted his second. "You'll get disqualified."

Henry was taking the car inio town to do the shopping. "Don't forget to bring something for the rats/ called Betty as he was. about to leave. . . "Not me," he replied. "If they are not satisfied with what is in the house they can leave."

The two. students were hard at work. Book* were strewn aver the , table, and the youths' brows were furrowed with worry. ' "I say," remarked one, "what does omnipresent mean?" His companion looked up. "It means übiquitous." "Thanks," replied his mate. "But what does übiquitous mean?" "I don't know," came the answer.

A Scotsman arrived in London without having arranged accommodation'1 for the night, and was put up by a friendly Englishman he met at the station. " : Next morning, after breakfast, the host said: , , ' "Well, was your bed comfortable? Did you sleep well?" > ' "Ay, like a top," said the Scot. "Did you enjoy • your supper last night?" ■.: "It was grand." ,' ■ '' ' "Was your breakfast to your liking?" 'fYcs, it was a fine breakfast." ; fWell—er—how about ten. shillings?" "Moh," beamed the delighted Scot, "it would be a 1 godsend." .

Hungry Husband (spending Christmas in a well-known hotel): iierle, this soup is terribly weak;:'. . ■/ . Wife: Be quiet. It's done on purpose, so that the guests can see the pretty design in the bottom of the dish. .

Jimmy: Mother, did I hear you say if I did a thing badly I was to do it again? "Yes; why do you ask?" ' Jimmy: Because sister said I did not eat my Christmas pudding properly. Shall I eat it again?

' "I hear that Rose is to be married at last. Who is the happy man?" "Her father."

First Film Star: I'm sick of married life! Second Star: My dear! Well, you can always get a divorce. , _ ' First Star: Oh, but I'm eick of that, too! ■

Brown: I'm .going to marry and settle down... Smith: I think you'd better remain single aud settle' up.

Teacher (giving lesson .on reigning monarchs): Which ruler inspires the most respect and fear? Pupil: The one in jour hand, sir.

"Where was I last night, Thompson?" "1 couldn't say, sir; but your bank manager has just rung up to ask if it's all right to pay out on a cheque of yours written on a dress collar."

Tommy: I wish I was the gas, dad. Father: Why? \ Tommy: Every time it goes out it gets a penny.

When the doctor's telephone rang at 2 a.m. a fussy patient'of his said, "Doctor, I can't sleep. It's awful—l've been lying awake for hours and hours."

"What do you. want me to do?" snapped the doctor. "Will I sing you a Jullaby over the 'phone or would you like me to come along and rock, you to sleep."

Office Boy (to boss): May I have, overtime money this week, sir? ' ; Boss:, Whatever for, boy? ' ■ Office Boy: Please, sir, I dreamed about my work last'night. ~ ;

Mr. Jones was seated on his garden wall, enjoying a few spare moments, when little Tommy came up. ■ \

"Does the rain come into your house?" he asked.

"No. WJiat makes you think it does?" "Only that I heard mother say that you had a tile loose." ••.'■■ ~. .., ■

, Grandpa: What are you doing with my watch, .Richard? ■ ; ■ ■ ■

Richard: I only wanted to find out if you had been cheated. I read the other day that a watch had 175 parts, and I just wanted to be sure they were all here.

Small son: Dad, how do'wars begin? Dad: Well, England quai-rels with France^— ■ ■'■ '•' '. '■'.. ■; '.'•• '■.... ■

.Mother: But England must not quarrel with France. ' . ' •

Dad: But T am .taking a. hypothetical instance. .■'.'• , '--._, Mother: You are misleading- the child. Dad: I'm not. Mother: You are.

Son: It's all right, Dad, I think I know how wars start.

First boy: I know, let's see who can make the ugliest face. Second boy: That wouldn't, be fair. First boy: Why not? ' '" Second boy: Well, look at the start you've already goti

The new office boy 'had an indifferent memory, His employer,, tired ■■ of ■reminding him of his duties, instructed him to make a note of everything important he had- to dp, and to keep it beside him on his desk.

The nest day the eraployer was glad to see a large note prominently displayed on 'the boy's desk.

"At last!" he murmured: to himself. "My warnings have taken effect."

Complacently, he walked over to look at the notice. It read: "N.B. Leave office at five o'clock sharp;"

"Too ba.d about the disappearance of Smith. He was ,a profound thinker."

, "Yes, he was always t thinking, no matter where he was. The last time I saw him he was in swimming, and he suddenly called out: 'I'm thinking! I'm thinking!" ■ ...'■','■'■■ "You fool! Smith spoke with a lisp."

"Brother lend me five pounds." "Never." . . ''But you said I was your second self." "Just so. I ■would hot lend myself five pounds."

A mother-in-law wae_ in the habit of visiting her daughter just often enough to make her daughter's husband wish he had married -an orphan. One day .she arrived and found her daughter in 'tears. "What haß happened?" she -inquired. "Has George deserted you? Has he run away?" • "Y-yes," sobbed the wife."Then there is a woman in the case; who is she?" ''Y-you!" "Good heavens! cried the woman. "And to think that I never encouraged 'him!"

( An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irish-1 man appeared at a police court following a night out. Addressing the Englishmen, the Magistrate said: "How do you.1 feel?" ' ■■..'■] "Awful, sir." ' ) ' .. ■ I "Well, take seven days' rest,"And then to the Scot: "How do you feel?" ''Grand, sir." • ''Seven days to cool your ardour." And then to, the Irishman: "How do j'ou feel?" ' - • ' •"■ ''Sure, just like a piece elashtic." "What do you mean by that?" "Well, I know -I'm in for a stretch, but I don't know the lingth yet."

"Hello! Is that the doctor? Please come at once—my little boy has swallowed a pencil." . "I'll come immediately—what are you doing in the meantime? ''Using my fountain pen."

"Yes, -we had a very jolly evening," admitted Mr. Ernest Potter at breakfast on the morning after. "Quite a number of toasts were drunk." . ■ - i This was Mrs. Potter's cue. . She took it mercilessly. "Not only the toasts, apparently," fell on her Ernest's ears in ominous icy tones, ' . . ■ , :. Whereupon Mr. Potter, trying desperately to save the situation, only planted his foot more firmly in the soup. ."Oh, well, that speaks for itself," he remarked, with a rather nervous, propitiating smile. "That's more than you could last night," came the swift return. . ■ . . . Whereupon the convenation took the count.

The group of little girls were in conference, and finally the subject of fathers came up for review. "Every parcel that comes for my daddy is marked 8.A.," said one. "And every parcel that comes for my daddy is marked. M.D.," 'retorted the daughter of the local doctor. '_ , < K . The small member of the party, not to be outdone, exclaimed, with dainty emphasis: "That's only two letters! Every parcel that comes to our house is marked C.0.D.!"

Jones- was hard up. He had gone north on business, and found himself stranded. So he put through a trunk 'call to. Smith. .■ . ■ . "Hello!" he asked, "is that Smith?" - "Yes." • "I say, old man, I'm in a fix. I'm stranded up here -without any money. Can you wire me a fiver?" "Sorry. Jones, I can't hear you." "I say, I'm stranded up here —no cash. Can you wire me a fiver?" "Can't catch a word. Say it again." "I —■ tell — you — I'm—stranded—up— here—without—any—money. Can — you— wire—me—a—fi-v-e-r ?" '' "There must be something wrong with this line. Can't get the sense of it all. Don't you think " :, . At this stage the operator chipped in: "There is nothing wrSng with the line. I can hear the caller distinctly." "Oh, can you?" said Smith. "Then you lend him' the blooming fiver." !

The member of .Parliament for Hoaksham seemed disturbed in mind. "Perkins," he said to his private secretary, "have;l done anything lately to make myself unpopular?" "I think not, sir." "You have not received any letters of complaint, nor been interviewed by any malcontents during the last month or so? "Certainly not,'sir. I should have told yon at once." ■ , "You have not noticed any antagonistic tendencies in the • leading articles of the local Press?" "No, sir. Why do you ask?" "Well, Perkins, I'm fairly certain -there lis an undercurrent of unfrieno^y influence at work in the constituency. You know, of course, that a brand of fourpenny cigais was named after me?" : "Yes, "sir." ' , ■ ' .: ' "Quite . so. Well, they are now being ! sold at five a shilling." . . .

"It's surprising," said the professor to his wife at breakfast, "to think how ignorant we all are. Nearly every man is a specialist 'in his own particular line, and in consequence we are all as narrowminded as it is possible to be." "Yes, dear," said-his wife.1 ! • "I, for instance," he continued, "am ashamed of my failure to keep abreast of modern science. Take electric light, for example, I haven't the least idea 'how.'it works." ' ■ His wife gave him a patronising look and smiled. "Why,* Hubert, I'm ashamed of you, too. It's simple! You just press. a switch, that's all!" . ' ; ■'■-, ' ',

Some gulls were following a Channel steamer, and an Irishman said to his neighbour: "Sure, an' they're a nice flock of pigeons."-. '■ .■,',.' v';: "They're not pigeons," said his. neighbour; "they're gulls." <' "Well," said the Irishman, ; gull* n oi boys, they're a nice flock, of pigeons.

A fussy woman went into a shop to choose a; birthday present for her husband. She ransacked the department, nulling everything about.. . .„ , "I want to give him a surprise, • she said. "What would you advise The assistant, exasperated and torgettinz the religion of salesmanship, said, wearily: "X I were, you I should jump out from behind the door and shout Boo!" ■

In an East African district a doctor acts as understudy to the Magistrate. Recently, when each was conscious of having broken the law by riding at night without a light, they agreed that the majesty of the law would-best be vindicated by each appearing before the other. The Magistrate, taking precedence, tried the doctor, and. fined, him £5. Then the doctor tried the Magistrate and fined him £20, justifying'-his'severity, "by pointing out'that as tiiis was the second case that day, obviously the offence was becoming far too common.

The fussy lodger approached the board-ing-house keeper. "Are you^ sure, Mr. Isaacsteiii, that you take proper precautions against fire?"' • ; ■ "Vy, yea, Mrs. Blank, I haf this establishment insured for three times vat it vas worth." ' , ■

A man vho was motoring along a country road offered a stranger a lift. The stranger accepted.' Shortly afterwards the motorist noticed that his watch was missing. . . . ; : .... , Whipping out a revolver which he happened to be carrying, 'he dug it into the other man's ribs and exclaimed: "Hand over that watch!" The stranger meekly complied before allowing himself to be booted out of the car. When the motorist returned home he was greeted by his wife. "How did' you get on without your watch?" she asked. "I suppose you know that you left it on your dressing-table V\'

"I suppose you will miss your boy while he is at college ?" "Yep," replied Farmer Corntassel, "I dunnb what I'll do without him. He got the live stock so they won't move unless he gives 'em the college yell> an' I can't remember it."

The engaged pair were talking over the future. \ "Darling," she said, "when we are married you'll have a woman in the .house who really knows how to cook." He looked surprised. "But, dearest, he said happily, "I didn't know that you were a good cook." She ibrugged her shoulders. "I'm not," came her reply, "but when we're married my: mother is coming to live with us."

A man was remarkable for tlio bad wines ha kept. He was entertaining some rather important guests oue evening, when he turned to his new butler and said": "Higgs, is this the best claret?" "JCo, »ir," *tid Higgi «oleranly, "it ii not, but it's the beat you've got."