Wit and Homour

Evening Post, Volume CXV, Issue 11, 14 January 1933, Page 17

Wit and Homour

A BUSINESS PROPOSITION. A well-known, artist was painting a .beautiful thatched farmhouse. J-Ue farmer was an interested onlooker. Presently he said: I say. sir, what are you. going to do with that picture of my cottage when yon ye finished it?" "I shall send it to an exhibition, I exPeet, replied the artist. -Lhe farmer was silent for a moment, then he said: many people see it?" thousands, I hope," said the artist. Ihen,' said the farmer, "would you mind putting on it: .To be let during the summer months!'"

GOOD REASON.

.Martin had been, seen with Doris, and us tnends were rather surprised that they hacl kept up their friendship for so long. - ,x.°u seem rather struck on Doris," a mend said to Martin one day. ■I do,".said the other. "She's different from other girls." • «M°V is that?" askecl the fr'end. She s the only girl who will go out with me, came the reply:

REAL HOLIDAY.

Small Boy. (on arrival at country cofcr&'■. Mummy, where' is:the bathroom? 7<n,,: Th? re iUn>t a°y bathroom, dear. Good! This is going to be a real holi-

V A BARGAIN. Bert was a farm labourer, and on Sundays always sported his best clothes. One bunday, however, he was seen wearing a brand new pair of boots that were much too big for him. ■ •> . "Hullo; Bert!" called out an acquaitik' ance. 'My, but ye're smart this morning! But why did ye get such big boots?" ■ ' . "Well, Jim," said Bert,. looking down at his boots proudly, "they were such a bargain. They were three .sizes bigger than I usually buy, but the same price." "My wife wanted a saloon, but I insisted on an open car." ' : < "Oh, yeah, and how does she like the saloon?" Mike: I haven't seen my Uncle Pat for ten years. Tell me what he's been dome all the time. ...... Ike: Ten years. ■ . . . Mary: Do you ever go out with strange men? - Janet: Yes—l went out with one last night—he didn't try to kiss me!

Barber: How is it your hands are so dirty ? Apprentice: Nobody had a shampoo today. ' . ■ Edna:,My husband just ran off with another woman. Oh, I just c-can't control myself! Madge: You mustn't try, dearie.- You'll teel better after a good laugh. Wife: Have a look at the cake I decorated for my birthday party. Don't you think my sense of design is wonderful? Husband (counting the candles):' Yes but your arithmetic is terrible. Frantic Mother (at the beach): That's not our baby. You've taken the wrong perambulator. Father: Hush! It's a much better one than ours. Williams: Well, how has everything gone since I last saw you? Wilson: Everything's gone. . "An' what's, more, I ain't 'ad a day's illness in me life!" "Lor Inmme, what on earth dyer find to talk about? ' Prodigal: Father, I've a notion to settle down and co in for raising chickens. Father: Betty try owls; their hours would suit you better. "A pound of bird-seed, please." ordered the little boy in the grocer's shop. "I, suppose this is for your mother?" asked the grocer as he was about to enter it in his book. "Oh, no, it is for ma canary*1!

THE WRONG'SORT.

She was interviewing a girl" for the post of daily maid. "Of course," she said impressively, "the maid I require must, above all things, be very economical." The face of the applicant showed signs of surprise. ■ "That's funny, ma'am," she replied, "my last mistress discharged me for that very reason." It. was mistress's turn to. be.surprised. "What?" she exclaimed. "For being economical" ■ "Yes," said the girl. "I used to wear her clothes." '

SOUGHT AFTER,

A man applied to a film "producer for a job as super. "X you want me at all," he said, "you had better put me on the salary list right now. There are a lot of other companies after me." , "Oh," answered the. director, who had heard that before. "And what companies are they?" "Well—er—" stammered the other, "the electric light company, the gas company, and the telephone company."

•'; CONSOLATION. Whatever trouble Adam had, No man. in days of yore " Could say, when he had told a joke, "I've heard that one before."

A FISHY STORY. The teacher had been giving his class of boys a lesson on salmon fishing and canning. At the close of the lesson the boys were told to take home their slates and draw a salmon for the evening's . homework. . Morning arrived, and each boy's slate" was examined.. One bore no" drawing whatever, so the teacher demanded an . explanation. ■ ■■ :: '■' ""Well, sir," said the- boy/i drew a real good one, and when I 'came' to "get •my slate tliis morning I found the cat had licked it off." . -. : . . ■ : ; ; •'■■

ASKED FOE, It.

Man (rushing into a chemist's shop): Will you- make up this - prescription for me, I'm in a hurry? . .".'.■ Chemist (looking at prescription): Sorry,: | sir, I can't make this, iip without a doer tor's orders. It contains' poison.' ."" Man' (irritably):' Nonsense! Do I look like a man'who would commit suicide? Chemist: Well, sir, if I looked like you, |I should be tempted.

He: So I supposed you loved and lost? She: Ok, no. I was awarded £1000 damages. A Virginia family was training a girl from the country in her duties as maid. On answering the telephone the first day she brought no message. "What was that, Sara?" " 'Twarn't nobody, Mrs. Bailey, jes' a lady sayin', It's a long distance from New York,' and I says, 'Yes, ma'am, it sho' is!'" Patient: I seem to have had a nasty blow on the head during the operation! Nurse: Oh, that's nothing.. We ran a litle short of chloroform, that's all! Wills: He is one of the greatest halfbacks that ever lived. Players: Is that so? ■ Wills: Yes; he always give half back of all he borrows. Pat (to tourist): We have great athletes in Ireland. Tourist: Why, our champion ran 18 miles and then jumped a- nine-bar gate. Pat: Oh, that's nothing when you think of the run he had at it. Martin: Both those girls are the daughters of millionaires. Why is it that one looks down on the other so? Gilbert: Because one's father made his money in refined sugar, while the other's traded in crude oil. . ■ Heck: In England, to "take orders" means to enter the church. Peck: It's slightly different here-v-you enter the church, get married, and then take orders.

I Mrs." Simsoh 'had ■.sent a: small "Boy' "an errand to the stores. Upon his return— and not having the article required—he handed to the lady a sixpence and a handful of copper... . . , -.-■.. ! "But," said Mrs. Simson, "I sent you with a shilling.". ' - ,-' , "Yes, I know," returned the boy. "The last time I %vent on an errand for you you had no change." Mother (teaching alphabet): Now, dear what cames after 0 ? Child: Yeah! '"'."''' He won't tell you anything. I asked one the other day how much money my husband had on deposit, and he" just lauched at me. Teacher: I£ your work doesn't soon Improve 111 get your father to call and see Doctor's Son: You had better not—he charges half a guinea a visit.. Isaacs: Why did Rosenberg quarrel with his sweetheart? Cohen: Oh, he thought a quarrel cheaper than a birthday present. ' . . . Marmaduke: Ah, Miss Marion, my heartis broken. . Marion: Poor man! Tell me why. ' Marmaduke: Well, you know how frightnk*t 1T T With Penel°Pe? - Last night I showed her a picture of myself ™en about seven, on my father's knee. Oh, she said, "who is theventriloquist?" Wife (during argument): I think you are most unreasonable, John. John: I certainly am—that is why I expected, you to be reasonable. . . • Dohnie laughed when- his father told him that he used to swim the river three times before breakfast. "Do you doiibt that I could do it'" queried'his father. ".' • ; ' . "No; but I wonder why you didn't make lt^four- times and get back to the side where your clothes were." - . "This boat has been tipping a lot, ,stewa ™> complained the fussy old passenger. Well,, madam,' I'm afraid that it must only be trying to set an example to the passengers," he dryly answered.' ' "You are called as a witness of the qiiarrel between' your ■ friend and' his wife Were you present at the beginning of the trouble?" .-• . •- "Certainly. I Tvas a witness at their wedding." . . • ,"^° v seem to enjoy watching your"son play football.'" ■ "Oh, yes," replied the farmer, "If he ever gets into the habit :of working as hard as that we may make the old farm pay yet;" ■ ' ' .•.-•.' • An: elderly lady was .rummaging about tor some considerable time-in a poorly ht curio shop. At last her eye struck art antique. ' .."Young man," she said, "how much is tnft"gly old gargblye worth?", Well, madam, they say between nine and ten-thousand; that's • the boss." : '■■ "£P aU I send for yonr.-bagg^ge; Emma?" : Aot yet, if. you don't.mind; mum. T never fetch my things until I. have-put in the first week ma new place.'.'-' + '^oofc. old chap," complained B'inks bitterly, Ive.had to ask you four times tor that pound you owe me." r^fi h^ yol forgo*, my dear iellow," retorted the other, "that I had to ask you M nme times before you'd lend it to me. ■ ■ ../.:-.- "That looks a fairly old ear you'have, wi'- Ho T many summers has.it.seen?" i. .Wouldn't tell.youTiow many summers; pit it snad thirteen, springs since. I bought a Amateur: ; .What ehaU iVdo they ask Friend: Do? Why, sing, of course; it'll be their own fault. • ■ The speaker at the feminist meetinc be* •came quite heated. "It's scandalous the way w e women are downtrodden. One law for men and one for women. Look at waiteis in their dinner, suits—why aien't waitresses allowed to wear evening dress, too?" Electrician (to apprentice): Put your hand on one of these wires. Apprentice: All right. Electrician: Good. I wasn't sure which, was alive. Now, don't touch the other or* you'll be electrocuted. The Boy: Haven't you "ever been sunk in a storm, or chased by Chinese pirateß, or.eaten by a cannibal, or-^—?. The Sailor: No, sonny. The Boy: You're not much, of a sailor are you? Golfer (concluding fishing story): And he was about as long as your last drive. "Oh, I say—really!" "And so I threw him back." Wife (heatedly): Look. George. I-know what I'm talking about. Brute of a Husband: Well, dear, that's where you have the advantage over everybody else. Teacher: Now we have read of all the reigning monarchs tell me which ruler inspires the most respect and fear. Tommy: The one on your desk, dr. "I believe that you and the Blanks are at loggerheads now. What happened?" 'TVell, after hearing tKeir daughter sing I suggested' that it would be a good idea to have her voice trained." "Well, what of that?".. ■• l "You see, I didn't know that ehe'd already had it trained for nine years." Chemist (tonew apprentice): Now, this bottle is distilled water—we always give this in urgent cases when we can't read the prescription. Young Wife: Bill, I want'you to go to the minister and arrange to have baby christened. Bill (shipyard worker): You don't mean to say you're going to let somebody hit that, little thing over the head with a bottle? . ... ... - , ; The family were' finishing tea. Two pieces of cake remained. Bobby helped himself to the larger. • Konny protested strongly. ' ' • "I should have the • biggest," he said, "I'mva year older.than you.", . . • Like a flash came the reply: "That's 'why I've taken it: You were eating cake a year before I started;"- ■ ' . Vicar: So you like country life.. Are your hens-good.layers? ~ . . . ; Mabel (fresh from town): Topping? They haven't laid a bad egg yet. ; Mistress (impressively): This valuable Persian rug is Very old "and has'been in the family for many generations. New Maid (understanding^): I can see it's old, but I dare say we can make it last through the summer if we are careful. "This reaper and binder is secondhand," the boy remarked after examining the implement that had just arrived. "Well, it's supposed to be new," the farmer replied, "and if it's not it'll go straight back. What makes yer think it's •second-hand?" - ■ ' "Well, it's Rot a bloke's name and the date he bought it stamped on the side here," was the answer, and pointed to the inscription, "Pat. Ist Jan;', 1925."