Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXIV, Issue 50, 27 August 1932, Page 19

Wit and Humour

ANTIQUE. The auctioneer held up a battered fiddle. /'What am I offered for this antique violin?" he pathetically inquired. "'Look it over. See the blurred fingermarks of remorseless time. Note the stains o£ the hurrying years. To the merry notes of this fine old instrument the brocaded dames of fair France may have danced the minuet in glittering Versailles. Perhaps the vestal virgins marched to its stirring rhythms in the feasts of Lupercalia. Ha, it bears an abrasion—perhaps a touch of fire. Why, this may have been the very fiddle on which Nero played when Rome burned." "Half a crown," said a red-nosed man m the front row. "It's yours," cried the auctioneer cheerfully. "What next?" WAKING HIM UP. Brenda was motoring in the country with her very shy admirer.' She knew be was fond of her; for her part, she adored him. "Dick," she said, "can you drive with one hand?" "No," he replied quickly, applying the brakes, "but I can stop."

.THE MUG. It- was the occasion of the Sunday school's annual "treat." After tea, while the young minister in charge was arranging the sports, a small boy came rushing up to him. "Please, sir," he said breathlessly, "teacher sayß will you come at once " "What has happened?" interrupted the minister. '*Why does she want me?" "She's a mug short, sir," exclaimed the boy. . THOUGHTS ON MAKKIAGE. A Scotsman applied for an increase of salary, stating that he was thinking of getting married. At the end of the week he found a fairly substantial increase in hia pay envelope. Some time later he met the manager on the stairs. '•I suppose you have settled down to married life now?" asked the manager. "I'm no' married," replied the Scot. "Not married," echoed the manager in surprise, "but didn't you apply for a rise because you were'thinking of getting married?" "Oh, .aye," came the reply; "but I stopped thinking." THE LATEST HOWLER. . Q:. "What do you consider the greatest miracle in the Old Testament?" A: "When' Joshua told'^his son. to stand stilt and he did." AND CHEAP, TOO! He: "How do you like this place? Shall we buy it?" ' She: "Oh, it's perfectly lovely! The view from'this balcony is so fine that it leaves me speechless." .. ■ He: "Then we'll buy it." ; : ; THIS DEPRESSION .Proud Suburban Lady: ?*You know, my husband-plays the organ." Depressed Acquaintance: ."Well, if things" don't improve,. my husband will have to get one too." Q.E.D. Prospective Tenant: "If the house has been recently occupied, how is it all the windows are smashed?" House Agent: "Well, sir, my partner will insist on satisfying every inquirer that this house is only a stone's throw from the station."

WHAT A DEACON IS. A deacon is a mass of inflammable material placed in a prominent position to warn the people. A litre is a nest of young puppies. THE TERROR OF TH$ KITCHEN. A new maid had just arrived from the country, and her mistress was giving her a list of household requirements. "And don't forget, Florence," she said, 'we want a new griller for the kitchen." Florence stared vacantly. "You know what a griller is, I suppose?" inquired the mistress. " 'Course I do," returned the girl. "It's a big, hairy monkey, and if you want one of those in the kitchen I'm leaving." BRAND NEW. He had suddenly acquired riches and decided to spare no expense in furnishing his new home. The manager of the furnishing firm was showing him several expensive pieeeß of furniture. Turning to some fine old chairs, he remarked—"Perhaps you would like some Chippendale furniture?" "No," replied Mr. Newrich. "I don't want anything thafs chipped."

ARTFUL. Little Betty used to embarrass her mother every time she called on her friend by asking for something to eat. She promised never to do it again. The next time they called on the friend, just before tea time, Betty piped up:— "Mrs. Smith, are you hungry V "No, Betty," answered the hostess. I m not hungry." "Well," said Betty, with a 'sigh, "I wish I was you." MILESTONES. _ They had been married seven years, and it was her usual custom each year to make her hubby a cake to celebrate the occasion. "Henry, my dear," she said, "this is our anniversary, and I've baked a fruit cake for tea." . ■ Her husband put, down his paper and took off his spectacles. "How thoughtful of you, my dear?" he- replied. "I have always looked back on the previous cakes as milestones in our life." • ADJECTIVAL .USE. Foiid llother: "And is Bertie really tryVDZ'i" TeacLer: "Very." ■ ■ FISHY LOOKS./ Customer': "I don't like the looks of that haddock." Fish Dealer: "Lady, if its looks you're after, why don't you buy a goldfish?" • CAUTIOSr. Author: "You are late; my play started half an hour ago—-go in on tiptoe." Friend: "What? Is everybody asleep already?" BEHIND STONE WALLS. A New York actress was giving a benefit .performance at Sing Sing. "Stone walls do not a-prison make, nor iron bars a cage," she trilled. From the back of the room a deep voice ejected: "But, lady, how they do help!" A HOT TASK. Aunty: "What's the matter, Bobby?" Bobby: "Oh, dear. Mummy told me always to clear my plate at dinner time— and—l—l've such a lot of mustard left on it."

OF COUESE. Teacher: When was Rome built? Archibald: At night. Teacher: Who told you that? Archibald: You did. You said Home wasn't built in a day. FOUND IT. James B.: I started out on the theory that the world has an opening for me. Horace C: And you found it? . ■ James B.: Well, rather. I'm in the hole now. HIGH FINANCE. Little Egbert approached his hard-work-ing mother, and gazed up hopefully into her eyes. "Mum," he said, "you are rather busy to-day and you don't want me hanging round, so I'll give you sixpence if you'll let me go and play." Mother almost dropped the frying pan she was cleaning in. her astonishment. "Egbert, what are you talking about?" she asked. "Where did you get the money from?" The boy dislayed a two-shilling piece. "Dad gave me it not to bother you," he replied. SAVED. During a recent snowstorm an ' Aberdonian drove his car to a garage in a side street, intending to get some petrol. He put his hand into his pocket to see how much money he had, and one coin, a sixpence, dropped in the snow. He scraped about for some time, but could not. find it, so he left his car where it was and walked off. Three days later he returned. The snow had melted and the sixpence lay revealed just by one of the wheels. "Why did you leave your car here for three days?" asked the garage owner. "Just to mark the place where I dropped the sixpence," replied the Scot. "I would never have been able to find it if I had moved the car." TO BE HAPPY. To be happy one must quit wanting what he can't get and learn to want what he's already got. MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. "So you told Mrs. Brown, did you? And what did Mrs. Brown Bay?" defending counsel asked the witness. The opposing counsel objected to the question as irrelevant, and a long and heated argument took place between the two lawyers. At last the Judge intervened and allowed the question to be put. , "Now," exclaimed the triumphant counsel, turning again to ,the witness, "what did Mrs. Brown say?" "Nuthin'/' was the reply. AN EASY ONE. . All afternoon the teacher had been trying to explain to her pupils the mysteries of simple addition. One small boy seemed far behind the others at grasping even the simplest ideas. "Look here, Bobby!" she said, "suppose your father saves a pound every week for four weeks, what will he have at the end of that time?" Bobby had his answer ready. "A gramophone, a vacuum cleaner for mother, a wireless set, and new furniture for the house/ he replied proudly. FURTHER OUTLOOK UNSETTLED. There was a loud stamping of feet in the corridor. Suddenly the office door burst open, and in sprang an angry stranger. .The office boy jumped to his feet. "Look here, my lad!" snapped the stranger, "who's the person in this firm responsible for posting mail orders? I want to make a complaint." The office boy mopped his perspiring brow. "I don't know who's responsible," he replied wearily, "but I know who'll get the blame." A SOFT ANSWER, The traveller arrived in the village in the early hours of the morning, and, proceeding to the inn, set down his bag and threw stones'at the window to waken the landlord. After a while a window was thrown up and a head peered out. "Can I stay here for the night?" shouted the traveller. "Sure," was the reply. A moment later a. pillow came hurtling down. "Take this," the voice continued, "in case you find the doorstep a bit hard." LITERAL OBEDIENCE. "Now," said mother to Frank, "if they pass the cake a second time, you must say, «No, thanks, Tve had plenty/ and don't you forget it." All went well with Frank until the hostess said kindly, "Won't you have another piece of cake?" "No, thanks, I've had enough, and don't you forget it," was the astonishing reply. REWARD. ■ The partners called the manager into their office. "We find," said one, "that last year's trading waß the best since we went into business. We know how much hard work you have put into the firm, and, as a mark of esteem, we are making out a cheque for £100 in your favour." The manager stammered his thanks. "Yes," went on the other partner, "and if next year's business is as good as this, we'll sign it!" HIS DESERTS. Hubby: "Here is £5, dear. Don't you think I deserve a little applause for giving it to you without being asked for it?" Wife: "Applause! Why, darling, I think you deserve an encore." LOOKING AHEAD. Sirs. Brown looked tired and worried. What have you been doing?" asked her husband. "I've been round to all the servant agencies in the town trying to find maids," she replied. "Were you successful?" he asked. "Yes," she replied. "I engaged three." "Three?" he echoed, aghast. "But, my dear, you must be out of your mind." "No, dear," she sighed. "I'm all right. You gee, one comes to-morrow, one on the loth, and another on the 16th." THE CANDOUR OF THE CAMERA. "That snapshot of me proves that the camera doesn't lie." "Still, it needn't have been quite so candid." PROOF POSITIVE. "Man, you seem to lack the ability to say 'No. "Oh, I don't know. I went into a barber shop yesterday and came out with nothing but a haircut." THE LOST BIRD. A little girl was out shopping with her mother. Suddenly she stooped down and picked up a feather. She looked at it for a moment thoughtfully, and then said:— "Look, mummy! This poor feather's lost its bird." BUT HE WOULD LEAVE THE WALL. A Scotsman was stripping wallpaper from the walls of his house when a friend called to see him. "Weel, Sandy," gaid the visitor, "are ye gain' to have a new paper?" "Na, na," replied Sandy. "Ah'm just movin' into another house."