POSTSCRIPTS

Evening Post, Volume CXI, Issue 143, 19 June 1931, Page 6

POSTSCRIPTS

BY PERCY FLAGS

Chronicle and Comment

In tlio matter of points scored to date the .English Jupiter Pluvius is probably well ahead of tho Now Zealand cricket side. *. * # In a glovo battlo at Buenos Aires, Arturo Seheckles easily outpointed Antonio Castroviefo. Shekels for Schcekles. *♦■ ■ * TRAFFIC JAM. Some motorists arc complaining to Ilia City Council, it is reported, that broad sandwich-boards are interfering with traffic. To make them feel less sorrjr for themselves the complainants should turn pedestrian for a change and try, tho Willis street footpaths on a wet afternoon botwoon 4 and 5 o'clock, when two prams, side by side, are meandering at large. » * * "CHANGE" IS EIGHT. At the 50th annual meeting of .th# Devonport Steam Perry Company,■ tha chairman commented on the marvellous achievements and "bowildering changes" that had taken place since the company was founded. ; Too true! For example: God's own country hat become God's owing country. ,* *- * HAVE YOU HEARD THIS? ' Here is one of the latest stories—per* fectly true, of course—from America. It concerns three men who occupied an apartment on'the eightieth-floor of a now skyscraper. Beturning to bed early—very early—one inorning,' they; were greeted with, the grim news that none of the lifts was working. Well, there was no help for it—they would have to walk. Twenty stories were accomplished in silence, when one of tha trio made a suggestion. "Say, boys, we'll.never get there at this rate. Guesa we'd better take turns to, toll stories - tot help pass the time." When the first story came to an end it transpired that another twenty floors had been put below them, and the second man took on the role- of raconteur. Ho was no less successful, and when, ha had finished the party .had only another twenty floors to go. Then it was .that the third party struck despair into their1 hearts. "Well, boys, my story is going to be a pretty short one, and here it is. We've forgotten the key!" * » • * : IT'S PINE TO KNOW. Britain's all-knowing. Foreign Office has settled a momentous question, and now those well-meaning folk who worry, themselves stiff and bore the rest of us to tears fussing about Things That Beally Matter in Times of National Stress may take heart of grace. Should Alfonso, that Bepublican ex-King, be called King, ex-King, Don, or plain. Mr. Alfonso Bourbon? It was the exPrime Minister's Socialist son, Oliver Baldwin, w*ho brought off the coup. Dissatisfied with Mr. Speaker's ruling that "King" Alfonso was permissible, young Oliver wrote to the Foreign Office. That fountain of wisdom replied through tho Under-Secretary for Foreign Affairs that the correct term* to 1)6 used in referring to the ox-mon-arch wore either ex-King Alfonso or Don Alfonso. Probably England's new rich will -address him as just Alf, in Older to make him feel mora at home. » : *' ■■l-: ■. » RE-MARK. Dear Referee Flagc, What about ''The Post" reporters being instructed to ascertain the reason on Saturday for all penalties imposed in the senior games? • Also to oount the number of marks aJlowed , by, referees. So-far as I can discover, the Now Zealand Bugby Union seems to.have discarded the mark. It appears that the referees aie unanimous that a player cannot take a mark—save the mark! If my suggestion is put .into effect^ I think the inquiries: may f result aa follows: (1) Jack Shearer penalised for having one arm behind his back while a' free kick was being' taken. (2) Scrum ordered down again on account of Kilby spitting on his hands before receiving from the scrum. (3) Mark Nieholls was caught with Tjoth heels together and feet at right angles boforo taking a shot dead in front; penalty drop-out awarded. (4) Jessup gave away three points by- holding his head in the air when the other gernmmagers were down. Do you get th« idea? ' ' Suggestively yours, HOWITZBB. ,*■ *'.:' :. * SPJ3NDEBS AND MENDERS. "John Boles, Junior": I .read what was said in Tuesday's "Evoning Post" about " Slump economy—tho clothes angle," and about tho need for spenders as woll as menders. It is quito true that tho menders must, and the spenders may. More power for John Boles and the six suits of clothes he ordered as his quotum to "keep on spending." These six suits will soon make old clothes for comrades. Suppose we say, it in Shakospearc:— To mend, or not to mend, that is the question I Whether 'tis better to take ancient gear And benzine out the stains of yesteryear. Or buy new clothes, disdaining necdlc-craft, And strain tho llmils of your overdraft 1 Can man "tho glass of fashion" dare to mte* Tho concentrated frown of Cuba street? Good 'eavons, no I 'into the marts of tradf I'll hie and buy with spirit unafraid. And then, lest Johnny Boles I may. offend. From shop to shop I'll spend and spend *n4 spend, ■ Take suit on suit, to lend and rend and e»fl. *■■ ' ; ■•• ■.',•. INDEX THIS. Sir Porciful Flage, Esq., £ s. <L, WELLINGTON, Dear Sir Percy, — Together with the many thousands of others, I read with great eclat —subdued and otherwiso —the potent and intoxicating nightcaps dispensed by you each evening, and they certainly are refreshing. In case you might like to have the everlasting gratitude of many of your literary topers in the years to come, I take tho liberty of appending a formula, just received from, a correspondent of mino in U.S.A., which I leave you to deal with whenever tim» and circumstances may demand. HOME BREW RECIPE. "Chase wild bullfrogs i'or three miles and gather up the hops. To them add 10 gallons tanbark to give it a body, half a pint of shellac to. make it. smooth —one bar of soap to make it foam, and four doorknobs to hold it down after you drink it. Boil for 36 hours, then strain thro' an I.W.W. sock to keep it from working. Add one grasshopper to each pint to give it kick. Pour a little into the kitchen sink; if it takes the enamel oft, it is ready for bottling." ' N.B. —If kangaroo hops are substituted it will make the brew stronger and go longer. With. Mr. J. Malton Murray and others on the warpath again, lots of your readers might like to paste the above in their liats in case of a drjj day coming along.—Tours, etc., •"SQUARE DINKUM." . :