Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CX, Issue 35, 9 August 1930, Page 21

Wit and Humour

'_ DOUBTED. ■-.-■.' "Your llonour,"';said.the wHness, "you way take my statement as being absolutely correct. I ■ have ;been wedded to truth since my childhood."' "Quite possible," Said the Judge, "but what the Court wants, to know is, how long have* you been, a ■widower?" THE PRISONER'S GOOD NAME. The Irish convict-had. missed an article j of his personal kit. He demanded an-in-terview with.the. governor. The interview was conceded. "' "Sony'-., began tbe convict loudly, "there's a thief, in this, prison.'' "AND" SO ON;." "What' are you going !to do to-night, dear?" "Oh, write a letter or two, read a bit, listen to the wireless, and so on." "Well, when you come to the 'sew on,' don't forget my. shirt buttons." VERY TRUE. - Those general knowledge lessons are always a nuisance to. teacher and taught alike. "Now, can any of you tell me," asked one schoolmistress, "what is meant by the lap of luxury ?" "Please, miss," cried little Mary, eagerly, "I can." : "Good, Mary," said the teacher approvingly. "What is.it?" Flease, miss, when the cat steals into the larder and licks '.the, cream off the milk." ...

CATTY. Katy: "These peaiis were given to me on my last birthday." Kitty: "Very pretty. How many years have you had them?" ■ WITHOUT. This is the-story.of a social .worker who ordered soda .water without .flavour./ "Without which flavour?" asked the clerk. , . ' ■ — ; • "Without strawberry flavour. 1 "We haven't any strawberry to-day. "Then 111 take it without chocolate flavour." • ■■■'■-. WITH OR WITHOUT? "Waiter," said the.fussy diner, "I want some oysters, but they mustn't be too large or too small,. and they mustn't be too salty, I waut them cold, and I want them in five 'minutes." ••■... "Yes, sir,". replied the waiter, who was under notice. 'Will/ you. have-them with or without pearls?" ■ liOCATED. '■ "Alfred, dear,, I feel it in my bones that you are going to take me to the theatre to-night." ' "Which bone,- darling?" "I'm not sure, but I think it's my wishbone." ■'■■'.■'' CASE, OP. NECESSITY. Father: "My son, you should save your money. You shouldn't have bought that car—you are living beyond your station." Son: "Certainly I am—two miles. That's why I hadto hav,e a car." .. A WHOPPER. "Yes,"/said the*'angler,, at, the conclusion of his story, "it was rather awkward getting it; home., You see, I had to wait for the corridor train." . PARSON AND THE BOY. The parson was paying a visit, and jokingly asked )tlie son 'of the house, what kind of a wedding he;meant to have when he grew. up. ■...,.■ .. "Fra not going' to have any sort oE wedding," said' the' little boy. "I'm not going to get married at all!" "Indeed! Why/not?" asked the visitor with a bland smile. "'Cos I've' lived !with married people too long!" . , . ■ . •' FIXED.: Vocalist: '. "I'm afraid 'I ■' didn't do very well." '' '■'■''.' ' Wireless Announcer:., "Oh, that's all right. As a matter of fact, through an error, j-ou were, announced as 'Farmyard Imitations.' " ~ '■ . , A CALAMITY! Cicely: "Gladys has a-position as detective in one of. the ■ big department shops.*' • Clare: "Well, I don't envy her.. Imagine being known as a plain-elotbea woman!" WASTED ENERGY. Teacher :"Can you give me an example of wasted energy?Bright Student: '-Yes, sir, telling a hairraising story to a.bald-headed man." ' SHE REMEMBERED. She: "I'm so sorry, Bertie,'but I really cannot marry you. Perhaps some other girl will make you forget me." He: "It's no, good, Vera; lean never forget you." She: "Oh, yes, I think you can. You did it very well on my last birthday." , THE DOUBTER. Inventor (proudly): "This is my latest invention—the Dragonfly." Visitor (looking at strange aeroplane): "I shotild change the name to May-fly until it has." A CAUSE FOR WOOTER. Gertie: "Mamma, when people are ashamed they always get red in the face, don't they?" : Mamma: "They generally do, dear." "Then I wonder why Uncle Jim only gets ashamed in his aflte."

NO DANGER.. Miss Greene:' "It's au opal ring Mr. Jenkins gave me." Miss Sharp (examining it): "H'm!, Do you—er—like it?" . - ' Miss Greene: "Oh; yes; but you know the old superstition. I'm afraid it will bring me bad luck." Miss Sharp: "I wouldn't worry. This won't bring you Teal bad luck—only imitation." ■■'• ••;■■•'.■ SAFEGUARDED. Visitor: "Don't ■ you 'spank your son when he:s naughty?" . Mother: "We should like to, but he's the only one who can mend the-wireless if its goes wrong.'' . . GOOD APPETITE. "Why, that steak must weigh three pounds at least. Surely you're not going to eat it all alone?" , "No; I'm just waiting for the vegetables." LET'S HOPE NOT. Magistrate: "What; is your complaint against defendant?" ... Plaintiff: "Please, your Worship, he called me a thief and. a fool,.and I have witnesses to prove it." , IMPOSSIBLE. ■ • . ■ The Bore: "One thing: I have always dreaded is that I : may be buried prematurely." .' , ... The Bored: "How could you?"

.■ AN ACQUAINTANCE. ' "Buy a' ticket for your concert? But I don't know you." "Yes you do, sir. I'm the man who turns your water off when you don't pay the rates."' > AT THE ART EXHIBIT. Guest: '"Did you say this was a Correggio?" ' ■■'..■■■■•.■_ Host: "No, a replica." Guest: "Oh, well, he's a pretty good man, too, isn't, he?" . - ■■ SHYLOCK.. "Don't ever borrow money from him— he's a shark. He wants 50 "per cent, in the winter and 60 in the summer." "Why more in. the summer?*'. "Because, the days are longer." WHAT! ' ; The Sunday school teacher asked: "Hands up those who want to go to Heaven." All went up but one. "Don't you want, to go to Heaven, Tommy?" "No, miss; I want to go ■where dad says all the'business has gone to." JUST CURIOUS. Author: "What do you'think of my story? Give me your honest opinion." Editor: "It's not worth anything." Author: "I know; but tell me, anyway." SAME HERE. "Have you a fondness "for any certain kind of music?" "Yes, indeed, my musical-taste is very peculiar—l want it either well done or very rare!" ■ HER TROUBLES. "What does a bride think as she enters the church?" "Aisle Altar Hymn!" • 'an arched problem. A prominent • actress was - giving a dinner. Unfortunately the guests arrived before she was ready to receive them. The stage .star's small daughter, however, apologised prettily:, "Mummy will be down in a minute," she said. "She's just writing on her eyebrows now." SHORT MEASURE. Sweet Ydung Thing: "How. is Betty getting on now she is married? Friend: "Oh, she' is just like the rest. Before she was married she had bushels of kisses, now she has to. be satisfied with pecks." UNDERSTOOD. "I am a woman' of few words," announced the haughty mistress to the new maid. "If I beckon with my linger that means 'Come.'" ' ■ "Suits me, mum," replied the girl. "I'm a woman of few words myself. If I shake my head, that means, I ain't coining." AN INVESTMENT FOR POSTERITY. Mac's friend had dropped in to have a wee drink with him when suddenly Bill's eyes noticed a calendar on the wall dated 1926. Bill—What's the .'good: of keeping your old calendars, Mac? They're no good new. M'Tavish—Ye're wrong, raon; they'll come richt again—alive- proved it." TIME. "When does the half past 5 train leave?" asked the city man of a country railway porter. "Five-thirty," was the reply. "Well," continued the traveller, "the church clock' is twenty-seven minutes past and the post office clock is thirty-two minutes past. Which-am Ito go_by?" "Ycr can go by any clock you like," responded the porter, "but yor can't go by the train, for it's gone." "DON'T SHOOT THE FIRST ONE." • In the American advances dating the find days of the y*a% m ■cifuiit ordered

a coloured private to go into the. dug-outs and clean out any Germans who happened to be there. The coloured soldier, blanched, swallowed his Adam's apple, and then said to his corporal: "If you see two or three men come runnin'-out o' dat hole, don't shoot de first one!" ■ ■ . GOING ONE BETTER. Peter was playing at John's house. When it was time to go home, it started to rain. Mrs. White,'however, gave "Peter Johnny's raincoat and goloshes. : "Don't take, so much -trouble, Mrs. White," said Peter politely. ' .. < "I'm sure your mother would-do as much for Johnny," sho replied. • "My mother would do more," said Peter. "She'd ask Johnny to stay for.,supper," HIS DAY OFF. ..-■,'. Young (to jeweller)—l've brought back this engagement'ring I bought-yesterday. Jeweller—Didn't it suit? . 'Young—l don't! ON T SEBIOUS BUSINESS. Wife —I'm going up : to town this afternoon. • .-'■_■ Husband—Shopping ? Wife—Ko; I won't have time. I just want to get some things I. need. , BRAINS AGAIN, An. Arctic explorer was telling bis friends about an exciting adventure that befell him while he was exploring unknown regions. "Imagine my surprise and fear," he said, "when I was confronted by a large bear. I had no bullets and tears name to my eyes, when I thought of my beloved ones. Taking the tears from my face as they rolled down and froze, hard, I rammed them in my. gun and'fired. The heat of the gun, however, melted the tears, and as they came into contact with the cold air they froze into icicles which entered the bear's brain. Instantly the warmth of the' bear's brain melted the icicles and so the bear died of- water on the brain." . TRIAL BY JURY. "Gentlemen of the jury, are you agreed upon your verdict?" asked the Judge, presiding over the Court. . "We are," responded,the foreman. '•Do you find the prisoner guilty- or not guilty?" , -V- ; ■„■ . '•We do." •."■■■--, ■ '"You do Do what?" exclaimed: the startled Judge. "We find the prisoner guilty :or not guilty," answered the foreman. "But, gentlemen, you cannot, return a verdict like that.". . : ■ : ".Wai, I don't know," the foreman responded. "You-see,-sis. of. us find him guilty and six ; of ( ,us .find..him k not guilty, aid we've'agreed'"'to let it; ffo at that."' ' ...... STARTLED..- ■' "Give me a start!" begged the auctioneer. "I have here a genuine ' Queen Anne sideboard^ the only piece of its kind known to'the world. -.Give me a start!" : "Fourpence!"" said; someone- obligingly.' The auctioneer neatly'fell front the rostrum. "I asked for a start," he said contemptuously.. '■*•■: - ■■■'■ ■•■ ' v- .' "Well, you gotit, didu't you?" . y ,■ .' NO NEED TO HURRY. . Forp years he had ..been -terribly henpecked. One morning at breakfast he. said to hiswife, "My; dear, I had a queer dream last night., I thought'l saw another man running away.with you." ,'■' '-... .',.;,■ "Indeed!" said his^vife. ,"And 'Whafcydid you 'say io him,".' ■' .:'<.. :■ "' '•:, i ,'.!.' '' "Oh," he answered, "I asked :l|im why .he was running.".',:.:, .'nV'^', . PAINLESS EXTRACTION; ; A ruin went to a-Harley/street; specialist and complained" of a vague feeling of unfitness. , The doctor,made a thorough examination. "Well," he' said, "I can't find anything noticeably, wrong, but I believe th.ose teeth of yours should come out." "Very well, doctor," said the man, and complied upon "the spot. TAKEN IN. A fellow took a very dilapidated car to a garage for repair. " "How much did you pay for this bus?" asked.the mechanic. :-- - ~:.,. -. ■ "As a matter of fact," replied the owner, "a friend gave it to me for nothing." The garage man;shook,his head. . : "You've been swindled," he said.