Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CIX, Issue 150, 28 June 1930, Page 21

Wit and Humour

ALPHABETICAL -ORDER. . "1'vo ; asked- for ;mpney,;; : begged for money, cried for."money,"' said the tramp iv air agonised-/voice.- . "That's ' ally very -well," answered the lady .of the house, '"but.-have you ever thought of,,,wqrking fpp. it?" . "Oh, no, not yet, riium. -''You see, I'm going through the alphabet,'and I. haven't got to'W'.yet."" -.;;;; : . ■•■.-•. ■: THEY'VVERE^UITS. .' •' A young.woman-wassehtby her father to buy; a- number of; ties'."-V.She' was fairly certaiu of ■the"'kih'dvshe-wanted, and, in any case,.did Jnot'-want-too much. e'P from the assistant;", '\~~' ; \ . But the'latter Ayas "a" very pressing youth, and had a.deal of advice to give; also, he .tried to-be bright, and succeeded in annoying the" girl. i.'■ *" ■■ . "There," he: remarked.with a knowing smile. "I'm sure'be'll. like : those. All young men, like,.them."^ I.The.girl glanced at. the ties indifferently;.'then, "Oh, he's not so youngas you'are,"'she-said, sweetly. "He's..a- full-grown: -man!" ' ' ADEFI^ITIOX. ■ Pupil -* (to:-, learned' ■ professor)— What causes laughter? :.;. ~; ' :. . _.'. ' '.'■■..-. ..' Professor—^My boy, a-laugh is.a.peculiar contortion of the human.countenance, voluntary or /involuntary; superinduced by a concatenation of external circumstances, seen or heard, of .a ridiculous, ludicrous, jocose, mirthful, funny,; facetious, or fauci-

■ful' nature, ~and accompanied'by a ..cackle, ■chortle; eachibnation, :g:ggle,' gurgle, 'yuf--faw,-or roar. '■'. -1 :'. ■_■'■■ ; v' '".■'. : A COINCIDENCE. f\ " An Irishman 'entered a crowded : tramcar, and could hot' discover a vacant seat, •although one was occupied1 by a dog owned by an over-dressed; man.v '■ \ Paddy went; outside1 and complained to. the conductor,' who:requested the removal of, the dog. The Irishman then took the seat, at the same time.remarkiug to' the owner: "That's ...a ■ foine' "dog: -ye've got, sir.".' ', :.'• ;■'•;;.. .■■;, ■'; .•■ '!'' " ' This eliciting'no ,he tried a second time' by .saying, "P'hwat.sort of a dog is it, sir?" .;■ , '..../ • , "It's a cross.between an Irishman and an ape,"'snapped the other. >: ■ "Oh! ;is sit," . came the quick retort. "Sure, then,-it is related'to'both of us." ; . ■■; GOT'THE;^OBr. . ' Hoy (applying. fo'rjjosHipn. as. office boyj ,—I .hope,. Kir,' that,.you. vciU'-take'.the fact: that. all' my graTidpare.nts' arc. positively dead tobe ; in.my;.favour., "" : ; . ';■ ■, ■ EXTJfJAVAGAKti. ■'■ ■'. .'"; ' Sandy bought, two.tickets iri a raffle and won a motor-car/- "J ' ■■'. , ■' His friends: called round- to congratulate him, ■ and-; to their 'surprise, found him looking- aß;iniserable'-'as■.could: be.' '. J ...;' "Why, 'man;;-whits wjarig wi;. ye? Ye wpn the motor-carvaVriebt—didn't ye?1' 1 "Aye," groaned "Sandy, - "but. it's that ither. ticket. ';Whit;the deil made me buy it a ( canna .imagine."' . : --: ;~' ..'.;■: '.'■ ■ -■;/ THE iTBST. .:.■,.'■■..'.-' ... ■ A teacher in.the East End of London sent a small,.girl; for .^pennyworth of plums, telling her toIbe Bure"to piwch one or^ two to; see if they, were "ripe. \ The child , returned; .and said, '"Ere. teacher, fere's ''j-er ; sixpence.- The ;man .wasn't looking,', 50..1 .pinched.-the lot." - ■ ■ ■'■■' ";'..'.'■::- ■ cheXpkr. ': = '.-' Pat. went ,-iutOy'the!chemist's, to. get an empty, bottle;;-.'Selectingjone. that suited his purpose, Jie-.asked, the'■price. "If you just, want ; ;a;ibot'tle.'Ti;e -.'charge>a penny," said the assistant/""out: if-..you have, something in ' it' we^'don't charge 'for the bottle." ; '.. ■••',. ■ ~.■■■'•■'=• ■',■•"■:■■■;•; : "-■;■' ■ ' ."That's fair': enough;" said>Pat.' "Put iv. a■ cork;"'-. ;:-'>■;" : ;V^:Y •'. :'_ • -, : :V-^ ,?.:B\"OLlfclGX;;: ; A ■/'..-'; ;;"V A y.ourig' woman\was -visiting another, ex-. trcmely; modern;, woman—of <! fifty or 'so. "Who," asked theigirl,"looking up at a portrait,- "is - that' idf eadful, ■ frumpy old thing?"- ;--.. ;.■■>■.. j f ■.1 -:■ *.'.:■■■■ .-. ; ■ ■■■ ■■' • "MyseK," -.•■was.-<the°:reply, "thirty.years 'ago.".. '," ; ' ' . ■■.-,.••. -~ - -.-'-..- :-. :, i■'■. ,v . ; . , ;.:;■.. ~T:'EASY.w :-; .- i .;;--:: :. ■ "We.never-nfiedi them iftew-fahgled scales in Ireland,": said jO'Hara.; "There's i an. aisy way to'weigh..ajpig;withpu,t-scales. You get a plank apd, you put it: across a stool. Then: you get ;,a: big'6tone. ,;I'ut the. pig on one'end: of the. plank,and the stone on the other .'end^'aii'd ish'ift1 the plank;until: they .balance. .-'•.Then you guess the. weight of the stone arid^you have the weight of the pig."/:' . ';' ■■■■" |-. ■■!■ '■ '"' '" "■ ■ '. , ORIGIN OF ''AN JjfVEOTiON:1 ; Johnny-canie,back' froni the circus much, excited. "Oh,vmaina,". 'he exclaimed. "Katie spilled some.peanuts on the ground and what do you .think happened? The elephant .picked ;them.:,up- with' his vacuum cleaner." ■ .-,'/ "' , ; ...■ .. ; HIS CHEQUE MATE. "Yes,": observed- the. young, woman; as they took ■ their ;: places, at the ■■ restaurant table, "it was another case of love at.first sight." ..' ;■;_. ": -■. ■'.;. . ; . "lteally," said her' friend, "that is the first I've heard"of'it. ": What was' it the first eight •of?";': ■'.. ~ " ]■■■ The; other her;.voice in. a low murmur: '•' •'■; ;: - .•• :; ''"'.. "His bank;book,"'shejreplied. . . '.' B.r^SSIK:tfIN'DISCSUISK.__ . She; (sottb ;! voce)—-George, ' dear, it is a burglar! ; '-.'::. .■"■■"■' -■; He—Sli-1i,.. don't; move, -maybe he can get. that ■window, -up: it's' the" one 'we havr.n't .been1 ab.let to opciY.since the -paint-, ers left... ~...-., -. i.;: j-.V : : ■ ... '■'i ■.■. .. •' ; ; TIIE'.UKEAT-QyiSTIOX.; ■ For two.years'th'e; niost decorous courtship ..of- Sandy: ahcFLißbeth liadvslowly progrossed. ,;One;'Sabbath-/ night, after a sileuce of,an hpiif,;,L'isbeth murmured: "'A: pennf, for ''.your.; ..thpehts, Sandy." "Wcel,"' replied. Sandy. wi,th 'boldness. "1 was'just thinkin.'.-hqw. fine,it, would be if ye were tae gie.nie.awce . bit. kiss." Lisbeth. kissed him. ■ Then 27 iriinijtes' of silence. "An'-what-are ye'tlnnkin"iil)oot the noo, Sandy -!— aliither?" : ."Nae, nae, ■laissie;;it's:mair serious the noo." ■ .'. ..v'; : . : . ■■■'■ ■;.■■' ■■' ■ •■■,: '■■■■: ■ "Is it, laddiet" asked. Lisbeth, softly, her heart) going ■ pit-a-pat; ; "An' what might it. be,?" -- ■■ -. ■.;;■■■ "I was just thinkin' /' ansTfered Sandy, "that' it was abpot'. timeVye -were payiu' ni'e that penny .'for my. .'..thochts," .% >; - '-■"■"•■' WHY- THEy;.;RUN;: ', ' '■' Jlrs. Gibbovis::was lanjcnting the excessive cost of light in; their.' little bungalow. "My. goodness!" she exclaimed, "I don't know anything/ hibre .'surprising, than the way our gas. bills r.iin up." '■ "Oh,, that's-n'ofc'1 surprising;" commelitod JT.r. Gibboiisi ■ "*he*i yoii -'cpfisidcr how many thousand 'feet-th'cyihave!"" ■

EXCUSED., ; ; ■ - Willie was playing,in the'lane. .-. "Willie!" ' ... . ■„, ~, It wiis-'his mother's voice, but he was sheltered fro ■'the house. by trees, . : and she could not possibly'see him.- j So he stayed where he was. ..',.. ... "Don't you hear "your mother calling you?" said his friend, Tom. "Aren't you going in?" • . , . ,' , "No," responded .Willie. .-'■■■ "Won't she whip you?" asked his.friend. "No," repeated Willie Disdainfully. "She won't. She's got crtnipany; so when I go in she'll just say: 'The poor little fellow's been so'deaf since-he was ill." '■■'. OLD- TlMES.'',.;■••■ ,', ; The two students met du'ring;the morning break.- '•' '• :■/ '.■'. ' ■'■ '■.' ' "How do you get-on with old Professor Brown?" asked one. "Great," replied the other. "We do nothing but talk about old. times." The first.. looked, rather; hard '~ at ■, his friend... ~ . """■'■■. ; '•■.' "That's curious," he're'in'arked. -.."What subject-has he. got you for?" "Ilonian historj'/-' was the reply. , ■ A GOOD COUNT. ' On the outback station the muster was proceeding slowly, but .surely. As the dust cloud in the distance showed the approach of the large flock the men.were placed so that the sheep .could be filed slowly past, and the count'taken. Then

the Boss turned to Jackoj. one.of the. aboriginal statioii -haudß, and gave him a piece of stick. '"Jncko," he said, "you out notch in stick every time -I shout Jiurjdred." The last sheep had' passed, and_:. they had spread miles over the country."■■"Where's the marks, Jacko,'' the Boss, asked,. dis- . mayed, as he took the stick. Tre.darkie looked at ihim solemnly for a moment^ "You never given knife, Boss." GOOD ADVICE;. ; . Jlike was going ..to London for the, first time in his life., .and-his - (friend Pat was giving him a fe^y,hints,on,wha,t to do and where to; go in the great" city,, .. . . "What do Ido when I.go to the Zoo?" asked Mike. .. ■ V '* •■ ■ • '. "You be careful about the Zoo," advised, Pat. '"You'll see some foirie animals if you follow the words.'to-the lions': or.to the' elephants,' but take u'O notice'of the one 'to*the\exit,' for-begorra, Mike, it's a fraud, and its outside'l found myself when L went to look at it." ,-. ■\ ■- ' | ; . - GOOD .EVIDENCE. ;> : . ■ The minister had dropped in '■ at Airs. Jones's for a morning call,' and; seeing her 'young son '■ playing -in-,the. yardj asked,"Why isn't your little boy in. school?" ."Oh,",said.'.-his■'mother,: "Freddy- learns so fast that, he . doesn't need., to go :to school. .He is the'teighest. one. in. the closs." ■' .-.,', . .-'■ .;. ■ ■ ::i-; •■ . , ',-.'■ '■•Iji ileed? Does his' teacher ; saysq? .:■ "Why, yes," beamed Sirs'.. Jones.proudly. "Just the other ,'day she. sent', me ' word that if all her pupils were like Freddy she would close her' school: at once." ; ",: •■' :. ' " CO-QEERATKttI. ■■■ ._'. A Manchester busineiiß man paid a Visit to a planter friend in Uganda, who was a keen sportsman. : Not] without considerable misgiving, the visitor allowed himself to bo prevailed upon togo liori-hunting. His tiist night in the jungle was a .sleep'xi^s one. Xext momiutr the two tneuds 1 btai ted out early, and had gone but n short distance when they came upon fresh tracks which the enthusiastic sportsman identified as-being those of a fullgrown lion. '"Tell you what we had better do, said the Manchester man brightly. "You go ahead and see where he went,- and^ I'll go back and see where he,came from!" - CHILD LOGIC. Daddy was in,' bed with influenza, and uiummy was busy sterilising the dishes which came from the sick room, ''Why do you do that?" asked little four-year-old Tommy. "Because," said mummy, "poor dad<3y has germs, >nd the germs get on the dishes, and I boil the dishes to kill the germs." Tommy turned this over in his mind'for a time, and'then asked: "Mummy,* why don't you boil daddy?"' 'NOTHING FINER. The hard-ease cadet'had been bullied by the sergeant for hours. His chance came while he was bungling through musketry dull. "It's about time you kuew what a fine sight was," roared the sergeant. "Come now. what is a fine sight?" "A large boat," answered the cadet, "crammed full of sergeants—on fire 400 miles from land, and days beyond the reach of rescue." THE WIDOW'S WAY. Mr. Brown, who was a widower.with one daughter, had married Mrs. Jones, a widow who also had 'one daughter. The minister was visiting the newlymarried couple, and the second* Mrs. Brown was trying to make a good impression upon him. "Yes,1"' she -was saying, "my stepdaughter is as dear to me as my own daughter. I show no preference, and love them equally." There was a step outside the door then a tap. The former Mrs. Jones put on her kindest smile. "Is that you, darling?" sho asked. "No, ma," came the weary voice of her stepdaughter; "it's me."' FALSE TESTIMONY. "Do jou believe in love at inst sightV "No, I don't. The first time I met Harry he was iv a Kolls-Royce, and after up became engaged I discovered he'd only hired it." A BIG DIFFERENCE. Ona very hot day a nian addressed a largci audience as follows:-^-"Iu seventy million years tho Bun wil!:toueh the earth." "What!" cried a man springing from his chair in alarm. "What did you say?" The man said, "In seventy million years." "Ah," cried the other in relief^ "1 thought you said seven million years." "A SCOTSMAN'S,TOUR." A Scotsman had been ' saving up for some time to get sufficient money to go for a tour of the Continent. When he .thought he had sufficient he drew it ,from his bank, put it on the table before him and thoroughly inspected it. Deciding he had saved too much money to waste in glohetrotting, he returned it to the bank—and let his-mind-.wander. UNFORTUNATE. Two sisters looked very much alike. One Mas a widow, and the other's husband had

gone back to the city, where .a terrific hot wave ■was then ia full blabt. A young nirm was deputed to take one of the sistcis out to dinner, and he drew the w idou', thinking he was escorting theI oilier, "Isn't it hot here:" asked the widow, j '"Yes/ ansueicd the young man, -wishi ing to be consoling, "but I fancy this is nothing to the heart where your husband has gone." A USEFUL PRESENT. ''What's the price of-that book in Ihe window called 'Jlow to Captivate Men'?" asked the little girl, of the bookshop assistant. The man looked very dubiously at the little girl. '"That's not the sort of book' for you," he said.. "What do you want it for?" "Well, I want to give it to my father," replied the girl. "It's his birthday tomorrow." "But surely there are hundreds of other books that he would like," advised the assistant. "Perhaps so," went on the little girl; "but [ thought that book would be the most useful; you sec, he's a policeman." MEMORY. A rather elderly looking patient was shown. into the doctor's surgery. ''So you have severe headaches, pains in the back, and bilious :attacksj" said the doctor. "If'm! "What is your age, madam ?" The patient had a ready answer. "Twenty-five," she coyly replied. The doctor continued,to write. "Yes —and loss of memory too," he murmured. , SETTLED LONG AGO. Young man (to his sweetheart's little brother): "Congratulate me. Tommy. Your sister has just said she will marry me." Brother: '"Have you only just heard about it? She promised mother'a long | tune ago." ! THE VERDICT. One o£ the theatres advertised i'or new songs, and invited applicants to present their works and eing them over in the presence of the manager and musical tor.Mr. Bibbs, who fancied ' himself as a genius, composed a 'ditty and presented himself at the theatre. ■ The song was commonplace, without rhythm or tunefulness, and the musical diicctor put his hands to his ears as the songster shrieked it. ' I '"What do I get for that?" said the min- ' strel, with an ingratiating smile, as he finished. ' '•I'm a musical director—not a Magistrate," was the reply. THE YOUNG MAN.'S FANCY. A party of barn-storming nctois put up for the night in a primitive village. Next day one of them observed wearily to a colleague, as he rose about noontide, "Where does one wash ?" "In the spring," replied the other. "Laddie," said the first, "I said 'where/ not1 'when/ " CANNOT ENTER NOW. Mrs. 15: (with theatrical ambition): ''I hear you want j. leading lady." Theatrical Manager: "You have' come too late." "Too late?'', ' ' ■ "Yes, 15 years too-late!" THE COST OF RICHES. "Why don't yon' think you- would like to bei rich?" asked the wealthy aunt of little Patricia. "Well," said the tiny visitor as she gazed around in awe at the pretentious furnishings of her aunt's mansion, " "Cause I think it's too expensive." A NARROW ESCAPE. Bill and Bob' wore engaged- upon a little burgling job. Bill was keeping watch at the street corner, whilst' Bob operated inside the large ( house. ■ After being inside lor only a few minutes, howcycr, Bob rejoined his -p.il at' the corner. 'Oecn quick, ain't yer?" the watcher asked. "Did yer git anylink?" '"No." Bob panted.'in reply, "that there 'ouse belongs to Snatchem—the big lawyer bloke, yer know?" "Old Snatchem'e 'ouse?" Bill, exclaimed. "Strowth—did yer lose anyfink?"